Young Man's Heart
by Neko-jin Rogue
Summary: Gohan's life is a sham. Life in general is a wasteful lie. It's time for a change. Can he cope with that change? Overall warnings: Dark, drug abuse, angst, yaoi. See chapter warnings.
1. Staring Down The Barrel

**Word From The Mistress  
**Hello all! I know I've been away for a while. I've been busy trying to get my life under control and underway. But no one cares about that. It's the writing that's important, right? Good! I was feeling kinda down today and decided to write this…and then it just sort of took over. My inspiration was the song "45" by Shinedown. Feel free to listen in while you read.  
**And Now On With It**

**Shinedown  
"45"**  
  
Send away for a priceless gift  
One not subtle, one not on the list  
Send away for a perfect world  
One not simply, so absurd  
In these times of doing what you're told  
You keep these feelings, no one knows  
What ever happened to the young man's heart  
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart  
  
And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,  
Swimming through the ashes of another life  
No real reason to accept the way things have changed  
Staring down the barrel of a 45  
  
Send a message to the unborn child  
Keep your eyes open for a while  
In a box high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else   
There's a piece of a puzzle known as life  
Wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight  
  
What ever happened to the young man's heart  
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart  
  
And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,  
Swimming through the ashes of another life  
No real reason to accept the way things have changed  
Staring down the barrel of a 45  
  
Everyone's pointing their fingers  
Always condemning me  
And nobody knows what I believe  
I believe 

And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,  
Swimming through the ashes of another life  
No real reason to accept the way things have changed  
Staring down the barrel of a 45

**Warnings** – Angst and darkfic. Coming chapters will contain references to drug abuse and depression. Rated for language and adult situations and content.

**Characters** – This story concentrates on Gohan and his mental stability. Anyone else is just to further the plot.

**Disclaimer** – There are so many of these around that they really don't serve any purpose anymore. We all know who owns what and who stole what, so just read my fiction and enjoy it and get on with your lives so you can read someone else's.

**  
  
Staring Down The Barrel**

Saiyaman! Protector and hero of Satan City.

Beloved of little children.  
Held in reverence by elderly and infirm who tell of his brave deeds to those little children.   
Hated by criminals, miscreants, and doers of injustice.   
Mistrusted and envied by strong men and lusted after by women.   
Supported and encouraged and discounted by his loved ones. 

Gohan lived the life of a superhero, glorious and fateful as any truly worthy life could be.

And just as lonely.

It was everything he ever wanted. Everything his father always avoided at all costs. To be recognized and accepted and praised for doing a good job, for protecting others, for upholding everything that he had ever been taught about righteousness and honor…and he could also live up to his mother's greatest wishes at the same time because it left his pseudo life open for her dreams of his success. This way, he could please everyone.

He had the love of a good woman. Videl was always there for him…when it involved fighting and excitement and the evening news. She always professed to hate her father's bigoted and famous lifestyle, but she was never shy when it came to dealing in such things herself.

She tried so hard to bring herself into his lifestyle, but she threw off the balance even though he did enjoy her company at times. She wanted the superhero life…and nothing else. He had to have both. Had to! It wouldn't work otherwise!

But it was so hard sometimes. It took so much out of him. Trying to be everything…but not too much of any of it.

To keep balance.

His friends and family thought Saiyaman was a joke. Most of them made no secret of it and, even though he was admittedly pretty dense at times, he got the gist after a while. They couldn't understand why he did it. Were his actions so futile, so worthless, that they couldn't see that he did it all for them? That everything he ever did was to make them all happy? To make them proud?

And to survive through it at the same time.

They all wanted so much from him. His mother. His father. Piccolo. Videl. Vegeta and the younger demis. All his friends.

No matter what, he never seemed to be able to live up to any of their expectations. Sure he had their acceptance…but…he could still feel their disappointment and that was the worst thing of all.

He had all this power. They couldn't understand why he didn't use it. Why he wouldn't spar. Why he wouldn't give his all when they pushed him to it. None of them could fathom it. None of them understood that he just…couldn't.

He couldn't.

…let go.

He couldn't access so much power. He didn't want it, never wanted it, and he couldn't handle it when he tried to use it. He didn't have the warrior spirit that the rest had. All of them. He wasn't like them and they didn't seem to _want_ to understand that. He was the only one who was…different. He didn't have the will necessary to control so much strength and power and responsibility. He didn't want it. He was afraid of it.

They were all disappointed in him. They always had been. And it had always torn him inside because he just _couldn't_ be what they all wanted.

But here he was.

The strongest being in the universe. And so useless. So worthless. Such a disappointment.

And so lonely.

Was life supposed to be this way? Was it this way to everyone on this earth? Were they all just as lonely as him? That was a depressing thought. 'This is what life is meant to be.'

He looked down from the high tower he stood upon. Just looked down at the sprawling city from his solitary perch. He had escaped Videl this evening. Not that he didn't want to be with her, but… He just felt the need to be alone, be alone with his thoughts…just alone. He was so alone inside, he might as well indulge in it outside as well.

His thoughts took a darker turn to match the oncoming night. He could never truly be _with_ Videl anyway. Not like she wanted. As much as he tried to deny it, as much as he fought against it, he wasn't quite human. He still had these…conflicts within himself no matter how he repressed them. No matter how much he deluded himself. He was neither Saiyan nor Human. He was something else. Not enough of either to ever be happy in this world.

And no one else seemed to have inherited this problem. That in itself helped to darken his purgatory as well. All the others were more Saiyan than him, they all were happy. He was the only oddball. 'What is so wrong with me??!'

It had been 26 long years of struggle for him. He was tired of it, but there did not seem to be any end in sight. It would just continue as it always had. 'This is just the way things are.' He thought, closing his eyes with a sigh.

Sound pricked his ears from his high rise citadel. The sound of pain and anger and fear. He didn't even try to push aside his sad thoughts. He merely turned in the direction that Saiyaman was needed and tilted off the edge of the tower, his eyes still closed. He allowed himself to fall freely before finally gathering his energy and opening his eyes to the ever encroaching ground.

With the barest manipulation, his ki surrounded him and spurred him out of freefall and off over the city toward the sound that had already attracted the Satan City police with their sirens blaring.

The scene looked to be a pharmaceutical company and there were enough cops around the premises for Gohan to assume that the situation was pretty serious. He alighted on a neighboring building, almost forgetting in his still encompassing gloom to strike a pose, but that wouldn't be very Saiyaman-like, would it? Had to keep the balance.

Oh look! Saiyaman is here to save the day! Yaay! Or in some cases, Boo! Once again, Gohan was reminded of the fact that no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't please everyone. Was there any point? Of course there was. He just…couldn't see it at the moment. He hadn't seen it for a long time.

The mighty Saiyaman set to vanquishing evil and righting wrongs! Gohan flew to the large laboratory and opened an upper story window with Saiyajin strength and a tiny sting of guilt for the damage. Slipping inside, he made is way along using his extra sensitive hearing to find the way downstairs to where the villains were holding shop with what sounded like a lot of hostages. He found them only minutes later and crouched in a deserted doorway to scope the situation. There were over twenty lab workers all on the ground and the thugs were harassing two who were obviously higher employees.

Did he call these robbers thugs? That certainly didn't describe them. No, they were young, some of them weak and pubescent. None of them were older than your average college student. But they each had an animal gleam in their eyes, the glaze of desperation and need. These were…junkies. Nothing more than that. Junkies off the street with a mad desire for a fix…and guns in their hands. Gohan closed his eyes, discouraged and disgusted that life had driven these young boys to so such ends. What was this life when it bore such terrible things? Why live if this was all that there was to look forward to? He hated it. Hated all of it. But it was time for Saiyaman to shine.

He stepped into the room, truly forgetting his stupid pose this time. He was too preoccupied to force forth such nonsense. The boys…no!...robbers! They were robbers, thieves, it was that simple. The robbers turned to face him immediately, shouting among themselves, panicking, screaming about how this was "supposed to be simple, man!!" and "what the fuck is _he_ doing here?!". The situation exploded as did the firearms in their hands as the boys desperately tried to save themselves from a fate infinitely less horrible than their young and drug-addled brains concocted.

"Get down!!" Gohan shouted, calling up his ki and reaching out to stop the bullets that hissed in his direction. Guns were nothing. He could deal with guns just fine so long as he kept a slight distance. It was the human hostages that he was worried about. He could only stop the bullets within reach and the room was now a random spray of lead with chaos spreading like a fire. He had to stop every one of these boys before any part of this situation could be salvaged. Faster than thought, he plunged into the room, flying over the squirming, writhing, frightened bodies that littered the floor to catch a gun arcing in his direction. He crushed it in his fist and tore it from the boy's hand, delivering a sharp blow designed to stop, not harm. The boy went down and Gohan turned to search out a second…a third…a fourth… It was swift work and only took moments before nearly all the young criminals were incapacitated. There was one left and Gohan was there in an instant as the boy tried to hide behind a hostage. Quicker than anyone could follow, he removed the woman and the weapon from the boy's grasp. That was just too far for the righteous Gohan to handle, trying to use a helpless innocent as a shield. He lost just an instant of good humor and slammed the teen against the wall, perhaps a bit too hard. He immediately regretted it and was about to check and see if the boy was alright when there was a metallic !thunk! against the back of his helmet. Gohan stiffened and tensed. There had been another junkie, hidden among the hostages, waiting until his back had turned.

"Dodge this, asshole!"

Gohan turned just soon enough to see straight down the barrel of the handgun aimed at his skull. He could see the blunt bullet at the end of the chamber and hear the bang as the trigger pulled. He had dropped his guard when concern for that last robber had distracted him. He had given up the battle before it was over just as he had done so many times in the past and disappointed so many people, let them die. He looked down that barrel and thought 'this is what life is' and that 'this is how it is meant to be' and if that were true, then why should he fight against it? How could he fight against the way it was meant to be? What right did he have to try and change what was and would always be? What good did it do to preserve something if this was all there was to look to in the end?

But he tried to dodge.  
Because it was what was expected.  
Because he was the superhero. 


	2. Welcome To Nowhere

**Mistress' Words  
**Woohooo!! Chapter two! I put this out pretty fast. Really got into it. So…here continues the story. I put much more detail in than I thought I would. But I enjoyed it and that's all that matters. This chapter turned out pretty long. A new song for a new chapter.  
**Go and Read, My Children**

**-**

****

**Shinedown  
****"In Memory"**  
  
Some of the ugliest things took the longest time to make  
And some of the easiest habits are the hardest one's to break  
And I'm not asking for value nor the pain but I am asking  
For a way out of this lie  
  
Because I can't wait for you to catch up with me  
And I can't live in the past and drown myself in memories  
  
Welcome to nowhere and finding out where it is  
And fixing your problems and starting over again  
You're feeding your ego with what you can see outside  
And your killing yourself for not speaking your mind  
  
Because I can't wait for you to catch up with me  
And I can't live in the past and drown myself in memories  
  
In memory  
  
I wonder why you make believe you live your life straight through me  
I cannot understand why you question me and then you lie  
I will not justify your way's I cannot show you an escape   
I do not know you any more, I never new you anyway  
  
Because I can't wait for you to catch up with me  
And I can't live in the past and drown myself in memories  
  
In memory

-

**Warnings** – Blood and gore, psychological angst, death and guilt, drug induced delirium and fucked up thoughts.

**Characters** – Still mainly Gohan, though I'm starting to see options for other characters too. We shall see where it goes.

-

**Welcome To Nowhere**

'This is what life is.'

Those meaningless words carried all the despair and discouragement and pain that we all hide from as we walk the path of time. But we still have to walk that path, even if it does not lead us anywhere.

He tried to dodge. Because it was what he was taught. Because it was what was expected. Because it was what was drilled into him as the right thing to do. Just because.

But even the great Saiyaman, with his guard dropped, with a 45 caliber revolver only an inch from his face, with so much doubt and hesitation and guilt clouding his mind, would have trouble dodging this bullet.

But he dodged.

His hand flashed past the gun to clutch the throat of the teen who stared at him with blind hatred in his glazed, bloodshot eyes. And when the pain tore through him behind the path of the spreading hollow point, Gohan's entire body seized in agony. Both Saiyaman and delinquent fell to the ground, Gohan screaming in pain while the boy gave a last rasping gurgle.

When Gohan opened his eyes he could only see in shades of black and blinding white, but when he looked down at the weight in his hand, the scarlet red stood out an almost blazing neon against his white glove. His fingers were still buried in the boy's throat, having pierced his skin just like the weapons they were trained to be.

All around there was screaming and pandemonium, innocents panicked and trying to flee or laying on the ground and moaning in pain from bullet wounds or merely from being trampled. Screaming, screaming all around, screaming everywhere, screaming…his body was screaming…he was screaming too.

He pulled his gloved hand from the boy's neck, sickened by the squelching, wet noise that followed. And he ran. He couldn't breathe. Couldn't breathe! His bloody hand came up, fumbling with his helmet strap, for some reason he couldn't control his left hand. He couldn't breathe, it didn't matter that his helmet didn't cover his mouth, he had to get it off, had to lose the constraints, then he would breathe again. He didn't bother to fly, he just ran, leaping over bodies, stepping on them when there was no other choice, he didn't care. He just had to get away. He finally saw a doorway and fled toward it, tripped over some poor soul, still warm but unmoving, and fell over the threshold. There was another doorway and he slithered through it, pulling himself with his right arm when his knees couldn't find enough purchase.

The helmet came off, clattering across the ground as he slammed back against a set of metal shelves and was showered with hundreds of bottles, the pills inside rattling loudly. Gohan sat there against the shelves, his harsh breathing sounding so loud in his ears. Minutes went by and he began to calm somewhat but he could not get the image out of his head of the boy, neck broken and crushed, one eye filled with blood because of the pressure Gohan's hand had inflicted before killing the teen. A sob burst from the demi-saiyan's own unblemished throat, tears threatening to overflow. In the other room, the strong, controlled shouts of the police were reverberating, creating calm and structure in the violent chaos. Gohan knew he had to get out of there. He couldn't be found like this. He couldn't… Saiyaman had killed. _He_ had killed. Not some evil villain bent on destroying the world, but some stupid kid who was being controlled by the drugs, someone's child who couldn't control his actions. He'd killed a desperate child who only wanted a salve for his pain.

Torn inside on a whole new level, Gohan tried to blink back the tears and reach for his helmet but the motion sent a surge of blinding pain through him and the tears managed to break free. He gasped, drawing in enough breath so that his lungs could force out yet another cry. That was when he noticed the blood slowly pooling around him, overtaking the strewn bottles as if it might suck them down into the glistening ruby depths. He looked at his left shoulder and…Kami!...his arm was gone! He screamed again because now that he saw it, he could feel it and the pain was maddening and paralyzing. He forced his eyes open again and they were drawn back to the ruin of his body, after an instant of disbelief, he realized that his arm was still there. His hand was laying limp on the cold tile…no…he felt the tile with his other hand that was supporting him. The tile wasn't cold, possibly room temperature, but not cold.

Another sob broke from him as the beginnings of panic started to grow into something much more akin to a breakdown. He struggled, turning himself so that his right arm could grasp his helmet and drag it back. He could hear footsteps coming toward his hiding spot. Pulling the helmet into his lap, he then reached down, grasping his left hand. It _was_ cold but the pain that lanced through him showed him that the limb was still very much alive. Whimpering, he fiddled with the "watch" that adorned that wrist, trying to find the trigger under all that blood. Finally, he found it and felt the tingle as his uniform transformed back to his normal clothing and his helmet disappeared. Blood immediately soaked through the pristine cloth and the sudden pressure on his ruined shoulder was immense. He reached up, catching the shoulder of his shirt and tearing it, trying to ease the pain but the action merely made it stronger. His bloody right hand fell to the ground, trying to catch himself from the fall as the pain made him light headed, but failed. He slid to the ground and half screamed through clenched teeth upon impact with his wounded shoulder.

It felt like forever as the police passed him by, checking to see if he was alive and then moving on to secure the complex, and then hands were grasping at him, gentle but firm. Voices passed over him, quick and terse, and he felt himself being moved. He jolted back to consciousness with a wash of pain and cried out. Instantly a voice was there, reassuring and consoling, explaining his injury and how the voice was going to help him. It was a soothing thing, to have someone else take responsibility. He gave way to it instantly, another voice wavered forth. It took him a moment to recognize it as his own. "Just make it go away…please…"

The rest felt like a dream. At first there was so much pain, but that began to fade and Gohan was left in a state of distant delirium, listening to all the traffic around him, at times watching it when he could keep his eyes open. No…that's not right…his eyes never closed…did they? He just…didn't remember looking at anything. But sometimes he did look…and that was when he thought…and the thoughts were so strange and clear but disconnected at the same time. It was…nice. He found himself smiling up at the paramedics as they came to check on him from time to time. He understood they were busy, there were lots of other wounded people. He was completely content to just lay here on this splint and…enjoy how relaxed he felt and how far away everything else was. He wished it would stay this way forever. A sad thought crossed his mind and it took away his smile. It wouldn't last forever. This would end and everything would be back the way it was before. But…even knowing that couldn't truly make him sad. It was just a thought that slid over his consciousness and fell away like a raindrop on an umbrella. He was holding an umbrella and none of the nasty things could get through it to him. His umbrella was his best friend. He loved his umbrella. It was blue and silver with a shiny silver handle and it kept him dry from all those unpleasant things.

Gohan started to laugh because that image was so stupid…but it was so real and it made him happy. He knew it wasn't real but it made him happy and he forgot all about the pharmacy and his shoulder and his family and his life. Uh oh. There they were again. In Gohan's mind he turned his umbrella and all those unpleasant feelings bounced off. He smiled and laughed again and decided that even if it was stupid and make believe…he liked it and was gonna keep his umbrella.

He must have fallen asleep because the next time he focused his eyes, he was in the ambulance with those paramedics. One of them was the pretty girl who had reassured him in that awful tile room in the pharmacy. He watched her take a syringe and inject something into his arm and suddenly thought of his father and imagined how Goku would have gone wild, tearing the place apart just to avoid a tiny little pinprick. 'Dad is such a pussy.' He thought with dry mirth because his father was so big and strong and could handle _anything_, absolutely _anything_ but he turned into a pussy for something so simple. Ah, but he loved his dad so that didn't really matter. Gohan didn't have that problem. 'I might not be able to save the world…but I can take a needle.' He laughed again and the pretty paramedic looked at him, smiling brightly.

"Hi, there. You're going to be just fine. We're almost to the hospital. Won't be long now." She said positively.

Gohan smiled up at her. 'She does her job well. Too bad it's just her job.' He knew that his wound was serious because he could see the blood pack that was linked to his other arm and because he had overheard so many conversations while laying on his splint. That's why she just injected him with more drugs, because she didn't want him to start screaming again. But he had no intention of screaming. He was just going to lay here comfortably and forget all of it and enjoy himself.

"You're so pretty. I'll have to hurt myself again so I can get your number." He half joked, casting her a charming half grin and winking. Then he marveled at how in the world he'd managed to do something so…smooth. He knew he was an absolute moron with girls. But she grinned back and smiled that beautiful smile and it actually reached her eyes.

"Oh…I don't know if you'd have to go that far." She teased. "I bet a handsome guy like you has the ladies lined up."

Gohan chuckled with good humor as he was shot down. 'She's probably hit on by every drugged up invalid she deals with.' Then the ambulance came to a stop and he was unloaded into the hospital. The ceiling flashed by…and by…and by…and by…and it seemed to become an incessant loop that he was stuck in, never going anywhere but never stopping. 'Just like my life.' He thought, staring up unblinking at the white ceiling. 'My life has become reality. I'm going to be stuck here forever in this dreary loop. …it's gonna get so boring…'

And then the loop was over. He came to a stop and was hefted onto a gurney in a large open room. All around him he could hear people rushing back and forth, speaking in hospital code and gibberish. He did recognize a few words, though. "Surgery" and "immediate" and "STAT" and stuff from tv. 'Ah…I knew it. I'm bad…probably gonna die. I did lose a lot of blood. That's why they've got me hooked to the blood pack. I wonder how fast I'm losing it…'cause that blood pack sure looks full and if I'm losing faster than getting then the whole point is moot and I might as well just die right now instead of wasting everyone's time.' He reached out his good arm and caught a white coat as it zipped by and it very nearly tore his arm off. It wrenched him enough that fresh pain blazed through him before turning to an aching throb, but it got the doctor's attention.

He came back, his beside manner existentially less friendly than the pretty paramedic's. "Hey…" Gohan was slightly irritated at the slur in his voice. "I don want to be trouble. If you can help somebody else instead of worrying about me, then feel free. I don't want to waste anyone's time."

The doctor was terse and short tempered, making Gohan blink. That's not how they were supposed to be. They were supposed to be friendly and caring and nice…like that paramedic. "You'll be taken care of soon. You're aren't wasting anyone's time. Your doctor will be along in a minute." He snapped and then pulled from Gohan's limp grasp and disappeared.

The demi lay there, staring off in the direction that he was now turned, his arm hanging off the gurney. The doctor hadn't listened to him. He was too busy. He hadn't taken Gohan seriously. No one took him seriously. They all just went on about their lives around him without ever listening to him or taking him seriously or anything like that. No one cared what he thought, they all just assumed that he would go along or do what was right or listen to them. Gohan this, Gohan that, Gohan why? Gohan what? It was all so infuriating. But infuriating as the thoughts were, he still had his blue and silver umbrella and it all still felt so far away. He wasn't immersed in the depression like he normally would be. He was able to think rationally about it all without the influence of unmanageable emotions. So, emotionlessly, he considered it all and he came to a decision. He wasn't going to deal with it anymore. If he was just going to be ignored and discounted then he might as well not be here.

It was a challenge to get upright and once he was there, it was even harder to keep from falling off the gurney because of how lightheaded he was. The pain was harsh and sharp at first but then it dulled to a thrumming throb and he gathered his left arm up so that it wouldn't be in the way. Looking down at himself, he found he was a maze of wires and tubes and tags and was daunted from figuring out how to move. He felt like someone's marionette, like there was someone just waiting to grab his strings and make him dance. He looked up at the ceiling just in case. Nope. No one there. Good.

Carefully, he adjusted his "strings" so that he could move off the gurney without breaking anything and…and…eeeeased off the bed. His feet didn't want to hold him at first, but he got them under control and stood up, balancing precariously, his left arm dangling painfully and limply. Ok. So far so good. Now…he just had to find his way out.

"What are you doing??!"

He tried to turn toward the voice, but the person reached him too quickly…or maybe he was just moving veeeeery sloooowly. He felt strong hands grip his waist and it helped to steady him. Still looking down at the bloody sheets of the bed, Gohan slurred out his reply. "I'm not going to waste anyone's time. I'll just…go die somewhere quiet. Quiet would be nice."

The voice connected to the hands was shocked. "No, no, no, no, no. Come on now, let's get you back on here. That's it. I'm here for you. I wouldn't be around if you didn't need me, none of us would. You aren't going to die. Certainly not if you can manage to get on your feet and decide to walk out of here. I wouldn't let you die even if there were a chance."

Gohan felt himself being lifted and the soft padding of the mattress appeared under him. He sat there, now turned to face his helper. It was a man in white and green and only a few years older than Gohan himself. Distractedly, Gohan thought that he must have really slacked off on the training to be light enough for this guy to be able to lift him so easily…or he really did lose a lot of blood. But then again, this guy looked like he could be muscular under that loose lab coat. He did have broad shoulders. 'Huh…a doctor with broad shoulders…will wonders never cease?' But that's not what made it out of his mouth.

"You wouldn't?" Gohan blinked, almost surprised by the sentiment. "I mean…I'm not?" He gave in, completely forgetting about leaving now that this man had stopped him and was talking so softly and honestly with him.

The man smiled and Gohan was reassured that not only paramedics had good bedside manners. "No, you're going to be just fine. I promise. In fact, if you want some quiet, I can help you with that, ok? Just lie back for me, ok…what's your name?"

The demi let the man put his legs up on the bed and settled back a little harder than he'd planned, making his shoulder flare in pain again. Gasping, he took his time before answering. "I'm…Gohan."

The man smiled down at him. "Well, Gohan. I'll move you someplace quiet and before you know it, you'll be on your way to recovery. I heard that you've been through a wild night. I don't envy you. But that's all over now and it's gonna be a brand new day. And new days always bring sunshine. Right Gohan?"

Gohan felt lightheaded again now that he was laying down and his vision had begun to swim. He closed his eyes, his tongue seeming to move even slower. "That's not true…what if it's raining?"

The voice lilted with laughter but answered just as smoothly as before. "The sun is always there even if you can't see it and it always comes through in the end."

Gohan sighed as he felt himself being moved. "But it's been raining for so long now…" He whispered sadly.

The next time he opened his eyes, there was a bright light shining in them. 'Ha! I did die!' He thought smugly, but the thought was followed by a more melancholy one. 'He lied to me.' But then he noticed movement around him…and something over his nose and mouth. He couldn't feel his body. He blinked a few times and then saw someone standing to his right. His eyes shifted ever so slowly that way and he saw a doctor standing there, gloves and mask and hairnet and all. The doctor was looking past him at something else, so Gohan's lazy eyes trailed back to the left to try and see what was so interesting. There…'whoa…I'm surrounded'…was another doctor. This one was looking straight down and Gohan's eyes drifted downwards as well, following the path of the green scrubs until the green color that took up all of his sight began to mar with little splatters of black. This made Gohan frown. This doctor was pretty dirty, you'd think they'd make them wash their scrubs before coming to work. It was unseemly.

Gohan blinked as another thought crossed his mind. No…it wasn't black, it was red. 'Oh! Blood! That's what that is. Makes much more sense now. That's ok.' And that was followed by another realization. 'That's _my_ blood.' He snorted internally at the brilliance of his deductive abilities. 'Duh! Who else's blood would it be? I'm the one he's working on.' His eyes continued down until they could go no farther but he still couldn't see what was going on or what the doctor was doing. And he couldn't feel his body so that made things more difficult. With an effort, he tried to clench the fingers of his right hand. 'Better leave the left hand alone, don't want to disturb the doc.' But he couldn't feel anything.

So instead, he wiggled his toes. Those he could feel. Heh, they tingled. So he wiggled his feet. That worked. They felt weird. He kept wiggling them, concentrating on the strangeness…and suddenly it was as if a surge of warmth washed over him from his toes all the way up his body and he could feel again. The distant floating feeling suddenly evaporated and he was grounded in the here and now which wasn't as pleasant, but it was much more…normal. He knew normality. It wasn't so bad. Now he was pretty sure he could turn his head and look…and that's what he did. He must have scared the doctor because the man froze, looking down at him looking at his shoulder. Gohan wasn't sure what to think or feel. He looked on his shoulder with a clinical detachment just like a doctor. 'That's a lot of damage.' He thought to himself blandly. 'Is that bone?' He knew that he wasn't a doctor, but he was pretty sure that there was supposed to be more bone in one's shoulder than that and all that meat…he could see the coarseness of his muscles and the texture of white tendons. It was fascinating. Maybe he should have taken his mother's advice and become a doctor. Maybe he could have worked with that man from earlier. The people around him were talking but he couldn't make out the words, they just seemed to repeat over and over again with an awkward echo. Then there was pressure on his good arm and he was fading again.

Fog covered everything, but it couldn't keep out the voices. Voices, voices, voices. They just wouldn't shut up, but it was only a minor irritation.

"My poor poor baby."

'Oh no,' Gohan asserted, 'I don't want to go through that again, I'm definitely not a baby. Nope, nope, nope.' He didn't enjoy thinking about things like that. They brought back giant tigers and dinosaurs and evil guys trying to hurt…his tail. They hurt his tail so much. Always fingers grabbing at his tail. It was _his_ tail! They had no right to put their skeletal and gnarled fingers on it! His tail…it hurt…hurt so much…and he couldn't move…couldn't stop it…couldn't make them stop…wasn't strong enough… 'Oh, Kami! It hurts so much!' But all he could do was whimper and the voices rose to a crescendo and he tried to get away from them but they just surrounded him, echoing and blasting him and making him shake and shiver because it hurt so much!

"What is it?!! What's happening to him?! My Baby! What's wrong with my baby?! DO SOMETHING!!!"

"Gohan? Gohan, sweaty! Please, Gohan, it's alright! SOMEONE DO SOMETHING!"

"What is wrong with the brat? He acts as if he's afraid."

"What's that? Is that what I think it is? Oh, Gohan…your tail…"

Fingers…fingers probing, grasping, tugging, squeezing, tearing, crushing… He cried out, yelling, screaming, shrinking away from those hands that would only bring torrents of crushing pain. "NO!" The voice of a child echoed his. "No, no, no, no, nooooooo!"

As he struggled to get away from the grasping hands, the pinning hold, the multitude of vicious fingers keeping him from getting away, more voices came. They were urgent and angry and argumentative, yelling and cutting. They reminded him of the police as they cleared the building, passing him by, not harming him, not even looking at him, ignoring him. Firm and commanding and in control. He felt a new grip and the overpoweringly strong hands let go immediately, gone with a cry that sounded suspiciously like fear. And those softer, firm hands smoothed soothingly over him and the voice connected to them…spoke of sunshine and goodness and care. The haze lifted and Gohan saw the kind face of the man from urgent care and he smiled, sinking down against that solid grip. "Please…make it go away…I don't like it…make them go…away…" He hardly felt the pinprick in his arm and, as the haze grew thicker again, he could hear that kind voice, rough with disgust and anger, making them go away.

Sunlight warmed his face and he tried to turn away from the brightness. The move was slow and heavy and lagging, but he made it. He heard a gasp nearby, but ignored it. He was too tired and heavy to worry about little things like that and the bed was so comfortable and warm. He sighed and began to fall back into blessed unconsciousness, free of worry and nightmares.

"Gohan…honey? Gohan…are you awake?"

The voice was hesitant, worried. He dragged himself back to life in order to answer, intending to do the good deed of reassuring and then disappear back into his happy darkness. His eyes fluttered uncontrolled before finally finding their way open. He blinked slowly a few times as the face came into view. "Hi…mom. I'm good… I'm gonna sleep again…"

Her hand flew to his arm bringing his eyes open again. "Gohan!" Her voice started out sharp but she quickly softened it, looking irritated at the door. "Gohan…we've got senzu for you. They wouldn't let us see you before. But…Gohan, honey, you were hurt pretty bad. They…they put a metal bar in your shoulder because the bone was shattered so badly. Just take the senzu and we can all go home and leave this awful place."

Gohan blinked sleepily at his mother, taking in what she said slowly. Then he looked at his left side where bandages covered most of his chest and his arm was in a forced cast. "Metal…" He reached over to touch the bandages, but stopped. They had gone to so much trouble to get it just right on such a hard target to bandage. He shouldn't ruin it. "Huh." He said as if it was a curiously interesting thing his mother had told him. "Metal…" He smiled crookedly. "That's cool. I'm like on my way to being an android. I always wondered what 18 felt like." He said slowly, his eyes drifting shut again.

"Gohan!!" ChiChi sounded very irate.

Gohan very slowly gave her his attention again. "It's not an awful place, mom…there are some nice people here…"

"Gohan, what's wrong with you?! Stop talking nonsense and eat this senzu! I will not leave you with these people anymore! You're coming home!"

Gohan stared at the little bean that ChiChi held up and frowned, his eyes wandering as his thoughts dripped off his tongue before he even had a chance to know what they were. "No, mom. I don't want any senzu. They already fixed me. I'll be fine here. And I can't be a warrior if part of my body isn't strong enough to fight, right?" He smiled and settled back on his pillow. "I don't mind, mom. I never liked fighting anyway. This way dad won't feel so bad. I'm tired of playing superhero…I think I'm gonna…take a break…" He started to fade, his tongue growing slower with each long blink. "Besides…I don't think it would feel very good…healed with a metal bar inside me…"

"Gohan??"

"Gohan!!"

He could still hear her voice, coated with acid and disappointment and anger, but he didn't care. For once, it didn't matter that he wasn't going along. For once, he had spoken his mind and it was ok…even if he hadn't heard his mind until he'd heard his mouth. For a moment he wasn't even sure that he'd said all that, but he had. And it was ok. He ignored her, a small smile still on his face as he drifted away again into that distant void, alone but pleasantly far away from everything.

-

-


	3. Losing My Nerve

**Gather close and listen to the mistress**  
Took a little while to get this one out. Been busy lately. I was also a little stumped in places for this, but here it is. Enjoy. The story is going to begin to pick up soon and I'm still not sure just how far it shall go. smirks Pretty far, I think. Be prepared for some serious messed up stuff.  
**Now off to your nightmares, my dears**

-

**Shinedown  
****"All I Ever Wanted"**  
  
I lie here alone and wonder why  
That I come alive, just before I half to hide.  
  
Because I believe I'm losing my nerve  
But could I ever do better than this  
  
Because all I ever wanted was a place to call my home  
To shelter me when I am there and to miss me when I'm gone  
All I ever wanted was a place to call my own   
Where stars may dance and sun still shines and the storms feel free to roam  
  
I listen if only for a while   
But I can't decide if I'm aware that I'm on trial  
  
Because I believe I'm losing my nerve  
But could I ever do better than this  
  
Because all I ever wanted was a place to call my home  
To shelter me when I am there and to miss me when I'm gone  
All I ever wanted was a place to call my own   
Where stars may dance and sun still shines and the storms feel free to roam  
  
If there's a way to a remedy then lead me straight to it  
If there's a path or a door I missed , then show me now, show me this  
  
Because all I ever wanted was a place to call my home  
To shelter me when I am there and to miss me when I'm gone  
All I ever wanted was a place to call my own   
Where stars may dance and sun still shines and the storms feel free to roam  
  
feel free when I am gone 

-

**Warnings** – Some language. The juicy stuff hasn't really started yet.

-

-

**Losing My Nerve**

-

He woke to the harsh reality of life and pain. His whole body was in pain and, for the life of him, he couldn't understand why. He tried to shift, to roll and alleviate the discomfort somewhat, but when he tried to move he realized that he was unnaturally weighted down and just couldn't manage the feat. He felt so weak that even if he had the will to force himself, it would have been a struggle. So, instead, he just lay there in pain with his eyes closed, trying to will the hurt away. That certainly didn't work. The pain only worsened as time went on until he began to yearn for some outlet, something, anything that would just make it go away. And the futility he felt was so frustrating that it made him begin to lose his temper.

In short, when consciousness fully surrounded Gohan, he was one grumpy demi-saiyan on the wrong side of the bed.

It didn't help that his throat was so dry that he couldn't speak.

He opened his eyes and saw strange pink walls and a white ceiling with florescent lights running through the center. And…perfume… He wrinkled his nose at the overwhelming smell of it. 'Where the hell am I?' He turned his neck to look around the alien environment and saw flowers. Flowers everywhere. 'Ugh, no wonder.' But turning his head alerted him to a tightness as the muscles on the left side of his neck protested mightily at being used.

He tried to move his neck another way in order to loosen the knot but that only ended in a surge of pain through his left side. Turning back to his left with difficulty, he finally saw what had weighted him down so much before. His shoulder and arm was set immobile by a splint and a mass of bandages.

The past events of the catastrophe at the pharmaceutical company came back to him with blinding speed, but the image that overwhelmed all the rest was the face of the boy he had killed. Gohan's head fell back on the pillow and he closed his eyes tight, trying to dispel the horror, but that only made the picture clearer, more real, more…dead. He pried his eyes open and searched of anything else to look at in the hopes that it would drive that image away. That is when he saw that he was in restraints. His right arm was held to the metal bedrail with a soft, padded, velcro cuff. He pulled on it weakly as if to reassure himself that he wasn't seeing things. Nope. He was tied to his bed and he was too weak to do anything about it either. There were three more straps pulled over his body securing him and his legs down to the mattress. That was a little more than disconcerting as well. The beginnings of panic were starting to bloom through his still hazy mind.

Did they know? Did they…know what he did? Did they think he was dangerous and needed to be tied down like this?

He looked around the room searching for more clues. All he saw was the normal hospital "get well soon" surroundings provided by loved ones and friends whenever you got sick. Nothing hostile, nothing unwelcome, nothing suspicious… Except those legs there… Gohan tried again to stretch his neck up so that he could see whose body those legs belonged to, but he couldn't do it and the person stayed hidden behind an impressively large bouquet of flowers.

Gohan realized that his breathing was hitched and his heart thudded hard in his chest, both from exertion and from nervousness and his lack of control over the situation. Anxiety flooded his body with endorphins making him even more susceptible to the pain radiating from his shoulder, from inside him, more precisely. He opened his mouth to try and get the person's attention but all that came out was a dry rasp. He worked his tongue, trying to build up some moisture, but there wasn't any on his tongue either. He tried again, wanting at least someone to answer him, to reassure him, to tell him what had happened, what was going to happen, just to talk to him at all. Just to distract him from the awful things swirling around behind his eyelids. This time, what came out was more of a croak and still had very little resemblance to the "hello?" he had been trying for. The cruel scratch that it made as it passed through his windpipe pushed him past communication and into mortal danger of choking to death on his own tongue.

He began to cough and each rasping bark sliced his dry throat even more. His chest clenched as his lungs struggled for air, un-heedful of any of his personal problems at that moment, causing the pain in his left side to triple and roll through him like the sharp spike of a maniac jamming a twelve inch ice pick into his body.

But at least it got the attention of the person dozing next to him.   
Too bad he no longer cared that they were there. 

"Gohan?? Gohan, are you alright?? Gohan! Shush, you're going to hurt yourself!"

If he had been able to, he would have snarled incredulously back at the person, whose voice was familiar but he couldn't quite place at that exact second, "Shush your fucking self! I'm dying here!" But all he could do was cough and tug ineffectually at the restraints that held him down so well.

"Here, Gohan. Shhhhh, here, drink this… Drink some water, Gohan. Try and get a breath…"

He couldn't see anymore, his eyes tearing up while the wracking coughs took over all his higher functions, but he felt something against his lips and he did as he was told, drawing desperately on the straw. The results were not much better when he inhaled water down his windpipe. 'Aw Kami! I should just give up now and die! It would be better than prolonging this horrible agony!' His mind grumbled sarcastically as hands tried to tilt his head up so that he wasn't drowning in his own suddenly plentiful spit.

But finally the coughs subsided and he got some water down his throat the right way. The whole incident had taken whatever reserves of energy he had left and he didn't even have the will to be angry anymore. He just lay there, limp and miserable and in pain beyond anything he'd ever felt before.

"Gohan… Gohan, honey… Speak to me. Gohan? Are you ok?"

Slowly, Gohan opened his eyes and looked up at Videl's worried face. She smiled in relief, reaching out and stroking his face lightly with her right hand. He didn't want to be touched. His sensory perception was already on overload from the pain radiating through him. Her happy yet concerned features had no effect on him at all except to cause a bleak irritation. He didn't offer her the slightest smile or return her concern as was his normal routine. It would take far too much effort to fake it at the moment.

"Why…" He croaked then swallowed then picked up the fallen question again, just a pinch of hurt and worry carrying through in his voice. "…am I tied down?"

Videl's eyes flashed to the restraints and back to him before flashing away again as if she didn't want to look him in the eye.

"Well, Gohan. When we heard you were in the hospital, your family and I, well, we came to get you." She stopped and he thought that she wouldn't continue, but finally she did. When she continued, she looked back at him in confusion and accusation. "When we came, you acted like you didn't want us here, like you thought we were going to…hurt you or something. Your dad had to hold you down or else you would have torn off everything holding you here and you looked like you would have run away."

Gohan frowned, trying to fathom what she was saying. Time seemed so strange and trying to think back before the moment he woke up was like fishing through a murky pond for a shiny coin. He remembered…remembered… "What…" He froze when, in the midst of his brain wracking, he felt something thud on the bed next to his knee. He looked down at his secured legs and watched as something jerked oddly under the white blanket. "What the hell is that?"

Videl grimaced oddly. "That's a tail. Your dad was actually kinda excited when he saw it. He tried to touch it and then you just went nuts."

Gohan stared limply and the hidden appendage stopped moving. "My tail grew back?" He could remember that, it hurt so much and now he recognized just what that particular pain had been. He'd been having a nightmare…and all those voices talking all at once, yelling, yelling at him, at each other, all the chaos…and the pain…and then hands…hands on his poor tail…hands holding him down…hands trying to hurt him…and then… The doctors and nurses must have heard the ungodly ruckus that his family was making and come and made them leave. He remembered the soothing voice of that nice doctor making him feel better. All at once Gohan snorted, a dark look flowing over his features.

"It's little wonder I have nightmares the way you all storm around screaming and yelling and…touching..."

Videl glared, insulted and taken aback by the tone of Gohan's raspy voice. "What?! We wouldn't even be in this mess if you'd just taken a damn sensu! I can't understand why you refused. Why, Gohan? Why did you refuse our help? Did we do something? Damn it, Gohan! Don't be so childish with something like this. Take the damn sensu first, then you can be mad at us!"

He'd refused a senzu? For a moment he was confused again. Why in the world would he do that? Anything was better than the horrible all encompassing agony that he endured while this woman yelled at him.

"ChiChi was so hurt. How could you do something like that to your own mother? Honestly, I don't know why she takes these things, from you or your father. You've got a great mom there, but neither of you appreciate that."

It came back slowly. His mother's voice, so concerned, so worried. But he'd been so peaceful and collected. Everything had been so clear and he had refused…because…yes. It made sense now. Not perfect sense…things weren't as crystal clear anymore, but after some silent consideration, Gohan decided that, yes, he would stand by his earlier decision. That this pain…might just be worth it. It would only last for a little while, right? He wished that he could regain that calm peace of mind that he'd had earlier. It had made everything so much easier, so much clearer. And Videl kept on berating him and now his father too and it made him feel guilty and it made him want to turn away but he couldn't because he was tethered down. He had to endure the lash of her tongue when he was already dazed by everything else piled on his ruined shoulders. A small but sharp voice popped up in the back of his mind. 'Why do I take things like this?' The reply was simple. 'Because I have to.' The voice replied without a pause and that made him actually think about it. 'No I don't.'

In an attempt to draw her attention away from reprimanding him and also in the hope of gaining some relief, he tried to change the subject. "Videl…could you get a nurse for me…please…it really…hurts."

Videl scoffed. It wasn't a surprising scoff. She was very good at scoffing, always had been. Got it from her father, Gohan assumed. "If you just took the sensu then it wouldn't hurt. Just take it so we can go home already."

That stung and Gohan closed his eyes, but that action immediately transported him back to the scene of his crime where one blue eye and one red eye stared at him in horror. It brought sudden stinging tears to his eyes which opened quickly to stare up at the florescent lights on the white ceiling. If they were so annoyed with him, if he was such a burden, then why the hell were they here? They didn't have to be here, he would have understood if they left. It would probably be better that way. He was a disgrace and a failure and a disappointment. They should all just go away instead of witnessing the full glory of his worthlessness.

"You don't have to be here." He whispered, his voice rasping for reasons other than his dry throat. "You can go home. Just go home."

Again, Videl was taken aback, but angrily this time. Damn the female psyche, it is much much more than an invalid in a hospital could ever take. "Gohan! How can you say that to me?!"

"Could you please get a nurse, Videl." He asked again, trying to avoid the row that was coming.

"No, Gohan! You want me to leave? Is it so wrong for me to care about you?! I'm worried, Gohan! That's why I'm here! You can't just tell me to go away!"

Gohan wasn't in any condition to deal with this and that voice way deep down in the back of his mind kept saying that he didn't have to. So, unlike his usual self, which he concluded could be put aside for a little while since he was in such an extraordinary situation, he actually listened to that little voice for once. He knew that there was a call button somewhere around here…if he had a free hand he could find it and get a nurse.

"Could you untie me, Videl?" He asked in a small voice that barely made it past her angry posturing.

That's when the sarcasm started. "Oh, I don't know, Gohan. You might run away from the evil monster who sat at your bedside all night waiting to see if you were alright."

'Why does everything I say lead to something terrible?' He sighed internally. All he wanted was some relief from the nightmare that he was in. 'That's what this must be, a nightmare. I'm stuck in a nightmare.' Well, if this was a nightmare, then it really wouldn't matter what he did, it would all end up badly anyway. Throwing pride and self control and courtesy to the wind, he used his last resort.

"Hello?" His throat cracked so he swallowed and tried again, managing to get a little more volume this time. "Hellooo? Is there a nurse around?" He called, his voice almost echoing into the hall. Videl spluttered and glared angrily, absolutely aghast that Gohan would do such a thing, yelling over her as if what she was saying wasn't in the least bit important. Plus, he was making her look bad.

"Hellooo, anybody? Please…could I see a nurse?"

"Gohan! Hush! This is a hospital! Stop yelling!" Videl hissed at him in disbelief.

"Yes?" A white and red clad young lady stuck her head in the door. "Can I help you?"

Gohan smiled in relief, so happy that there was someone here in his nightmare besides Videl. "Oh, yes. Thank you. I'm sorry about the noise…" If he could, he would have stuck one hand behind his head as he laughed nervously. "Could you please help me? It really hurts…" He pleaded with that bright smile still in place. "If I could move, I'd probably be writhing in agony. Please…?"

The candystriper's eyes widened from the oddly contrasting expressions on Gohan's face. "Oh! Yes, I'll get someone right away. Don't you worry. Just be a moment." Then she was gone and Gohan finally felt he could relax a little. It would go away soon…that's all he wanted.

Meanwhile, Videl was simmering, but at least she was doing it quietly. It was a minute before she spoke up again and her voice was icy cold. "Fine, Gohan. I'm going home. When you've gotten better and in your right mind again, you can come find me." Then she turned on her heel and stalked out of the room. Gohan watched her go. It hurt, watching her walk away, but it was better this way. It hurt just as much to have her stay and he was already hurting too much. He lay his head back and just concentrated on breathing, trying to endure the fire that was expanding through his body from his shoulder.

A few minutes later someone came into the room and Gohan turned his head, only to blink in surprise. The man from urgent care had come, bringing with him a little plastic box with some plastic wrapped utensils in it. The man smiled kindly and Gohan felt worlds better just because of that. "Hi there. Gohan, right?"

Gohan smiled back, his lips only a little crooked from the pain. "Yeah. I didn't think they sent doctors to deal with the less serious patients."

The man smiled. "Oh, I'm not a doctor. I'm an orderly. I do everything around here. I haven't gotten my degree yet."

That actually made Gohan happier, knowing that he'd get to see this nice guy instead of dealing with someone like that other doctor who was so sharp and terse.

"So, Gohan, how do you feel? Been a rough time, I know." The orderly sat down in the chair that Videl had exited.

"It hurts…" As if in punctuation of his statement, Gohan shifted the tiniest bit and sharp shooting pain lanced through him. The word "hurts" trailed off in a hissing squeak and he tugged instinctively at the shackle on his right arm, trying to reach for the pain. Huffing in frustration, Gohan went limp again. "Do I…have to be tied down?" He asked quietly, expecting his worst fears to be realized.

The orderly smiled reassuringly and set down his box, reaching down and un-strapping Gohan tenderly. "No, of course not. It's just that you were a bit excitable after surgery and we didn't want anything to happen to you. I think you'll be fine now."

The bonds were gone and with them went part of Gohan's anxiety. Then the orderly took a package from the box and opened it to reveal a shiny syringe. "A little pain is normal after undergoing the kind of surgery that you had. Maybe a little more than just a little, huh?" He looked sympathetic and Gohan nodded weakly.

"Yeah…if this is a little…damn. I feel like I'll never move again." Gohan grumbled, watching as the orderly injected the contents of the needle directly into his vein. "What is that?"

"Oh, it's a little something to dull the pain and help you to ignore it. We're not supposed to use too much, but after what you've gone through, I think that you've earned it. You should feel it start to work pretty quick."

And the orderly was right. Already, Gohan could feel that familiar warm numbness flowing over his body. "Oh…that's morphine, isn't it? I remember that from the ambulance… I like that stuff…"

The orderly laughed. "Yeah, just so long as you don't like it too much. I saw that girl leaving. She your girlfriend?"

Gohan was staring at the ceiling, the drug already bringing with it that peace of mind that he so wanted just a few minutes ago. He smiled wistfully, letting the stuff take over quite willingly. "Her?" He paused and let that little voice in the back of his head come out as it so rarely did. "To tell the truth…I don't know what she is. But she's definitely her father's daughter."

"She looked pretty mad. Definitely one that you want to skirt when you see her coming. At least, that was my impression when she passed me."

Gohan shook his head, remembering all the things she had said. It gave him a brief stab of guilt and sorrow, but it didn't really stick. That inner annoyance did, though. "She can be mad if she wants to be. She'll get over it. If not…then I guess she won't."

The orderly laughed again. "A good philosophy. A very good one where women are concerned, at least. Now, you aren't going to try and wander off, are you?"

Gohan chuckled. "Nope. I won't try to leave. I think I'm quite content right here and I don't think I'm going anywhere soon, anyway, right?" He looked up at the orderly, that wistful smile deepening a little. "You've been really nice to me. I just wanted to say thank you."

The orderly smiled brightly again and patted Gohan's good shoulder. "You're a nice guy, Gohan. I can tell. Sometimes all we need is for someone else to extend that courtesy."

Gohan nodded sagely and then another question popped into his head. "Did they really put a metal bar in my shoulder?"

The orderly paused and picked up the chart at the foot of the bed, flipping through it. "Ah…I see…" He came back to Gohan's side and trailed a slim finger along the collarbone of the demi's still good shoulder, stopping just before the shoulder joint. "This bone was shattered by the bullet as it entered. It entered at an angle…and exited here…also part of the scapula had to be repaired here. The surgeon had to replace most of the collarbone and reinforce it up to here…" He moved his finger up past the midpoint of the bone almost to the center of Gohan's chest. "And he had to replace the ball joint of the shoulder here and then reattach the tendon to the bone lower down here..."

Gohan watched that slim, finger trail over his bare shoulder, only just realizing that he wasn't wearing a shirt. It would be kinda hard to get a shirt over his left shoulder the way it was bandaged, he thought vaguely. "That…sounds like a lot of work… It would have been easier to just take it off…" Gohan felt himself starting to slow down again. It was so…relaxing. Very welcome after his usual high strung state of being. "When I first looked at it…in that tile room…I thought it was gone."

The orderly squeezed his good shoulder. "No way. We're capable of such great things now. Just you wait. In a few months, you'll be good as new and you'll be glad that you still have it."

There was a scuffle at the door and the orderly turned to see what it was. There at the doorway was Goku, peering in uncertainly. "Hi."

The orderly smiled warmly at him. "Hello, Mr. Son." He turned back to Gohan, smartly removing the needle from sight. Wouldn't want another "Son episode" like what happened earlier when the young demi had to be restrained in his nightmare. Goku had nearly taken the wall down when he'd seen the syringe. "I'll be back to check on you in a while, alright, Gohan?" He gathered up his little box and headed toward the door. Just before leaving, he stopped to speak softly to Goku. "I've given him something for the pain. He might be a bit…fuzzy, but otherwise he's fine. He's a strong boy." Then the orderly was gone and Goku walked hesitantly over to the bed.

There was a slight discomfort in Gohan's stomach which he couldn't quite figure out. When his father was close enough to look down at him, he realized it was a very numb and distant feeling of dread. 'Huh, strange…' He looked up at his dad silently, taking in the hesitant stance and expression. It was the same kind of stance that he gave to ChiChi after being gone with no word for a week or when Vegeta got all pissed off and reamed him for some reason.

"Hi, Gohan. How ya feelin?" He asked, his normal cheerful smile not offsetting the restraint that Goku was obviously feeling.

Gohan thought about it and realized that he wasn't in pain anymore. He felt heavy and a little tired but not really. The biggest change was that the horrible anxiety had eased. "I feel better."

"I saw Videl, she seemed pretty mad."

Gohan rolled his eyes, feeling pleasantly free suddenly. He would have shrugged if he could. "She's always mad about something. Just like mom. Maybe the two of them should date and leave me out of it."

Goku blinked and took a moment to decide if he had actually heard that right. "Er…" Then he laughed, scratching the back of his head. "You know…I wonder if they'd be happier…" Then he shook away the strange picture and looked to his son again. Goku's eyes landed on the bandaged portion of his shoulder and side. "Sure seems like a lot of damage from such a tiny thing. I couldn't believe it when I heard. Are you ok, Gohan?" He sat down on the edge of the bed.

Gohan looked away. He didn't want to look his father in the eye. He didn't want to tell him yet again that he'd failed, that he'd let down his guard to the point that some human with a human weapon could harm him. "I'm sorry, dad." He whispered. The feeling of a hand on his chest brought his eyes to his father's. Goku was smiling at him but Gohan could still see the worry in his eyes.

"Everyone slips once in a while. It's normal. Sometimes I hold too much back when I spar with Vegeta and he gets me good every time. You can't always predict what's gonna happen in a fight. What counts right now is that you're ok."

Gohan could feel the tears come and he closed his eyes, feeling them slip down his temples and into his hair. "…dad…" He was surprised that his voice was as strong as it was. He didn't feel that strong. "I killed him. I killed the kid with the gun. Shooting me was the last thing he ever did. I crushed his throat with my hand. I felt his spine crumble. I can't get his face out of my head."

"Gohan… Sometimes you have to do things that you don't want to do. Five people were killed by those guys in that place and you stopped them from hurting more." The voice was soft and patient.

Gohan shook his head, not caring about the sharp stab it caused. "No, dad. I caused it. I made them panic. I caused those people to get killed because I was there. It's all my fault. I… I won't do it anymore." Gohan finally looked back at his father. "Dad, I never wanted to be a fighter. I never wanted to be a hero. I was never cut out for it. Everyone knows that. I never asked for this power. I'd give it to you in an instant if I could. You're the hero, dad. Not me. I don't want it anymore. I can't handle it. I'm not made for things like this. I… I'm sorry… I tried…I'm sorry I can't live up to what you want."

Goku paused for only a moment. "Gohan… You should get some rest. You've been through a lot. Things may look different after you've healed some."

The earth raised Saiyan wasn't sure what to think. He was worried about more than the fact that Gohan had refused a senzu. He'd done that himself before, wanting to heal on his own or because the wound just wasn't serious enough to warrant one. Gohan's wound was serious enough to warrant a senzu, but he would respect his son's wishes to heal unaided. What concerned him was the fact that Gohan had been wounded so severely by something so insignificant. It wasn't completely surprising, Gohan had lost his nerve in battle before. It was something that Goku always kept alert for in their battles, something that he always tried to be there to offset, to give his son the strength or encouragement he needed because Goku knew that Gohan could do it. It was Gohan who always seemed to forget what he was capable of. Gohan had forgotten yet again…and it had almost killed him this time.

Goku knew that his son had been having a difficult time over the years and it just seemed to grow harder for the boy. He could see the pain in his son's eyes and in his body language. He knew Gohan wasn't happy and hadn't been for some time. But he hadn't the foggiest notion just what to do about it. Just like his wife, Goku just couldn't figure out what it was that they needed. Goten was simple. Even Trunks was easy to understand. But his wife and first born were a mystery to him at times. He used to get along wonderfully with Gohan back when it was just training, when it was fishing on the river and enjoying the freedom and peace of nature. Some of his best memories with Gohan were of the time before Cell when they had just gone away together to prepare. That time seemed so far away now. As Gohan grew older and his life became more complicated, they had grown apart because Gohan had other things on his mind like school and work and mates and Saiyaman and…whatever else it was that he obsessed over so much. It also didn't help that Goku had been dead for seven years.

But right now, this seemed a little more serious than the angst of a child growing up. Goku felt that it reached much deeper than it seemed or than Gohan let on. But Gohan was a big boy. He'd tell them what was on his mind when he was ready. Goku didn't think he'd give up on Saiyaman or on his heritage. It was a part of who Gohan was. He couldn't walk away from that. He just needed some time to sort himself out. So Goku didn't really take all that he said seriously. Most of the things that everyone else took so seriously pretty much slid off Goku. Like the killing. When Goku was young, before he learned restraint to go with his power, he had killed any number of people. They'd all been bad guys and had all tried to hurt him or those he cared about and he'd killed them with no remorse and little thought. Innocents were different, they did nothing to warrant being killed. But the people he'd fought and who Gohan had fought, he felt no remorse for them. He had a much more liberal view of things like that than most did and, anyway, he knew it would all work out. It always did with time.

Everything would be back to normal soon. Surely it would. He smiled at his boy reassuringly and ignored the unsure feeling that made his brow want to furrow as he looked down at his distraught and depressed boy.

-

-


	4. Let It Slip Away

**-The Mighty Rogue-**  
Yet another chapter. I had a bit of a hard time getting through this one but it finally came out. Now, I just have to figure out how I'm going to get to the good stuff… smirks gonna be fun.  
**-Bow Before Me-**

-

-

**Revis**  
**"Your Wall"**  
  
You've got a way  
Of watching the world divide  
You into place  
Direction is lost in flight  
  
Everyone is gone  
Let it slip away  
Look at you  
At the end of it  
  
This moment will rise   
And it takes you further inside  
In through your wall again  
That covers you once your in  
In through your wall again  
Until you can reach the end  
  
I can see through  
When communication is gone  
The pieces of you  
Fall down from the cloud you were on  
  
Now everyone is gone  
Let it slip away  
Look at you now your at the end  
  
This moment will rise  
And it takes you further inside  
Into your wall again  
That covers you once your in  
In through your wall again  
Until you can reach the end  
In through your wall  
  
Empty your head and the rest will come  
I missed you then the moment was gone  
Look at you now  
  
This moment will rise  
And it takes you further inside  
Lost your place but no one can tell  
That your sick of losing yourself  
  
Into your wall again 

That covers you once your in

Into your wall again

Until you can reach the end

-

-----------------------------------------  
Everything would be back to normal soon. Surely it would. He smiled at his boy reassuringly and ignored the unsure feeling that made his brow want to furrow as he looked down at his distraught and depressed boy.  
----------------------------------------- 

**Warnings** - Adult situations/intimacy, hentai lime/lemon, cursing, almost sex. -smirks-

-

**Let It Slip Away**

-

"Gohan!"

The muffled shrill voice was muted and indistinct, but the dull thudding that followed it was very clear.

"Gohan! Open the door! I know you're home, get off your butt and let me in!"

More pounding followed and it finally began to disturb and rouse the inhabitant of the dark, cave-like apartment. He shifted and groaned in the gloom, brow creasing in annoyance before dark eyes finally cracked to peer tiredly around the room. Gohan lay there, considering whether he should just ignore Videl, but, in the end, he decided that that would just make things worse. Rolling awkwardly, he climbed onto unsteady feet, picking up the rumpled blankets and then looking around the living room for someplace to hide them. Grimacing, he realized that, with the state of the apartment, a few strewn blankets really wouldn't make much difference and dropped them in a pile on the floor. The banging on the door sounded like it was getting louder and he shuffled over to it, not wanting the violent fem on the other side to bust it down like she was threatening to.

Videl was so wrapped up in being angry and impatient that she didn't even hear the lock unlatch or realize that the door was open until the hard surface vanished from beneath her knuckles. She paused long enough to glare Gohan up and down and then pushed her way past him and into the apartment.

"About time. Do you know how long I've been out there trying to get you to wake up?" She squinted around the dim, dank room and then found the light switch on the wall. Suddenly the room was bathed in bright light that blazed mercilessly over a cluttered mess of pizza boxes and empty takeout containers. The room smelled old and stale with the sickly sweet and bitter scent of food remnants heavy in the air. Videl's nose scrunched unpleasantly and she moved to open the drawn blinds. "Gohan! Open a window or something! It stinks to high heaven in here. Jeez, what have you been doing all week, just sitting here in the dark?"

She pulled open first one window and then another, moving through the room and scooping piles of Chinese takeout boxes and other such containers into an already full trashcan and squishing them down inside it with her foot. Gohan just stood there by the still open door, blinking and squinting blearily in the light and listening as Videl grumbled to herself about "slobbish men". Then she turned with her hands on her hips and pinned him with a piercing gaze.

"I know I told you to come see me when you're in your right mind again, but it's been a damn week! I know you're recuperating, but you haven't said a word in all that time." She glanced around the room disgustedly. "And look at this place. Haven't you heard of trash pickup? This place is filthy."

Gohan looked around blankly, absently scratching at the cast that held his arm suspended at an odd angle and shrugged his good shoulder. "Trash day is tomorrow. I've still got time."

His gaze came back to the irate woman when she growled and he rolled his eyes with little concern for her ardor. His voice carried the sound of a bored and exasperated sigh. "I found out how hard it is to cook and do dishes with one hand. Takeout is easier."

Videl frowned and stepped closer to Gohan, looking him in the eyes suspiciously. After a moment she nodded wryly. "Medicated still, are we?" She asked sarcastically.

Gohan smirked and nodded looking bland, his dilated eyes struggling to keep up with the movement. "Yup. I can feel the metal. Sometimes it feels cold. The doc gave me something for the pain."

Now it was Videl's turn to roll her eyes. "So you're still out of your mind and you won't be normal until all this stuff is out of your system. Of course. How could I think otherwise?"

Gohan's eyebrows rose and he nodded as if to say 'Eh, oh well'. "Yeah…I guess so." Then his brow furrowed and he looked at her like he was about to share something amazing and awe-inspiring. "You know…this stuff is really cool. It makes everything so…" He looked around, trailing off while he tried to think of a worthy description. "It's cool."

Videl huffed, eyeing the pile of blankets by a large, cushy recliner. "Have you been sleeping out here in the living room?"

Gohan nodded while she continued to pick up the room. "It's the most comfortable thing right now and I can't roll." He started to frown as he watched her rearranging everything and gathering up all the trash. One garbage can was already filled with empty pizza boxes and some other cardboard so Videl went into the kitchen to round up another one.

"Oh good Kami!"

Gohan sighed, shutting the front door, and walked over to stand in the doorway of the kitchen. Videl had found his attempt at meal preparation and his cleanup afterwards. His ki was supposed to be good for something, right? If he couldn't scrub the dishes, surely he could burn the mess off of them. Right? Obviously there had been a flaw in his logic.

"Gohan! How did you melt glass??" She turned and glared at him. "While you are taking these damn drugs you are NOT to use any energy!" She turned around to the sink and proceeded to clean up the scorched, mangled mess that took up the kitchen counter space, talking to herself animatedly about something regarding heavy machinery, muscle brains, destruction of the world as she knew it, and inadequate warning labels.

Gohan grimaced slightly and watched her bustle around, his eyes sliding over her form thoughtfully. Leaning on the door jam, his head cricked sideways, taking in how she moved, as if her jerky, impatient, clipped movements were the most interesting thing in the room. 'She really tries.' He thought quietly. 'It's the thought that counts, right?' Videl wasn't bad looking in a butch sort of way, but she wasn't pretty like that paramedic he had hit on. Videl certainly was not the domestic type. She looked totally wrong cleaning up after him.

"Videl, don't worry about it, I was gonna take it all out tonight anyway."

He almost growled when she ignored him. This is what he had put up with all this time. Everyone ignoring him. Sure, how could he know what was good for him? He was just Gohan. Everyone needed to help him out because he was too spineless to do it himself. He snorted quietly. And he was spineless. He knew it. Completely and utterly spineless and weak. He couldn't stand up to anyone or anything unless he had a fucking Plexiglas mask between himself and them. He closed his eyes and sighed, defeated.

"Is there something you wanted, Videl?"

She eyed him sideways. "I came to check up on you. Good thing I did too. You're a mess. You haven't washed all week either, have you?"

Gohan turned away from the door and went back to his chair, sinking into it glumly. "It's kinda hard to shower when you can't get your left side wet."

He blinked at finding icy blue eyes staring up at him suggestively. He had taken more of whatever it was that the doctor had prescribed him about a half hour before and it was really starting to kick in. It must be…because he never noticed when she followed him back to the living room or when she knelt in front of him and slid her hands up along his thighs. Blinking, he took all this in; the feel of her small hands squeezing his inner thighs and the press of her breasts against his knees and, of course, that look in her eyes.

"I can't let my Gohan stay dirty, can I? No…I like him squeaky clean…" She smirked up at him, pressing up along his shins.

He pondered that look. It was almost predatory. That look. Slightly appealing. But he knew where that led. Always the same place. Actually, it wasn't all that appealing after all. Downright indifferent at the moment, really. Maybe that was just because of the drugs affecting him, but, even sober, sometimes it was more (or less, depending on how you looked at it) effort than it was worth. "I said it's hard to take a shower. I didn't say that I didn't bathe." He grumbled half heartedly.

"Oh good." She purred in a deep voice, her thumbs sliding over the crotch of his sweatpants and the soft flesh beneath. It was surprising just how well he felt the caress. Normally it took a lot more than that to get his blood going, but, now that she had his attention, that felt pretty damn good.

Gohan frowned just the tiniest bit, looking down at her hands as they stroked him erect as if trying to solve a puzzle. Usually…Videl just didn't turn him on this much without quite a bit of effort on both their parts…but damn that felt good… Still, the urge to fuck her just wasn't there. He felt too blank for any such want to take root. He was absolutely not in the mood. That sure said a lot for his male drive, that an attractive chick was pretty much begging him for sex and he just…didn't care. He closed his eyes, content to let her have her way for the moment though. This week had been pretty bleak for him and he wasn't sure whether he wanted company or whether he wanted to be left to waste away in the dark all alone. It's not like company changed much. No one understood, no one saw, no one could tell…no one cared. Fuck it. Gohan didn't care either. Not when he could help it.

Things had seemed like they might be sort of ok over the week he was at the hospital, but once they sent him home it all just seemed to settle on him like silt at the bottom of a cold lake. Videl was right. He had come home and hadn't said a word to anyone. He'd just curled up on his big soft chair in the dark and drifted in a never changing void of lonely, depressed shadow. And it had been…sort of ok…if you didn't count the fact that it hurt in more ways than just physical. He hadn't gone to school or to work, hadn't moved much at all. His most active moments were when he was good and drugged and numb, not feeling the oppressive, disgruntled unhappiness or the sting in his body. The medication actually made him pretty restless, but he had no desire to go anywhere. Life had left him blessedly alone for a whole week, passing by with nary a whisper. It had been…nice? He wasn't sure. It was mostly a blur anyway. At least it had been quiet. Calm and quiet.

And now life was pushing itself back onto him. Why couldn't it just leave him alone? Hadn't he indulged it enough? Couldn't it give him a rest for a while? Go make someone else its savior and whipping boy. But, of course, it looked like he was the man for the job. He was so not in the mood for this. He didn't deserve it, didn't want it.

'I don't want Videl.'

The opinion startled him as it spoke up so clearly in his mind. He studied it as one would some strange and new foreign food. 'I don't want Videl.' He repeated it just to feel it out once more. It fit comfortably. It fit so well that it was hard to believe that he'd never realized it before. He just wanted…nothing. Absolutely nothing. He hoped it swallowed him.

"Videl, stop it."

His voice sounded fuzzy in his ears, stumbling over his numb tongue. His eyes were still closed and he found the darkness like a comforting blanket. The hands drew away and he sighed half disappointed as the nice, warm, flushed feeling diminished and half in tired relief. Then his eyes flickered as Videl's weight crawled over him, her hot thighs straddling his hips. Warm lips brushed his, softly, gently, lovingly. He pried his eyes open but couldn't force his partially dilated pupils to focus on the face only inches from his own.

"Don't worry, Gohan. I'll be gentle." He assumed that the husky whisper was supposed to be erotic, but it just reminded him of a smoker's rasp. Gentle? Gentle was the last thing he cared about. He didn't want any of it. None.

"Videl…"

His protest was cut off by a hissed intake of air as she settled on his lap and rolled her pelvis. Slick warmth alerted him to the fact that she'd somehow managed to lose her jeans somewhere and that she was quite serious about her side of this whole thing. He had only been partially hard so far, was even starting to lose that, but it came back quickly despite his disgust. He was disgusted. With himself and with her too.

'I don't want Videl.'

It was so true, how the hell could it have ever slipped past him before? He didn't know. Just like he didn't know why it felt so different this time…so…good. The slick warm heat felt good sliding against him, better than good. He wasn't usually so sensitive.

'It's the medication.'

Fuck. The medication was giving him a damn hard-on. Now that was fucked up. And Videl thought it was her. 'She must be overjoyed. She hasn't gotten me this hard in…ever.' The demi snorted softly in amusement, the feel of her hot breaths and blunt teeth on his earlobe bringing him out of his heavy thoughts and back to the present. She groaned into his ear and his lip curled distastefully. She sounded like a sheep bleating. 'Sorry, not into that sort of thing.'

"Get off, Videl." He growled quietly, all humor gone.

She gasped, rocking on him, mistaking the meaning of his words. "…al…most…Gooooha…"

'I don't have to deal with this.'

Before he even realized what he was doing, his hand pressed flat on her stomach and he pushed up and back, sending Videl falling onto the floor. Her gasp switched to a shriek so fast that it made Gohan laugh. 'She wasn't expecting that. Good.' He thought meanly and it surprised him yet again. It felt good. Why the hell shouldn't he feel that way?

"I'm not in the mood, Videl."

He looked down at her laying on the carpet, naked from the waist down and dripping on his floor. 'I'll smell that for weeks.' He grimaced and looked down at the ground around his chair. He picked up her lost jeans and flung them in her direction, pulling his own sweats back up from where she'd tugged them. He glanced up and spotted her face again. 'Oh boy. She's mad.' She'd turned a rather horrific shade of red, her mouth flapping like a big mouth bass drowning in oxygen.

"Go home, Videl. I can clean my own apartment." He muttered, struggling to his feet. Upon standing up, the room began to spin and he had to hold the back of his chair for balance. Vaguely a buzzing sound caught his attention. Videl was yelling at him. Gohan smirked to himself. 'Maybe I shouldn't have taken two doses…but I'm glad I did.' So long as there were screaming women in the world…double doses sounded like a mighty fine idea. Gohan didn't even try to hear anything she was shouting.

"I don't want to fuck you, Videl. Yes, I said fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! I don't want to talk, I don't want company, I don't want help, I don't want to listen to your screeching. I just want to go to sleep, alone, all by my self. Leave me alone, Videl. Go away." His voice seemed to echo back to himself from around the room. 'Am I yelling?'

It took him a moment to notice that she wasn't yelling anymore. Well, she was, but it was muffled because she was crying. Her face was wet as she struggled to pull her jeans up. She was tripping over herself in her haste to get clothed and to the door. Finally she yelled something back that he didn't hear or understand and yanked the door open, fleeing through it.

Gohan rocked on his heals, watching the door sway in a breeze from outside. A part of him felt a kind of sting for making Videl cry. But the rest of him was just tired of her and glad that she had gone. She never listened to him anyway. Just like the rest of them. She hadn't listened when he said no. She'd just done whatever she felt like doing. He was tired of those people who were supposed to love him doing these things to him.

"Gohan?"

The word repeated a number of times before the demi figured out just what it meant. He shook himself and blinked at the doorway where a new figure stood. He must have been standing there staring for at least a few minutes because no one had been there when Videl stormed away. He took a deep breath and walked unsteadily toward the door, gripping it for support.

"Yes, mom, I know Videl's mad. You know what? She can stay fucking mad. It's the only way she's gonna get the fucking she wants. Are you fucking mad too? I don't need looking after so you can stay fucking mad too. I'm going back to bed."

Gohan closed the door in ChiChi's face and locked it. From the other side, he could hear pounding and screeching just like when Videl came calling earlier and he laughed. 'Those two really should go fuck each other, they are perfect together.' He laughed harder at the mental image that appeared of the two of them ripping into one another and wearing strap on dildos.

He laughed for a few minutes before the amusement began to die down and realized only then that he was laying on the living room floor. He rolled slowly, feeling like he was swimming through the carpet and flipped onto his back, idly wondering if he could drown in the carpet since he only had one arm to use to swim. He stared up at the ceiling and chuckled to himself some more.

'This really is some strong, fucking cool stuff."

-------------------------------------------

Gohan woke to strong arms lifting him and holding him. He opened his eyes and waited for the room to come into focus. He wasn't at all worried about who it was that was holding him. It didn't even occur to him to worry.

"Gohan? Are you alright?"

The young demi groaned sleepily and rubbed his eye clumsily with his right hand. "Yeah, dad. I was sleeping."

Goku smiled down at him. "I know, Gohan. Your mom was worried. She said you were acting funny."

Gohan waved his hand recklessly in the air, almost bumping his dad's nose. "Pshh…just because I wanna sleep. Nobody will leave me alone. I just wanna be alone an sleep, but nooooooooo. Ya wanna fuck me…at least lemme sleep through it." He grumbled this last part, still mildly pissed that Videl had bothered him so much earlier.

Goku blinked and looked quite confused over that statement. "Uh…I'll let you sleep, Gohan. I just wanted to make sure you were ok."

Gohan sighed, a sad frown taking over his face, his eyes closing. He leaned into his father's embrace and nuzzled the strong chest like he used to do when he was young. Before his father left him for the afterlife.

"Dad?" His voice was muffled.

"Yes, Gohan?" Goku answered immediately.

"Dad…Why don't I exist?"

"What?" Goku couldn't understand what that was supposed to mean.

Gohan's voice was soft. "Why don't I exist? Nobody can see me…so I must not exist."

Goku hugged him tighter, unable to understand what the hell was going on. "I can see you, Gohan."

Gohan looked up at him with the innocence of a child half his age. "You can?"

Goku ran his fingers through Gohan's hair soothingly and nodded. "Yes, son. I can see you. I know you exist. Nothing would ever be the same if you didn't."

The demi smiled and closed his eyes again, relaxing. "Good. I'm glad you can see me. I don't want to be invisible."

His breathing turned rhythmic almost instantly and Goku carried him to his bed, laying the young man down. He looked down on Gohan quietly for a few minutes, wondering what that conversation had been about. He remembered back during the times that he had been hospitalized. He never liked the medication that the doctors had given him. It had made him feel strange and out of control. He had refused to take it most of the time. That was probably it. He hoped that Gohan would heal soon. It would be nice to have him back to normal again.

-

-

-


	5. So Real

**-Author Speaks-  
**I wasn't completely content with this chapter, but it is needed so that the next chapters have some foundation to stand on. I'm working through a few days of boredom so that I can get to the good stuff. This chapter skipped ahead another week and the next chapter will probably be similar that way, skipping at least a few days.  
**-Ok…Done…Yay!-**

**Three Days Grace  
"Scared"  
  
**At night I hear it creeping  
At night I feel it move  
I'll never sleep here anymore  
  
I wish you never told me  
I wish I never knew  
I wake up screaming  
It's all because of you  
  
So real these voices in my head  
When it comes back you won't be  
Scared and lonely  
You won't be scared, you won't be  
You won't be scared and lonely  
You won't be scared you won't be lonely  
  
I know there's something out there  
I think I hear it move  
I've never felt like this before  
I wish you never told me  
I wish I never knew  
I wake up screaming  
It's all because of you  
  
So real these voices in my head  
When it comes back you won't be  
Scared and lonely  
You won't be scared, you won't be  
You won't be scared and lonely  
You won't be scared you won't be lonely  
  
Its all because of you  
I wish you never told me  
I wake up screaming now  
So real these voices in my head  
So real these voices in my head  
I wake up screaming now  
I wish you never told me  
I wish I never knew  
  
Scared and lonely  
You won't be scared, you won't be  
You won't be scared and lonely  
You won't be scared you won't be lonely  
  
Scared and lonely  
You won't be scared, you won't be  
You won't be scared and lonely  
You won't be scared you won't be lonely

-

-------------------------------------------  
He remembered back during the times that he had been hospitalized. He never liked the medication that the doctors had given him. It had made him feel strange and out of control. He had refused to take it most of the time. That was probably it. He hoped that Gohan would heal soon. It would be nice to have him back to normal again.  
-------------------------------------------

**Warnings –** Cursing, angst, angry shit.

**Characters –** Some new characters to further the story. They will appear again later and I think you'll enjoy that.

**-So Real-**

Sleep.

With sleep come dreams.

In dreams lay the truth of ourselves.

Our wants. Our desires. Our wishes. Our fears.

Sleep without dreams is only empty despair. Nothing to look to. Nothing to look back on.

Gohan had no dreams. Sleep was a long and fleeting moment where he could cease to exist. Where nothing could touch him and where he neither felt nor cared. He hated it and he yearned for it both at once.

Gohan did have nightmares. They would lay in wait in the darkness of sleep until he fell into their grasp. Then they would take hold, griping with sharp claws, sinking long nails into his mind and holding him captive.

Some of them were plain, cold, unfeeling. He looked on in the nightmare with disparaging calm until he finally came awake and then could not find sleep again. These dreams held images and visions of his family and friends, turning away from him, disavowing him, turning against him. Hateful images of those who were supposed to care for him, love him, haunted these nightmares. He knew they were false, that things like that would never come true, that they were shadowed reflections of reality. But that did not help him get to sleep after witnessing himself hurt or betrayed or killed by someone he trusted. These were not so terrible, though. They were merely disturbing, disquieting images.

But some of his nightmares were frightening, dark, terrible things full of unseen threat and horror. The worst thing about these was that they felt so real. He could feel something evil creeping up on him, reaching out to get him. It was there, just waiting for him to trip or fall or make the wrong turn in this labyrinth of fear…and then it would have him. The things he saw in these dreams would send his heart into the pit of his stomach and turn his pulse racing. Many of these visions repeated, the same exact thing happening over and over again, but every viewing was like seeing it all for the first time. Mostly, the villain in these visions was indistinct, cloaked or shadowed so that he could not see who or what it was. And there was the not so rare instance when he knew exactly what was following him. One of these wraiths was something that, no matter how he rationed it away afterwards, always turned his spine to ice when it appeared. No matter what he did, he just couldn't escape it. It always caught him. He always woke in its clutches, a scream fresh on his lips and a fresh image of one red eye and one blue eye staring at him with mindless, dead, malice. Upon waking from those nightmares, he often could still feel the cold, half-decayed fingers on his skin or wrapped around his throat. Those clawing, grasping hands were inevitable and, as soon as this ghost made himself known, all hope was lost because Gohan knew he could never get away from it.

It was these apparitions that caused the demi to flee the lure of dark oblivion and stay awake. Slowly his sleep pattern began to shift from night to day when light would burn around the edges of curtains and shades and lend its comfort. Gohan spent his nights restlessly, watching tv or merely shuffling aimlessly around his small apartment keeping busy with random chores. When the nightmares were especially bad, the little building would become spotless, glistening from every corner as he kept himself occupied rather than sleep. Then the frightening images would fade and his home degraded into sloth as he once again neglected everything in favor of drowning in dark non-existence until the pattern cycled anew.

Another week slowly groaned past bringing with it random visits of caring good wishers and concerned worriers which Gohan blearily acknowledged and sent away, wanting nothing more than to be just left alone in his tired depression. The demi soon learned that the medication he took dimmed the nightmares and took advantage of the relief it gave, dosing at night and even double dosing when he felt especially paranoid. But by early morning, the meds always wore off and he would wake in a cold sweat or lurch from his bed or chair and the icy fingers that waited there. Existence had become a very simple and gloomy prospect, but it was comfortable in its dismal sameness and Gohan was loathe to accept when life began to wedge its way back into his new pattern.

His doctor began to call, which was ok because he was running low on medication and he didn't have any bad feelings toward the hospital despite the fact he now carried its patented seal of approval in the form of a cold itch under the large unwieldy cast on his arm and shoulder.

He also began getting calls from work and school wondering when he'd be well enough to come in again. These he avoided for a while, finally answering when messages began to pile up on his answering machine. He gave them both the same lame excuse. He had a doctor appointment and wouldn't be able to answer them until afterwards.

Now, Gohan sat in the dark in his big comfy chair, staring at the door. It was early morning and he couldn't sleep again. It was also almost time for his appointment, but he didn't want to leave the comfort of his gloomy little cave. He didn't feel up to facing anyone. For anything. This antisocial behavior was a bit odd on him, but he found that it didn't feel odd. It felt nice. He'd always had trouble "socializing". He was more the sort who was dragged around by social people and really didn't know what to do or say while he was immersed in society. He had to admit that he had that much in common with his father, except that Goku wasn't shy at all. Gohan had decided that not "socializing" all together was much easier and felt good. It was worth the slight loneliness that came with it which wasn't even that bad either.

Finally, after struggling and pouting and thinking of a million reasons not to walk out that door, Gohan finally groaned and dragged himself out of the chair. He disappeared into the bathroom to try and make himself presentable for inspection, which is what the doctor would surely do.

Soon, a relatively clean Gohan wiped the steam from the mirror and looked himself over. He'd put on a little weight over the last two weeks. He wasn't quite so stickly thin and lean anymore since he'd been getting absolutely no exercise cooped up in this little building. He looked more like the other guys at college now, not fat certainly, but with at least a little meat on him. He wondered absently if the change might do anything to his "nerd" label. Probably not. His hair was beginning to grow back some. He'd needed a haircut before all this happened and now it was going on the fourth week since. His hair was beginning to creep down his neck like it did when he was a child and spike up on top like his dad's. He started to try and brush it into a semblance of order, but gave up, letting it go its own way instead. There were enough guys out there nowadays that were spiking their hair that it wouldn't look so abnormal. Why did he give a damn if he looked abnormal anyway? He'd always been so worried about things like that. He was tired of it, tired of everything. He didn't have the energy to give a fuck about stupid things like that right now so he refused to care about it. In fact while he was thinking along these lines, he decided he didn't give a shit that it would be hell trying to get a shirt on over this damn cast. Fuck it. He wasn't even going to try. They would just have to deal with him like this. He really didn't care what they thought. And just to make sure that he didn't change his mind once he was surrounded by people and they were all looking at him with those looks, just like he knew they would, he picked up his little prescription bottle and dumped out the few pills that were left. Not many at all. Only a day or two worth. He took one pill and broke it in half so that he wouldn't be too giddy at the hospital and swallowed the half, carefully putting away the rest. He gave himself one last appraising look in the mirror, absently scratching at the edge of the cast on his chest. His shoulder had begun to itch terribly. Gohan knew that meant that it was healing, but it was driving him nuts because he couldn't reach it. He adjusted his jeans which, for once, were actually snug rather than loose and baggy. Ignoring the belt that he didn't need anymore, he headed for the door. It took him a few moments to get accustomed to the blinding light outside and he asserted that he would have to get a pair of sunglasses if he was going to deal with such an ungodly thing like sunlight.

----------------------------------------

Gohan was a picture in himself, whether he knew it or not, striding stiffly into the hospital lobby wearing an old pair of black loafers, tight faded blue jeans, and his short spikes framing a pair of black sporty sunglasses that a vendor had suggested looked "just right" on him. The last two details are what carried the look so well, which were the bare muscular chest with the massive injury…and the seemingly unintended, sour expression on Gohan's face that said "I don't wanna be here, don't talk to me, just leave me alone". He wasn't going to get his wish, though.

After what felt like an eternity of waiting and being stared at, then being poked and prodded and x-rayed, then interrogated, then left alone to wait again, finally someone deigned to talk to him and tell him what deduction had been made. He seemed to be healing surprisingly fast. At this rate he might be out of the cast well before his due time, which was supposed to be months away still. Just to be on the safe side, though, they would wait until after his next checkup before making any decisions toward that end. Then, after all that time spent waiting on the doctor, he whisked away almost before Gohan could even absorb the information he'd been given. He managed to catch the doctor before he could leave the room, though. He wanted to know about his medication refill. The doctor briskly flipped through the chart until he found the prescription.

"You should still have plenty left." He stated gruffly, his beside manner not improved much at all.

Now it was Gohan's turn to act guilty. He was always good at feeling guilty. He hated it. He knew he'd been taking much more than the prescription called for, but it said take "as needed" and he had needed it. So now he had to actually justify himself and buy the doctor's clinical sympathy to get what he'd been freely given at the beginning of all this. He hated that too.

He rubbed the cast gingerly. "It hurts, especially at night. It aches so bad that it keeps me awake half the time and now it's started to itch enough to drive me nuts and I can't get to it to make it stop. I haven't been able to sleep much at all so I've been taking the stuff to make me sleep. It really helps."

The doctor eyed him and then looked into the chart once more, making a few new scrawls with that gnarled 'doctor penmanship' they always use and somehow manage to make sense of. "What you're on now isn't a long term drug. It's only used for severe cases and you've healed marvelously well already. You don't need it anymore. I'm going to prescribe you something else that should work just as well."

And with that, he was gone leaving Gohan angry and annoyed and distressed. "Why not just stay with what already _is_ working!" The demi grumbled, but the room was already empty.

-----------------------------------------

And so, Gohan ended up back home with a brand new glimmering orange pill bottle, which he glared at dubiously. He had already asserted that it had not been worth leaving the apartment that morning and he had no intention of leaving it again that day. The hospital had given him clean leave to go back to work, which he had been rather disappointed to hear even though he knew that he would have to go back eventually. He'd forgotten what it was like to not have to work, he'd been doing it since he got into college. Granted, he had a pretty cushy office job in the accounting department of the college and he had absolutely no problem with the work because he was so adept with numbers and managed to somehow avoid all the office drama that surrounded his coworkers. Always an outsider, he was, even at work. Even though he could rattle off the name and number of any given account just from memory alone and he tended to be the one that his coworkers came to whenever they needed to know something, he still just didn't fit in with all their clicks and he didn't want to. They needed him, so he'd managed to stay neutral without too many problems. The office had probably fallen apart without him there to keep things organized, but he had no wish to go back. Not right now. He didn't think that he could deal with it.

Class? This whole semester was a lost cause. He'd missed almost a month so far and he couldn't validate why it was worth trying to catch up at this point. He might as well just give up.

He shuffled to the bedroom and threw himself onto the bed, a little harder than he meant to. He growled at the sharp ache that flooded his jostled shoulder and lay there stiffly waiting for it to go away. He lay there, sprawled haphazardly, for a while and had been just about to drift off to dark sleep when the phone rang right next to his ear. Sighing, he fumbled for the receiver, not willing to open his eyes, wanting to stay in the dark. Finally finding the source of annoyance, he answered.

"What?"

"Son Gohan?" The voice on the other end sounded a bit miffed at the way he'd answered.

Gohan didn't care if she was miffed. She was one of those who got miffed at the slightest things and then bitched over them for a week. She could bitch all she wanted, he didn't care. "Yes, Sofie, it's me." He sighed tiredly.

"How are you doing, Gohan? Did you talk to the doctor?" She asked with false concern and courtesy.

The demi wished that he had just let the phone ring. "Yes, Sofie. I'll come in to work tomorrow." He almost groaned.

"Oh good! I'll get the others to put everything together and leave it on your desk. Glad you're feeling better, honey. We're all looking forward to seeing you again. We've been so worried." Gohan noted that she'd labeled him as feeling better even though he hadn't told her how he was. From the sounds of it, there was going to be a shitload of work waiting for him tomorrow.

"Ok, Sofie. Bye."

"…uh…Yeah. Bye bye, Gohan." He could just hear the miffedness in her voice and it made him almost smile. Almost.

'Well.' He cracked an eye and held up the orange bottle still in his hand. 'Might as well see if this crap works.'

-------------------------------------------

The next day, Gohan was in a foul mood. Whatever this stuff was that the doctor gave him, it didn't do shit! It did a little to help dull the ache, but the itch was still there and his body metabolized the medicine way too fast. It did nothing to numb him like the other stuff did. Nothing! Everything was crystal clear and way too real. He found he preferred the abstract to reality. He actually had to deal with shit. He actually had to care. He didn't want to care. He wanted to not give a shit. He liked not giving a shit.

He was just plain pissed off.

When he realized that he was going to have to force a shirt on, he got even more pissed.

He set to the task with a large pair of scissors and an older, button up, Hawaiian shirt that he never really liked. A gift from Videl some time ago. He'd had to keep it because it was from her. He took perverse pleasure in slicing it up so that it would settle some people's ideas of decency. Again, he didn't bother with his hair. Sunglasses in place, he ventured out into the daylight world of office hours and false lighting.

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He sat at his desk, staring at the pile of papers. He didn't want to touch it. He didn't want to hear anymore of his coworker's cheerful voices. He didn't want to be here. He wanted to be home, curled up in his big, soft, recliner and _not_ thinking. He didn't want to be working on, correcting, filing, or redoing all his coworkers' work. How could people so inept ever have gotten jobs working in accounts and finances?! All he saw when one of them would stick their noses into his little cubicle was absolute incompetence.

There was no helping it, though. Gohan took out his new prescription and tipped a couple pills into his hand, washing them down with a small cup of water that he had at his desk. Just then, a young girl stuck her head in to see him.

"Hi. I'm new here. I thought I'd come by and meet you. I figure, everyone is always saying such nice stuff about this Gohan, I should see for myself." She smiled prettily, her blond hair hanging in shining shoulder length curls. "My name's Lian."

Gohan, having been caught half swallowing, spluttered a tiny bit but managed to get the liquid down _before_ trying to reply. He tried to remember his manners…but he just didn't have it in him. He just leaned back tiredly and gave her as much of a smile as he could, which wasn't much of one. "Oh. Hi, Lian."

She leaned in a little further, taking in the pill bottle and the huge cast and looking sympathetic. "Aw. Does it hurt very much? It looks terrible."

Gohan glanced down at the clutter on his desk and sighed. "Not as much as this." He gestured to the pile of papers and work orders.

Lian giggled appreciatively. "I know. Isn't it awful? Hey! Since I bet you're gonna have a real bitchy time filing this stuff with only one hand, how about you gimme a call when you're done and I'll help you?"

She then proceeded to write down her phone number on one of Gohan's sticky notepads. "They gave me a phone, but I can never remember the extension." She explained happily. "K? I'll see you later, Gohan." And she was on her merry way.

Strangely, her cheerful attitude didn't repel him like the rest of his coworkers. She actually seemed to be genuinely happy. It didn't serve to brighten his mood, but it helped him to actually move toward the pile. He had to deal with this sometime. Might as well get it over with.

Later that day, he was half done with the work and he was hating life. Office work was one thing. Office work with one hand for typing, rifling through papers and files and folders was something completely different. On top of that, the florescent lights hurt his eyes after so long in the dark and he had a major headache. He was seeking solace with his head cradled on his arm on his desk when a revolting voice brought him out of the dark again.

"Um…Gohan?"

"What is it, Sofie?" He grumbled.

"Gohan, there's a young man out here that…needs some assistance." She said hesitantly.

Gohan had little patience left to be polite. "What does it have to do with me, Sofie?" He asked, his voice still muffled by the thin desk.

"Well…none of us know just how to find what he wants. He doesn't seem to have filed his paperwork right."

Gohan growled and leaned up to squint at the slightly plump, older brunette. "Fine." He sighed and got up, pushing past her and out to the finance help desk.

The epitome of a college football jock stood on the other side of the finance desk. "'Bout time somebody got here! You people don't seem to know anything! Do you know anything, dude? 'Cause I'm tired of talking to people who can't get their heads out of their asses!" The jock glared at Sofie.

Gohan did not need this. He didn't need this at all. "I guess we'll just have to see." He replied, his eyes narrowing. "What do you need?"

The jock pointed rudely at Sofie. "I just told her what I need and she isn't doing anything."

The demi's stress level rose about three points. "Well that's nice, but why don't you tell me now?"

The jock rolled his eyes and shook his head. "My grant didn't go through. How the hell am I supposed to stay on the team if my fuckin grant don't go through and I get dropped because one of you idiots didn't pay the bill?"

Now it was Gohan's turn to roll his eyes and the motion made his headache even worse. "Where's your grant letter?"

"What?" The jock looked at him blankly.

"Your grant letter." He repeated. "The letter that has the name of your lender and your grant number on it. All the information that we need is on that letter."

The six foot three inch tall football player began to get frustrated. "I already gave you all that stuff! How the hell should I know where it is? I already gave you guys everything you asked for and it didn't go through."

Gohan shook his own head. "Ok. How about this. What's your social security number. Maybe I can look it up that way."

"My what? I don't know, man!"

Gohan leaned on the desk tiredly and rubbed his eyes. He couldn't keep the weary sarcasm from his voice. "You don't know your social security number." He took a deep breath. "Ok. You don't have proof of your lender, you don't know your grant number, you don't know your social…what is it that you want me to do again? Because I've got nothing so far. How about this, do you know your name?"

The jock glared angrily at him. "Rick Johnson." He said simply.

Gohan grunted, losing all expression. "Do you know how many Johnsons there are on this college's sports teams? More than they need, obviously. Why don't you go home and find your grant letter and ask your mom to write down your social for you and see if you've got a middle name mixed in there somewhere and then come back and we'll see what we can do. Otherwise, I suggest that you resign yourself to a career at Burger King because that's about all you're going to amount to at this rate, kid."

The next thing he knew, there was a fist gripped on his shirt and dragging him halfway over the desk.

"Watch your mouth, shrimp, or I'll fucking break your other arm!"

The twist of Gohan's intestines, which had been tightening all day, finally cinched up another notch and he snarled angrily. His good hand planted on the desk and his legs swung up instinctively until he crouched on the surface and looked directly into Rick's blue eyes and tanned face. His good arm then fisted in the Rick's t-shirt, mirroring him. The demi's voice was a calm growl that conveyed all the frustration he'd been under already today and a bleak resignation that said that he expected no less from Rick, but that he'd carry out his threat with much difficulty.

"I've had a very bad day today following on a week that hasn't been all that good either. In fact, I've just been in a pretty permanent pissass mood for a while now. So I suggest that you do us all a favor and fucking go home before I lose it! Because I'm pretty fucking close to kicking your ass right off the football teem and into the special Olympics for the physically impaired!"

Rick's eyes widened. He wasn't used to being stood up to. He was used to being able to throw his weight around, but the look on this little guy's face and the sound of his voice made him want to back off. That didn't happen often. He let go and pulled back and was surprised when Gohan's fingers slipped easily from his shirt. He became suddenly much more reasonable.

"Look, man. I need that grant. That's all. I gotta have it by the end of the week or my coach is gonna have my head."

Gohan stayed crouched on the desk, his eyes smoldering, but his voice held a lecturing tone. "Then go get that letter. If you have to, have them fax it to this office. Come back when you've got it and we'll see what we can do." Gohan picked up a card with the office phone and fax numbers on it from a card holder on the desk and handed it to the jock. He locked eyes with Rick momentarily. "And leave your attitude at home because I won't put up with your shit one more time. I've got enough of it to deal with already."

Rick took the card and left quickly. "Uh, yeah. See ya."

Gohan stayed where he was for a minute, just breathing. Finally he turned and slid off the desk with a sigh, all his energy leaving him after that little performance. Sofie was staring at him with wide eyes. He glared at her. "Why don't you go…see what happened to Rick Johnson's paperwork?" He almost said something very rude but managed to control himself. "I'm done for today. I'm going home." He stated roughly and turned on his heel, stalking back to his cubicle. He grabbed his little orange bottle turned to leave.

"Not a good day, huh?" There was Lian. "I heard you in the front lobby. Rick's always like that. It's cool that you can talk back to him. I wouldn't have thought you were the type."

Gohan took a deep calming breath. "I'm not the type."

She looked around the cubicle thoughtfully. "I wouldn't think you were the type for this place either, from looking at you."

Gohan gave his lopsided shrug and moved to scoot past her. "Been a rough few weeks. Excuse me, I'm leaving for the day." He paused as he was about to round the corner. "Nice to meet you, Lian."

He would have liked to think of it differently, but he knew better. Gohan fled. He fled as fast and swiftly as he could from that office and those people to the secure solitude and safety of his nice dark hole. His head throbbed and so did his shoulder. His back was tense and his stomach felt sick. All he wanted was to get back home and disappear. Make it all stop. As soon as he rattled the door open, he had it closed and his back pressed against it. Make it stop. That's all he wanted. Before he even realized it, he was in his bathroom holding the bottle with what was left of his old prescription. He popped the lid open and gazed sadly at the contents. There were four full pills and one half. He carefully tipped them out and separated the half and one whole, putting the other three back and closing the bottle. He drank down the pills and slumped into his chair, not even bothering with the tv. He just brooded.

He couldn't believe that he'd gotten so mad at that guy earlier. He'd obviously scared Sofie. She'd be talking about him for weeks. But at least he was out of there. Slowly, oh so slowly, he began to relax and the tension in his body began to fade. Soon he was dozing contentedly, half awake, his eyes cracked open just enough for the scene of the dark living room to be implanted into the dream that was forming. It wasn't a pleasant feeling that began to steal over him. No. In fact, it was an all too familiar feeling of nervous anticipation as if there were something in the dark room with him. Something that he didn't want there. Realization dawned on his sleepy mind just as a black figure shifted in the shadows at the far end of the room. He watched as an arm broke away from the darkness, lifting clawlike fingers toward him, then a foot moved slowly out of the black. 'Oh Kami, it's coming for me…' A sound echoed through the room like a breathy sigh and Gohan jerked upright with a gasp, his eyes opening wide.

There…was nothing there. The room was empty. He reached over to the wall and flicked on the light. Nothing. 'Just a dream. That's all.' Suddenly he wanted so badly to be outside where it was open and clear and cool and he could breathe fresh air. He didn't hesitate until after he was out the door and then, he didn't hesitate long, opting to just pick a direction and walk. That last nightmare had so unnerved him because it seemed like he was actually seeing it. He hadn't realized he'd dozed off. He thought it had really been _right there_.

One nice thing about getting his apartment in the middle of town was that he was within walking distance of everything. School, work, the hospital, and a quiet little tree-filled park in between them all. He went to the park, walking slowly over the thick, sun dappled grass. It was a nice, sheltered little place with a playground at one end and just trees and benches spread over the rest. Gohan walked until he found a quiet, relatively secluded spot and sat down against a tree in the lush grass. He felt much much better and even managed a contented sigh. Sitting there, he watched the random people in the park, jogging, playing, talking, watching their children play. It was very peaceful. He smiled to himself as the sun began to fall. It really wasn't so bad, was it? He just had to look at it the right way. Life had to get back to normal sometime, right? He wished that the doctor would have filled his prescription again, but it wasn't the end of the world, right? Still, Gohan wasn't sure just how he'd survive another day if this first one was already so bad.

But he was ok now. He felt good right now. That was all that mattered. Right now, he could deal with everything.

-

-


	6. Imitation Of Life

**Mistress Of Insomnia**  
Here is yet another chapter…..17 pages worth!! I had to make it longer so that I could get past the plot advancement and into some actual angst and action. Which should come into play in the next chapter. I still don't know where this fic is going, but this is where it gets juicy. And so…with no further ado, enjoy the character expansion and the setup for what is to come. Is it just a phase? We'll see.  
**Yet Another Sleepless Night Of Inspiration**

-

**Breaking Benjamin  
"Phase"**  
  
the light is dead in your eye  
so I'll keep livin my life  
I only wanted to try  
to find my way back inside  
my imitation of life  
my litigation of life  
it's something easy to find  
inside the shade of your eye  
  
out of the ground I rise to grace  
nobody knows it's just a phase  
help me I'm out of breath again  
nobody knows somewhere to make it go away  
phase  
phase  
phase

I find it hard to decide  
the way to make up your mind  
your lips are better than mine  
so you can kiss this goodbye  
my imitation of life  
my litigation of life  
it's something easy to find  
inside the shade of your eye

out of the ground I rise to grace  
nobody knows it's just a phase  
help me I'm out of breath again  
nobody knows somewhere to make it go away  
phase  
phase  
phase

it's just a phase  
and I can't wait  
phase _[x 3]_  
I know _[x 3]_  
it's just a fucking phase 

-

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Still, Gohan wasn't sure just how he'd survive another day if this first one was already so bad.

But he was ok now. He felt good right now. That was all that mattered. Right now, he could deal with everything.  
-----------------------------------------

-

**Warnings** – Some language, a little more suggestion toward drug abuse, and this chapter covers about three days worth of material in dear Gohan's life.

-

**Imitation Of Life**

Gohan dragged himself from his mattress and the odd angle he had somehow contorted into during the night. Sometime in sleep, he had rolled and hadn't felt the pain of his cast biting into his flesh. He rubbed the red mark on his chest where the edge had pressed and some crumbs of loose plaster flaked away where the thing had begun to crack, he ignored them. The constraints on his arm and shoulder had become a nuisance long ago and he really didn't mind if the thing broke off. It's not like you could keep something like a cast on a Saiyan or even a demi Saiyan. It just didn't work, they were too reckless and too strong for something so flimsy to last long.

Gohan stumbled into the bathroom and decided that he was gonna take a fucking shower, cast or no cast! He turned on the water and stepped in as steam began to take over the room. Still mindful, he kept his left side out of the water as well as he could, but it felt so good to have hot water pouring over his skin. He sighed contentedly and just stood there until he realized he was going to be late for work. Even then, he took his time, drying slowly and eyeing his reflection in the mirror once he got out. He scrubbed the towel through his hair twice and tossed it away, not bothering more with the unruly spikes. Then he picked up his near empty pill bottle and popped it open.

By Kami, this day would _not_ be as bad as the last! He took two of the remaining three pills and swallowed them down without much thought at all.

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He stared at the computer screen tiredly, his bleary, watery eyes looking unfocused as he slowly typed with his right hand. He heard his name called twice and finally, slowly turned to look at his addressor when he remembered that that was what you were supposed to do when someone calls you. She smiled at him curiously and he smiled back. "Good morning, Lian."

She shook her head and laughed softly. "Afternoon, Gohan. It's afternoon now. Having a better day today? You're smiling."

Gohan nodded and chuckled. "Oh, I'm just dandy. I wish Sofie would stop answering her phone that way, though. Her voice makes me want to punch through this wall and stick a pencil up her nose." He replied relatively good naturedly, though he meant every word.

Lian laughed louder, her golden curls shaking and glinting under the artificial lights, drawing Gohan's large eyes. He watched how they bounced and swung and wondered if her hair was as soft as it looked. She dragged his attention back to her face when she spoke.

"I went ahead and filed the stuff you finished yesterday after you left." She informed him cheerfully. "I only took what was obviously all done."

This surprised Gohan. "You did?" He looked around as if he might find some trace of what she just told him. He stuck his good arm behind his head in an automatic reaction. "Heh, heh, thanks. I didn't even notice. The pile _is_ smaller though. Thanks a lot."

Lian shrugged. "You sure are in a much better mood today. I almost feel bad telling you that I saw Rick around. I think he's gonna come looking for you again."

Gohan rolled his dilated eyes and waved his hand dismissively. "Eh, whatever. The jock can shove it up his ass if he really wants to."

Lian laughed again. "Yeah. He can." She looked at Gohan appraisingly. "I still have a hard time picturing you here doing this sort of stuff. You just don't seem like the type for all this anal retentive, stiff, perfectionist kinda crap."

Gohan sighed and looked at the files that he had scattered around. "Yeah, well. Unfortunately, it's exactly me. You can call me Uber Nerd The Anal Retentive." He snickered at himself rather wryly. "Or UNTAR for short. What do you think? I think it's kinda catchy."

Lian shook her head as she giggled. "No way. Nah. You don't look like an Untar to me."

She stepped into the little cubicle and gazed at him thoughtfully for a few moments. It gave Gohan a chance to catch her scent which was very muted and natural. He thought that she was rather pretty, prettier than Videl. And there was something about her, something in her scent and her stance that appealed to him. How she seemed to just let everything slide off of her. She didn't seem like she worried about anything. He envied that.

"I think you look like an Angel." She stated happily. "Bright and strong and innocent…but also dark and brooding with the weight of the heavens on your shoulders and no free will. You exist to do the bidding of a greater power whether you want to or not."

Gohan blinked and stared at her, not sure what to say. She leaned down to look into his startled eyes and smiled sweetly, as if she wasn't even aware of the insightful and deep thing that she had just said. "I like you, Angel. I think I'll call you that from now on. It suits you better." She giggled again at his confusion and patted his cheek softly. "I'm glad you found a way to relax, tension like that will kill you someday. Let me know when you need me to file some of this stuff. I get pretty bored just answering the phone. K?"

Then she left and Gohan sat there completely perplexed, trying to figure out what had just taken place and what she had meant. His first instinct was to get mad and indignant. What did she know about anything?! Nothing, that's what! But then the anger bled away and he sighed, closing his eyes. She was a strange one, that was for sure. Pretty, but strange. Finally he laughed and rubbed his hand over his face tiredly. "I sure hope I'm not that easy to read." He said softly to himself and shook his head, getting back to work. Though ever so often he chuckled absently to himself again as he tried to concentrate.

This day was leagues better than the last and for that Gohan was ultimately grateful. And the medication didn't really inhibit his work. If anything, it made things feel more clear, though he found his mind wandering more often than not as time slid past without his notice. He reached down for another folder and found only bare desk. Glancing down in confused surprise, he looked around and found a messy, haphazardly stacked pile of papers and folders on his left, all finished. Gohan looked at it thoughtfully, his brow creasing, and then leaned back in his chair.

"Huh…" He smiled and rocked back in his chair, setting his feet on his desk. "Whaddaya know? Done. That's cool." He yawned and relaxed, staring up at the ceiling.

Suddenly his eyelids drooped and hung heavy now that he had nothing to concentrate on. If work was like this everyday, he wouldn't mind it at all. He couldn't even remember any of the accounts he just worked through. It was like a blank slate that he knew was done and he didn't have to ever look at again. He stared up at the white tile ceiling and the florescent lights imbedded into it. He imagined that he could see the light rays shining down through the bumpy plastic, imagined that he could feel it where it hit him. It was warm and comforting and so peaceful. Peaceful white light. It seemed to make all the voices and noise around him fade out, blocked away from his hallowed little spot. So…very…nice… But of course, it couldn't last forever.

"Gohan?"

Slowly, Gohan turned his head and looked sleepily at Sofie who stood at the doorway of his cubicle. "Mmmm…yes, Sofie?"

She pursed her lips at him, eyeing the way he was stretched out as if taking a nap, but she didn't say anything about it. "Gohan…" Then her eyes widened and she reached out a hand toward him in alarm.

"Hmm?" Gohan murmured, still looking at her blankly. Then the world suddenly turned sideways and he more heard himself grunt rather than felt the impact. He blinked slowly and looked down at himself…or rather, up. It took him a few seconds, but when his brain caught up, he started to laugh softly.

"Gohan, are you alright?!" Sofie's voice actually sounded worried.

The demi slowly rolled off of his fallen chair and climbed unsteadily to his feet, using the desk for balance. Now that he was on his feet, he suddenly felt the true effects of the meds. He closed his eyes and waited for the numbness to fade and his blood to catch up with the movement. "Sure, Sofie. I'm fine. Sorry about that. This cast weighs a ton. I forgot about it for a minute there." He opened his eyes and smiled sweetly at her. She had actually been worried for a moment. That was…nice. "You need me for something?"

Sofie gathered her wits again and nodded. "Yes…that boy from yesterday is here. I thought… Are you sure you are alright, Gohan, dear?"

Gohan nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine. Didn't even feel it. That jock is back, huh? Ok, Sofie. I'll save you. Don't worry." He chuckled at his little joke, sure, he'd save Sofie from the big bad college student (even if he couldn't save her from anything else), and stepped past her. The dizziness had almost faded away now. Absently he scratched at the cast and felt through his shirt that the crack had grown. Oh well.

"Thank you, Gohan…" Sofie called after him. "Now…you be more careful, hear? We just got you back. Can't let you get hospitalized again."

Gohan didn't hear her, his mind was already elsewhere. He felt a mischievous urge rise up inside him and smirked. So, Rick was back for more, huh? Like hell was he gonna let the kid get away with as much as yesterday. He was actually mildly surprised that he was looking forward to seeing what the jock would do today.

Sure enough, there was Rick pacing back and forth in front of the help desk. Gohan stepped fluidly up to the counter and leaned casually on his good arm. "May I help you?" He asked, as if meeting the guy for the first time.

The jock grimaced when he saw Gohan but stepped up and dropped some papers in front of Gohan. "Here. Get this over with already, will ya?"

Gohan looked down at the papers slowly and then back up at Rick. "And what is it that you'd like me to do?"

The jock glared. "Fix my scholarship!"

Gohan shook his head helplessly. "I'm sorry, sir, but you have to do that yourself. I can't do your homework for you."

Rick's features went slack as he tried to figure out what the hell Gohan was talking about. "No, fix my scholarship grant. Come on, man. I have to have it done!"

"Aaah." Gohan nodded in understanding and then looked at him blankly. "Do you have your grant letter?"

The jock stared at him and then gestured impatiently at the papers. "Yeah, it's right there."

Gohan looked down as if seeing them for the first time. "Oh, good." He picked at the stack, looking for what he would need. After a moment, he put the papers down again. "Nope. Sorry. It's not here."

The jock stared again, his brow dipping angrily. "What do you mean it's not there?!" He snatched up the letters and shuffled through them. "Here! It's right here!"

Gohan shook his head, a completely neutral and bored expression on his face. "Nope, sorry." He pointed to the page. "This is your eligibility letter. It doesn't say anything about your grant or your grant number.

Rick was now breathing harshly through his nose. 'Poor guy has such a short fuse.' Gohan thought amusedly.

"This is all I could fuckin find, man! You've got the name of the shitfaced-lender there! Can't you just fucking find it??!"

Gohan let his eyes widen and stepped back from the counter, looking at Rick reproachfully. "I refuse to help you if you insist on using language like that. I'm fucking sensitive, you know!" He exclaimed, sarcastically aghast. He had to work so hard to keep his laughter from showing and he thought he was doing rather well.

Rick again stared at him, seemingly at a loss as to what to do or how to respond. He finally took a deep breath, visibly trying to calm down. "Sorry, man. I'm just a little pissed, ok?"

Gohan nodded sagely, surprised that the jock gave in so quick. He must have made quite an impression on Rick yesterday. "Alright. Do you know your social security number?"

Rick shook his head, but began sifting through his pockets. Gohan ignored it, though. He stared in mock disbelief. "You don't know your social??"

Rick glared at him and growled. "We went over this yesterday, dude!" He finally gave up and threw his hands up in the air. "I had it! I had it written down, damn it!!"

Gohan carefully stayed neutral again. "Ah, I see. Such ingenuity. I'm impressed. But it didn't quite work, did it?"

The jock looked like he was about to tear out his hair now. "Damn it! I don't know what it is and I don't know where my grant letter is! Can't you look it up??"

Gohan shook his head sadly, mimicking Sofie's fake sympathetic tone. "I'm sorry, dear, but you're shit out of luck."

At first Rick looked like he was going to start yelling, then, after a tense moment, his shoulders slumped and he just stared helplessly at the ground. He stayed that way, seemingly unable to think of anything more to do. Gohan decided to take mercy on him. He'd had enough fun. He allowed a small pitying smile to rise and sighed, shaking his head.

"Alright, Rick. Is your mom home?" Gohan asked patiently.

The jock shook his head mornfully. "My mom's not around anymore and my dad doesn't know shit about this kinda stuff."

Gohan paused thinking that that explained plenty. No wonder Rick was an asshole. He was raised by another asshole with no mom around. 'What do you expect from a broken home?' He thought wryly, remembering his own childhood. Alright. So maybe he suddenly was willing to take more than just a little pity on the guy.

Gohan sighed and rolled his eyes as if this was taking all together too much effort on his part. "Come on, Rick. Come back here, I'll see what I can swing. But you better keep your mouth shut or you really will be shit out of luck."

Rick's defeated body language didn't change at all, though he followed Gohan into the office section of the building. Gohan led him to a small office and ordered him into a seat a next to the desk and sat at the computer. "Ok…did you manage to come up with a middle name yet?"

About a forty minutes later, Gohan leaned back in his chair and rubbed his eyes, yawning wide. He had a phone cradled between his ear and his shoulder and wore a very bored, slightly annoyed grimace. Rick had his head hopelessly cradled on his arms on the computer desk.

"Is that so?" Gohan spoke into the telephone. "Well, in that case, would you mind faxing it out for our records? Thank you, that would help immensely." He quickly wrote down something on a piece of paper and thanked the person again before hanging up the phone. He then turned to the computer again and began his slow, single handed typing. A few minutes later the fax next to him started working and he pulled out the paper that appeared and continued typing. Ten minutes later he yawned and leaned back to stare at the football player who was fast asleep, head still on his arms which were still crossed on the desk. It was a comfortable silence only barely disturbed by the young man's deep breathing. The room was abnormally warm. Usually the air conditioning was on high and the place stayed chilly all the time. Gohan absently wondered if it was because of the jock because he looked so very warm in that letterman jacket. It was a nice looking jacket. The demi wondered what life might have been like if he'd gone for some sort of sport's scholarship and had his own jacket like that. He couldn't have gone for football, he was built too trimly for that even if he could out do anyone on the field. What would things have been like if he had friends and teammates like Rick here, always out partying and dating and...and...doing whatever it was that jocks do... Would things have been better? Would he be...more like what everyone wanted him to be? Well...everyone but mom... Jocks always seemed happy. Happy or mad. Maybe he should have done something like that instead of going for a teaching career. The path he had chosen sure entailed a lot of shit with it. A really simple and straightforward physical career would have been so much easier. But…again, he couldn't do that. He was too good at it. He couldn't ever let anyone know that, right? Couldn't risk his secret being known. That really sucked. That he had to hide who he was forever. His dad never hid unless people made him. His dad knew who he was. Gohan slumped a little, feeling the weight of the cast on his shoulder. Suddenly he hated that weight. He couldn't stand it. And the itch under it. That itch that he'd been trying to ignore for weeks. It was always there, driving him nuts, mocking him. It knew. It knew he couldn't reach it…just like he couldn't reach so much. He couldn't reach… He couldn't show. Always hiding. Like his tail, hidden so uncomfortably under his pants, it twitched against his thigh where it was wrapped creating another itch. He was always what someone else wanted. Everyone else seemed to know who he was.  
Everyone but him. He had no idea who he was. Even some girl who had known him for 2 days knew more about him that he did.

He didn't like that train of thought. Time to distract himself. "Oy." Gohan poked Rick with a pencil.

Rick jerked awake and straightened, rubbing his arm. "Jeez! What'd ya do that for?!"

Gohan eyed him sourly. "All finished. Now go away. I'm tired of looking at you."

Rick glanced at the clock and then at Gohan in confusion. His eyes were drawn to the paper on the desk and the grant letter that the lender had faxed only moments ago. "You… You got it??"

Gohan huffed impatiently. "What did I just say?"

Rick grinned and hooted and jumped up, snagging Gohan into a rough hug. "Yeah!" Gohan, who had been completely unprepared for such an outburst, almost fell off his chair when Rick let him go again. "Cool, man! So…I can play now?"

Gohan righted himself and couldn't keep the amused smirk off his lips. "You can play to your little jock brain's content."

Rick grinned. It was the first time that Gohan had seen him smile and he was struck by how much better the man looked that way rather than with that bastard scowl. Rick ignored what Gohan said. He almost seemed to float now that this had been lifted from his shoulders. "Thanks, man, I owe you one."

Gohan got up and led Rick back to the lobby. At the counter, Rick caught Gohan around his shoulders again and squeezed lightly. 'Jeez, jocks sure are touchy feely.' The demi thought absently, wanting to shrug him off, but he ignored it. The guy obviously had just had his dream come true, to play football for free. What simple dreams… He still felt a tiny dark cloud in his mind from his previous thoughts, but that was already far away. Now that Rick wasn't being a depressive or violent ass, his presence was actually kind of pleasant. Gohan looked up at him and raised an eyebrow. "If you're done fawning over me, you can go away now." He said good naturedly.

Rick nodded and let go, moving to the other side of the desk. Before Gohan turned away, Rick raised his hand and slapped it on the counter. "Hey, man. You're okay. Kind of an asshole, but you're ok. Hey…tell me…how'd you get that thing? I've been wondering about it since yesterday." He pointed to the cast.

Gohan was so amused by being called an "ok asshole" that he didn't even think twice about answering. "Someone tried to kill me." He said automatically, still feeling too good to let himself think too deeply about darker things. "But I gave a hell of a lot better than I got." He smirked again and Rick's brow creased in surprise as the jock laughed.

"You know…I believe it, man." Then Rick left and Gohan started back to his cubicle.

In the hall, the demi slowly came to a stop. He only just realized what he had said to Rick. What he'd said about what had happened. Self-consciously he touched his shoulder and the itch beneath seemed to get three times worse. Kami, how he hated that itch! That kid had tried to kill him…and he'd given a hell of a lot better than he got… It was true. He'd given better than he got. Yeah. …Yeah. Gohan raised his head again and mixed emotions slowly faded from his troubled eyes leaving…leaving…for the first time in so very very long…in years perhaps…self assurance? Satisfaction? Yeah… For the first time in as long as he could remember he felt a small sense of confidence and certainty. It felt good and he latched onto it for dear life. Yeah. He gave better than he got. Why not? Why shouldn't he have?

Suddenly two hands gripped his good arm and squeezed. He looked slowly to his right and found Lian smiling prettily up at him.

"Now now, not getting gloomy again, are we, Angel? It doesn't suit you." She said cheerfully.

Gohan couldn't hold back a smile and shook his head. "Nah. Just thinking. I'm good." He thought about it a little more. "I'm doin' much better."

Lian nodded and her eyes held a strange understanding that left Gohan feeling as if he were missing something, but she pulled him toward his cubicle and he was given no time to question it. "So! You got stuff for me to do? It's almost closing time. Better do it quick so we can go home!"

"You're sure persistent, aren't you?" Gohan observed quietly.

She began to pull his pile of papers into some order and grinned. "Yeah. I'm rather obsessive compulsive on a good day. Just pray you don't ever see me on a bad day."

Gohan had to admit that the work went a lot faster with her help than it would have on his own. He had a hard enough time getting the papers into the folders straight without getting the folders into the file cabinets. She wasn't bad company either. She was always moving, always chattering about something or other, she never stopped except to take a breath and see if he was still there. It was amusing watching her flit around like a hyperactive humming bird while he was so still and settled and slow. He could have just watched her all day. She even made him forget about the creature that had crawled beneath the flesh of his shoulder all day. Finally, she came over to him where he sat by a filing cabinet and closed the drawer as he put the last file away.

"That's it! All done! Yay!" She never stopped smiling all this time. "After spending so much time with you, Angel, I'm sure that I was right. You've got godlike patience to put up with me for so long. I think that I'll grant you a break now. It's time to go."

Gohan glanced over at the clock and, sure enough, it said 4:55. Definitely time to go. He stood up slowly. He was beginning to feel kind of heavy and low again. His meds were finally wearing off. That was another thing about this medication. Unlike the new prescription that only lasted an hour or two, this stuff lingered in his system. That was probably the only reason he had any left. That was a sad thought. He had only one dose left.

He looked at Lian and gave a small, tired smile. "I don't mind your company, Lian. You're a nice girl and much better company than anyone else around here."

She raised her chin imperiously. "Oh, there you go again, Mr. Gloomy." She smiled again and moved to get her purse and jacket. It was a baggy, beat up, brown suede jacket that looked strange over her pale, clean, tidy clothing. "Go on home, Angel. You look like you need some rest. I'll see you tomorrow. K?"

Gohan waved as she whisked out the door. She was a strange one, alright. He didn't know what to think of her still. It never occurred to him until after she was gone to say anything about the "Angel" thing. He thought about it and decided that it didn't really matter. It was different and kind of funny. He didn't mind if she felt like giving him a nickname. He'd never had one before. It was kind of...novel. He shrugged it away and headed home too.

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At home, Gohan didn't bother to turn on the lights. In fact, he was already struggling out of his shirt before he ever even got inside. He kicked the door closed and tossed the ruined button-up on the floor then started to struggle with the button of his jeans. As soon as they were undone, he dragged his tail out and let it swing in the open air with a sigh. The delicate muscles at the base had begun to cramp from being so restricted for so long and he just couldn't stand it anymore. He kicked off his shoes and then his pants, leaving them in a pile on the ground. Automatically, his boxerclad legs took him to the bathroom and he picked up the near empty bottle and tipped out the last pill. He stared at it forlornly and almost put it back, but just before it fell into the bottle, he changed his mind and set it on his tongue. He filled a glass with tap water and washed it down, looking at himself in the mirror with a guilty expression.

"I know, I know." He told his reflection. "I don't care."

His mood wasn't so bright and carefree anymore. He felt…annoyed. Annoyed at nothing and everything. And it was all his own fault. All Saiyaman's fault. What the hell had gotten into his head to create such an idiotic thing? A superhero? Ha! It had been a joke to everyone except him and the "bad guys" he annoyed. Foolish. Just plain stupid. He went to the bedroom and opened the top drawer of the dresser. There sat the watch that contained all of Saiyaman's secrets. He picked it up disgustedly as if it were some old, filthy rag. This was the source of so many of his problems right now…but then again, _he_ did it so it wasn't really. _He_ was the whole reason for all his problems. No one else. It was all his fault. Carefully, he opened up the watch face and found a tiny button there. He pushed it and what happened shocked him so much that he leaped back, slamming hard into the wall.

His Saiyaman outfit appeared, just as he knew it would, freed from the confines of the watch. The release button that ejected it still worked. Gohan hadn't used that button in a long time. Never needed to. He hardly wore the costume enough to need to clean it. It wasn't like he ever broke a sweat in it before. But…he'd forgotten…

The sharp stink of fresh blood flooded the room like a physical presence as the uniform and helmet fell to the ground. Gohan flung the watch away as if it had stung him. Blood. So much blood! It had kept fresh inside the capsule-watch with no air to decay it. His entire uniform was drenched in the sticky substance by now and it brought back that instant in the pharmacy as if it were happening all over again. Life-sized and in living-color. Gohan cried out as the muscles in his shoulder cramped up in remembrance of the ordeal. He sank to his knees against the wall, clutching at the cast and the flesh crawling beneath it. The room stank so badly of copper and salt and life fluid that Gohan felt like he couldn't breathe. Gasping, he raised his right hand and ki flared to existence, hot and unfeeling. He sent the energy to envelope the bloody cloth and the sizzling pop of burning blood made his stomach flip dangerously. Finally all that was left was a charred bit of carpet and the smell of carbon in the air.

Gohan stayed against the wall, fingering the cast. Slowly wild rage began to take over his features and his fingers slid into the crack that had grown larger and more prominent all day. They sank in and curled like claws as he tore it wider. Plaster crumbled to dust under his strong hand as he continued to rip and tear at the hard material. A hiss of pain would push past his lips here and there, but it did not change the determined, angry look in his eyes. Soon the remains of the cast lay scattered on the ground around him and his fingers traced the thick red lines that traversed his pale skin. The surgical cuts were healed already, he had healed fast they said. Now the new skin was red like some demented marker-drawn road map on his body. One scar traveled over his collar bone from his neck to the outside of his shoulder and partially down his bicep. There was another line that led down the back of his shoulder. But the largest scar was just short of his shoulder and interrupted both surgical scars. It was round and ugly and indented into the flesh where it hadn't healed as completely as the rest, even though a layer of skin had grown to cover the hole. The path of the bullet through bone and flesh and out the other side. It _had_ entered at an angle just as the orderly said. It entered near his shoulder, but it exited three inches below his shoulder and four inches to the left of his spine. Gohan wondered only half interestedly how the bullet had missed the first of his ribs. That explained why his neck had been so stiff since it happened. The bullet had torn right through all the muscles on that side of his back.

Now that his arm was free, he tried to move it and found it tight and unwieldy. It didn't want to lower from where the cast had held it. Slowly, so slowly, he coaxed the muscles to stretch so that he could half lower it. With a sigh Gohan looked away from his ruined shoulder and over to the charred carpet. Nearby sat his helmet with bloody handprints on its pristine, white surface. He crawled over to it, looking at his own hand prints. Absently and with no real reason, he reached out and poked it like a glum kitten, remembering all too well that tile room and the pain and…

The helmet rolled and a clear plastic bottle with a white lid tipped out of it.

Gohan blinked and tilted his head to look questioningly at the container that rattled onto his carpet. He just stared at it for a minute then slowly reached out and picked it up, turning the bottle so that he could read the white label. He wasn't sure what the name meant, but it sounded familiar. He shook it as if he still couldn't believe it was real. It rattled suggestively at him. Still holding the bottle, Gohan leaned even further until his head brushed the carpet and he could see inside the dark opening of his helmet. There were…two more bottles inside. He merely stayed there, looking at the pills, not blinking, not breathing, trying to absorb what this meant.

He remembered when all those bottles had come raining down on his head….his helmet rolling across the floor as they did. He…had done what those little punks hadn't been able to do. He'd stolen from the pharmacy.

'Don't be stupid!' That little voice growled at him. 'You didn't even know they were there.' Slowly he reached out his good hand and took the other bottles from inside the helmet. They were all much larger than the bottles he had been prescribed. They each contained at least five hundred tablets. Still laying half on the ground, he lined the three bottles up in front of him and just looked at them.

'I should give them back.' He thought.  
'I can't…they'll get suspicious. I don't need any more trouble.'  
'They probably don't even know that these are gone.' He rationalized. 'It's been a month now anyway. They've replaced anything that was missing or contaminated by now. It would just complicate things to give these back. They probably wouldn't even take them back. They'd destroy them incase they'd been tampered with.'  
'No sense in wasting it.' He abruptly laughed out loud at himself for that thought. "Heh, waste not, want not, right?" He said to no one in particular.

He sat up, gathered up the bottles, and stood slowly so as not to fall again. The last pill he took earlier had begun to kick in and he knew better than to move too fast when his heart had slowed down so much from laying so still. He went to his bathroom and set the bottles on the counter, picking up his old prescription. He put the empty container next to the first large bottle to compare names. Just as he thought. They were similar…but not the same. None of them had the same name as his second prescription which he had stuck into the medicine cabinet behind the mirror and left untouched.

The other two bottles were unknown to him, but then he had never been around people who were ever on much medication anyway so that was no surprise. He looked at the bottles, not really thinking about anything, just looking blankly. Then he went back to his comfy chair and dropped into it. His left arm was still very stiff so he reached over and grabbed a tall tv tray, knocking the junk off of it, and pulled it close so that he could rest his arm on it. It was the perfect height so as not to strain the muscles anymore. Gohan clicked on the tv and leaned the chair back, and for first time in weeks was able to find a comfortable position.

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It was some hours later when the demi awoke to a tight, twisting sensation and the sound of static on the tv. In the dark he groaned and curled up onto himself, the cramping of his stomach pulling him into bright consciousness. He reached for his middle with both hands, only barely registering the tight pull on his left arm. His stomach felt like it had decided to eat itself. When was it that he ate last, he wondered. As it was, he couldn't quite remember. 'Sometime…yesterday? Ah, no wonder. Guess I've been really preoccupied with work lately.'

"Jeez… Alright, alright already! I know!" He grumbled at his growling middle and climbed out of the chair. He stumbled and almost fell on his way to the table, but caught himself and slumped into a wooden chair. He rustled through the paper and junk on the table, looking for the credit card that he knew he left out since the last time he used it.

"It was around here somewhere…Ha! There you are!" He held it up triumphantly and then had to search for the phone. "Stupid mess…" He growled in annoyance, deciding that it was high time he did something about it again. Once he found the phone, he called up a twenty-four hour take-out restaurant, since he didn't have a clue what time it was, and then busied himself staggering around the apartment and filling up his trashcans again. He had to admit, it felt good to move and he was starting to get a little antsy. That's what this stuff did to him sometimes. Usually it just made him relax and not give a damn and slowed things way down, but sometimes it also made him want to go out and do…something! Anything. Just move around.

A short time later, there came a knock at the door and Gohan slid fluidly over to open it. With a relieved smile he grabbed the box of Chinese take-out containers from the boy and was about to shut the door.

"Hey, dude! Where's my tip?" The kid snapped. He couldn't have been more than sixteen.

Gohan paused and blinked slowly at him. He didn't have any money. That's why he'd used a credit card. 'Stupid kid… Little egomaniac in the making…'

Gohan suddenly leaned forward conspiratorially and whispered so low that the kid had to lean forward to hear him. He looked the kid in the eyes, his own wide and shining. "Watch out for the black thing that's hiding in the shadows, kid. Run if you see it move." And then he slammed the door shut in the kid's face, laughing as he sat in his chair again and set the food on the coffee table, but he couldn't quite stop himself from inspecting the dark room once just to make sure his joke really was a joke. His arm was beginning to hurt with sharp stabbing pains no matter how he angled it and it distracted him from his momentary paranoia.

He sat for a moment, pondering, then glanced at the bathroom door. At length, he stood up and slowly walked to the little room. When he got there, he flicked on the light and looked at the line of bottles. After yet another moment, he reached down and hefted the first bottle and the pills rattled obnoxiously loudly. He still wasn't sure. He didn't know what this stuff was. What if it was meant for something specific? What if it would cause something bad? What if it did nothing at all?

A sudden, sharp pain ran the length of his arm and he winced. 'Well… There's really only one way to find out, isn't there?' He asked himself. Opening the bottle, he took one pill. Just one. And went back to eat and find something still playing on tv.

Despite how his stomach grumbled, he ate slowly, caught up in a late night showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. He'd never seen it before and it was really strange. It was the sort of thing that his mother would scream about and his dad would be totally perplexed at. Gohan himself was pretty perplexed. But it was interesting and it was somehow satisfyingly dark and…just a little off. It was kinda cool to see something else that was 'just a little off' too. And it was funny.

It was when he started laughing and couldn't stop that he realized he was stretched out on the floor in front of the tv with a take-out container in his hand. He must have laughed for five minutes because the movie had gone on without him and his lungs ached when he finally calmed down. 'Whoa.' He thought. That hurt…but it felt good. It felt good to really laugh, not just laugh at some stupid kid or some idiot jock, but to really laugh because something was just plain funny. Gohan knew he had very little sense of humor. 'Mom's fault.' Said that quiet voice. "She gave me her non-existent sense of humor." It felt good to let loose. He felt so good.

He watched the movie to the end and managed to keep his laughing fits down to a minimum so that he didn't miss too much. 'Imagine that, a movie where everyone is in drag lingerie.' He laughed again. "And they don't look half bad either." He finished out loud, still laying on the carpet.

When the movie was over, Gohan roused himself and threw away the empty food containers. He found that he had much more balance now that the last of his prescription was wearing off. But he could feel this new stuff beginning to wear off too. Yet another med that his body metabolized way too fast, but at least this one worked while it lasted. 'I can live with this.'

He slouched into his chair and wrapped a blanket around himself and was fast asleep in seconds and he had no nightmares.

--------------------------------------

The next two days at work were a blur, but a pleasant one. He took his new bottle with him, keeping it safely out of sight in a jacket pocket. He took it because the doses only lasted a few hours at best before the world and his arm caught up with him. As long as he had it, he felt great. He was still pretty slow and calm, but now he saw things in a much better light as if everything just slid off of him. Just like way back when he'd been on that morphine in the hospital. Maybe _not_ that good, but it was similar.

He didn't have any problems with his coworkers or the work they stuck on him. He couldn't remember doing any of it, but it obviously got done. He wasn't falling asleep as much with this new stuff, though he still did if he was left alone with nothing to concentrate on. And he was able to enjoy and laugh at even the worst of jokes that his coworkers would tell. Things weren't so bad at all. People would come in and pat him on the back or squeeze his good shoulder and he didn't even mind that. He used to hate it when his workmates would get that close or personal. He even noticed the touches with his last medication, it just had been easier not to care so he hadn't. Now, it just slid right off without bothering him at all. It was even...kinda nice because sometimes he would zone out and not hear anyone speaking to him until he felt a touch on his arm or something.

He enjoyed Lian's company too. She was just as perky and hyper as ever, but he didn't mind. She was fun to watch if anything. Everyone wanted to know how his arm was now that the cast was off and he shrugged, still only able to shrug one shoulder, and said it still hurt and was still stiff but was pretty ok otherwise. It was slowly loosening the more he used it and the crawling feeling had lessened, though it flared up ever so often to drive him nuts because he couldn't scratch the source. There were a couple of times that Lian came by while he was dosing and she would look curious, but she didn't say anything. He was dosing about every two hours or so to keep the pain away. It was to keep his shoulder from feeling those sharp pains. They made him lose his temper and snap at people so it was in everyone's best interest for him to keep them at bay. So he made sure he kept up a good time pattern. He didn't want to snap at people and be insufferable to work with...he wanted...calm bliss... It was better all around for his coworkers. He did it for them. Really.

It was Thursday when Lian finally commented on his dosing. He had been in great spirits and had realized yet again the he'd forgotten to eat. How even a demi-Saiyan could ever accomplish such a feat was beyond him, but he had. So he offered to take Lian out to lunch and she happily accepted. While they were out, he could feel the effects wearing off again and didn't think twice about taking out his bottle and tipping out two pills.

Lian grinned at him conspiratorially. "Keeping up on our happy pills, are we?"

Gohan smiled back and chuckled. "Yup." That was his only response as he made the bottle disappear and then tossed the pills into the air and caught them on his tongue as if they were candy.

Lian laughed and clinked her glass with his as if cheering him on. Gohan liked her. She was definitely cool. He felt relaxed around her. Like…they had common ground…though…they really were nothing alike. It was strange. But he liked her nonetheless.

-----------------------------------

It was the next day, Friday, and Gohan actually went searching around the office for Lian. They'd had fun the other day and the demi figured it was a good idea to keep having a reason to eat since, for some reason, he wasn't hungry at all. He knew that he probably should eat before he forgot to again. He finally found Lian. She seemed a little ruffled today. Not quite as relaxed as usual, not quite as energetic and hyper. In fact, she was strangely mellow. She leapt on the idea of lunch, though.

They sat quietly, waiting for their food and Gohan decided to take this moment to take his meds again since it took longer for them to take effect when he had a full stomach. When he looked up, he saw Lian fish a bag from her jacket pocket and recover a pill of her own. She caught him looking and flashed him a slightly strained smile.

"Can't let you drink alone today, can I?" She said with a laugh and popped the pill into her mouth, drinking it down with her water. Gohan did the same and felt her hand on his as he put down his glass. "What is that stuff you have, anyway?"

Gohan hedged for just a second and then gave his lopsided shrug. "I dunno, actually. I just take it." He answered evasively.

"Can I see?" Her bright blue eyes were so big and so curious that he finally just laughed and handed over the bottle for her inspection.

The took it in both hands and scanned the label, her large eyes growing even larger. "This…this is some really strong stuff…where did you get it??"

Gohan hedged a little more, suddenly regretting letting her see it. "Uh…" He pretended innocence. His dad was so good at it, maybe he'd passed it on through the family gene pool. "The pharmacy?"

She smirked at him and shook her head. "It doesn't matter. Do you know how much some people would give to have just a little of this? And you've got so much. And the way you take it…like it's nothing." She looked at him in awe which confused him again.

"Er…well… Stuff doesn't affect me like it does other people… I…guess I've got what you'd call a heightened metabolism." He laughed nervously.

The food came and they were both quiet as they ate. When it came time to leave, Gohan paid and Lian led the way outside where she stopped and looked around before turning to head back to the office. She glanced up at him a few times and he wasn't sure what to make of the look she was giving him.

"What?" He finally asked when she glanced at him for the fifth time.

"I was just thinking…wondering… Some people I know are having a little party tonight. They do every weekend. Sometimes during the week too." She added the last as if it were an afterthought. "Maybe…you wanna come?"

That took the demi by surprise. He blushed and scratched his head thoughtfully. He'd never been invited _personally_ to a college party before and he'd been here a long time. Usually it was Videl or Erasa who was invited and they would drag him along. This was a first for him. _And_ he was being invited by a pretty girl that he actually liked being around and was comfortable with. It was a wholly new situation.

"Uh…a party? Um…I'm not exactly party material. I'm not good at socializing." He warned her. It was best to get his worst assets out in the open so that everyone knew just what they were getting.

She shook her head. "Oh, no, this isn't that kind of party. It's really laid back. You don't have to socialize if you don't want to. It's a private thing. Only certain people are invited so…it would just be you and me…and some others who always come too. Everybody is really relaxed. As long as you're cool, they are too."

Gohan blinked and thought about it. It sounded ok and he didn't _have_ to socialize. "Um…yeah…sure. If you're inviting me, I'll go. Why not?"

She smiled. "Remember, it's a private party. Only certain people get to be invited. We don't want just anybody showing up or the whole thing gets ruined. K?"

Gohan chuckled and placed his right hand over his heart. "I promise. I won't go telling the world. Lately I haven't been talking to anybody but you anyway." He admitted. This weekend would most likely entail him…sleeping…or chasing off some worried family member. Or Videl. He could use a little distraction before that happened. "So, where is it?"

Lian shrugged. "How about I take you after work? We can stop at our places to change and head over."

"Ok. Cool."

-

-


	7. I'm Starless

**Satisfaction  
**Now we reach the point of no return, as does Gohan. This is where his decent truly begins. This is the first true step that will take him down that craggy cliff. From here, backing up becomes more and more difficult until it becomes impossible without some external force to help derail the tug of gravity.  
**Is Mine**

**Crossfade  
"Starless"**  
  
If only you could watch me fall  
I cannot feel it anymore  
The soul you cut the soul you adore  
Cannot feel you anymore  
Cause you've run through me with the destructive force  
I think somehow I gotta see it straight  
I gotta get you out of me  
But I cannot get through to you  
  
See me I'm down and I get deeper with every breath  
See me I'm over the edge farther with every step  
See me I'm doen and I get deeper with every breath  
Standing over the edge I'm taking my last breath  
  
How I feel like I'm starless  
I'm ready to fade now  
And how I feel like I'm starless  
I'm hopeless and grayed out  
Somehow I feel like I'm starless  
I'm ready to fade now  
And now I feel like I'm starless  
I'm ready to burn out  
  
I can transcend you and mentally bend you  
But I can't handle the shit that I'm into  
I have been blinded and always reminded  
Of the things I've wanted but I never could find  
I am a part of a world that I hate I wish the  
End would come faster my world's a disaster  
Can't you see that I;m down and I'm drowning  
And I can't keep my head above my wake  
  
I gotta get you out of my veins  
I gotta get you out of my blood  
I gotta get you out of my scene  
I gotta get you out of me  
  
What I'm really trying hard to get down to words  
Is the way I fit into this world  
Things I survived pushed me to the darkeer side  
Because of life as it was the life that was  
Yours should've never been mine  
But I never could take anymore of this  
Cause I'm always gonna get down to the floor  
It's a cold gun that I kiss  
'Cause I cannot break anymore  
  
Somehow I feel like I'm starless  
I'm ready to fade now  
That's how I feel when I'm starless  
I'm hopeless and grayed out  
Somehow I feel like I'm starless  
I'm ready to burn out oh  
Now I'm starless

---------------------------------  
Lian shrugged. "How about I take you after work? We can stop at our places to change and head over."

"Ok. Cool."  
---------------------------------

**Warnings** – Here's where it begins! Though it hasn't quite stepped up to the promised NC-17 yet. Drug abuse, sex and adult situations, hentai, and yaoi.

**I'm Starless**

The rest of the afternoon seemed to crawl past. By the time five o'clock rolled around, Gohan was so absorbed in his meaningless, menial work that he never noticed until a soft hand settled on his good shoulder.

"Angel? You ready to go?"

He looked up in blank surprise before remembering the plans he'd agreed to earlier. Now that some time had gone by, he wasn't so sure about the party. Plus his meds had worn mostly away and he was actually feeling a slight nervousness about the whole thing. What good was he at a party anyway? He'd probably embarrass Lian.

"Um…yeah…" He stood up and picked up his jacket, the pocket rattling ever so slightly. "Um…are you sure you want me to go with you? I mean…"

She smiled and tugged him out of the little cubicle. "Yeah. I think you'll like it." She answered and turned, leading him away.

Gohan sighed quietly and withdrew two pills from his hidden bottle. He didn't like the growling feeling of butterflies in his stomach and he knew just what would take the edge off. He made a quick stop at the water cooler and then hurried to catch up with his officemate. 'And I don't _have_ to socialize…she said so. It'll be fine.'

Outside the college office, Lian led Gohan toward the far dormitories. "I live on campus so it'll be real quick." She said over her shoulder as they made their way across the campus. Gohan followed dutifully, still unsure, but his insecurities were quickly melting away and he soon was almost looking forward to a night out. Lian led him to the second story of dormitory D, room 213. Gohan stayed respectfully at the door when she entered even though she left it wide open for him.

The girl was surprisingly quick. Gohan had only waited for about three minutes when she reappeared in a pair of torn and faded blue jeans and a baggy, light blue t-shirt. Gohan raised his eyebrows in surprise, but Lian didn't notice as she pulled her old suede jacket on. The look she had gone for did help reassure Gohan that this really was a laid back party. He was suddenly perfectly content.

"Alright! So, where do you live?" She asked, turning to look up at him with her bright blue eyes. They matched the t-shirt she was wearing which made her large, round eyes almost seem to glow.

"Uh…" Gohan pulled her door shut and they headed out of the dormitories. "I've got an apartment on Emerald Avenue. It's just a few blocks from here. I usually walk to work." He said this with some embarrassment. He didn't know if she'd be willing to take the near half hour walk."

She wasn't at all taken aback by it, though. "Oh, cool. That's only a few blocks from Hope Street." She smiled and started them off back across the campus and then up the street. "Hope is where we're going."

Gohan couldn't help but chuckle as he tried to keep up with her. They got to his apartment in what seemed like half the time it usually took. Lian was such good company and chattered so much that Gohan didn't even notice they were there until they had almost passed his building. He led her up the staircase to his apartment porch, glad that he'd been trying to keep his home clean the last few days. Lian entered the sparse apartment after him and looked around curiously while he headed to the bedroom to change. He figured that if Lian could go grunge, then there was no reason he couldn't as well. Gohan slipped out of his loafers and jeans and let his tail swing freely, trying to stretch out the tense muscles before he had to put it away again. He shrugged out of his button-up work shirt too. For comfort, he chose a pair of black gi pants. They were loose and didn't reveal as much as sweats did so he could relax about having his tail hidden beneath them. He also chose an older, gray, cotton button-up shirt. He had taken to wearing button-ups because they were so much easier to get his stiff, left arm into as opposed to a t-shirt. Last, he slipped on a pair of light tennis shoes. He liked them because they were flat and had thin soles, like the boots that he grew up training in, but they were much more "normal" and "accepted" than those boots. They felt pretty much the same to him so he had adapted.

He came out of the bedroom and saw the light on in the bathroom. He peeked in and saw that Lian was standing in front of the sink reading the labels of the other two large bottles.

"Uh…hi." Gohan said, letting her know that he was done.

She glanced over at him with a peculiar expression. "You know what you got here? These must have cost a fortune!"

Gohan glanced at the bottles and shrugged lopsidedly. He wasn't really worried about her seeing his pills anymore. Not Lian, at least. "Uh…not really." He squinted at the labels from where he was leaning on the door jam. "Do you know what they are?"

Lian laughed, shaking her head in disbelief at his nonchalance and concession of ignorance. "Well…" She picked up one bottle. "This one is sort of like a really strong tranquilizer. One that isn't prescribed all that often anymore unless someone really needs it. It's got some side effects." She smirked. "And there are _other_ uses for it too, but it's kinda rare to find ever since the doctors started to get stingy and paranoid. Your doctor prescribed you Hydrocodone, an opiate. This big bottle here is called Phenobarbital, this is a really heavy duty barbiturate. There's some who'd pay through the nose for good stuff like this. I think this here would make your Hydrocodone seem like Pepto-Bismol." She smirked and squinted at the bottles. "And this is definitely a larger dosage than your prescription was."

She didn't elaborate on those "other uses", but put that bottle down and picked up the second one. "This one…" She also picked up Gohan's empty orange prescription bottle and compared the two. "Is pretty similar to your prescription here."

Gohan frowned, surprised. "The names are completely different…I checked…" He leaned in for a second look, just to make sure. He knew that they were different. But the sudden hope that she was right filled his head and made his stomach tighten strangely. "How can you tell?"

Lian smiled. "I've been on enough medication in my life to have picked up a thing or two. This is your everyday Vicodin, it's an opioid just like Hydrocodone but it's not a very large dosage."

She glanced at Gohan and laughed at the sudden gleam in his eyes as he stared between the three bottles, but his eyes inevitably strayed back to the Phenobarbital she'd spoken so highly of. "You mean you really didn't know what this was?"

Gohan shook his head in negation, eyes still fixed on the bottle of Pheno…Phenobar…whatever. He really had no idea what any of those names or terms meant. Would it really be better than his Hydrocodone? He wanted to take it out of her hands and find out. He was still afraid he'd be disappointed. "Um…" He paused, considering. "Do you know what that other one is?" He gestured behind him toward the living room where his coat lay abandoned.He

Lian shook her head in amazement. "You know, it's not bright to take stuff when you don't know what it is. But then again, who am I to talk, right? That stuff is called OxyContin or Roxycodone or something like that, I think. Anyway." She was beginning to look bored. "You ready? Let's go."

Gohan dragged his gaze from the bottles and forced himself to follow, chuckling happily as he walked away. He liked Lian more and more the longer she was around. Catching up his jacket, it was a simple gray windbreaker, he was about to step out the door when the blond stopped him with a hand on his chest. "You should leave that here unless you want to share it." Gohan stared at her serious face blankly and she poked his rattling pocket to help him decode her meaning.

"Wha…share?"

She nodded and reached into his pocket, taking the bottle and setting it on a tv tray. "Yes. Unless you wanna sell it or make plenty of friends…it stays here. Don't worry. I'll hook you up. We'll have fun. Come on." She took his hand and drew him out of the apartment. He didn't really listen to what she said, he was more preoccupied with staring longingly at his front door as she pulled him away.

His interest in this party suddenly took a huge nosedive.

* * *

Gohan did take comfort in the fact that the place they went to was only three blocks away from his apartment. If he really had to, he could always slip home and come back before Lian ever missed him. In the meantime, though, he felt good and his double dose wasn't wearing off yet so he decided that he would not dwell on it just yet.

The house that they came to sat right on the middle of the short block that was Hope Street. It was a large, two story house and looked to have been a sorority house or something similar to that in the past. Now, it looked like it could use a paintjob and a carpenter. Lian took Gohan's hand and drew him up the old steps and across the large porch and walked right into the house, not bothering to knock.

Inside the entrance hall she looked through the doorway on the right into a large living room and Gohan looked over her shoulder. There were about fifteen people scattered around the room on chairs and sofas and the floor, all watching some movie on a small tv over the fireplace.

"Hey, guys!" Lian greeted cheerfully and a few people returned her greeting or waved. The rest merely glanced in her direction momentarily before soaking back into the movie. "This is my friend Angel. It's his first time here so be nice to him, ok?"

Gohan blushed and smiled when a number of people waved and greeted them and few actually cheered and whistled at him. None of them _really_ paid that much attention. Then Lian turned and went to the opposite side of the entryway hall, bypassing the stairs that ran along one side of the hallway. They passed a huge table in that room which was loaded with snacks and veggie trays and bags of chips and cookies. Under the table were two coolers and stacks of soda boxes. The next room was the kitchen, from which wafted delicious aromas of cooking food. When they entered, however, the room was empty. Lian seemed disappointed but moved on to a hallway off to the right.

"If he's not cooking…he's probably in the back…" She said to no one in particular.

Gohan glanced around the house as she dragged him along. This certainly wasn't the kind of atmosphere he'd ever encountered at a party. It was dark and cool in the building and relatively silent aside from the raucous laughter he could hear coming from the first room where that group was laughing at whatever movie they were watching. Come to think of it, he didn't think there was anyone in that room who wasn't wearing black. But he hadn't looked that closely so he couldn't be sure. With his Saiyan ears, he could tell that there were a lot of people scattered throughout the house, especially upstairs where he could hear excited voices and banging of…a ball? A few balls…a game room. That's what it sounded like. There were too many random noises for him to make out anything in particular, but even with the slight noise, the place had a very soft, relaxed, calm, and quiet atmosphere. It was…comfortable.

Down the dark hall was an even darker room. From somewhere in the dark came the soft sound of heavy metal music turned down low. The vibration of the bass could almost be felt rather than heard. Lian stopped at the door, trying to see into the dark. "Derek?"

Gohan could see well enough to make out a small room with a small couch against the wall. On the couch…he couldn't make out how many people there were. At least four, all slumped over one another. He felt sorry for whoever was at the bottom. At the sound of Lian's voice, one of the shapes moved, rolling and shifting everyone else. There were soft murmurs of annoyance, but the others settled again quickly. A second later there was a thump as one of the bodies tipped out of the pile and onto the floor. It rolled and climbed to its feet and shuffled to peer out the door, eyes squinting against the soft light in the hall. "Hey, girl." Its deep voice rasped tiredly.

Lian beamed. "Derek, your food is still cooking!"

Derek blinked at her for a second and then his eyes lit up. "Oh! I forgot." He stepped out into the hallway and Lian backed up to make way. He wore a very tight black t-shirt that showed just how rail thin and bony Derek was. Gohan swore that he could almost see ribs through the cotton. The black clad, trim waist seemed to extend forever before impossibly baggy black pants snagged on what looked like Derek's hip bones.

Lian waved at Gohan. "Derek, this is my friend Angel, this is his first time here. Angel, this is my best bud in the world Derek. Isn't he cute?" Lian squeezed Derek's slim shoulders tight, causing the younger boy to blush sheepishly.

Derek waved shyly at Gohan. "Hey. This is my first year so I don't know everyone either." Then Derek stepped right up to Gohan and placed his hands on the demi's chest, catching Gohan completely by surprise. The top of the freshman's head was about level with Gohan's nose and he couldn't help but note the young man's scent with his surprised intake. He smelled…nice…familiar…very nice… Derek had very delicate, thin, warm fingers that Gohan could feel even through his shirt and the feel of them sliding on his chest derailed his consciousness from analyzing that oh so familiar scent. Drove it right from his mind.

"Uh…hi…"

Then Derek glared at him and turned to look at Lian. "You always have to introduce me to tall people, don't you?"

Lian laughed and pointed Derek toward the kitchen. "Come on, man, it's not my fault you're such a shorty."

Derek growled at her, but not unkindly, and quickly headed off to the kitchen. "Nice to meet you, Angel." He cast a last glance back at them and sent Gohan a mischievous wink which made the demi twitch sporadically.

Then Lian continued to lead him by the hand along the hallway where it turned. They passed a number of other rooms, some with closed doors, some dark like the first, and some with small groups talking or listening to music. Then they were standing in the foyer again, having gone full circle around the left side of the first floor. Lian stepped through an open doorway and into a large room that was relatively bare except for a large, extra long couch and a tv against the wall in front of it. The carpet was lush and thick and Gohan was positive that his shoes sank into it about an inch. There was no one in this room and it was dark. The only light came from the back wall which was made up of floor to ceiling windows and a sliding glass door. The light crept in around the edges of long, thick curtains that ran the length of the room.

At the end of the room they passed through a swinging door into what looked like a second kitchen at first, but Gohan realized it was a laundry room. In the center was a round table with stacks and stacks of plastic cups and a some large bottles. There were also three guys and one very tall, very…stacked woman with long curly black hair and hardly any clothing on at all.

The guys greeted them warmly and cheerfully, albeit a bit unsteadily, and offered up a beer from one of the kegs on the floor to both Lian and Gohan. The black haired woman's greeting was much cooler. Lian introduced Gohan as "Angel" again. Every time she did that it made him pause, but he didn't feel like saying anything. It was kinda cool and he was growing fond of the pet name. Anyway, he was feeling too relaxed to really think about it in any in-depth manner. The black haired woman took a large cup from one of the guys and sidled up to Gohan, her hips swaying in full exaggeration. She set the large cup in his hands but didn't stop advancing. No sooner did he have the beer in hand then he felt the rim of her short skirt and bare thighs pressed up against…_around_ his own thigh. She smirked at him seductively, eyes level with his own and so…so…close... She smelled like she had bathed in some alcohol based perfume and it was so overwhelming that it made Gohan's sensitive nose want to purge itself. He tried to hold back. Lian just rolled her eyes at them. "Well hello to you too, Gloria. Nice to know you're in good form already. It's so early in the evening still."

Gloria hooked her arms around Gohan's uncomfortable shoulders and turned to smile nastily at Lian. "I'm always in good form, suger."

One of the men stepped up to Lian and kissed her on the lips before handing her a beer. "Hey, girl." It was a brief kiss and unmistakably friendly.

She smiled happily at him leaving Gohan wondering if this was how everyone was greeted around here or if she actually knew this guy…and whether Gloria was an exception. He couldn't smell anything but her perfume. Not even the beer in front of his nose!

The guy squeezed Lian with a hug around the waist and spoke in a relaxed, conversational tone. "Jake left a message for ya. He says he's got something for ya. Said he'll be waiting."

Lian's eyes widened. "Yeah? Cool, Randy. Thanks." She started to turn back to the door, evidently to go and find this "Jake", but the guys stopped her short.

"Hey now!" Randy yelled, a knowing smirk on his lips. "You know the rules! One down, one to go."

Lian laughed and rolled her eyes again. "Yeah, yeah, I know." She said, conceding to some inside joke that Gohan was clueless to.

To Gohan's surprise and everyone else's amusement, she turned up her glass of beer and chugged the contents down. By the time she had swallowed the last bit and gasped for air, Randy was there to take the empty cup and hand her another full one. She grinned at Gohan and waved at him. "I'm just gonna pop up and see Jake real quick. Make yourself at home. Be nice to Angel, guys. I'll be back in a few."

Then she was gone and Gohan was left to asphyxiate from Gloria's literally intoxicating stench.

"Hey, man."

Gohan turned his attention on Randy, still trying to politely extricate himself from Gloria's grasp. It wasn't working very well. Her long, clawed fingers seemed to have a mind of their own and they were causing mischief and mayhem and… 'gah! That was skin!' …had even worked their way under his shirt already.

Randy continued speaking, seemingly oblivious to Gloria's not so furtive movements. "So where do you know our Lian from?"

Gohan could only answer distractedly since Gloria was trying to monopolize his attention. Good Kami! The woman was leagues worse than Videl _or_ Erasa…combined! "Uh…we…we work together…over at the…college."

"Oh." Randy offered. "Cool. Well welcome to Hope, Angel." He laughed at how red Gohan's face was turning. "Gloria, if you keep that up he won't have any blood left for you to suck."

Gloria grinned at him. "There's always enough left." Gohan squeaked stiffly.

The other guy laughed as well, finally allowing some interest to drift from his alcohol to something else in the room. "Dude…you ain't gonna be an angel for long with her around."

Gohan was getting kind of desperate now, for air and for breathing space in which to find air. "Um…heh…uh, is there…uh…a bathroom around here somewhere?"

Gloria ground up against his thigh again, drawing another strangled noise from the demi. "I'll show you, suger."

"Hey now. There's a rule that you gotta learn, Angel." Randy halted them with yet a wider grin. "One down, one to go. Whenever you enter the bar, you've gotta do it."

Even Gloria joined in with this despite her interest in _other_ things. "Yeah, suger. Down the hatch. Let's see how well you can work those throat muscles." She giggled horribly.

Gohan glanced down at the _large_ glass and gave a heavy sigh. His glass was much larger than Lian's had been for some reason. He didn't normally drink much at all, even at Videl's parties. Especially at those parties. But, it was a rule. Hell, why not? These people were weird but they were ok so far…excepting the chick grinding on his hip. She was getting annoying. He was willing to do anything to get out of here and a moment's space at this point. He knew that his meds must be wearing thin for him to be getting so annoyed. Without hesitation he tipped the drink back and listened as the group cheered him on. Vaguely, a thought flitted by as to whether it was wise to mix alcohol with his medication, but it exited his mind as he struggled not to choke on beer foam. The stuff didn't taste the greatest, but he knew that the faster it was gone, the less he'd have to taste it.

It seemed like the last of the stuff just refused to go down his throat and his lungs were aching for air, but finally the last swallow gave way and he gasped, dragging in a fresh load of perfume and being grateful for it. But the hoots and hollers were gratifying and he found himself grinning in spite of everything. That was…kind of cool…and Kami! The sudden rush he was getting!

"I think we have the makings of a new champion!" Randy said and high-fived his drinking buddy. "Just wait till the champion finds out!" Then Randy stuck another tall cup in Gohan's hands. "Go in peace, brother." He intoned with a grin. He didn't have to, though, because Gloria was already dragging a suddenly slightly unsteady Gohan out the door.

She pulled him through the dark den and into the back of the foyer hallway. There was a closed door at the end of the hall, beneath the stairs, just before it turned left to the rest of the house. "Here you are…" She leered at him. "Want any help?"

Gohan nearly shuddered. "Er…no." He opened the door and his eyes went wide. All brain matter that hadn't yet been invaded by beer foam went **_sploosh_** because there…on the bathroom sink…was an unknown man and woman, half naked and going at it like rabbits. It even took Gloria a second to catch up. But then she gave a delighted scowl.

"Greg!! How could you?! Having fun without me!!" Gloria shot Gohan an apologetic smile. "There's a bathroom upstairs, suger. I'm sure you'll find it." Then she disappeared into the bathroom. The last thing wide-eyed Gohan saw as the door shut again was three equally feral grins and a whole lot of bare skin.

Gohan backed away slowly and went back into the dark den. 'Holy…wow…' He took an absent minded drink while still marveling over the threesome that was going on just on the other side of the wall. The bitter taste of beer snapped him out of his dirty thoughts and he dropped onto the center of the couch. It was nice and quiet here, though Gohan's ears strained of their own accord for the muffled rhythmic sounds that he _knew_ were probably blatantly clear in the hallway. He glanced over at the doorway and wall and gave a giddy chuckle, his eyes making out some shape in the gloom, a short distraction from the tightness of his gi pants as he tried to make it out…oh…there was a door. It was a sliding wooden door on this side of the wall. Nothing so mundane could quite drag his imagination from the threesome occurring only a room away. Kami…he _could_ hear them, barely…someone in the bathroom had begun to scream… He wondered absently if the walls in the house had been soundproofed, the sounds were very muffled but still there. His left hand lay limp in his lap and…he just couldn't resist. His ears twitched and fingers followed suite, stroking softly while his imagination played a little too wildly with the sounds he could just barely hear. He took a deep breath, fingers stroking just a little firmer, caught up in the enfolding dark. His mouth went dry and he suppressed a raspy groan.

Then a figure appeared in the lighted doorway and Gohan almost choked, his left arm shooting away to grip innocently on the back of the couch as he buried his crimson flushed face in his cup, drinking desperately. Lian came into the room, her soft footsteps horribly loud despite how Gohan tried to pretend not to notice. 'It's dark! It's dark! She didn't see! No, she couldn't have seen. I'm being stupid. She can't see in the dark. Stop being stupid, Gohan!' He swore silently at himself for doing something so perverted, but nothing could dissuade the burn of embarrassment that had taken root in his bloodstream. How could he do something like that here in public?! He was _not_ thinking straight… To make things worse, he realized that he had already downed half the huge cup of beer.

A small, light figure dropped on his right side and leaned right onto him, snuggling up. He lowered his cup slightly, peeking over the top at Lian's blond curls that were spilling on his shoulder. She was…_really_ close…and he was _really_ aware of his little…problem. He just hoped that she wasn't aware of it. She didn't seem to be. After a very tense moment he started to relax again. She hadn't seen.

Then another light figure settled on his left side, up close and under his arm which was wedged stiffly between the cushions and the back of the couch. Gohan's head snapped over to see Derek, squinting and smiling through the dark at him and carrying that vaguely familiar scent.

"Hi."

"Uh…hi." Gohan replied nervously.

The blond on his left roused herself and smiled up at him. "Sorry I took so long. I see you got rid of Gloria, bravo, she's clingier than a leech." She said dreamily. "I brought something for you."

Gohan did his best to adjust himself into a…more comfortable position without disturbing the two leaning on him. His heart finally slowed down enough for him to notice that his left arm was twanging badly. He had stretched it a little too far in his haste to look innocent.

"Yeah?" He replied as he gingerly un-wedged his arm and let it slide down from its uncomfortable perch. Unfortunately…that caused his arm to settle securely onto Derek's slim shoulders. The young man looked perfectly content and didn't seem like he was going to move in any way. Gohan expected the boy to disgruntled at the overly familiar position, but he didn't even seem to notice. After a second, the demi decided he was comfortable enough and let it go so long as Derek wasn't upset. His arm felt better when elevated like this anyway.

"Yeah." Surprisingly, it was Derek who answered and held up something small and white on his palm. Gohan looked at it dubiously.

Lian drew his attention again, offering further explanation. "You set it on your tongue and let it dissolve. It's mint flavored. It's new. Good stuff. Try it, Angel." She yawned and nuzzled her way under his arm, resting her head on his good shoulder.

Derek smiled at him, his teeth shining in the dark. "I prefer under the tongue. I think it works faster that way. It's not that strong. Mostly just fast and fun." He giggled and held the little white pill up in front of Gohan's lips.

The demi hesitated, unsure, but Lian offered no other opinions and both his arms were pretty much out of commission. Lian had brought it for him, mint…who was he to say no? He opened his mouth and Derek obligingly pressed the tablet beneath his tongue which stroked down over those thin fingers automatically. As he closed his mouth, he caught the tips of those fingers on his lips. They tasted of oregano and spices. Derek had been in the kitchen again, it seemed. It was a nice flavor and it reminded him that it was probably approaching dinnertime…but he could last a while longer. He hadn't been eating all that much lately anyway…and then spearmint overpowered the thought of food. Spearmint and a strange antiseptic sting…

Distracted by the odd sensation, he only vaguely noticed that Derek slid a mint under his own tongue and leaned back, his head laying on Gohan's scarred shoulder. He barely felt the weight, more interested in the strange, foaming, tingle under his tongue. Not much later, not long at all, Gohan gave a muffled grunt. His tongue felt thick and heavy and the feeling spread to the rest of him until his head fell back onto the couch cushions and he just stared blankly up at the ceiling. It seemed like he could see every dot and crack and blemish and his head lolled as he took them all in. Tiny,dull stars in the ceiling of the universe. They were cold and black against the white sky as if some apocalyptic hurricane had blown them all out. He found himself counting them all. He'd gotten to 337 when something began to edge its way into his conscious thought.

His eyes fell closed and he groaned quietly, his head lolling to the side again. Fingers. That's what he felt. Slender, warm fingers, tracing his chest. He was warm all over and relaxed…he felt like he couldn't ever dream of moving…even if he wanted to. He didn't want to. He was blissfully happy right where he was, warm and comfortable and unmoving. Those fingers felt very nice, moving randomly over his shirt. It was soothing and he began to slide into darkness with just those fingertips keeping him from falling all the way.

Eternity passed by with only those light touches to count time with. Thick breaths dropped from Gohan's lips, flowing heavily over his bare chest and onto the ground like a waterfall of smoky vapor. It swirled and coiled and draped over his muscles and skin, leaving whispered kisses and licks that dissipated lazily, though his breath remained.

Gohan's eyes cracked open and the dim ceiling came into view. His breath? That…that…that didn't make any sense. How could his breath look like smoke? He was dreaming. Yeah. He sighed softly. He could still feel it, though. He blinked slowly. Could still feel what? His eyes fell closed again and he groaned. It felt so good. Like… Oh. Like fingers. Yeah. That's what it was. He knew that. How dumb. Where had the smoke come from? Some imagination. Those fingers were stroking over his skin. They had started at his stomach, he still felt their ghostly caresses there even though they were now sliding over his collar bones and down his neck. …And there _was_ breath…it brushed his skin warmly and pressed his shirt over his shoulder and paused…

Then he felt those fingertips trailing along ridges of thick scar tissue. They rubbed softly along stitching marks and circled the depressed hole near the balljoint. And then soft soft lips joined them, casting butterfly kisses over the sensitive and desensitized flesh.

Gohan finally rolled his head up and had to forcefully keep it from falling forward. 'Lian?' Blond curls spread over his shirt and bare chest like silk, but the small hand that lay over his right leg was limp. He could feel her deep, slow breaths on his skin. He could feel her heart beat, eratic…fast…no…that wasn't hers. "…mmm…" That was…his own heart beat. Fast…tense…but he felt so…heavy and slow…it was a…rather upsetting contradiction. If he wasn't so comfortable…it probably would have frightened him to feel his heart slamming in his chest like it was. It was a sickening feeling. As it was, he knew that that probably wasn't good…but he just couldn't find it in himself to worry about it. A hot tongue dragged its way down one of the scars on his shoulder and his head swung to the left, pulling back just before bumping into the short, black, spiky haired head that the tongue belonged to. A belated gasp pushed past Gohan's own heavy tongue as goosebumps rose on his skin in response to the cold left behind that hot caress.

"…Derek?"

The freshman turned up to look at him, his fingers still traveling softly over Gohan's wounded shoulder. "What happened, Angel?" He asked, his minty breath was warm on Gohan's cheek and their noses brushed gently.

"Uh…" At the thought of his injury, the images blurred past Gohan's eyes in living color and his straining heart rate seemed to triple horribly. His breaths sounded harsh in his ears and he blinked rapidly trying to make it all stop. 'Stop…stop…stop…oh kami…stop stopstopstop…' The cold saliva on his shoulder suddenly began to drip. It slid down his side in a crimson line as blood began to ooze from the hole that abruptly opened up in his shoulder again. "Oh…Kami…" He couldn't get any air…the room was suddenly stifling in its warmth. It was coming to get him. The dark was going to get him. His shoulder tore open in testament to his sins and in confession of guilt. Doom enclosed upon him, crushing him as the darkness reached out hot, hellish hands to pull him down into it…hands….hands…and…lips…lips pressing his…drawing on his…a tongue sliding against his gasping mouth… He whimpered as he was drawn away from horrible nightmares and back to reality by that clever kiss. He missed the touch terribly when it disappeared, but all he could do was rest his forehead against Derek's and gasp for air, his teary eyes clenched tightly shut.

"I'm sorry, Angel. It's ok. You're just fine. Everything's ok. Right?" The apologetic tone was clear in Derek's voice. "Everything's ok. Breathe. I didn't mean to upset you. Just concentrate on breathing. It'll pass. I promise. Just breathe."

Gohan shook his head, still resting against Derek's. His heart was still racing but he couldn't focus on it. He didn't want to. His chest hurt and his lips tingled and he was so confused and hot. Slowly his heaving chest began to slow and his lungs actually accepted the oxygen they were begging for. He would have fallen over if not for Derek's soft, but steady hands easing him to lean on the couch and supporting the back of his head. "Speak to me, Angel. Are you ok? Open your eyes. Talk to me."

Gohan obliged tiredly by opening his eyes and looking at Derek's concerned face. The teen smiled so brightly at him that it was infectious even while feeling as terrible as Gohan was at that moment. "I…don't feel so great…" The demi admitted softly.

Derek nodded, still smiling. "You're pretty hot too. I mean…" The teen blushed. "I mean you feel hot. Do you want some air? I can open a window."

Gohan looked over at the curtains and suddenly felt a queasy longing. "I…yeah…I want to go outside. Some fresh air…"

He tried to push up, but Lian was still laying half on him and he was stuck. Derek gently helped Gohan ease out from under her, setting a pillow under her head. She wasn't asleep, but she wasn't really paying them any attention either. She probably didn't even notice when they left. Derek helped steady Gohan as he stumbled to and out the sliding door. The evening air with its lit and glowing stars was cool and felt much better than that dark room to Gohan and he finally began to relax again, though he was still very hot.

Derek looked his flushed features over, still concerned. "You're really hot…but you aren't sweating…"

Gohan nodded absently, unable to keep his balance without the freshman to hold him steady. "I don't think that stuff agreed with me…" He rasped.

Derek looked around and spied the Jacuzzi sitting on the side of the porch. "I think we should get you cooled down. Come here."

Gohan didn't even think to resist when the shorter man led him to the tub and tossed back the cover. He just gripped the edge for balance when Derek set his hands on it. It took Gohan an extra minute to realize that the teen was helping him out of his clothes as well, but by the time the demi gained the presence of mind to argue, he had already been divested of his wardrobe. He had to admit that the cool water felt wonderful on his hot skin and he groaned loudly in appreciation as he slid into it. A moment later there was another splash as Derek joined him, smiling widely. "Now that's a sound I wouldn't mind hearing again." The younger man chuckled and put a steadying arm around Gohan's shoulders.

"I'll… I'll be fine…" Gohan tried to reassure him absently. "It…It should wear off…fast…" He hoped so, considering how his body was reacting. He frowned up at Derek, trying to gather his thoughts. "I don't like that stuff..."

He was right. Once he started to cool off, he began to feel much better. His pulse slowed and was almost back to normal after ten or fifteen minutes and he felt so much steadier. Whatever that minty stuff was, it did _not_ agree with his Saiyan metabolism. The worst of it was past now. His body must have gone into overdrive to try and burn it out of him. Now, he had no energy left and his head lay on Derek's arm on the edge of the Jacuzzi. The young man was keeping himself occupied by absently playing with the demi's wet hair. It felt nice and was sending pleasant chills down Gohan's neck.

"So…feeling better, Angel?" The silence was finally broken.

Gohan just nodded without opening his eyes. He was so tired.

"Good. So…what's with the tail?"

Gohan's eyes snapped open and he jerked upright. 'Shit!!' He instantly realized that he was naked in the tub with Derek and everyone who would ever want to could see his tail. 'Shit!!' It instinctively curled into a knot behind him, trying to hide. Derek, however, realized he was about to run and grabbed hold of Gohan's waist, pulling him back.

"Hold on. It was just a question. Jeez, if you react like this every time I ask you something, then we'll never get to know each other, will we?" Derek dragged Gohan even closer than he had been, almost right into his skinny lap. "What's up with you, Angel? I'm not going to bite. I'm not into that sort of thing, myself.

Gohan gripped the edge of the tub, but he found that he just didn't have the strength to lever himself out of the younger man's grip. He stayed tense, trying to wriggle free for a moment, but the effort left him shaking as the last of his energy just seemed to drain away and he sagged against the wall of the Jacuzzi in defeat. How pathetic he was. How weak and stupid and worthless could he be to land himself in a situation where he was defenseless and all his secrets laid bare? His eyes slid shut and he wished dearly that his mouth would have done the same instead of emitting such a humiliating whimper.

"Shhhh." Derek's smooth face nuzzled into Gohan's bare throat and he whispered soft and calmly. "You really are new, aren't you?"

Gohan wasn't sure what that question entailed exactly. It seemed to mean something more to Derek. But it was true and Gohan was so tired and felt so weak and he realized that he had begun to shiver and he hated it and he just wanted to disappear. He just wanted to sink into the tub and drown himself. Just let go and slide under. He was too weak to save himself if he fell beneath the waters surface. But he merely nodded instead, giving in to the sustaining grip on his waist. He didn't care anymore. He was terrified and yet he didn't care at the same time. It was even more frightening than being so lethargic while his heart tried to explode as it had such a short time ago.

"Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't realize." Derek's voice was filled with patient repentance. "Everything's okay, Angel. You just had a bad trip, that's all. I thought you'd know that. It's all better now."

Gohan didn't respond but kept his eyes squeezed closed and his head pillowed on the lip of the tub. He felt like he should know what Derek was talking about but his brain just didn't want to make sense of it. He was fading. Fading into the dark and it was good. But a touch brought him back instantly. His eyes snapped open and a quietly shocked gasp burst out of his open mouth as fingers stroked his tail. They ruffled his thick fur causing the cold water to swirl through the loosened strands to tickle the skin beneath, sending violent shivers up his spine.

"I like it. I think it's pretty." Derek whispered, smiling against his throat. "I wish I had one."

Gohan was not ready for the feelings that erupted from what Derek was doing to his tail. That, above anything else, is what gave him enough energy to pull away and climb from the tub. He snatched up a towel and flung it around himself, as much for protection as to hide what he knew shouldn't be there. His tail…and the beginnings of arousal that had been influence by said offending limb. Jerkily, he snatched up his gi pants and tried to thrust his wet legs into the material.

Derek just watched at first, not offended at all by the demi's actions, then he too climbed from the tub. He stepped over and put a stabilizing hand on Gohan's shoulder as he struggled into his clothes and, truthfully, that was the only reason that the demi did not end up on the ground. Gohan could feel the younger man's shivers but he was too preoccupied with getting his pants up to his waist to spare it a thought. Finally accomplishing the feat, Gohan glanced back and saw goose bumps plain on Derek's white skin and…oh… He averted his eyes quickly. It seemed that he wasn't the only one who had been…adversely affected…in the water…

Derek picked up another towel and dried and dressed again, going about it in a much smoother fashion than Gohan who was having so much trouble because his clothing was sticking to his still wet skin. Regardless, Gohan managed to hide his dripping tail again, though it left a darker patch on his black pants where it wrapped around his thigh.

He stood there silently, clothed and hidden again, and the short lived burst of energy melted from him making his knees feel weak. An arm snaked through his and Derek was there again smiling up at him, looking slightly sad when Gohan stiffened. Derek didn't let go though. He merely steered Gohan back to the house with the suggestion of seeing how Lian was. Gohan went, his eyes drooping heavily, grateful for the assistance even if he was confused and not a little bit fearful of having the other man so close…though…he wasn't sure why he should feel that way. Derek had helped him. Derek was Lian's friend. He had made Gohan feel so much better when it had hurt so much and he smelled nice and his hands were so warm and…

Thoughts fragmented and floated away as Gohan entered the dark, warm room again. He was so tired. That stuff had been very bad and the best thing would be to sleep…sleep it off…yes…That's what he wanted. He didn't care that Derek was holding him anymore. His mind was already shutting itself down.

The couch was soft and he sank happily into it, breathing in Lian's familiar scent and feeling her slim arms curl around him. Another thin body pressed up against his legs on the long couch, warming him cozily as it snuggled close. With a sigh all his anxiety melted away and he fell immediately into dreamless sleep, sure that the darkness was, for once, friendly and safe.

* * *


	8. Just To Feel Alive

Satisfaction  
Now we finally reach the point of no return. And finally we come to the song that inspired me in the first place. This song is what sparked my muse. This song is the base stone of the entire story…no matter where it goes from here.  
Is Mine

-

**Smile Empty Soul  
"Bottom Of A Bottle"**

Been scared and lonely  
I've asked myself is something wrong with you  
My girlfriend told me  
I need some time alone to deal with issues

But something makes me carry on  
It's difficult to understand  
Why I always wanna fly

I do it for the drugs  
I do it just to feel alive  
I do it for the love  
That I get from the bottom of a bottle

You always call me  
And ask me how I make it through the day  
I'm always fallin'  
I guess it's just God's way of making me pay

But something makes me carry on  
It's difficult to understand, why I always wanna fly

I do it for the drugs  
I do it just to feel alive  
I do it for the love  
That I get from the bottom of a bottle  
I do it for the drugs  
I do it just to feel alive  
I do it for the love  
That I get from the bottom of a bottle

When I, I wonder why I try  
And I, I wonder why I bother  
And I, I wonder why I cry  
Why I, I go through all this trouble

I do it for the drugs  
I do it just to feel alive  
I do it for the love  
That I get from the bottom of a bottle  
I do it for the drugs  
I do it just to feel alive  
I do it for the love  
That I get from the bottom of a bottle

-

Warnings – Drugs and alcohol, confusion, brain haze.

Characters – Gohan, random OC's.

-

The couch was soft and he sank happily into it, breathing in Lian's familiar scent and feeling her slim arms curl around him. Another slim body pressed up against his legs on the long couch, warming him cozily as it snuggled close. With a sigh all his anxiety melted away and he fell immediately into dreamless sleep, sure that the darkness was, for once, friendly and safe.

**Just To Feel Alive**

Warmth surrounded him like a loving blanket, warding off all discomfort and disturbance. Gohan could feel consciousness pushing it ever further away but he resolutely pulled it back and burrowed deeper, snuggling back into that dark warmth. He wasn't ready to go to work. He wanted to sleep…sleep all day if he could. He resolved to call in sick…in a few hours.

Sounds ruffled his slow trip back into unconsciousness and he frowned slightly, eyes still stubbornly closed. What…? He realized that his pillow felt different…and…it moved! He squeezed it in his hands slightly, his eyes cracking open just enough to identify the strangeness. It took about 8 seconds for his brain to access the information that his eyes and hands were sending to it and then another 5 seconds for it to initiate any sort of reaction. Then it took about 5 more seconds for his body to manage to execute that reaction. In total, the time it took from the instant he woke to the point where he was sitting up enough on the thickly carpeted floor to actually take in his surroundings and figure out where he was and why there was a pretty redhead pretending to be his pillow…numbered almost 30 seconds. That is half a minute to figure out that he was not at home in his bed and that he wasn't dreaming.

At 32 seconds he was gripping his poor shoulder and cussing in a most un-Son-like manner. It seemed that, in his sleep or possibly in his fall from the couch, he'd rolled onto his ruined shoulder and it was now punishing his inattention mercilessly. Horrible, sharp, stabbing pains were shooting down the length of his left side, not just his arm, but down his back as well. It hurt like hell.

Plus…there were people looking at him curiously.

"Dude, I've never had that reaction on a boy before." The redheaded girl on the couch giggled. "Usually they try to get closer, not further away."

Below her, laying stretched out at the foot of the couch, was some young guy with blond shaggy hair that fell over his eyes. If he had been so inclined at the time, Gohan might have wondered how he managed not to fall on the guy when he bucked off the couch. But he was much more preoccupied with the agony in his body at that moment.

"Dude." The blond muttered tiredly. "You're blocking the tv."

Gohan's head slowly swiveled to the tv on the wall behind him and then back to the group of people gathered on the couch and the floor and random chairs and laps around the room. He began to catch up with the world again and slowly scooted over as well as he could while trying desperately not to move his shoulder or arm. "Sorry." He muttered and was surprised at the rasp of his voice.

Suddenly a face appeared before his, smiling brightly, blond curls sparkling in the false light from the tv. "You were sleeping so soundly, Angel. I didn't want to wake you before. I think you needed the rest." Lian said apologetically, running her fingers through his ruffled spikes as if reassuring a little boy after a nightmare. "You okay, Angel?"

Gohan closed his eyes and sighed. He was hurting too much to be really worried about making a fool of himself in front of twenty strangers. It was common enough for that to happen anyway. "I'm…fine…" His voice was terribly hoarse. "I need…" But then he remembered and it felt like his stomach became a hollow hole. He didn't have what he needed. He'd left it at home. Lian had made him leave it. He needed to go home.

"Oh." Lian blinked at him, contemplating with those big blue eyes of hers. "Derek said that you didn't like the mints…" She looked thoughtful and then smiled again. "I know. I'll be right back." Then she whisked out of the room.

Gohan let his eyes fall closed again with a frustrated groan. He just needed to go home. He tried to gather his strength and, at length, got to his feet still clutching his arm close. He was about to enter the hallway when Lian appeared from the laundry room with a plastic cup in her hands. "Here, Angel. This will make it better. I bet it hurts, huh?"

Gohan hesitantly let go of his arm and took the glass, giving it a tentative sniff. It was water, but it smelled strange. Sort of sharp and bland at the same time. Lian chuckled at the sour expression on his face. "Go on, Angel. This is more like what you're used to. It will help."

Gohan nodded blandly to himself. It couldn't be worse than what he'd already endured and if it helped…it was worth it, right? He took a sip and grimaced. He didn't like the taste, but that really didn't matter. He tipped the cup up and gulped it all down in one go. He finally lowered the cup with a gasp and looked at Lian's amused face.

She laughed. "I was gonna say to drink it slow, but no worries. The faster the better, right?"

Gohan set the cup on a small table lining the hallway. "Right." He agreed softly.

Then she caught his good arm in hers and tugged him gently back into the dark room. "Come and watch the movie, Angel?" She pleaded.

Gohan resisted at first. "I should really…" But there was now an odd warm feeling in his stomach and his arm had finally calmed from the bump it had suffered. He decided that he could wait and see if the pain would ease. If it didn't, he could still leave. "Alright." He followed her to the couch which still had an open space where he had been curled. They sat, the redhead on his right and Lian on his left. Lian let him set his abused arm on her shoulders and leaned into him comfortably.

Gohan settled in and that numb feeling in his stomach began to spread to his limbs. It was…strange…but not bad. In fact, he wasn't drowsy at all anymore. Ten minutes later, the familiar features of young Derek appeared from the dark with two plates balanced on his hands. "Dig in." He whispered as he passed the plates to Gohan and Lian and then settled himself on the ground between Gohan's knees, shoving the blond guy over to make room. Gohan did as he was told and fell to it ravenously. He hadn't been really hungry in a long time and the food was so good.

Full and comfortable and warm, Gohan could only sit through half the movie before he just couldn't sit still anymore. He thought he might twitch out of his skin if he didn't move soon. Surprisingly, it was Derek who took pity on his squirming. The youth turned around, gripping Gohan's thighs with a smirk. "Come on, man." He nearly dragged Gohan from the room by his good hand. "What's up, man? You're making me nervous." He asked once they reached the door.

Gohan shrugged lopsidedly and looked around the shadowed hallway with jittery interest. "Dunno… I'm just…" He paused because it wasn't something that he'd ever really dealt with before. Not something condoned in his family. Both his parents had always had something to occupy him with. This twitchy, fidgety, unsettled feeling was quite new to him. "I'm bored." He finally finished. "I need…to move…to…something! Anything." He admitted to the teen as he glanced around distractedly.

Derek laughed good heartedly and took some sort of homemade cigarette from his pocket, lighting it and taking a few shallow drags. He nodded his head and sighed deeply. "Sure thing, man. You should have said so. I know just the thing." He beckoned Gohan to follow him and they went upstairs. It wasn't until they opened the door at the top of the stairs that Gohan could finally hear the commotion that was only hinted at before through the vibrations in the ceiling of the house. Whoever soundproofed this house did a great job of it. The GameRoom was everything anyone could ever hope for and Gohan was delighted as Derek introduced him to it all.

Upstairs was a different crowd from downstairs. Here were the more athletic types. And the click-types. Downstairs there had been an air of comfortable, calm apathy. Here there was tension and competition. This was where the more gruff and tumble, opinionated people hung out. Of course…there were some who he had seen downstairs as well, like Gloria. She seemed to be able to fit in wherever she wanted. It wasn't exactly the sort of place that Gohan normally fit into, but he really didn't care about that right now. He just wanted to have some fun. To spend some energy. Energy he had way too much of all of a sudden.

And he did spend energy. From billiards to foosball to airhockey to videogames on a big screen tv to a miniature basketball court. There was even a portion of a corner that looked like it had been set up for wrestling, but Gohan had no interest in that. The night progressed in a blur of beer and laughter and such a feeling of happiness that Gohan couldn't ever remember knowing before. It went on and on, the smells of the people around him and the scents of food and alcohol and other acrid things that he couldn't possibly put a name to filling his head and making him dizzy. But he was having so much fun. Lian came and went with gifts of sweetly bitter drinks and the smoke that lay thick in the GameRoom smelled rather pleasant and calming to him and utterly cluttered his thoughts. He'd never had so much energy or been so at ease. It was…nice.

So very nice.

Food and drink and play and movies and music and warmth and cold and someone's arm around his waist to steady him long enough for him to take a tiny white pill the guy offered him and drink it down with a gulp of beer before throwing himself back into the rhythm again.

--

* * *

--

The throbbing was a distraction that was not at all pleasant. It was downright unpleasant and seemed so wrong. It didn't belong in his head, pounding his brains to jelly and making his body feel like a used rubber band and his mouth feel filled with sludge. He groaned swatted at the thing that had roused him to this awful state of being.

"Aaaaangellll…Come on, now, Angel. That's no way to say good morning."

Gohan mumbled something incoherent and tried to roll away from the voice but found he couldn't go far on the little futon. "Oh, Angel. Wakey wakey, it's time for breakfast. I made something niiiiice." The singsong voice was accompanied by a stroke that shocked Gohan out of his half slumber and into a sitting position. Derek grinned at him and ruffled Gohan's tail tip playfully before relinquishing it for a grip on Gohan's good arm. "Come on. I slaved away. Now you have to eat it."

Gohan groaned and flopped back down onto the futon. He was too wasted to worry about why his tail was out, he just curled it up behind him and toppled over. But he didn't fall far. The space he'd emptied only seconds before was now filled and he realized just why he hadn't been able to roll. There was someone else curled up behind him on the narrow bed, Gohan rubbed his face with his hands and gave another muffled groan. "…what…was I thinking…"

Arms wound themselves around his ribs and hoisted him up to his unsteady feet and held him close to keep him from toppling again. "Come on now, Angel. Once you get some food in you, you'll feel loads better."

Gohan doubted that fact very much, but now that he was awake he discovered that he was a little hungry and he didn't really hurt in any normal sense of the word. He thought that he might as well go along. Once he got home he could wallow in his bed in the dark for the rest of the weekend. Dutifully, he allowed himself to be led down the hallway to the kitchen. Once there, he dully acknowledged a number of other people in similar a similar state of "undead" shuffling around with mugs of strong smelling coffee or plates of food or just staring off into space as dumbly as Gohan found himself wishing to do.

There was one guy who seemed unbothered by the nights events and if Gohan and the others in the room had the energy, they might have resented him this. But, as it was, no one had that much energy. The guy did help to snap Gohan out of his zombie trance when he walked up and slid his arm around the demi's opposite side from where Derek lent his steadying hand and, with a bright grin, gave the base of Gohan's tail a healthy squeeze.

"Good morning, sunshine! Or should I say good afternoon? Was a hell of a night, Angel. You let us know when you're ready for another one." Then the guy was gone out of the kitchen and Gohan was left standing there on his tip-toes, his eyes wide open in shock. He had stiffened so much that he would have fallen over if Derek wasn't holding his waist.

He heard Derek chuckle beside him. "You always do that. It's great to watch, but you gotta loosen up, bud. It's just a tail. Half the people in this house wish they had a tail and a third of them actually pin on fake ones. You are the envy of everyone with your sleek, fluffy, real tail. I thought that we went over this last night." Then Derek slid his fingers down and stroked the base of the furry limb.

Gohan uttered a whimpering squeak and pulled away with a shudder. "…last night?" He was suddenly very curious about just why his tail was out…and why everyone seemed to be so interested in it…and he wanted to get it away from grasping fingers…that felt far too nice in his half dazed state. He reached back and shivered as his own fingers brushed the sensitive fur and felt…

'What the… What the hell happened last night???'

There was a hole neatly hemmed into the seat of his gi pants, fitted low so that his tail threaded comfortably through it at the base of his spine. 'When did THAT happen?!!'

"It's so cute! You always act like it's the first time every time!" Derek grinned at him and then went to fill up a plate of food for him.

Gohan sat heavily in a chair at the table, still in shock and unable to decide what he thought of any of this. …And very chagrined at the fact that he wasn't as bothered as he knew he should be.

"Lian'll be back from church in about a half hour so take your time eating. There isn't much else to do right now. Everyone's pretty blasted still." Derek said over his shoulder.

Gohan was staring down at the tabletop, his shock already wearing off. That statement didn't sound right. It took him a minute to figure out why. "Church? On Saturday?"

Derek brought a plate and set it in front of Gohan. "Hmm?" He looked up in confusion for a second. "No, silly, it's Sunday."

Gohan merely sat there with his jaw hanging and tried to wrap his numb mind around just how that was possible. He desperately searched his foggy memory for the entire day that seemed to have skipped out on him. Or maybe he'd skipped out on it. Whoever did the skipping…he'd been here for two days! 'No wonder I'm so out of it.' The thought definitely lacked a bit of energy.

And still he couldn't quite get around the numb dullness that pervaded his mind and body to really feel much about it. He really should care more, shouldn't he? Intellectually, he knew he should, but the concern just wasn't there. He looked down at the plate of food and blinked a few times under Derek's expectant gaze and then dutifully, mechanically began to eat. Huh. Now that he thought about it. He really was hungry. This…this wasn't so bad. No. It wasn't bad at all.

And a few minutes later when a girl that he was sure he hadn't met before sat down beside him, stole a bit of his eggs right off his plate, and then pulled his tail into her lap to coo and stroke it lovingly, he merely shivered and closed his eyes before continuing to eat. This wasn't so bad. It seemed that he'd made some friends.

-

-

-


	9. An Ugly Design

**Change**  
It just never fades. This existence has its ups and downs, but it never fades. And it never changes.  
**Is Futile**

**Papa Roach – Time And Time Again**

Yes I did it and I'll do it again  
It doesn't matter if I am your best friend  
I don't think so  
You're not that smart  
Over and over it breaks my heart  
The cycle continues time for your crime  
The pain comes back in an ugly design  
Her makeup smears  
The tears that she cries  
Over and over every night

Emotional swords slash my soul  
And now the pain it takes control  
I think about you  
I think about me  
Think about the way that it used to be  
I need a bottle  
I need some pills  
I need a friend  
And I need some thrills  
A shoulder to cry on a friend to depend on  
When life gets rough

Time and time again  
You think about yourself before you think about me  
Time and time again  
You think about yourself before you think about me

It's like a fight every single day  
It's always easy when you have it your way  
Deep in my heart  
In the depths of my soul  
My selfish ways are out of control  
I'm sorry that it comes down to this  
I punch through the wall as I break my fist  
The makeup smears  
Tears that we cry  
Over and over every night

Time and time again  
You think about yourself before you think about me  
Time and time again  
You think about yourself before you think about me

You're so selfish  
You're making me want to end this relationship  
You're making me want to end this

Time and time again  
You think about yourself before you think about me  
Time and time again  
You think about yourself before you think about me

Loving ties unwind  
Lost time behind  
Loving ties unwind  
Lost time behind

**An Ugly Design**

As he finished his plate of food, a tall glass of…something red that appeared in front of Gohan and he dazedly looked up at Derek who was smiling kindly down at him.

"It'll make you feel better. Promise." The younger man held his hand over his heart to prove his sincerity.

Gohan took the offered glass gladly. Anything that would make this better had to be a godsend. Lifting it carefully to his lips, not wanting to spill any and knowing that he just might with how off kilter he felt right now, he tipped it up and drank it all down with barely a taste. Sacrificing the taste wasn't all that much of a sacrifice, though, because it didn't taste very good anyway.

He set the glass on the table with a _clink_ and a gasp, eyes widening as the burn of alcohol spread through his stomach. "….wow…" He rasped the word out.

Derek grinned. "Told ya." Then he pulled Gohan from his seat. "Let's go watch something while we wait for Lian. Kay? And you can pass out again if you really want to, I don't mind."

Gohan merely grunted and let himself be led to the first room by the front door where all the Goths had taken up residence on Friday when Gohan had first come here. Now, there was only a handful of people scattered around the room watching some sort of animated show on the small television above the fireplace. Derek plopped down at the end of one couch and tugged Gohan after him. Still unbalanced, Gohan sprawled down to lean against the teen, which, he realized dully, was Derek's intent all along because the younger man had his arm open and waiting to catch him. So Gohan found himself half laying on the couch, his head pillowed on Derek's chest, and he really didn't have either the drive nor the concern left in himself to argue.

In fact…he was comfortable, he wasn't laying on his bad shoulder, Derek obviously didn't mind, and he was sooooooo out of it anyway that it really didn't matter just so long as he could close his eyes for a while longer. So Gohan did just that and sighed and closed his eyes, willing the pounding between his temples to stop. Amazingly, it had dulled a little already. He was happy to just lay here and drift. Absently he heard himself talking. It took a second for him to concentrate enough to actually understand what he was saying, but it did make sense even though he didn't want to move.

"I should really probably go home…sometime…I've got…work tomorrow…"

He could feel fingers ruffling through his spikes and sighed again. It felt nice. Derek's soft voice fluttered over his ears with a hint of amusement. "I know, Angel. But you're really in no condition to walk home all by yourself. Wait till Lian gets here. She'll take you home. Just relax till then, okay?"

"Hhm." Gohan's last bit of tension left him and he let himself drift.

* * *

"Angel…"

A hand rested on his side and shook him gently. "Angel…"

Gohan groaned and opened his eyes sleepily to see bright, smiling blue eyes and golden curls looking back. "…mmm…hi." He greeted with a rasp before clearing his throat.

Lian giggled and snuggled up against him. "Man, you can really sleep, can't you? How ya doin?"

Gohan blinked around the room. Everything was just as it had been when he fell asleep and he was still laying on Derek's thin, warm chest. It couldn't have been more than an hour. It struck him again that Derek's scent was so familiar, comfortable somehow. Finally he answered Lian's question.

"I don't know…" He clenched and unclenched his hands slowly, feeling his fingers tingle slightly. "I'm kinda numb."

Lian nodded in understanding. "Oh, that's alright. That'll go away when you start moving around."

Gohan gave a tiny moan and pushed upright, hunching over to rest his head in his hands, propped on his knees. "I should really go home…"

Lian wrapped her arm around his waist and squeezed fondly. "Ok, Angel. I figured you would. It's been a long weekend. I'll walk you home so you can sleep it off."

By the time Gohan found his feet, Derek had handed his jacket to him and Lian had taken his arm and was leading him out and down the steps of the porch. Hope slowly faded behind him as he walked, putting one foot dutifully in front of the other as Lian held his hand and chatted happily.

Soon, Gohan found that what Lian had told him was true and he did start to feel better now that he was moving. He even started to pay attention to Lian's continuous ramblings, which was a good thing because he realized that she was talking about him.

"…I couldn't believe it. It was kind of weird, you know, but I guess with your metabolism, it's not, really. But Greg sure was surprised. He's always been an asshole. He belongs upstairs with the rest of them. I swear, though, I thought he was gonna shit kittens. I've never seen anyone get hyper like that before. And Greg thought he was gonna get one over on the new guy. Idiot. I bet he'll think twice next time he tries to slip someone a roofy." She paused thoughtfully. "But then again…maybe not. He's not the brightest."

Gohan stared, brow furrowed. "What?"

Lian looked up at him, startled. "What?"

Gohan wasn't quite up to this level of mental sparring yet. "…What?"

Lian blinked at him. "What…oh, Greg? He's one of the guys upstairs. The jocks. In the game room? Remember? He gave you a roofy. I tried to catch you, but you were having so much fun that it was kinda hard to get your attention. And then you got so hyper. Dude! I thought that maybe you'd gotten speed instead…but nope. Greg was just as shocked. Especially when he tried to move on you again and you threw him over the pool table. Good choice, I might add." She grinned. "Greg's a real slimeball."

"Uh…" Gohan frowned at the sidewalk as they continued, trying to filter through all the blurred images and pictures in his mind to search up what Lian was telling him. Finally he found something that might match the story she was telling him, but his memory was so blurred that he couldn't be sure.

"…Uh…I don't think…I meant to do that. He just startled me. He grabbed my tail, right? Um…" He quickly made a mental check and found to his relief that his tail was wrapped discretely around his waist beneath his shirt again. Good. No more attention on that. "When did my tail come out…? I mean…when…did I…?" He was rather uncomfortable about this subject.

Lian looked up at him again and laughed good naturedly. "Um…I don't know. I guess it might have been when we were playing cards in the kitchen. You were so good at your poker face…I think that Derek was getting tired of losing." She giggled, remembering something very funny. "We could all tell that something was going on. You got so stiff and rigid. I figured that Derek was maybe…you know…under the table…" She blushed and grinned up at Gohan who merely stared back, not understanding at all what she was alluding to. "And then…well…then you started purring like a cat and stopped playing all together…well. We just had to see. You were so uncomfortable and tried to hide it, but there's really no reason that you should. It's a beautiful tail, and so soft and fluffy. You should show it off, not be ashamed of it."

She was trying to look into Gohan's eyes, but he was just looking down at the ground now, so she continued her explanation. "Well, once everyone at the table knew…it was just a matter of time before it got all around the house and then everyone wanted to see. Don't ask me how Shelly got your pants, because I don't know. I only know when you asked me to please go get them back for you. By that time, she had already mended them and was gonna give them back anyway. She was just being playful. She thought it would be more comfortable than leaving it stuffed down your pant leg."

By now, they reached Gohan's apartment and were standing in front, Gohan feeling horribly embarrassed and guilty. Lian looked at him with a small smile and then hugged him tight. "Come on, Angel. Don't be like that. You had a good time, didn't you? You smiled and laughed so much. I know you had fun."

Gohan finally nodded. "Yeah. I had fun."

Lian beamed at him. "I'll see you tomorrow, Angel. Get some rest, okay?"

"Okay."

Gohan went into his apartment, not sure what to think of everything that had happened at Hope. Lian was right. He had had fun. It had been nice…other than today. Today he felt like something that had been dragged through the mud. But it _had_ been nice while it lasted. Slowly, carefully stripping his clothes off, he dropped them on the ground as he shuffled to his bathroom. His little apartment smelled stale and closed, much more than from just a weekend left unused. On the way, Gohan opened up a window, letting the afternoon sun shine in. Oddly enough, the sunshine was actually nice on his skin even if it did make his eyes sting a little. Entering the bathroom, he turned on the hot water and stared at his reflection in the mirror until the steam fogged it over.

He looked… He wasn't sure. He looked…tired…overdone. He had overdone it this weekend. That much was true. But he felt…he felt…okay. Tired, but he was numb. And numb was only a neutral step away from happy, wasn't it? At least it wasn't negative. He sort of liked…being numb.

He stepped into the shower and let the hot water stream over his skin, leaving goose bumps in its wake and washing away the scent and feel of dozens of people and substances from his skin. He let it all wash away down the drain, leaving him clean and pure.

The strange thing was, as he watched the water spiral down the drain, he sort of missed it.

* * *

Gohan stepped out of the bathroom, scrubbing his towel through his spiky hair before wrapping it around his waist and slumping into his big lazy chair with a content groan. He dozed for a short time, welcoming the numb darkness, until a sudden sharp knock made him jerk awake. He lay there for another few seconds, wide eyes glancing around the sunlit room. At a second set of knocks, he pulled his damp towel back around himself, cinching it at the waist and climbing unsteadily out of the chair to answer the door.

He found himself looking at Videl's irritated face. Not what he would have chosen if he'd had a choice. At least she hadn't been screeching through the door this time.

"Gohan! Do you always answer the door naked!"

Gohan merely tightened his grip on his towel, a glimpse of the last time Videl came over flashing through his mind. "What do you want, Videl?"

She glared at him and crossed her arms. "Where have you been? I've been trying to call you all weekend, and so has your mother. You've been ignoring everyone. If you hadn't, you'd know why I'm here!"

The demi sighed, his headache beginning to come back, and started to shut the door. He didn't want to deal with Videl and that little voice inside was piping up again, saying he didn't have to. Wasn't that the reason that he'd been so willing to go with Lian in the first place? Because he didn't want to go home? Because he didn't want to deal with 'them'?

"Gohan!" Videl's angry face came closer and she stomped her foot in the way before he could close the door.

Gohan looked down at the foot stubbornly set in the doorway and then back at Videl, resigned. "What do you want, Videl?"

"There's a family reunion today. Your mom wants you to come. So hurry up and get dressed! I'm supposed to bring you!"

Gohan barely managed to suppress the whine that wanted to push its way through his throat. '…oh...no…' _That_ was the last thing that he wanted to be subjected to after the sort of weekend he'd just had. All he wanted to do was collapse and sleep until he had to drag himself out of bed for work tomorrow. The last thing he wanted was to…be…with them…listen to them talk and watch them spar and explain his life and avoid their stares and pretend… He was too tired to pretend.

"Gohan…what happened to your cast?"

His attention snapped to Videl and he drew back from the door. Her foot was still in place so he couldn't shut it without hurting her. He didn't want to hurt her. He just wanted her to leave him alone. But that wasn't going to happen. It didn't matter what he wanted. He just had to go along. Just like always. Go along with everyone.

"I've got to get dressed." He fled to his bedroom, knowing full well that was exactly what he was doing. He shut the door and sat on his bed, head in his hands and just breathing. He breathed slowly, calmly, trying to make himself feel as calm as his body felt right now. After only a few moments, though, his bedroom door opened and Videl came in.

"Gohan…" She stopped and stared at his room, at the large burned stain on the carpet and scattered broken plaster that littered the floor. "What the hell happened in here? Gohan! Is that your cast!"

Gohan stood up, not looking at her and went to his closet to start rifling through his clothes. "I'm getting ready, Videl. Go away."

"Gohan! You took off your cast! What the hell are you thinking!"

The demi winced as Videl's voice rose to that ever relentless screech and he spun around. "Damn it! Leave me alone!" He snarled, and she actually took a step back. He took advantage of her loss of conviction and pushed her out of his room, slamming the door shut.

"Gohan!" She yelled through the door as if expecting him to answer, but she didn't try to come in again. That's all he wanted. Just for her to stay out. Well…no, that wasn't all he wanted. He wanted her to go away completely. Along with everyone else. Just go away. Just leave him alone. Just let him disappear. Was that so hard? Was that so terrible? Just to let him vanish? If no one had to look at him or think about him wouldn't that make everything so much simpler? Wouldn't everyone be better off? Himself included. But no. That couldn't happen. Oh no. They couldn't just let things be like that. He had to conform. They had to coexist. They all had to be perfect. He had to be perfect. He had to try even if it wasn't possible, even if it wouldn't happen. Even if he failed constantly and could never live up to anyone's expectations. You'd think they'd learn. But no. It was still expected.

He took a deep breath, feeling that dark, cold cloud descend, and went back to his closet. Had he thought that he'd overdone it this weekend? He should have stayed at Hope just a little longer. Stayed with Lian and Derek for the rest of the day. Just slept on the couch. Something! He should have…

He pulled a pair of blue jeans from a shelf in the closet, dropping his damp towel on the ground and climbing into them. They were a little tight, but fit. He really had gained some weight. He glanced in the mirror. Yes, he had gained a little… His muscles weren't so chiseled as they had always been, but his stomach was still flat. He just wasn't as lean anymore.

His eyes were drawn to the ugly scarring that covered his left shoulder and chest and back, his fingers tracing over the red lines and the hollow, sunken scar that it all radiated from. A shiver slithered up his spine with the memory of a wet tongue and soft lips gliding along just like his fingers did now. Quickly he shook away the strange feeling and turned away, looking for a shirt that would cover up the scars that traveled halfway down between his shoulder and elbow.

He really didn't have many button up shirts. He'd destroyed the Hawaiian shirt Videl had given him with little guilt, plus the shirt on the floor in the living room. Finally, after shifting through the hangers, he found a few more. He pulled out a plain dark blue shirt and gingerly drew it on. By now, though, he paused to try and shift his tail inside his jeans. It was very uncomfortable. After long consideration, he undid his jeans and pushed them down. Carefully, he measured the distance and then used the tiniest bit if ki, then he pulled them back up, his tail threading through the small hole he'd burned through the material. That was…much better…sort of.

He pulled his shirt up and turned, eyeing his backside in the mirror. His tail sprouted from his jeans partway down between the pockets in almost a naturally flowing angle. He curled it up and around his waist, through his belt loops even. He chuckled at himself wryly and dropped his shirt, checking to make sure that the tail was totally covered. Good, that should keep it hidden, out of the way, and from being pinched too badly when he moved or sat.

Gohan stepped out of his room, closing the door behind him, and grimaced when he saw Videl standing by the front door and examining the bottle that had been left there days before. Suddenly his hands itched and he wanted nothing more than to snatch the pills away from her.

"What is this, Gohan?" She asked, still looking at the bottle.

Gohan strode over slowly and plucked it out of her hand. "What does it look like?" He snapped and then grabbed his shoes off the ground, sitting in his chair to put them on.

She glared at him warily. "It sure seems like a lot. Doctor's don't usually give out that much, do they?"

Gohan shrugged. "How would I know? I don't really make it a habit of getting sick." He replied sarcastically, not even casting a glance in Videl's direction as he tied his laces.

"Jeez, Gohan. Get over yourself. It was just a question. What's wrong with you?" Videl grumped back at him.

"Nothing's wrong with me!" Gohan spat and then fell silent. He picked up his jacket and went to the bathroom, shutting Videl out and leaning on the sink, stiff and tense once more. He needed to relax. He needed to loosen up. He felt so tightly wound up all of a sudden. He wanted it to go away so badly. He'd been okay until that woman had showed up! The reflection in the mirror had shadowed eyes and a desperate look to it that Gohan didn't like. He didn't like it at all.

He looked at the two bottles lined up on the sink and the one in his hand. He was so tempted. So tempted. He picked up the bottle that Lian had spoken so highly of, Phenobarbital. He set down the bottle he had taken from Videl and picked up the other bottle of Vicodin. He looked between the two. One was a high dose of…something…the other was a small dose but was like his first prescription. He looked between the two for a long minute and then set down the Phenobarbital, choosing to twist the lid off the Vicodin. A smaller dose…so… He had liked his first prescription so much. It had been…wonderful.

He tipped four pills out of the bottle and into his hand, which he popped into his mouth and turned on the faucet, cupping water in his palms to wash them down with. Then he tucked the bottle into his jacket pocket and went out to allow Videl to lead him home.

* * *

Home sweet home.

At the Capsule Corp. everyone was in high spirits. The group hadn't gotten together like this in quite a while. And, though it wasn't ever voiced, Gohan was the reason for this reunion. The demi sat as far away as he could get from the festivities and the social groups. He still felt that cloud over his head. The overcast atmosphere that said that he was an oddity, that he was a curiosity. That once again he hadn't lived up to expectations, and they were worried about him. He could have died, after all.

Then what would have happened? He wondered. What would have happened if he had died? They would have mourned, that much was certain. They would have cried. They would have felt regret and sorrow and sympathy. But in the end…they would have moved on with the knowledge that he really had never been meant for this life and that he was better off now.

Of that Gohan had no doubt.

And the knowledge made him feel so…bleak.

So he answered dully and dutifully whenever asked about his health or his wound. He nodded his acceptance of all well wishes and congratulations on his speedy recovery. He avoided and refused to look at his mother's worried and shocked looks when Videl whispered in her ear about his cast and his recent behavior. What did Videl know? Nothing! She didn't know anything of what was really happening, what really had happened. She didn't really care. She was just upset that she wasn't a part of it, that she was being shut out, that she didn't know. Well she could fucking stay out! He wouldn't give way to her anymore! He wouldn't! Because he didn't want to! He didn't want her.

He sat and brooded.

He sat and brooded until someone suddenly slapped him on the back and greeted him with overzealous friendliness. Gohan barely flinched, instead he turned to say a restrained "Hi" to Yamcha who was smiling widely. He didn't listen to anything that Yamcha was saying to him. What drew his attention was, in fact, what Yamcha was holding in his hand. "Where'd you get that?" Gohan asked, interrupting the rambling human in mid sentence.

Yamcha looked at the beer can in his hand. "This? I brought a whole cooler of it. You can't have a decent party without party favors. I always bring it, but almost no one ever drinks any. You're all too into your sparring and fighting. Not willing to let go for a little while to relax."

Gohan bit the inside of his cheek as he looked at Yamcha hesitantly. "Um…" He wasn't sure. He didn't even know how to come out with it. It was so…different. He…could he? It wasn't expected. It was downright frowned upon, actually. At least by his family. But…Kami…he needed _something_! The pills he had taken had done nothing! The only reason he even knew he had taken them was because his shoulder wasn't twanging painfully.

"Um…can I have some?"

Yamcha blinked, totally taken by surprise, then he grinned and slapped Gohan on the back again. "Sure! Of course you can. I've got plenty to go around. It's nice to see a Son who can kick back once in a while."

Gohan actually left his brooding corner to follow Yamcha to his cooler where he knelt on the ground while the older human opened it up. Gohan looked in and pulled a can out, looking at it thoughtfully for a second, as if trying to make up his mind. Then he smiled shyly and picked up a second can and glanced up at Yamcha.

"One down, one to go?" He smiled a rather uncharacteristic smirk and then cracked open the first can and drank it all down, still kneeling where he was.

When he finished, he found Yamcha looking at him with a strangely amused expression as if he was trying to accept what he'd just seen. Then the human laughed and held out his can to clink against Gohan's still unopened one. "Alright, Gohan! Way to go!"

Gohan grabbed a third can before rising and walking away and, even though Yamcha had seemed accepting and even encouraging, Gohan could feel his eyes on him as he left. He didn't go back to his brooding corner. He was tired of being where everyone could see him. He didn't want them to see him. He especially didn't want them to see him now, with a beer in each hand like some lush. He rounded a corner and entered a long empty hallway of the C.C. mansion. Everyone was in the main room and the kitchen. There wasn't anyone out here. He was safe.

He set one beer down on a hall table and took out his bottle of pills, tipping out six of the little white darlings. He cracked open his second beer and drank the pills down with it, emptying the can just like the first. With a cough and a gasp from the cold liquid burning his throat, he set the can on the little table and leaned against the wall, waiting for the alcohol to take effect. It was taking far too long. Why did he have to try something new? He should have stuck with what he already knew worked. But no, he had to try these new pills, he wanted more. He still wanted more. Anything more.

He cracked open the third beer and drank that too, crushing the can and dropping it on the floor. He watched in uninterested depression as a little robot appeared from out of the wall and scooped up the can before disappearing. That worked…at least there wouldn't be any evidence of what he was doing out of sight of his family. Gohan leaned his forehead against the wall and groaned. Why did he feel so guilty? Why the hell should he feel guilty! It was HIS life that was so fucked up! It was HIS life that he was trying to get through! What the fuck business was it of theirs!

He knocked the last can off the table and began to walk aimlessly down the hallway. At least now he could feel a tiny bit of the alcohol flowing from his stomach into his veins. It was a peaceful, warm feeling. He wished he had another beer, but he wouldn't go back out there and let Yamcha see him get another. It was none of his business. Walking along, he didn't pay attention to where he went, he merely followed the random twists and turns of Capsule Corp. As he went, he began to feel the effects of the beer and it lent a small smile to his lips. But soon he began to feel strange.

He frowned at the carpet ahead of him. It seemed to be moving, slithering along the ground with a mind of its own. Gohan reached to his side for the wall but it wasn't there. Falling, he thumped up against the side of the hallway with a grunt. Ok…the wall was there, he had merely missed when he reached for it. Now, with the wall holding him up, he felt as if the world were tipping and tilting all around him. He tried to get his legs underneath him, but the floor would move and he couldn't catch his footing. Soon he was sliding down the wall and thumped on the ground, still trying to grasp onto something to keep the world from bucking him off of its back.

"Boy!"

The snapped word echoed through his head with no meaning. He couldn't focus on it, couldn't focus on anything. He felt hard, rough hands take hold of his arms and lift him, but the world was still spinning. His shoulder was in pain, but it was nothing compared to the woozy vertigo he was feeling. One of those strong hands gripped his chin and forced the world to slow in its spin.

"Look at me, boy. What's wrong with you?"

He knew that gruff voice, that harsh tone, the scent of sweat and blood. Of course, he never liked social gatherings either. He wouldn't be with the rest of them. But it was okay for HIM to be antisocial. Gohan's eyes finally found something to latch onto. Slowly, hard, black eyes came into blurry focus, an arched brow, an expression of exasperated, annoyance. At least Vegeta never hid it. Gohan could see it clearly in Vegeta's gaze. He looked openly at Gohan the way the demi knew that all the rest secretly did.

Vegeta growled impatiently. "I'm going to get your father, boy."

That helped to bring Gohan some semblance of coherency. He grasped at Vegeta's sweat soaked shirt. "…No…"

Vegeta glared at him. "You can't stand on your own. I won't have you littering my home in this state."

Gohan closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the wall. "I'm okay…It's just…It'll go away soon… Don't get dad…please…"

Vegeta held him up for another few seconds, considering him. Then he let go and Gohan slid to the ground again. "Fine, brat."

Gohan could hear his decisive boot steps fade as he walked away along with his strong, dominant scent. It made him feel small and alone. Vegeta just left him here. He'd respected his wishes. The older man had actually listened to him. It felt strange…to be listened to. Now he was alone. He was all alone just like he asked to be, and he deserved it. He deserved it.

Gohan wasn't sure how much time had gone by when the sound of boots came again. It had been a little while at least. The demi tried to force his eyes open again, tried to gain control of his limbs, tried to push down the dizziness. Who was it? Who was going to see him like this? Who was going to stare and gasp and be so disappointed and aghast at him?

Then Vegeta's scent surrounded him and that strong hand grasped his chin again, pressing a cup pressed to his lips. He could smell water in the cup, crisp, clear, and mouthwatering as anything he'd ever smelled. In fact, Gohan was surprised that he hadn't noticed how horribly thirsty he was until now. "Drink already, boy."

He took a deep breath and did as he was directed, letting the cool liquid drip down his throat, trying not to spill too much. It was a lot of water that the older Saiyan was forcing him to drink and there seemed to be no end to it. Gohan gasped for air when the large cup was finally taken from his mouth. He sighed and relaxed against the wall again. Already the world was beginning to slow down, things were starting to clear.

He could feel that vast amount of water thinning out the stuff in his stomach and his eyes were starting to focus easier. Gohan looked up at Vegeta who was crouched over him again, his body still radiating heat from his heavy workout. He wasn't sure what to make of the look on the ex-prince's face, but, whatever look it was, Gohan didn't like it. It was almost as if Vegeta knew something, and that knowledge was very distasteful to the older warrior.

"You stink of chemicals and beer. Go home." Vegeta pulled away and stood, adding as an afterthought. "That harpy is looking for you. Leave while you've still got some dignity and I still have my hearing."

Then the prince left again and Gohan was left all alone in the hallway, feeling terrible. Not that he didn't already feel guilty, but now he felt dejected too. It was such a silly way to react. Vegeta had…he had…helped him? And given him advice? It was strange, and it made him feel even stranger than he already did. Why had Vegeta looked at him that way? …Home. Yes. He would go home now. He didn't care about the reunion or that his mom would be upset that he left or that Videl would be pissed because he didn't tell her or wait for her or whatever it was that she wanted from him. No. He didn't care about any of it. Not right now.

After much trouble getting his feel under him, though still dizzy, the world around him was stable again, Gohan staggered up to stand and then slowly made his way out of the complex. One hand trailed on the wall all the way to help him balance, stumbling away silently. He left by a door on the opposite side of the C.C. from where everyone was gathered and visiting and enjoying one another's company. As he walked away, he felt a small sting inside, but knew he didn't want to be there. He didn't belong there. He didn't belong much of anywhere, but he especially shouldn't be there. He felt empty and alone again, and lost. He didn't know where he should be, but it wasn't there with his family.

The sidewalk felt firm and steady beneath his thin shoes and he drew a small measure of strength from it. Placing one foot in front of the other, he steadily drew further and further away. It was a very long walk back to his apartment from here, but at the moment that was really all he was capable of. He didn't trust himself to try and fly. He'd fall out of the sky before he got anywhere, and though that really wasn't all that terrible a thought to him right now…he knew that he really couldn't do that. That was wrong. So, morosely he stumbled onward, absorbed in his melancholy pity party and wishing that the terrible pounding in his skull would ease again. He'd never had a hangover before, but he had discerned that that was what this awful pain was. He absently wondered as he pressed his palm to his temple, if this could be a double hangover since it had gone away once before coming back to torture him again.

* * *

A sudden loud honk right beside him jarred his aching skull an he jerked, turning slowly and forcing his eyes back open again. As he turned, the dark thought surfaced that it would be just peachy if after all this, after his shoulder and all his pain and suffering, it would be just fitting if he was hit by a car. The car didn't hit him. It pulled up beside him, though, and two young men looked out at him from inside. It was an older style, small two-seater car, the kind of car where the space right behind the front seats is really the trunk. One of the men stuck his head out the window and squinted at him.

"Angel?"

The name startled Gohan. It was one thing for Lian to call him that, but he guessed that everyone at Hope probably knew him by that alias by now.

"Where ya goin, Angel?" The college student pressed with a considerate smile.

Gohan glanced around slowly, getting his bearings. He really hadn't been paying attention to where he was anymore, his head hurt too bad to think about it. He still had a long way to go.

"Um…home." He replied hesitantly.

"Oh. The guy smiled at him and it made the silver chain that hung between his nose and ear sparkle in the evening light. "Need a lift?"

Gohan looked around again, trying to wrack his fuzzy brain for some excuse, and then noticed that the sun was going down. He guessed that it would be really late by the time he finally made it to his front door…if he made it at all. He didn't have much strength or energy left at all. Not since that 'episode' in the hallway. He was having trouble just walking a straight line. He looked at the little car with a frown.

"Do you have room?"

The guy grinned and nodded, the silver chain flashing again in sharp contrast to the heavy dark eyeliner that bordered the young man's blue eyes. He opened the door and then scooted over into the center of the tiny car, making room for Gohan to sit. He patted the seat encouragingly. "Climb on in, dude."

Gohan shuffled over, zombie-like after standing still for just those few moments. His legs really didn't want to move anymore. Gripping the cab with his good arm, he tried to lower himself in, but his knees gave out half way and he slumped heavily into the seat with a soft grunt. The strange thing was that he felt like he was still falling through it, sinking ever further right through the car into the ground beneath. It took a few seconds for that feeling to fade. Carefully tucking his legs inside the small cab, he caught the door and tugged it shut before letting his head tilt back on the seat. Kami…it felt so good to sit down.

"Dude, you look seriously faded."

Gohan turned his head slightly to take in the amused grins of both the driver and the other guy. They were good natured grins, not condescending or discouraging or reprimanding. They were just accepting, maybe even a bit hopeful? Gohan grunted something that might have been either affirmative or dismissive. Whatever he looked like, he felt really bad.

The car started moving and Gohan closed his headache riddled eyes again, letting the movement lull him. He heard one of the guys light up and could smell the smoke of some sort of cigarette. It was a familiar scent that reminded him very much of Hope. The guy next to him shifted slightly and Gohan glanced over again, his eyes protesting and wanting so much to stay closed.

"So, you got anything good, bro?" The man with the nose chain asked, one eyebrow raising and making the piercing there move. It was the driver who had lit up.

Gohan made a non-committal noise and shifted, his eyes falling closed. "Not really."

Disappointment and disbelief was obvious in the guy's voice. "Awe, come on, dude. Don't be like that. We're all palls here, right? I did good by you last night, didn't I?"

Gohan blinked, trying to figure out what the man next to him was referring to. He couldn't remember. He gave up. It didn't matter. Whatever. He didn't want the stuff anyway. He could definitely part with it. Fumbling in his coat pocket, he fished out the large bottle and handed it over. "Here...it doesn't react well with me. Take it if you want it."

"Dude!"

Gohan heard the rattle of pills and the hurried exclamations of glee between the two guys who obviously knew what the pills were and were quite excited about them. 'Knock yourselves out,' reflected Gohan absently as his thoughts began to lose cohesion again.

After a little bit, the bottle was placed back in his hand, much lighter than it had been, and Gohan roused himself enough to stick it back into his pocket.

"So where do you live, Angel? Where too?"

Gohan mumbled out the name of his apartment complex with little thought.

"Really? Cool, man! We're neighbors! No problem, dude. We'll be there in no time." But Gohan was dead to the world by then.

When he awoke, sunlight was filtering through the window and he was warm and so comfortable. He didn't want to move. Ever. He certainly didn't want to go to work. The only problem was that his shoulder hurt. It was a dull, throbbing, internal pain, one that he could ignore if he really had to. At length, he decided to roll over and relieve some of the weight on it, but when he tried, he felt something shift against his left side.

Prying his sticky eyes open, he realized that…there wasn't a window by his bed…so where was the sun coming from…and…this wasn't his room. The body draped against his was the second giveaway. Groggily, but with some alarm, he pushed out from under the arm and leg that had draped over him during the night and stared at the strange man who was asleep next to him.

"What the hell did I do last night…?" He whispered to himself, still staring. His eyes flashed away from the half naked man to his own clothes which were just as they had been when he went to the family reunion the day before, if a bit rumpled and lived in now. Well…that was a little reassuring. A little. He climbed off the bed, the bliss of sleep was quickly fading, leaving behind it a sore body and the shadow of a headache from hell. Gohan searched around for his shoes and found them neatly tucked under the bed alongside two other pairs. He pulled them on and then searched for a clock. A clipped cussword signaled that he had found one and it told him that he was probably going to be late for work this morning. A wry laugh afterwards marked the instant that Gohan realized just how laughable it was that he was worried about getting to work on time when he didn't know where he was.

A door opened nearby and a second man walked into the bedroom wearing nothing but a towel around his waist and a silver chain that draped from his ear to his nose, his spiky black hair wet and limp from a shower.

"Good morning, Angel. I was just gonna try and wake you up. You sleep like a rock, you know that?" He greeted cheerfully.

Gohan blushed and had absolutely no idea what to say. "Um…" He glanced around the room for a second before looking back at the guy, very embarrassed. "Where…uh…I'm…going to be late for work…um…where am I?"

The guy smiled. "Not too far, I think. You told us this is your apartment complex, but you were out of it by the time we got here. We didn't know which one was yours. This is F. Which one is your apartment?"

Gohan almost sighed in relief. Oh thank goodness. At least a little of his tension faded, though he was still a little taken aback by waking up in bed with a total stranger…or two…but, that had happened at Hope too, hadn't it? Was that just the way things were with these people? Was everyone just so laid back and accepting that it didn't matter who you were or where you ended up? It seemed to Gohan that…a lot of the people he had met through Lian were just…so much more accepting and understanding than he ever thought was possible. They…took care of each other…was that how it was? Gohan ran his hand through his hair with the typical 'Son laugh'.

"Um…It's B, on the other side…uh…thanks… I mean, thanks for…looking out for me last night. I really can't remember much. I'm sorry I was such trouble."

The guy shrugged and went to rummage through his dresser. "Nah, wasn't any trouble. We wouldn't just dump you somewhere. You can crash with us whenever you want. 'Specially after hooking us up like that. What are neighbors for?"

Gohan quickly averted his eyes when the man carelessly dropped his towel and started to get dressed right in front of him. "Uh, yeah. Thanks anyway, though. Um…I should get going now…uh…"

"Tom." The guy replied, pulling on a pair of black jeans. He gestured to the man still snoring lightly in the bed. "And that lazy pile over there is Kris. No problem, Angel. See you later."

Gohan left, noting as he went that the small living room of the apartment that looked very similar to his, but with more windows, there was a bed on the ground in the corner and the couch also looked slept in. It seemed that sleepovers weren't uncommon here in Tom and Kris' apartment.

After waking up to sunlight in his eyes, it wasn't so bad walking to his apartment. It also helped that his headache was much much better than the day before, but it was still there. When he entered his apartment, he took out the bottle of pills still in his rumpled jacket and tossed it at the kitchen table, not caring where it landed. He wouldn't touch the stuff again, that was sure. It had really screwed him up yesterday and he still felt terribly guilty about it. It wasn't a good feeling. It was actually a very low down feeling. Why did he have to care so much? Why, when all he wanted was to not care. Just for a little while. Maybe everything would be okay…if he could just have a break….for a little while… Just a break from having to think and worry and pretend and go along with everything…a vicious cycle. Again, just like Sunday afternoon, he stripped off on his way to the shower, flinging his clothes haphazardly on the ground and stood under the hot spray, letting it wash everything away again.

Finished, he scrubbed the towel through his hair, not even considering brushing it and stared at his reflection in the mirror. The man in the mirror was pale and ghostly and drawn. He looked, in his own opinion, like shit. Dully, mechanically, he took his tried and true bottle of pills and tipped two into his mouth. Then, with equally as little thought, found a shirt to hide beneath and pulled on his rumpled blue jeans with the hole for his tail. He grabbed his pair of sunglasses from the table and resignedly made his way to work. An action that, later that day, he decided was his first mistake. He should have just stayed home and called in sick.

First, he was late to work, which wasn't specifically a terrible thing because the college was a rather laid back place to work. It was the mere fact that he was late, however, drew so much attention to him that, considering his recent hospitalization and hardships, everyone in the building felt the need to drop by and question how he was doing and see if he was "ok". It made him feel like some sort of sideshow. He wished that everyone would just leave him alone. He was late for work, Kamidamnit! Not poised to jump off a bridge or writhing in agony. Though, if this kept up, he just might get to that point.

On top of the throng of well wishers, there was a gargantuan load of work waiting for him because some new trainee in the neighboring department hadn't been trained right and no one found out until last Friday. So he had a month and a half of correction work to do before the semester deadline hit in a week. Of course, who got called on to fix everyone else's fuckups? Who got called on when the details weren't all in alignment? Who got called on when nobody else knew how to do it? Him. It was always him. He knew more about the inner workings of this college than the office director did, and what did it get him? It got him a pile of shit up to his eyeballs and a deadline that would give a team of auditors epileptic seizures.

And why was it always him?

Because, though his family may not have noticed and his loved ones might be blind, everyone at work knew that Gohan was a wiz at organization and making every detail fit perfectly and seamlessly until there wasn't a flaw to be found. It just came naturally to him. Except, lately, he just didn't have the energy for it anymore. Lately he just couldn't seem to get anything to balance. It had all flown out of his hands and scattered to the wind and he was left staring around himself in dismay because he just _couldn't_ get it into order again. He couldn't. That was what made this new burden at work so much more intense. Because it made him feel so helpless and ineffective and powerless that, while it all still fell easily into place on paper and in his computer at work, his life and everything else continued to spin into chaos and out of his control.

Lastly, his meds, which barely had lasted two hours to begin with, were now wearing off even faster than before. In the wake of his metabolism, his external relief had deserted him to make the way for that horrible tension to tie up his internal organs in knots and make his stomach burn. Even Lian's ever present good nature and bubbly personality did nothing to brighten his days during that first half of the week as his anal-retentive brain fixated on all these things and he worked doggedly through each entire workday and then stayed for half the evenings as well, long after everyone else went home. He lost track of everything but the slowly decreasing pile of shit on his desk and the bottle in his pocket. By Wednesday evening, he was two thirds closer to finishing altering files and recounting sums and reprocessing student id's and their combined fees and payments and amounts balanced or still owed. He was halfway to the deadline and almost to the bottom of the large bottle that sat on the desk beside him.

It was late, but the lights were still on. The cleaning crew had already come and gone around him, having moved off to other parts of the building. Gohan barely roused when hands shook his shoulders. His head lay cradled in his arms on his desk, his back cramped and sore from sitting still for so long. Silently, Gohan pushed up, his spiky, ruffled hair sticking up haphazardly, and turned glossy, bloodshot eyes to the person who was disturbing him, not focusing. The person moved over to his desk and pushed aside the stack of folders he had been working on and sat down on the edge. Gohan's eyes went to the pile and he automatically reached out to save it. "Don't do that…" He all but whined.

Lian smiled softly at him and began to rifle through the plastic bag in her hand, pulling out something and placing it in his hands. "Angel, you need a break."

Gohan looked uncomprehendingly at the paper wrapped burrito she had brought him. "I've got to finish. I've only got till Monday."

"Eat, Angel. You haven't eaten all week." Lian leaned back, relaxed against his monitor.

Gohan's eyes snapped up and finally focused on her in a sudden panic. "All week! All week! I've only got this week….What day is it!"

Lian frowned at him. "It's only Wednesday, Angel. Shhh…. You're out of it, man. You _need_ to take a break. You're gonna go nutz at this rate." She reached out and began unwrapping the burrito for him. "Eat this. I got it for you since you've been working so hard. I knew you'd still be here."

Gohan stared at the revealed burrito dumbly, really seeing it for the first time. Gosh…it smelled so good… He took one bite and nearly choked as he swallowed it whole. After a second's hesitation, he fell to devouring the rest ravenously. The entire thing was gone in minutes and then he sat there licking his fingers afterwards, paperwork completely forgotten.

Lian smiled and laughed. "I knew it. Have you even eaten at home? I know you haven't eaten here."

Gohan looked away sheepishly, avoiding her eyes. He looked over at the remaining pile of work with an expression of pained resignation. He started to reach for it again, but the blond caught his wrist deftly and pulled him away. Standing, she pulled him out of his chair and out of the cubicle. "Oh no, you don't. You are done for today and you're coming with me." She dragged him down the isle.

After a good fifteen feet, Gohan finally tried to pull back. "My pills…" He looked over his shoulder, but she wouldn't let him stop.

"Forget it, Angel. I've seen the way you've been popping them. They're just candy now. We'll get you something else." She tugged him out of the office and through the dark campus. The night air was cool and fresh compared to the re-circulated air he had lived in for the last three days and Gohan just let himself be pulled along. What was the point anymore? There really was no point. It was just existence. He was existing. What difference did it make where he existed? Kami…he hated his life. Nothing mattered. He let Lian drag him up the dark street.


	10. One More Ride

**Impaired  
**And now the interesting stuff begins. This chapter contains yaoi and sexual situations. I personally believe that it is relatively tasteful while still fun. I will now sit back and grin evilly. Buaha!  
**And That's Fine **

**Unwritten Law  
****"Rescue Me"**

Shut down  
Fallin over once again  
Dropped out  
Hand extended for a friend  
Looked up  
And there's you lookin in  
And who cares  
Cause no ones lookin anyway  
Impaired  
My vision lost it yesterday  
And that's fine  
Don't mind feelin that way

Just don't let me lie here by myself  
Let's go  
I know I'm faded  
Jump outta sight  
Tonight  
Just stay with me, I don't wanna go home  
Jump outta sight  
Tonight  
Just rescue me  
I don't wanna go

Rewind and take me back to start again  
Ducked out cause paranoia's settin in  
But I'm with you until the end  
One ride  
We'll drive around the parkin lot  
No pride  
Cause I don't seem to care a lot  
No cash  
This change is all I got

Just don't let me ride here by myself now  
Let's go  
I know I'm faded  
Jump outta sight  
Tonight  
Just stay with me, I don't wanna go home  
All right  
Tonight  
Just rescue me, I don't wanna go  
So sit still  
One last thrill  
Just stay with me and we'll never go home  
Jump outta sight  
Tonight  
Just rescue me and we'll never go home

Yeah we'll never go home Yeah  
I don't wanna go  
One more ride  
One time once again  
Just climb in  
I'm still climbing yeah  
One more ride  
One time once again  
Just climb in  
I'm still climbing

Jump outta sight  
Tonight  
Just stay with me, I don't wanna go home  
All right  
Tonight  
Just rescue me, I don't wanna go  
So set still  
One last thrill  
Just stay with me and we'll never go home  
Jump outta sight  
Tonight  
So rescue me and we'll never go home

**Characters **– Denizens of Hope and our favorite demi

**Warnings** – Angst, depression, cursing, drug and alcohol abuse, sexual situations, **Yaoi**.

**One More Ride**

The night was warm and the walk was slow, but Gohan paid no attention to any of it. He walked blindly with his head down, watching the cracks in the sidewalk slip past one by one. His overly analytical brain counted them as they appeared and disappeared. It was annoying, but every time he forced himself to stop he only found himself doing it again a second later. Finally he just closed his eyes and let Lian's warm hand and the sound of her footsteps lead him on.

But that didn't end his monotonously looping thoughts. Oh no…definitely not… Obsessively they continued on, determined to follow their path to the inevitable conclusion. …236 cracks…what he'd counted from the college sidewalk to Birch Street…round that up to about half the distance to Hope, give or take 30 yards…calculating that given plus/minus amount with an average of 3 ½ feet per crack… combined…the total distance to Hope would equal approximately 491 cracks…give or take 6…

Gohan, his eyes still shut tight, gave a whining groan and pressed his free hand over his face, wishing he could just stop it. Why did he have to be such an obsessive compulsive geek! Why couldn't he just stop! He'd been doing nothing but calculating numbers for three days. Any normal person wouldn't be able to think by now, but no! Not him! He couldn't stop! He didn't want to think anymore! Suddenly he was just so frustrated that his stomach knotted itself up in his abdomen and he wished that he hadn't eaten that burrito that Lian had brought because he could feel it rising in his throat.

The small hand distracted him by squeezing slightly and he heard Lian's voice flow soft and concerned through the air. "Angel?"

That name…why did she call him that? How could she ever have looked at him and thought that? He wasn't an angel. It made absolutely no sense to him and an abrupt annoyance flared up at her.

"I wish you wouldn't call me that!" He snapped at her, eyes still closed.

She was silent for a second, but then her voice reappeared and it didn't sound at all upset, merely light and conversational. "Why?"

Gohan's voice dropped from the testy snarl to a softer depressed tone that resembled more of a pout than anything else. "Because I'm not… It's not my name."

"Well…what is your name then?"

Gohan's lips turned downwards and he sighed. Didn't she know? That was depressing. Then again… Why was he getting all upset over this? Why was he snapping at Lian? She was the closest thing to a friend that he had…at least…now that he thought about it…he hoped she was…he'd…he'd never actually…asked… That's not really the sort of thing that you ask outright, is it? Whether someone is your friend or not? But here he was yelling at her about something that he really…didn't mind all that much…and just because he was frustrated and angry…he really was pathetic…to take this out on her. He answered the simple question with soft self loathing, feeling terrible both for pressing this and because of the tiny sting he felt from hearing her ask what his name was. Lian was probably going to be mad at him for being so grouchy and he deserved it.

"…Gohan."

There was a pause.

"Is that who you are?"

The question surprised him and he opened his eyes just a little, though he was still staring down at the passing sidewalk, his shoulders hunched tensely. He answered resignedly. "Yes."

He felt Lian press closer, hooking her arm with his, her voice still soft.  
"Is that who you want to be?"

Finally, Gohan glanced over at her. Her blue eyes stared up at him with earnest questioning. What kind of question was that? What did that mean? Did he want to be… His thought paused as some vague realization crept up upon his consciousness. It was still unformed, but there nonetheless. Lian helped to lend it shape when she spoke again.

"Someone told you who you were when you were born. Same thing happened to all of us. Are you that person? Or did you grow up to be someone else?"

Gohan stared at her open mouthed. He couldn't think of what to say. He almost couldn't understand what she had said. But…it felt…so… He stuttered as he failed to reply. "…i…I…"

Lian looked up at him and smiled reassuringly. "It's okay to feel that way. Most people do sometime."

Gohan stared back down at the ground as they walked. Who was he? Someone told him who he was when he was born… Yes. They did. And…was he…was he that person? That… He tried… He really had tried…so hard…to be that person. Kami…who was he? He stared helplessly down at the sidewalk and felt that utter futility fall over him once again like a shroud. He suddenly wanted to cry, but he pushed the pain down. He wouldn't break down in front of Lian. Not here on a sidewalk on the way to Hope.

All at once, he realized that he was counting the cracks in the sidewalk again and that was just the final straw. He stopped walking and pulled his arm from Lian's and pressed both his hands over his face, shutting out everything. Shutting out everything except what was frothing and fizzling inside him. He couldn't shut that out. He wanted to so badly! But he couldn't do it! It wouldn't leave! He couldn't get rid of it! Nothing he did was good enough! He wasn't strong enough! He was never strong enough! A helpless sob broke through his hands and he shuddered, trying in vain to suppress it.

Then thin arms wrapped around him and he was pulled into a comforting embrace. He hadn't expected that at all and it caused the lump in his throat to grow and choke him. It was such a strange feeling, to be held like this. It… He'd experienced it so…rarely. Physical contact was…for sparring…for fighting…for…brief relaxed exchanges at family reunions like a slap on the back or a handshake or at most a quick hug…or sex…now that was a fucking farce! In the frame of mind he was in right now, just the thought of Videl filled him with vile loathing. For himself…for her…for existence…

This…this…Kami! This embrace made it hurt more! …But… A tiny whimper escaped his clenched teeth and he let his hands fall away from his face and stooped to rest his cheek on Lian's shoulder, curling his arms around her as if she were a lifeline.

"Shhh…it's okay." She crooned softly. "It's alright to let it out."

Gohan tried to restrain himself, to keep his arms from squeezing her too tightly. He could hurt her so easily and, with all this pain inside, he probably wouldn't ever even notice until after...just like…just like…before… As that thought whispered through his mind it took on a horrific form and once again he saw the face of that boy in his mind's eye staring at him in such gory accusation…he saw it as real as it had been the first time, blue eye and bloody eye gazing at him with the conviction of a hellish specter promising him…swearing to haunt him to his dying day.

Gohan gasped and jerked away from her, his breath catching in his throat and his eyes again downcast, but not seeing anything anymore. His voice shook and he rubbed at his eyes, trying to compose himself. "No…no it's not…I'm sorry…"

He pressed palms over his eyes, barely cutting off another sob. "…I…I don't want to think anymore…I just…don't want to think…I don't want to think…I don't want to think…I don't want to think…" 'Am I hyperventilating?' He wondered absently as his mouth ran on automatic, his voice sounding shrill and filled with tears to his own ears.

A hand settled on his shoulder and fingers touched his lips, causing his babbling to stop. "Shhhh…"

He took a deep breath and let it out shakily. What was he acting like? He was acting like some psychotic little two year old. He had to get a grip on himself. Kami…if he didn't he would probably start to scare Lian… Fuck! He was scaring himself! He slowly rubbed his hands over his face again before letting them fall away.

"I'm sorry. I'm okay."

She didn't smile at him this time, but looked up at him with calm sympathy and…understanding. "Come on, Angel."

She took his hand again and led him on, glancing back at him. "Can I still call you Angel?"

Gohan closed his eyes again and followed obediently, his insides were so tight and tense, but he resigned that this was just what his life was going to be. That he just had to get used to it. He just had to deal. Somehow.

"Yeah." He agreed. Because who was he? He wasn't who he was supposed to be. So… What did it matter who he was?

* * *

Hope was astir with activity, though it was much more restrained than it had been during the weekend. There were less people crowding through the house. It was a more stable environment with smaller groups that seemed as if they were regulars at this midweek repose. Still, everything was very calm and quiet and restrained and…sleepy. Most of the people there either had classes or worked or both and had learned to respect the middle of the week while the weekends were free for all. So it wasn't hard for Gohan to avoid the strain of being friendly or even of making eye contact. He entered with Lian who took him to the kitchen and sat him down at the table with instructions for him to eat some of the numerous foods that were set on the counter in pots and pans and trays. Then she left with a promise to come back soon.

Gohan didn't eat, though. He felt so terrible that he thought he might throw up if he tried to force anything more into his stomach. He didn't want to eat. He didn't want to do anything. Except…maybe…sleep. It would be fantastic if he could just go to sleep and never wake up. He sat at the table and stared at the wood, unseeing as he absently rubbed at his left shoulder. His body was so tense that his shoulder had gone numb and was tingling. It was a nasty feeling, as if something were pinched inside of his flesh. It was something that he knew wouldn't go away until he loosened up a little, but couldn't help messing with it anyway even though his prodding and rubbing only made it hurt…and that in turn only made him irritable…which made him rub at it more…because…the hurt was good…and if it was gonna hurt…then for fucks sake there should be a reason…and if it was gonna hurt…then it should fucking HURT because…he deserved it… But then…it really did hurt and he had to deal with the pain and became miserable because of it and he didn't like that…but it was good…because he deserved to be miserable.

When Lian returned, Gohan had his elbows propped on the table and his head in his hands. His shoulder hurt a lot and the edges of his mouth tilted downward as his hollow gaze bored holes in the tabletop. She moved about the kitchen for a moment and then sat in the chair beside him with a glass of milk and a dark brown bottle about the size of a cold medicine bottle. She mixed some spoonfuls of the brown bottle's contents into the milk and then poured some chocolate mix into it and stirred until it was a rich dark color.

"Come and play with us." She pushed the drink into his hand and drew him along after her into the darkened halls of Hope.

* * *

Gohan sat silently on the couch in the small room, letting his left shoulder rest by leaning it on the arm of the couch. It was a room he didn't remember being in before. It adjoined the same hallway as the room where he'd first met Derek. This room was dim and warm with one window on the wall behind the couch and only a small lamp standing nearby the table where Lian and three others sat playing cards. A tv sat in the corner tuned to a music channel. The rest of the small room was taken up with small sitting cushions and beanbag chairs scattered along the walls.

Gohan had passed on the game and was now staring fixedly at the television in the hopes of convincing Lian and the two guys and another girl in the room that he was perfectly content to not be included. He finished the drink Lian had given him, whatever it had been, and took a beer can from the case that one of the guys had brought him and was now drinking that. Slowly, he began to feel better. Now that he was away from work and home and all that mess, Gohan was actively trying to take a break from it all. Even such a short break like blanking out his mind on Wednesday night before having to plunge right back into it all the next morning.

Tonight, even the warmth that spread through his body and loosened his limbs wasn't enough to make it all go away, though. He still sat silently and brooded. He drained the beer and set it on the end table next to another empty can, realizing dully that that had actually been his second beer tonight. He sighed. What he said to Lian earlier came back to him and he wondered if he could drink enough to be able to stop himself from thinking. To just make his mind shut down. He went and got two more beers and sat again. While the rest of the group laughed and joked and continued playing cards, Gohan drank and stared at the images that flashed by on the tv.

It was sometime later when a sudden weight on his lap roused Gohan into lifting his head from where it had fallen on the back of the couch. "Hmm?" He blinked up at Lian who smiled down at him.

"We're gonna put in a movie, you care which one?" She held up two choices which Gohan didn't bother trying to focus on. He really didn't care what was on. All he knew was that he was so drowsy and relaxed that it was too much effort to be depressed and that was good. That was exactly what he wanted.

"Whichever." He slurred softly and she climbed off his lap.

A few seconds or maybe minutes later, the players had gathered either on the couch or on the floor cushions and the light was turned off as the movie started. A larger weight than Lian settled beside Gohan on the couch, but he didn't even think about it until a deep voice spoke to him.

"Hey, Angel. I'm Jordan. Want another beer?"

Gohan looked at Jordon who was smiling through the dark at him. He waveringly took the can that the young man held out for him. "Yeah…thanxs." Jordon's skin was so fair that it almost glowed under the light from the tv and, even without his Saiyan sense of sight, Gohan could was sure he still could have made out every detail of the man's pale, freckled face.

"You been here before? Heard you're a friend of Lian's," Jordan asked.

Gohan had a little trouble cracking open the can. It almost seemed too much for him, but he managed at last. Stubborn little can. "Hm…yeah. Friends. We work together. I 'been here once." He took a sip of the beer and let his head fall back again. It was just too much effort to keep it up.

"Heh…cool." Jordan lowered his voice to a whisper as the movie started. "So…You ever do anything for fun?" he asked.

Gohan thought blearily about that. He never really thought about it before but he had an immediate answer for that question. The answer was "no." But he didn't say that, that just felt too…lame.

"I'm doing this…" he said with a lopsided shrug and took a long drink of his beer. It felt cool going down and he was so tired. His shoulder was feeling so much better now. He glanced over at Jordan again, his eyes refusing to focus. He couldn't see Lian but he could hear her talking animatedly with another girl. Gohan couldn't hold back a small smile as he listened, imagining her wild and energetic gestures as she fell totally into whatever subject they were discussing. He had missed that over the week. He'd been so sunken in his mire that he hadn't even been able to enjoy her limitless energy which had always been so amusing to him. Jordan smiled back and Gohan was confused for an instant until he realized that the man thought he was smiling at him. That in turn made Gohan smile wider. He didn't bother trying to straighten things out. It wasn't important.

"I dunno…I guess I should do more." Gohan continued, turning his face forward again and watching the tv screen with little interest.

The guy was still looking at him, but he didn't mind. "Sure, it's always good to have a little more fun."

Conversation died out as the movie continued. Gohan wasn't watching it, though. He sat there sipping his beer with his eyes closed. He couldn't keep them open. He finally set down the empty can next to the others and counted them. There weren't enough to put him out like this. So it must be whatever Lian had given him earlier. Gohan resolved that he'd have to ask her what it was sometime and thank her. She always seemed to know what to do. He envied her for that.

In the doorway a girl appeared with a few more friends and a large clear bottle in her hand. Gohan wasn't sure if she had been part of the group this evening or if she was new. Not that he thought about it more than that momentary internal question.

"Look at what I've got for everybody!" She said excitedly.

Glasses were passed around and everyone took advantage of the gift she brought, laughing and sprawling over one another as sitting room became scarce. Time went by slowly at first, seeming to drag onward. Then Gohan opened his eyes and found that the movie was nearly over already and half the people in the room had vanished while the few that were left were either engrossed in the movie or passed out.

His head nodded downward and he looked at the glass that he still held in his lap. It was half full of clear liquid. He raised it unsteadily and looked at it, trying to focus his eyes as the glass blurred in and out. His sides still ached from laughing. Laughing? Yes…that's what it was… What had he been laughing at? The movie? He couldn't remember. Only that they'd all been laughing and his sides hurt still. He chuckled softly to himself, and then tipped up the glass. He swallowed the rest of the liquid and sighed as a flood of heat rushed to his stomach. "Mmmmm…"

After sitting still for a long moment, he leaned forward to set the glass on a tv tray along with the rest and almost fell off the couch. He caught hold of the couch arm at the last second, though, somehow forcing his butt to stay seated. The strain caused his shoulder to crack and he winced, pushing back and moving his weight off of it.

"Ow…" Then he chuckled softly again, amused despite the instant of discomfort. When he leaned back, he glanced over to see that Jordan was watching him instead of the movie again. He looked just as glassy eyed as Gohan thought he himself must be. Gohan grinned at him sheepishly. "What is that stuff again?" He asked.

The guy smirked, his words slurring badly. "Fig Vodka. Shhtuffs shhweet, ain't it?"

"…yeah." Gohan licked his lips, tasting remnants of the sugary alcohol. "I like that stuff. It's like…wow…like…happy." He laughed at himself again.

He glanced around the guy at the two girls at the other end of the long couch and realized that they weren't watching the movie. They were asleep, leaning against each other so that he had first thought that they were still awake. "Heh…I think Lian…'s had a little too m…much tonight." He stuttered out sleepily and leaned back onto the guy's waiting arm.

His head lolled over on the back of the couch to look at the guy who was now sitting facing him with his arm along the back of the couch beneath Gohan's neck. The demi blinked up at him curiously, wondering why he wasn't watching the movie anymore.

"Am I that interesting?" He asked slowly, concentrating on keeping his tongue in line. He wasn't bothered by the guy, just uncertain why he was looking at him so intently.

The guy smirked and gave a lopsided grin. "Yeah."

Gohan just smirked back and asked with a goofy laugh. "Why am I that interesting? I'm boring." He shifted slightly, turning and curling his knees up onto the couch, laying on his side against the seatback now, resting his chin on Jordan's arm.

The guy shrugged and continued looking down at him. "You with Lian?"

Gohan's brow creased as he looked up at the guy, then he understood what he was asking. "Oh. No. Jus' friends. Jus' coworkers…" He let his heavy eyes fall shut and sank a little further into the cushions. He felt light headed and heavy. The stray thought passed by that said he was going to pass out. The feeling was becoming a familiar one. He wanted to be in a comfortable position when it happened.

Light fingers trailed up his thigh, dancing over his hip and circling along his waist. "You with anybody?"

Gohan pried his eyes open slightly and frowned. He couldn't focus again. "Hmmm? Um, no. Not anymore." Then his breath caught as fingers ruffled under his shirt against the fur of his tail which was securely threaded through the belt loops of his pants.

The guy looked down and squinted as if not sure what he was touching. "Whas' that?"

Gohan tried to rouse himself but he just couldn't, he was too relaxed. He took a breath and hummed softly before trying to control the furry limb. It flopped and that was it. "Nnnnn…tha…that 'smy tail… It's…sno big deal…forget it."

The guy leaned closer, peering at it. "A…tail? Really? Really real tail?"

Gohan closed his eyes and lay there, too out of it to be bothered. "Yeah."

"Can I see?"

The demi just mumbled incoherently, then there were fingers touching his tail. Softly they slid over the fur, slowly petting. It felt good. Then those fingers were sliding his tail free of his pants until the entire length was laid out and twitching in the guy's lap. He continued to stroke it, gently running his fingers along, moving further upwards until he was dragging his hands from the base to the tip and back again.

Gohan shivered and sighed and opened his eyes to watch the other man. He was obviously enthralled by the furry limb and Gohan found himself moving along with those fingers and arching into their touch. His breath was coming in shallower pants and sighs and soon, when those fingers stroked just right, he moaned, his head falling backwards on the man's arm. It was so…wow!

Jordan was looking at him again, his green eyes were blearily sharp even through the drunken haze, but Gohan didn't care. His own hands were digging into the couch cushions. The tingling that normally came when he let someone touch his tail had long since disappeared, replaced by a much more heady pleasure that banished all logical thought.

Then he was pushed back until his shoulders leaned on the arm of the couch and the taste of Vodka flooded his senses. Gohan groaned as Jordan's slippery sweet tongue slid against his own and brushed the roof of his mouth leaving a cool tingling trail.

He…

He…

He was…kissing him…

The other man's body pressed so close… Gohan instinctively tried to lean back and away but he was cornered. All the movement did was cause him to slide down on the cushions and then Jordon was settled between his legs and… Gohan broke the kiss and gasped, his eyes rolling toward the ceiling as…as… "Hah…ahhhhhhhhh…" He groaned and bit his lower lip as Jordan ground their hips together. That was when he realized just how aroused he was and a hot blush rose up in his already alcohol flushed cheeks. "J…Jordan…"

He started to protest, not sure just what he was going to say, but fingers stroking through the fur of his tail turned the words into a breathy moan and he arched beneath the other male, bucking upwards as fingernails scraped lightly on his skin. "…Kami! …s…"

Jordan's mouth covered his again, licking and nipping at his lips, sliding his tongue inside once more. It felt like the other male was trying to drink him in just like that Vodka and Gohan moaned a third time, his hands reaching up and settling on the other's shoulders. Weakly, Gohan pushed against his shoulders.

It was a moment before the drunk human responded to the push, but he finally pulled back slightly, leaving Gohan panting and breathless, his head resting on the arm of the couch. "…st…hah…please…stop…"

Jordan looked at him with confusion, their noses brushing, their swift breaths hot on each other's cheeks. "What's s'matter?" He whispered and shifted slightly and it was all Gohan could do not to roll his pelvis against the friction.

"…uh…" Gohan couldn't think straight. He could barely control his body. "…I…I'm…I…never…not…you…just it's…" He looked away from Jordan's curious features and blushed even more furiously.

Jordan looked at him for another moment, a confused frown making him look almost cute in the dark. Then his expression brightened. "Never been with'a guy?"

Gohan couldn't look at the man. He tried to look at anything but him. The end scene was playing on the tv. He still didn't know what the movie had been about.

Jordan turned Gohan's face to look at him, a smile on his shapely mouth. "S'okay. Sorry I scared ya…Jus, I thought…you're so han'some…thought you knew."

He leaned forward and kissed Gohan again, softly and chastely this time. Just lips to lips and lingering there for a moment. Gohan's breath caught and he didn't move. Jordan rubbed noses with him and repeated the soft kiss and the demi's eyes fluttered closed. A tremor flashed over his body and deep inside, his stomach was trembling. But…this…felt…it felt good. Jordan kissed him a third time and Gohan timidly responded. He could feel Jordan smiling against his mouth. A questing tongue lapped gently and his lips parted for it.

Jordan didn't force his way this time. He merely licked at Gohan's parted lips, sliding his tongue along the edge of Gohan's teeth until the demi dared to meet him. It was breathtaking, the feeling of their tongues entwining, so slowly, so easily, so openly. Gohan found himself reaching up to taste the younger man, to curl his tongue around the other's. It sent a liquid warmth through him that pooled in his groin. It wasn't long before the kiss turned hungry as the tension slowly grew and their heavy breathing filled the room as the end credits of the movie played.

Then a warm hand slipped beneath Gohan's pants and groped downwards, fingers cupping and grasping and sliding… Gohan gasped sharply, his own hand fumbling to catch Jordan's wrist as he arched and writhed, wanting to buck into his hand and leap away at the same time. "Ah! No…wait! …I…wait…I can't…don't…" His voice was rasping and slurred worse than ever and now it carried an almost panicked edge. He pried Jordan's hand away and disentangled himself from the other man desperately, tripping over himself in the process and ending up fallen on someone else who was passed out in a beanbag chair on the floor.

"What, man? Wha s'wrong?" Jordan was still half laying on the couch, a very obvious bulge pushing out his pants and a bright flush on his cheeks beneath glazed, disappointed eyes.

Gohan tried to catch his breath and pushed off of the person who was still out cold. He stumbled and had to catch himself on the card table because his legs weren't responding like they should. "I…I can't…s…sorry…"

Then he stumbled out the door and into the hallway where he retreated as quick as he could to the end. There he ducked left through the door and slammed it shut, leaning on it heavily. After a minute he fumbled for the light switch. When the room finally flooded with light, Gohan had to cover his eyes. It was so bright compared to the rest of the house. After a few stabilizing gulps of air, he fumbled with the handle to lock the door and then moved through the bathroom to slump on the toilet seat. He leaned back, his head resting on the wall, still gasping for breath. Kami! He was so hard that it hurt! And he'd been making out with another man! What the hell was he coming to! He was making out with a man, a total stranger! And he liked it! And…and…he almost wanted to go back there and keep on doing it! What was wrong with him! He groaned and rubbed his palm over the front of his stretched jeans and his eyes rolled up. Kami, it had been so long since he had been this turned on by anyone! But…but it was a guy!

He let his hand roam up and down, feeling the caress through the denim. He was so horny now! His tail lashed, thumping on the toilet bowl loudly. He couldn't go out like this. He couldn't imagine trying to walk like this! He barely made it to this bathroom. His pants were so tight that it hurt. Fumbling, he unbuttoned and pressed the zipper down to relieve some of the pressure and groaned again, twitching just from the friction of movement. Freed, he hesitated for an instant before closing his eyes and slowly letting his fingers glide over bare skin. He hissed softly and rolled his hips. He was so fucking hard! He couldn't just let this go away, it wouldn't go away and…ah…it felt so good… He gripped himself and began stroking lightly.

This messed up situation was not lost on him even despite the sexual and alcoholic daze he was in. He knew that he'd just made out with a stranger in plain view in someone else's house with all sorts of people just right around the corner and even in the room with them and now he was in someone else's bathroom (a bathroom that he knew that at least three people had had sex in last Friday) and jacking off because he ran away from the guy before things got too far. Oh…things had already gone too far. But now…now… He bit his lip to keep down the moan as he remembered what it had felt like to have Jordan's hand wrapped around his erection. His hand slid quicker and he arched and strained on the toilet seat, his legs tensing and pressing hard enough on the tub opposite him that the molded plastic creaked. His hand gripped tighter while the other slipped between his thighs and rubbed through the denim. "Ahmmmm…"

He cut off the gasp, closing his lips tightly against it as he palmed his balls through the tight jeans. Then his eyes flashed open and he snatched at the toilet paper, covering himself with a handful of it as he bucked sharply three times, his mouth open in a silent cry. Tense like a bowstring, he stayed arched off the seat for a long few seconds before slumping bonelessly.

He sat there, nearly sliding off the toilet seat, his head resting on the tank, and tried to catch his breath. He hadn't cum that easily since puberty. Hell! He hadn't been that turned on since puberty! And…damn…he was tingling from head to toe… He didn't think he could stand at all now, the room was spinning and he was lightheaded, so he just stayed there. When he roused again, he didn't know how much time had gone by, but he was sticky and sore. Climbing to his feet, he leaned on the sink for balance as he numbly cleaned himself up. Then, with dragging, scuffing steps, he left the bathroom and meandered back down the hallway. He was so…lightheaded. He almost fell a few times on the way back to the dark room. Once he found it again, he leaned on the door jam and peered inside. His head kept nodding forward but he raised it again each time and refocused his eyes. Jordan was gone and so was one of the girls on the couch. The one left was…Lian. Gohan moved into the room and tripped over someone, sprawling on the ground with a loud thump and a pained grunt.

"Angel?"

Gohan opened his eyes to the dark room. It was spinning all around him. He pressed a hand over his eyes in an effort to stop it.

"Angel?" Lian's voice came again.

"Yeah?" Gohan's voice rasped in his throat.

"Are…you o…okay?" She asked, stumbling over her own tongue.

Gohan rolled off of his bad shoulder and climbed to his knees. His shoulder throbbed painfully. "Yeah."

A warm hand touched his arm. "Come get some sleep, Angel."

He let her draw him up to the couch and flopped down. Her small figure curled up next to him and he laid his left arm over her. Then his eyes fell closed again and he slept with the sweet taste of fig Vodka still on his tongue.


	11. Further Inside

**Watching You Descend  
**Holy crap. It's been a while! And in trying to get back into the swing of things, I discovered that chapter 6 was missing a whole section! So that's been fixed if anyone reads these things. It was an integral part of the story! I'm going to try to finish this fic before I let it sit for so long again. I'll try my best. Hope you all will bear with me. I've got a new job where I should have the time to think about my writing more.  
**I'm Hovering Instead**

**Trust Company – Hover**

You take me down, further inside of me  
Now I'm fading out, I can barely see  
I hover

To see you leave again, it's over  
And it kills me to watch you descend, to the end

Can't think straight  
Shutting me out - closing me out  
Are you trying - hurting  
Taking me out - leaving me out  
Keeps me struggling  
You're leaving

You take me down, further inside of me  
Now I'm fading out, I can barely see  
I hover

to see you caving in, I'm undone  
And to say it's the last time again  
It's the end

Can't think straight  
Shutting me out - closing me out  
Are you trying - hurting  
Taking me out - leaving me out  
Keeps me struggling  
I'm leaving

You take me down, further inside of me  
Now I'm fading out, I can barely see  
I hover

I'm watching you descend  
I'm hovering instead  
I'm watching you descend  
I'm hovering instead

You take me down, further inside  
Now I can see through you

You take me down, further inside of me  
Now I'm fading out, I can barely see  
I hover  
I hover  
I hover  
I hover – again

* * *

A warm hand touched his arm. "Come get some sleep, Angel." 

He let her draw him up to the couch and flopped down. Her small figure curled up next to him and he laid his left arm over her. Then his eyes fell closed again and he slept with the sweet taste of fig Vodka still on his tongue.

* * *

**Characters** – Cameos by Videl, Bulma, Vegeta. Also various original characters for plot furtherance. 

**Warnings** – Minor character death, dark, suicide, drug and alcohol abuse, and of course cursing, angst, and depression.

**  
Further Inside**

It's a grim, hopeless, grumbly sort of misery that all too many and all too few ever really understand. It's the sort of feeling that…for those who do understand it…they know that no matter how terrible it feels it is something to crave and love and cherish. They cling to it and cannot fathom existence without this misery to ground them and offer them concrete, irrefutable proof of the solidarity of their own existence.

It's the only real proof they can get.

Those that do not understand this need cannot fathom such strained logic. These people are easily known by the singular and confused question which they never fail to ask.

"Why?"

Those that understand and feel the continuous destruction of their souls one moment at a time can only look on incredulously. Because there is no answer. There is only the reality of feeling…of needing… There are no words.

Only affects.

This existence does not require words, but the absence of thought.

They don't want to think.

Thinking is agony.

* * *

Lian was right. The pills were like candy now. He could barely feel anything from them. It was eleven in the morning and he had barely gotten any work done. He couldn't concentrate, he couldn't sit still, and his shoulder _throbbed_. It was that deep, thick throb that seemed to emanate from the very bone. Add to that how his eyelids kept drooping tiredly and how the numbers in front of him kept blurring and smudging…he just couldn't do it. 

He just wanted to find someplace cool and quiet to lie down and sleep in. He couldn't help but be grateful that his shoulder hurt so much, contrary as that feeling was, because it made the ache between his temples feel dull in comparison. Otherwise he didn't think he could possibly withstand this suffering. Thankfully, Sofie had finally relented from her annoyingly invasive queries into his health. Her concern was so disgustingly sugary and so false feeling…he couldn't make himself feel bad for snapping at her earlier, even if he knew he should.

He sat in his cubicle with his head pillowed on one arm on the desk.  
Adrift.

Not only was he in pain, but he also suffered from a horrifically deep seated mortification that continuously drew sobbing groans from him whenever he allowed his mind to wander far enough for the cause to take over his thoughts. The worst thing…or maybe it wasn't the worst thing…but it was one of the things that really bothered him…was that he couldn't even remember the guy's name anymore. He'd almost…and he didn't even remember who it was…he just remembered…that…he almost…and then…afterwards…and… He whimpered and covered his head with his other arm, ignoring the twang as his shoulder protested the contorted angle. If his mother only knew…or Videl…or anyone! God, if anyone ever knew what he was doing and what he had done and how much he liked doing it all and…and…what he really was…

He was such a loss. He was supposed to be so much better than he was. He was supposed to be so…so much more. He didn't even know. He couldn't even fathom what he was supposed to be. He was so far below any of it that he couldn't dream of really ever understanding what he was supposed to be. He once could. He once knew exactly what he should be. He was so good at pretending it. What happened? Where did he lose that? How did he lose it? How did it all fall down and crumble so thoroughly? What was he now?

He was nothing. Nothing. And yet…and yet…he was… He was almost relieved. He couldn't understand it. How could he, somewhere deep down inside, be happy to be such a lost fuckup? How could he be so conflicted that he was happy to know…to finally _know_…that he just couldn't do it? He was a failure. But at least he knew that he'd failed something that he couldn't possibly succeed at. He didn't fail because he hadn't tried hard enough. He was a failure because he just…wasn't capable. It was a weight off his shoulders…even while he wanted to cry for the death of his doomed charade.

The phone rang, once, twice, three times, echoing through his skull shrilly until his hand thumped heavily onto the receiver, lifting it to his ear as if it weighed a hundred pounds.

"…yes…hello…" His voice was thick and heavy and lodged stubbornly in his throat.

He kept his eyes closed when he recognized the sharp no-nonsense voice on the other end of the line, but his brow still furrowed in pain. He reined in the sudden impulse to hang up like any good boy would.

"Gohan!" For a second Videl must have had trouble recognizing his voice. "Gohan! Bulma wants us at the Lewis building. Right now! I guess there's some kinda nutjob there and he's threatening people or something. She probably called the others, but it'll take them forever…"

He let her ramble on, having stopped listening after the first sentence. A horrible icy lump had lodged in his belly from the very first word.

"Videl…I'm at work…" 'Kami, I sound so whiney,' he thought with embarrassment.

There was a pause as the woman went silent. It was only a short respite.

"Work? Work! You're at _work_! Damn it Gohan, this is important! Bulma wouldn't have called us if it weren't really important!"

He groaned into his arm as she started yelling. Again. It's always yelling with her… Plus…he really didn't want this. He dreaded it.

"Videl…I can't just leave… I've got work to fin…"

She wouldn't even let him finish his sentence, much less anything else.

"You're damn right you have work to do! And you're going to do it, Gohan! I've given you time! We've all given you time! But enough is enough. Get your ass out here and start doing something again! You haven't even gone on patrol for weeks! I've had to keep this city under control all by myself! Get your ass over there, Gohan! Bulma needs us!" The line went dead.

Throughout the woman's ranting, he'd begun to finally rouse. He sat up, constantly shot down every time he tried to speak, the cubicle filling with unintelligible words that were half uttered and then bitten off when not given enough room to form. His expression darkened more and more as Videl continued to talk over him, never listening. Not that she ever listened to him. No one listened to him! It's not like he ever had anything important to say! Why should anyone listen to him?

When the line went quiet, he sat there, staring at the receiver, his jaw worked silently and his face twisted into an odd contortion of pain and hurt and anger. When his throat did finally loosen enough, the sound that emerged was more like a shrill, angry sob than anything else and in his frustration he grabbed the phone base and flung it. He did not need this! Didn't need this! And his headache…was now so much worse…Kami…make it stop… But he knew from experience that this wouldn't go away any time soon. None of this would go away.

Standing so sharply that his chair flipped onto its side, he stomped out of the office oblivious not only to the phone imbedded into the plaster wall, but to all the shocked eyes peeking at him over the multitude of cubicle walls as well. At the exit, Lian's worried voice kept him from attempting to tear the door off its hinges.

"Angel? What's wrong?"

He stopped stiffly and gritted his teeth, pausing to take a slow, heavy breath.  
"Nothing! I have to go… I'll…see you later…"

Then he stepped out into the noonday light and immediately shielded his hyper sensitive eyes, endeavoring to suppress the urge to vomit as his delicate stomach knotted painfully with every step. Hadn't he sworn he'd never do this again? He had! Whether he was referring to the drinking or to the supposed superhero-ing he was being forced into, he couldn't be sure. He groaned softly. At any rate, he was almost sure that he'd decided the last time that it wasn't worth this horrible feeling. He really felt like shit. Shit on hot pavement that had been run over multiple times by a tractor-trailer.

He didn't want to go. But he went. Because that's what he was supposed to do and he always did as he was told. Like a puppy dog. Heel, boy! Good boy. He was pathetic, yes! He knew it. There was no surprise there.

He walked quickly, looking for someplace he could… He touched his wrist and abruptly stopped short. He didn't have it… He hadn't worn it since that catastrophe. He wasn't even sure what had happened to his "watch" after he'd accidentally let loose its bloody contents in his bedroom. He groaned again. Yet another thing… Did it really matter? He'd only fuck things up anyway. Stepping into an alley between buildings, he gathered his energy about himself with some difficulty. It was so hard to concentrate with his head feeling like it was going to split down the center. He made one last check to make sure no one was around…and then gathered his energy with only a little strain.

The flight was a short one. The Lewis building was one of many owned or sponsored by Capsule Corp. Bulma owned just about everything in town from computer factories to the hospital to even a portion of the college. The Lewis building was a large, multi story complex near the hospital and bordering the park. It was a combination daycare and pre-school for all the families employed by Capsule Corp. What could possibly be happening there?

Even with how quick the trip was, Gohan already felt fatigued by the time he touched down on the roof. Maybe he had been pushing himself too hard lately. He barely had the will to keep his flight steady and he even stumbled when he landed. He placed his hands against his temples with a quietly pained sound…damn, his head hurt… He paused for a moment trying to will away the horrible feeling of having congealed jelly smothering his brain, but it stubbornly refused to budge. Finally, he let his hands fall and moved to the roof entry of the building, trying to stretch his senses out enough find where Bulma might be and trying not to think too loudly at the same time.

* * *

Anguish 

This is the beginning of desperation.  
Anguish is love lost.  
Anguish is a mind encased in selfish grief.  
Anguish is lost chances and bad choices.  
Anguish is a life without purpose or meaning.

Gary was in Anguish and it was Laurinda's fault.

That was all he could think as he stared at the woman screaming at him. It was all her fault! Why did she have to go and do this? She only made everything harder.

"You just want to ruin everything!" He clutched the crying little girl in his arms as he shouted back.

"Gary! You're scaring her! Just let her go! Just stop it!"

He only hugged the girl tighter, cupping the back of her head and shushing her tenderly before yelling back again. "Not me! You did this! This is your fault!"

Bulma stepped up beside Laurinda to confront Gary as a united front. "Look, Mr. Locke. I know that this is a delicate situation. We can talk this out. We can talk everything out. But please…we're all tense. Why don't we take this into a more private setting? Look at little Sarah. She's crying, Mr. Locke. She's scared to death. You don't want your daughter to be scared of you…"

Gary looked down at the girl in his arms with a pained sort of sorrow and whispered against the poor little girl's blond hair. "I'm sorry, honey… It's okay, baby. Don't cry…" He looked back up at Laurinda angrily. "She wouldn't have to go through this if you didn't make her! I won't let you take my baby away from me!"

He then began to back away from the women and toward the elevators behind him, ignoring all the people on the floor crowding in doorways along the hallway to watch. Bulma pointed accusingly at Gary as if she might stop him dead with her firm gaze.

"Oh no you don't! Vegeta! Don't you dare let him walk out of here!"

At that same moment a door at the far end of the hall slammed open to make way for the garishly helmeted figure of Saiyagirl in a strikingly foe stopping pose. It was a laughably serious looking pose…in that the striker of it was, in fact, completely serious.

Bulma glared at the heavily muscled Saiyajin who was leaning against a blank wall only a dozen feet away, a distinctly annoyed expression on his face. It was obvious that Vegeta completely loathed being here and that he had absolutely no intention of getting involved with such a pathetic scene. He was a warrior, not a peace keeper. What had the woman been thinking when she called him? She'd obviously been spoiled, having powerful men standing by supposedly idle! He was not her personal security system waiting to be called whenever she felt so inclined and he certainly wasn't some sort of human counselor or sitter. He didn't move an inch under her barked order. Bulma made a frustrated sound before giving up and looking past Vegeta to the costumed Videl.

"Saiyagirl! Don't let him take Laurinda's girl out of this building!"

Videl cast what might have been a withering glare if not for her helmet's obstruction at Vegeta and then leapt into a run, sprinting down the hallway toward the evil miscreant that was daring to abscond with this woman's innocent child! Obviously she disagreed with the heartless Saiyan. It was her self appointed business to right wrongs and safeguard the blameless and she intended to do exactly that, even if she had to do it all by herself. Where the hell was Gohan! She threw herself into an impressively ridiculous pose, shouting her catch phrases about justice and virtue and so forth.

Unfortunately Gary had already pressed the button for the elevator doors to close.

* * *

Gohan stood there in a wretched daze, his gaze snapping up from the floor only when a shrill child's cries echoed through the open doors of the elevator. He looked up just in time to see an angry Bulma and masked Videl standing by a hysterical woman. As he blinked, the doors closed and he looked over at his new companion in the elevator. He was confused and still scatterbrained enough that he didn't react at all when the man pressed the button for the ground floor. The last thing he heard from beyond the closed doors was a muffled angry female voice. 

"Gohan! Stop him!"

Gary and Gohan stared at each other and the little girl cried harder.  
"…Um…"

The red eyed father turned away from him, his attention taken up with hurriedly trying to calm his daughter. It wasn't until she quieted that he looked back at Gohan.

"What are you doing here, Angel?"

Gohan's eyes got even wider, not hiding his shock at all at yet again being recognized under that name. People from Hope really seemed to get around. It felt so odd hearing that name coming from someone other than Lian. "Uh…well…those were…my friends up there…"

Gary suddenly turned a suspicious glare on Gohan. "You're not going to try and stop me, Angel! You've got no right to keep my baby girl from me!"

Gohan held up placating hands, not wanting to fight with the desperate and angry parent. At all. He'd had enough of fighting with people who knew him. "Hey! I don't even know what's going on…um…" He searches his foggy aching memory for the man's name. His face was only vaguely familiar. …G…Gu…Gur… Greg! …no, not Greg. Greg was an asshole… Gr…Grrrr…Gurrryyy… Gary! That was it!  
" Gary?"

The distressed father relaxed a little when Gohan showed that he did indeed remember him.  
" Gary… What _is_ going on?"

Gary wiped at his eyes and sank down to cuddle the still sobbing little girl. "I'm sorry, sweetie. I didn't mean to scare you. Daddy was just upset…everything is gonna be okay. You'll see. Shhh." The girl finally does quiet and he looks up at Gohan.

"My girlfriend says she wants full custody. She says she's moving away. She wants to take her out of the state! I won't let her take my little girl away!"

Gohan sank down as well, a knot rising in his throat at the sight of the anguished father and his upset daughter. Even though he didn't know Gary that well, he was pretty sure that the man was one of Lian and Derek's friends. That made him a nice guy. And for something like this to happen to him…it wasn't fair. He reached out, settling a hand on Gary's arm.

"I'm sorry." He said softly. "But… Gary…you know that this won't help anything…"

Gary sobbed into his daughter's hair. "She…she said she's gonna prove I'm a deadbeat dad and they'll give her anything she wants. They always take the woman's side…"

Was _this_ why Bulma called them? To help keep this father from his child? Kami…it wasn't right… He tried to swallow the lump in his throat and sighed.

"You know…you can't do it this way, Gary. They won't let you leave the building." He felt so terrible saying that to the man. "You know she'll use this against you if she does go to court."

Gary nodded miserably. "I didn't know what else to do…"

Gohan squeezed his arm and then, after a hesitation, leaned in and pulled the two into an uncertain hug. This close he could feel Gary shake, he was actually shaking. He was just as scared as his little girl. That knowledge made the bands on his chest tighten even more as he searched for what to say. He was supposed to help, to do something useful…but… What Bulma and Videl wanted? But he had to do something… "This is only going to make things worse for her…we…we'll think of something… I'll help you, okay?"

Gary accepted the embrace and nodded into Gohan's shoulder.  
"…okay, Angel. …okay…"

The elevator doors opened to reveal a brightly colored, insect-oid Saiyagirl with a triumphant grin. "Gotcha, miscreant!"

Her jaw dropped when the image of the two men holding each other in what could only be described as an awkwardly emotional moment finally registered.

Gary wiped his eyes again and stood, hugging his girl a last time. "Come on, honey. I'm so sorry…go with this lady, she'll take you back to mommy."

The little girl began to cry again, but this time she clung to her father fearfully. "Daddy! Please don't go, daddy! I wanna stay with you! I'll be good! I promise! Don't go away! I don't want to go away!"

Gary pressed her into Videl's arms. "It's okay, sweetie. I promise…everything will be okay… I'll see you later. I promise, okay?"

He turned away with his hand over his eyes, a severe frown dragging his lips downwards.  
"Take me outa here, Angel…please? I…god…I can't handle this…"

"…Yeah…yeah, come on. We'll go." Gohan curled an arm around Gary's shoulders, and guided him away. He didn't think he could handle this either. He felt so low, so terrible, and Gary looked so beaten.

Videl stood there stunned. "Hey! Gohan! Where the hell are you going! He can't just walk out of here! And…did he just call you angel? Gohan! Gohan, come back here!"

Gohan cast an angry glare over his shoulder at Videl and ignored her commands "Back off! Just fucking back off! I'm doing something _useful_ and _important_! Just like you said! I hope you and Bulma are satisfied now!" He snarled back at her.

Bulma burst from another elevator just in time to hear Gohan's snappish retort. "Gohan? Hey, what's that supposed to mean? Hey! Get back here! He can't just leave! Hey!"

Vegeta stepped out of the elevator with much more dignity and watched the scene and the two males walking away with an unmoved and predictably uncaring expression, but when Bulma moved to go after them he finally spoke up.

"Leave it be, woman! You've meddled enough. Let the human's solve their own problems! And let him find his own way as well. The last thing any of us need is more of your screeching!"  
Then he too turned and stalked away.

"And where do you think _you're_ going!" Bulma shouted at Vegeta's back.

The Saiyan just snorted as he continued away. "Back to what I was doing before you interrupted me for this nonsense. Training."

Gohan wasn't sure why he felt so connected to Gary. It wasn't as if he even really remembered hanging out with him much at Hope. Maybe it was because they had expected him to help keep the man's daughter away from him. And he had, in a way. He wondered as he walked Gary away from all that, what might have happened if he had helped him get away instead of talking him out of trying to take the girl. It was obvious that Gary cared very much for the child even though he was so very young himself. It must have been hard for him to be a parent before he even started college. It wasn't fair to take away something he loved so much. It wasn't right.

He couldn't help but wonder what he would have done before all this. Everything had seemed simpler before, hadn't it? He wasn't sure. Maybe he just hadn't let himself think about it all so much. Would he have just blindly done as he was told? Did he really sound like Videl when he was Saiyaman? He hated that name even more now. It didn't stand for heroism and justice anymore, if it ever had. Now that alter ego only embodied all of his wasted efforts, all of his empty attempts to live up to a life that he wanted so badly and couldn't have. It was a foolish playact, trying desperately to grab for something that wasn't for him…and wasn't even real. It wasn't real. If this was justice and this was right…then everything he ever wanted to believe in…wasn't real.

They walked along in gloomy silence, letting their feet lead the way. Gohan was only vaguely surprised when he looked up to see the steps of Hope looming quietly in front of them. They walked up those stairs, wood creaking beneath their shoes with each purposeful step. It had been so long since he'd felt this feeling. As he walked up to the door, hand grasping the knob and turning it, pulling the aged portal open and following Gary into the quiet gloom and breathing in the air that was so very unique to Hope. He hadn't felt this in so long. So very long. He wasn't even sure what this feeling was, but it felt good and he could breathe. He could just breathe here without the fear of suffocating.

* * *

The carpet was rough and heavily trodden by years of sudo-fraternity life. It smelled of stale booze and smoke along with a myriad of other scents. He thought he could breathe those smells for eternity.

He couldn't be more content laying on that carpet, taking in those scents and staring blurrily up at the white ceiling. His ears were ringing and he felt the world spinning around him marvelously fast. So fast that it made him spill booze on himself when he tried to take a drink of…whatever it was the bottle contained. He couldn't taste it anymore. He could only feel the heat as it flowed down his throat and into his belly. After a few minutes he realized that Gary's voice was floating softly through the ringing.

"…dunno what I was thinking…must have been crazy…ain't got anythin'…really better off…it's better this way…"

Gohan rolled over to look at the equally intoxicated man sitting against the foot of the couch beside him. "Wuz that again?"

"I'm done. Done with it. There's nothin I can do…" Gary sounded so hopeless and tired. "…look at me…I got nothin to give 'er… Nothin…nothin but problems…"

Gohan frowned and tried to steady his sight by pressing his hands to his temples. It didn't work very well, but it helped to block out everything except the bit of spinning world directly in front of him. "What'r'you talking about? Your girl? You're her dad."

"She's got a new daddy." Gary said in that same flat tired voice and just stared straight ahead for a long minute. Then he clumsily reached over and squeezed Gohan's good shoulder. "You're a good guy, Angel. You're a good friend, ya know that? You helped me an' my little girl out today…"

Gohan smiled uncertainly, not quite sure what Gary was talking about. "Naw…I'm just here. Thas' all. You're a good guy too."

Gary shook his head unsteadily. "No…I'm not… I'm so fucked up. She's sright. An' I almost fucked up big time today too. I can't fuck up any more. I can't live with that. I can't fuck up my baby's life too… I jus'…can't… Laurie's right…I won't let it happen… They don't need me to screw things up for 'em."

Gary stood up and stumbled over to the door. Gohan tried to sit up, but that just made the room spin worse.  
"…urg… Gary?"

The other man paused, looking back with shining, red rimmed eyes. "…yeah?"

"It'll be alright, Gary. It'll all be okay. …Promise." Gohan assured him slurring-ly and slumped down again, one hand waving at the other man, index finger pointed to the sky as if making an irrefutable statement of fact before slumping along with the rest of him. "You…you should jus'…get some sleep, okay?"

Gary stood still for another moment. "Yeah. I know. …I will. …Thanks Angel."

Then he was gone and Gohan squeezed his eyes closed and just…breathed. It was good to breathe. And it would all be alright…as soon as the world stopped spinning.

* * *

The world was still spinning, but much…more…slowly...and… 

The world was pain.

That terrible pain that made it seem imperative to whisper and tread as softly and carefully as possible…because the slightest pin drop of sound or muscle spasm might cause your skull to explode.

This was Gohan's state as he shuffled slowly down the hall to the bathroom. He moved like a half decomposed zombie as he pushed into the bathroom and slumped onto the sink. There he leaned down, head stuck nearly inside the sink as he just tried to breathe through the nausea. At length he managed to turn on the faucet and even got some liquid down his throat. It wasn't until he leaned up again and wiped his face dry with a faded green towel that he happened to glance into the mirror.

What he saw so perplexed him that he just continued to stare for a full minute, brow furrowing. He turned slowly and still nearly fell, tripping over his own feet and barely catching himself on the rim of the tub. His unsteady knees thudded hollowly on the cold tile, but he couldn't feel them, his body was still too deadened by the alcohol it had been saturated with hours before.

He just stared, jaw slack, his mind too numb to comprehend what he was seeing.

Cautiously he reached out those last few inches and just…barely…touched a bare, pale shoulder with his fingertips. His whisper sounded too loud as it echoed back to him from the bath.

"… Gary…?"  
"… Gary…wake up…"

Gary didn't wake up.  
Gary was cold.  
All Gohan could do was sit and stare at the man's slack features.

He looked so…lifeless…stripped to his shorts and soaking in a mere ten inches of water, long since cold. There was an empty orange prescription bottle laying frozen at the bottom of the tub between his feet.

Minutes ticked by like seconds and finally, face still as bland as when he had entered, Gohan reached down and grasped the neck of a bottle of Black Velvet that sat open beside the bathtub. Pushing up to his feet, he stumbled numbly out of the room.

_It's okay, sweetie. I promise…everything will be okay… I'll see you later. I promise, okay?  
…Promise._

So many promises.  
Gary broke his promise.  
Gohan broke his promise too.

It was Friday. That should have meant something. It didn't mean anything. Why should it mean something? Who should it mean anything to? To a child it meant the last day of school for the week. To some adults it meant a weekend away from work. To everyone else in the world…it was just another day in a string of meaningless repetition. If Friday were to mean anything, it was the embodiment of the deadline that Gohan was expected to make.

He made his deadline.

He got to work two and a half hours late. He plodded doggedly passed all his coworkers, ignoring their wide eyed curiosity and murmured whispers. He sat down in his cubicle and switched on his computer, not even noticing that his phone had already been replaced or the lighter patch of wall where a hole had been plastered over. He sat and he did his work and he finished it. Then he got up and he left again without a word to anyone. Not even Lian.

Because this was what life was.  
Why fight it?  
Who was he to say it should be different?

When he entered his musty little apartment, his answering machine promptly beeped at him, demanding his attention. It blinked 12 in bright red letters. Automatically he pressed the play button as he passed by.

The machine played out its messages in the background as he moved through the apartment, stripping off clothes he'd worn for three days in a row and tossing them on the floor.

Videl's annoyed voice came first wanting to know where the hell Gohan knew "a deadbeat like that from?" and why he had called Gohan angel. Then his mother's matter-of-fact, self assured words followed, in turn replaced by Videl's even harsher snapping which once again blared forth and were soon echoed by shakier, more worried utterances from his mom. Then there was Bulma's business-like tone as she explained that, since Gary seemed like a friend of his, he could pass on that Laurinda was willing to get together with him and a C.C. Lawyer and talk things over.

The next message was an irate sounding Videl again. A few more calls from Videl flowed forth, angry at being ignored and one more from Bulma asking that he call her back.

Gohan turned on the shower as the tape ended and stood leaning on the sink staring at his reflection in the mirror. Suddenly the phone rang, its shrill trill filling the apartment. He didn't move and the machine picked up on the fourth ring. His mother's hesitant voice filtered through the living room. ChiChi was never hesitant. The very sound of her uncertainty set Gohan's teeth on edge and suddenly made him irrationally angry as he listened.

"Gohan? Honey? You haven't called in a while. I've been worried. A mother is allowed to worry, you know. It's her prerogative. Call me, or better yet, why don't you come by and we can talk? We can have a nice long chat. I'll make you dinner. You haven't been eating enough…and…you didn't look well at all the last time we saw you… Come home and mommy will fix you up good as new. Promise! Okay, sweetie…?"

Gohan's numb expression turned darker and darker throughout the call and he snorted humorlessly when his mother suggested a "chat." What sort of chat can you have with someone who never listens? As for eating…he didn't have an apatite. He didn't want food. He didn't want company. He didn't want to chat. And he sure as hell couldn't be fixed just like that.

"Fix me up good as new." He whispered. They were first words he'd uttered that whole day and his voice sounded rough and rusty. "Fix me up good as new…" He growled and glared at his gaunt, haunted reflection.. A sneer twisted the reflection's lips. "Awe, you promise?" Mocking anger fairly dripped from his voice in oily trickles.  
"You fucking promise!"

The glass shattered, destroying the sickly, hateful visage, exploding around his fist and showering the sink and floor with glittering shards. It was rather pretty. It was just right. It was perfect. Exactly right for the situation, to watch the sparkling, blood flecked explosion shatter what had once been whole and flawless but was so very wrong. He scattered himself in a thousand pieces all over the room. He mHade the chaos in his head real. It was perfect.

He stepped into the shower and watched as pink was washed from his scratched knuckles to swirl down the drain.

Swirling down the drain.  
It was all swirling down the drain.  
He felt like he was swirling down with it.  
He stayed there a long time.

When he finally entered his bedroom, naked and dripping, he sat on the bed and silently picked a mirror shard out of the bottom of his foot. He stared at the blood that welled up and dripped to stain the carpet and he stared at the sliver of scarlet glass between his fingers. Beside him the phone rang. Once, twice, three times. He answered it with a flat, emotionless voice. Bulma greeted him cheerfully.

"Hey, Gohan! It's about time you got home. Don't you check your messages? I've been trying to reach you."

She didn't seem troubled by the lack of response. She lived with Vegeta after all. She was probably used to that.

"So have you talked to your friend? As long as he behaves himself, I'm sure we can work something out that'll benefit everyone."

As if she were an integral part of the situation. As if it was her kid and not just her employee. As if it was her life. As if any of this affected her in the least possible way.

"Gohan? You there?"

An answer finally rasped forth on rusty vocal cords.  
" Gary is dead. You killed him. You and Laurinda. You killed him… And I helped you."

Silence on the line.

"…Gohan…" She suddenly didn't sound so sure of herself.

"Do you know what the last thing he said was? The last thing he said to me?" Gohan's voice is still eerily unemotional. "He said I was a good friend. I told him it would be okay…and he said thanks."

Silence. Time stood still. Even his heart seemed to pause in respect of the moment.

"He thanked me for killing him."

Finally time resumed. Finally sound commenced. Finally she was speechless. Such a thing didn't happen often. Was it a victory? It felt so empty.  
"Oh………Gohan…no……" Finally Bulma sounded sincerely sorrowful.

And it felt so very hollow.

"Leave me alone, Bulma."

He hung up the phone and picked up his last untried pill bottle. He took eight at once, swallowing them without thought. That was the point after all. To not think anymore.

Rolling onto his back he stared at the ceiling and just concentrated on breathing.

* * *


	12. Shed My Skin

**Make It Quick**  
For the record, life is both terrible and wonderful. Life sucks but watching it fly past and disappear before my very eyes is a pain beyond bearing. My life is flashing by. And I am attempting to grasp what I can of it as it does. I won't promise another chapter within any period of time. But I will promise there will be more chapters.  
**Let It Burn**

**Crossfade – Dead Skin**

So I'm the king  
Of all these things  
Of this mess I have made  
Such a waste  
What a shame  
My whole life is a fake

Well I'm a bore  
And I'm sure  
I'm a thorn inside of you  
That has torn at you for years

The alcohol  
The Demerol  
These things never could replace  
What a minute with you could do to put a smile on my face

I'm a bore and I'm sure  
I'm a thorn inside of you  
That has torn at me for years

I can't get out of this dead skin  
I can't shed my skin  
I'm not sure where to begin  
Why can't I begin again  
I can't get under my dead skin  
I can't shed my skin  
Can I sleep till then

Phenobarbital and alcohol  
These two surely will do  
To knock me out  
Keep me down at least a day or two

When I'm awake  
I can taste how bitter I've become  
And it's more than I can bare some days  
I pray someone will blow me away

Make it quick  
But let it burn  
So I can feel my life fade

Well I'm a waste and I can taste  
How bitter I've become  
And It's more than I can bare  
I can't shed my skin  
I can't shed my skin

* * *

"Leave me alone, Bulma." 

He hung up the phone and picked up his last untried pill bottle. He took eight at once, swallowing them without thought. That was the point after all. To not think anymore.

Rolling onto his back he stared at the ceiling and just concentrated on breathing.

* * *

**Characters** – Gohan and Lian, very slight Goku, and return of two miner human characters from an earlier chapter, Kris and Tom. 

**Warnings **– Drug abuse, depression

**Shed My Skin  
**

The bed shook irritatingly and wouldn't stop. He tried to ignore it, tried to stay buried in the foggy gloom of unconsciousness. The dark was so much better…than anything else could be. The dark was so empty and quiet and…desolate. He wanted it to last forever. Please…just let him wrap himself in darkness forever and just…cease. It was so good to…just cease. He moaned, praying that the disturbance would stop and leave him be. Maybe it was an earthquake. Maybe the building would collapse and bury him. Oh, yes, he hoped so… But the shaking continued and no debris came down, so finally he forced his sticky eyelids open. Bright blue stared down at him.

"Thank goodness, Angel. Will you wake up for me? I've missed you."

Gohan made a soft, sleepy sound as he gazed blearily up at Lian's curiously hopeful expression. Why was she looking at him like that? His brain couldn't keep the question in focus for long as his thoughts skipped and fluttered in and out of groggy reach. She was always so soft spoken even when she was excitedly droning on a mile a minute. It was a nice thing to wake up to…her calm, considerate voice. It made the prospect of leaving the darkness much more hospitable. He made another soft sound and smiled rather absently, rolling with some difficulty so that he could try to climb into a semblance of a sitting position.  
"…mmmmm…sure..."

She held up his bottle of pills and examined it even though she had seen it before. She had told him what they were, after all. "How many of these did you take?"

His voice was slow and lumbering and he wavered where he sat, eyes half closing again. "Nhhm…how many are missing…?"

She took off the lid and peeked into the big bottle. "Oh…I don't know…somewhere between 1 and 35? Don't you remember?"

Gohan groaned at her quiet sarcasm, or maybe it was at the uncomfortable numb feeling of floating, or maybe it was because he was so thirsty… "I only had a few…I had…four…no…um…four…plus four…that's… How many is that? I can't think…"

"Dang... No wonder it was hard to wake you up. I guess you had trouble falling asleep, huh?"

Lian sounded impressed and…or something else? She was looking at him oddly. He wasn't sure. She sounded…interested? Concerned? He couldn't tell. He really couldn't tell much…except that he…Kami, he was _so_ thirsty. It finally registered that there was something in front of his nose and he focused on it. It was a glass of water. No, it was the most beautiful glass of water he had ever seen and he reached clumsily for it only to find that it was attached to equally pretty fingers which were gloriously helpful in getting the liquid from the glass into his mouth without spilling too much of it down his chest.

It was those cold droplets skimming along his skin that caught his attention once the glass was empty and he looked down at himself in dull incomprehension.

"Oh, look…I'm naked…"

That simple statement came without any of the usual embarrassment and insecurity. It was just an utterance of neutral surprise. Lian's giggles made his brow furrow.

"I mean…don't look…uh…"

He reached over and dutifully dragged the sheet over himself without really thinking about it, acting more out of automated programming than embarrassment.

"Do you feel okay, Angel? Think you can stand up? Or are you dizzy or anything?"

Gohan groaned sluggishly again. He felt…so…just…disconnected. Like…like…being piss drunk, but without the vertigo and splitting headache. It was…kind of good.

"No…I…just… I'm fine. …I just…" He sighed as he remembered and was again bombarded by emotions he'd been trying so hard to hide from. "I couldn't take it. …Came home from work and…I just…wanted to stop for a while…"

She gave him that odd look again. "You took them when you got home from work?"

Gohan just nodded his response, resting his head in his hands, his eyes stubbornly refusing to stay open. He didn't realize that he had started to fall until after thin arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders and Lian had already pulled him upright again, steadying his heavier figure with some difficulty. He groaned and forced some tension back into his body again so that she wouldn't have to do that. He didn't want her to hurt herself trying to keep him sitting up. She was too little to be stuck with the task of keeping his ass planted on the bed.  
"Naw…sorry…I'm awake…I'm up…"

"Angel, you slept for three days. It's Monday. I came over to walk you to work." Came her quiet voice. It took a moment for the words to make it through to him.

His brow furrowed again and he tried to focus on her face. "…What…?"

She nodded, looking like she was trying not to laugh. "You slept the whole weekend away. I told you these pills were strong."

He groaned and rubbed his face sleepily. "It's Monday? ...the whole weekend?" His confusion was palpable. "The whole weekend…" Then he smiled goofily. "…it was nice too."

Lian did finally laugh. "Come on, you need a shower. Think you can do that without drowning?"

Sure, he could do that. He didn't have a tub in his shower, how would he drown? His smile slipped and fell suddenly and he sobered just a little. That thought brought unwanted images filtering through which he'd tried so hard to drown. Why couldn't he drown them? He didn't want to remember them. He didn't want them. There was a new face to haunt him and he couldn't erase it. He couldn't brush it away. It had gotten under his skin where he couldn't reach it…he ached to tear it out…sink his fingers deep down and tear it all out. …the itch was back in his shoulder, that worming itch…he wanted to tear that out too.

Lian watched him with a sympathetic gaze and patted his cheek gently. "Come on. It's time to get up."

She pulled him away from the bed, not phased by his unclothed state, steadying him as he stumbled and then leading him into the new day. He was too lost in a haze to try and decline her help and he didn't have energy enough to even be properly shamed for needing it. What else could he do but go? There wasn't anything he could do. Everything he did always went so wrong. Every time he tried…it all went so wrong… He didn't want to try anymore. It had been good in the darkness with no thought and nothing to go wrong. But of course…nothing so good could last. He let her lead him back into it all. As long as he let her lead…then maybe it would be okay…if he just let someone else lead the way…

Then, surely it wouldn't be his fault, at least.

* * *

He smiled as he walked Lian to lunch hand in hand. 

"I'm glad you're feeling better, Angel." Lian beamed up at him as she bounced along, as infectiously jovial as ever.

Once again he was so thankful for her presence. There was just something about her that made the simple, unimportant things they did together so much more enjoyable. It felt odd at the same time too. He wasn't used to this. He'd never felt anything quite like it before. He could only think that this was what it was like for Goten and Trunks or for Videl and Erasa or…or…for anyone except him. He'd never had the chance to have _that one friend_ that everyone else seemed to have. It made him ache to be able to understand this feeling and to finally see that he had been missing it all this time and just never knew.

This wasn't anything like it was when he was with Videl. Then again, Videl was the only girl he had ever really interacted with. He had assumed that that was just how it was when you dealt with girls…it certainly explained why most males bitched so much about women. But this felt so different. This…company. This…companionship. Or maybe Lian was just different…or Videl was different… or maybe he was different…or…damn it, he didn't have the slightest idea. All he knew was that Lian had stayed with him since Monday morning and he was so grateful for that. He wasn't sure why she stayed. She never said anything. She was just there. It was nice...comforting. Maybe she thought he had tried to kill himself…like Gary had. He would never do something like that. He knew better, of course. She never said a thing, though. Not about Friday or about the weekend. She was just…company.

She never asked him to explain. He loved that about her so much. She never judged or chastised or lectured him. She didn't make him feel like a failure. He didn't have to struggle to meet her expectations. They both did their own things. They just did them in each other's company and it really didn't matter. It never ceased to amaze him that such a thing was possible.

He wanted to know why no one had ever told him how nice it was to touch someone. Or be touched? Not sexually. He already knew about that. Videl had graciously taught him that. No, it was just touch. Just for the sake of touch. Touching anyone for any reason. Putting an arm around a shoulder or a waist or just letting a hand rest on warm skin or a thigh or sitting close enough to feel the person beside you without ever thinking anything about it…just doing it, just knowing the other person was there... How could no one have told him it was okay? He felt like he'd missed out on a whole portion of existence. He'd been cheated, never having known that there was more to closeness than fighting or sex or awkward hugs.

Even curled up on the floor in front of his tv…he really had to get a couch sometime…she snuggled so comfortably against him and it was nice and that was all. It was so casual, no expectations, no nervousness, no awkwardness…it just _was_. He loved it.

It was Wednesday now and the little blond hadn't left him alone for the last three days. Not for more than a few hours at a time. Despite the hazy, blurred, prescription induced calm that the days floated by in, he knew she was almost always there, her presence was crystal clear. When she wasn't around, his alone time was punctuated by the return of all those low and disturbingly quiet thoughts that were so very uncomfortable. She had this uncanny ability to drag him into focus when he drifted too far away and her presence alone staved off the melancholic depression that continuously tried to swallow him. They had just…hung out. They had just enjoyed each other's company, never doing anything important. Neither of them ever had anywhere to go or anything they had to do.

It occurred to him once to ask when her classes were. She had a dorm room, she had to have classes. She only grinned and responded that she was taking all online classes this semester and…well, what else did he think she did when she wasn't answering the phone? This job was doing wonders for her class attendance since she hardly had anything to do, sitting for seven hours at a little desk in front of two phones and a computer. They laughed and he thought to himself about what a great idea that was and wondered why he hadn't thought of that? That was an ingenious idea! And then they continued to just ignore the world and…exist.

They talked about nothing and everything or just watched tv or walked, wandering aimlessly, or "buzzed" together as Lian called it. He'd found his new umbrella. He couldn't believe that he'd had it all along and had just been too afraid to find it. His last bottle of pills was exactly what he'd needed. It was wonderful. He could feel the medication as it soaked into his bloodstream. The pills took away the pain in his shoulder and made him ignore the nasty numb crawling feeling beneath his skin. They made everything seem so far away and they lasted for so long, lingering in his system rather than speeding away and leaving him bereft and empty. He was so calm. So much of his torment could have been avoided if he'd only known that the answer was right there, sitting on the counter in his bathroom all along.

Family called, he ignored the phone. Videl called, he ignored her too. His father appeared once with a bright smile while he and Lian had been curled on the carpet, staring at the television in the dark of his living room. He couldn't remember everything all that clearly, but he was sure his father had visited for a while, sitting down and watching in curious fascination whatever movie happened to be on. His father didn't normally watch television, but they weren't really watching it either. They talked. Or…rather…Lian talked and his father responded in kind and enthusiasm abounded while Gohan looked on silently and marveled at how well the two of them got along from the first instant they met. It was so rare to see his father so animated with anyone; it was almost like they were two of a kind. Once again, Gohan wondered how it was that he lacked so much of anything in common with his own father. The two of them could never have a conversation like this, just talking about nothing and everything and smiling at one another. There was just…something missing.

It was nice to see him even if they didn't say much. Goku was always so optimistic and positive and encouraging…even though Gohan knew that he never lived up to what his father wanted of him. His father was another person that never asked him difficult questions. He was always ready to accept that everything Gohan ever did as worth the effort made…even if he failed miserably. He never outright told Gohan he failed, he just would say that "next time will be better" and moved on. But that didn't change the fact that Gohan knew he was a disappointment. Sometimes he wished his father would just admit it, but the thought scared him at the same time. After a while the visit ended and his father had a hug ready for both himself and Lian and left with a promise to let Chichi know that Gohan was fine, she was worried about him. When he was gone, Lian had said that Goku was a sweetheart and that she could see where Gohan got it.

He had merely stared at her in disbelief and then shrugged with a mumbled "…guess so." How could she say something like that? He certainly couldn't see it. His father was a hero and an amazing man despite his alien heritage which made him ultimately…very strange…but with that strangeness aside, Gohan just couldn't see whatever it was that she saw in the both of them.

They went to work, but to be honest, Gohan did hardly any work at all. Even his fellow coworkers noticed his change of mood. Or maybe it was because of the scene he had made on Thursday and then the blackness of the following Friday. They didn't bother him so much anymore. Things were going back to normal, where everyone went about their work without the overwhelming need to ask after his health and whether he was okay. It was about time! It was good to be able to talk and laugh and relax again and not think about all the eyes watching him. He didn't want to care about their eyes anymore and it was refreshing to be non-productive for once. It was about time that he threw off all the nasty things that had plagued him for so long.  
It felt really good…to throw it all away.

* * *

After work, he wandered into Lian's dorm room and thumped down on the bed, bunching up her pillow and curling up on the cozy multi-colored quilt while she rutted around the small room and changed out of her work clothes. Only a week ago, this very scene of a half naked girl would have had him blushing beet red and stuttering and staring at his shoes, but this was Lian. It didn't faze him at all. Anyone who knew Gohan would have been amazed. Gohan was amazed. 

Was this what it was like? He'd always seen it in other people. Was this what it was like to be free? He felt freed.

Lian appeared before him with a bright grin. "You still awake?"

"Mmmm…"

She ruffled his messy spikes. "Good, let's go, huh?"

"Mmmm…go where?" He was so comfortable, he wasn't sure he wanted to move.

A pause. "It's Wednesday."

The silence stretched for a long moment.  
"…yeah, it is."  
He answered finally, eyes riveted to the blanket under him. He'd managed not to think…for the last three days. He'd staved it off, held it away, kept the monsters locked in the closet. Now he could hear them scratching. It was foolish for a grown man to be terrified of the things scratching at the closet door…wasn't it?

"You don't have to go, you know. It's alright. But you can come with me if you want to."  
It was such a simple statement accompanied by her fingers threading through his hair. It was too simple a thing to cause such turmoil to boil beneath his skin.

"…naw…I think I'll just go home…" He said quietly.

"Alright. I'll walk you home on the way."

There wasn't even a pause. Not that that really surprised him. She'd said it was alright if he didn't want to go and…he didn't want to go…but…he did… He didn't want to be alone. He wanted to go with her, surely it would be okay if he went with her…but…he didn't want to go there… He didn't want to see it again. He was such a weakling, so pathetic, to need…he didn't even know what he needed right now. He was just…he felt like a rabbit. What a stupid thing to feel like.

"No. That's okay. I'm just…gonna wander a bit. You go ahead."  
He climbed up from her bed and tried to smile. He didn't need her to walk him home like some little kid, even if he felt like a little kid. He wasn't that pathetic. She was the one person in his life that didn't look at him and see Gohan – The Pathetic Loser. He didn't deserve a bud like Lian if he was that pathetic.

Buds. They were buds. That was the term Lian had used. Not friends. Gary had called him a friend. A good friend. Look at what happened to him. He didn't want to be anyone's friend. Lian never said they were friends. Somehow that made things better, more lax.  
Buds.  
That felt miles better.  
It had a whole new meaning to it.  
Lian was his bud and she never stuck her nose into uncomfortable places best left in the dark. Buds didn't make you feel guilty just for existing. So it was okay that he didn't go with her and it was okay that she didn't try to make him and didn't question his reasons for not going. It was good that he didn't have to explain and wasn't tethered by that invisible leash he was so used to with everyone else.

But he already missed her company.

"I'll see you tomorrow. Have fun." He asserted with a very small smile and turned to head down the hallway.

A light arm encircled his waist and squeezed and he looked down at Lian's bright smile. "Okay, Angel. Will do. How about I walk you to work in the morning, though?"

His smile became more honest then. "Sure."

She grinned and he watched her bounce away for the evening. He didn't wander long. Just long enough to prove it hadn't been a total lie. Then he walked back to his lonely, dark apartment where he planned to disappear…for a few hours…he hadn't felt the need to disappear so much in the last three days, but he could feel it coming back. He didn't want to face what was waiting for him at home. Not alone. What was waiting for him seemed so insignificant and yet so huge at the same time. How could he dread nothing so much? But it was such a very tangible nothing… Videl and his mother and all his failures in the form of broken scattered white plaster and death burned black into the carpet and bloody glass swept carefully out of sight in the bathroom. There were so many little nothings that all compounded and coalesced and manifested into one huge, malevolent, crushing darkness that felt so very alive. All waiting for him.

He walked home all alone. Alone with his thoughts. Was he as alone as Gary had been when he'd let him walk away? When he told him it would all be okay and then let him go off to be alone. He had kept his pill bottle close ever since then. He wanted the calm that came with it. He wanted the security. He needed it to get him through the day and make everything alright. Because of this medication, he couldn't feel the twanging in his shoulder and the creeping sensation had been replaced with a pervasive wellbeing. It was wonderful.

But now he was alone.  
Now he felt alone.  
He hadn't been alone since Monday morning.  
He never would have expected it to bother him so much.

His dark musing was cut off when a warm body crashed into his and knocked him tumbling into the grass beside the sidewalk.

"Oh, man! I'm sorry. Didn't see you there."

Gohan found himself staring up at a familiar shiny silver chain running across one of its owner's grinning cheeks.

"Hey, neighbor! Long time no see!"

It took Gohan a moment to place a name with the chain…er…face.  
"…Hi…uh…uh…is it Kris or…Tom…?" His voice was still dull, the collision not having quite managed to tear him out of his morose state.

"It's Tom. Sorry about that. My roommate is trying to cook and I guess he didn't like my constructive criticism…" He winked one eye, both of which were heavily outlined in black, almost like a raccoon mask, but more stylishly Goth.

Kris's dryly annoyed face appeared in the sky above them. "If you're going to bitch about my food, at least have the decency not to hide behind innocent bystanders. Are you okay, Angel?" He wore eyeliner as well, but it was only noticeable enough to make the clear blue of his eyes stand out brightly in comparison.

Tom hauled Gohan to his feet and thoughtfully patted him down before pronouncing him injury free. Kris just shook his head wryly and asked Gohan again if he was okay.

Gohan shrugged. "Yeah. I'm fine. It's alright."

Tom grinned jovially. "Hey! I know. To apologize for mauling you, why don't you join us for some grub? Misery loves company."

Kris glared. "My mandarin chicken does _not_ equate to misery!"

Tom just grinned wider. "And we've got a kung fu movie. Huh?" He nudged Gohan with his elbow. "So, yeah?"

Gohan rubbed his bruised ribs gingerly. "Really…it's okay. I barely felt it…you don't have to…"

Tom quickly shook his head. "Of course we have to!"

Kris just rolled his eyes. "Tom loves having company over. It's one of his things…" He shrugged rather nonchalantly, as if it didn't really matter either way. "You're welcome to come over."

Gohan didn't know what to say, but when Tom hooked an arm with his he figured he really didn't have much option to decline. They were honestly inviting him...and he really wasn't in any hurry to go back to his apartment...so... "Well…I guess…sure…"

* * *


	13. Colors

**It's okay if you break  
**Here's a short chapter. I'm slowly trying to get back into my groove. It's a bit lighter than things have been lately. Consider it a break while I work out exactly how things are going to progress. I now know the direction they will move in, just not how to get there. Thanks to all you guys for keeping with me for so long.  
**It's your life that's at stake**

**Blindside – Painting **

The world you painted was new  
The colors were so alive  
Took a lie and made it true  
A final touch and then right into the painting you dive

It's ok if you break  
You'll see colors again  
This is more than you can take  
You'll see colors again  
It's your life that's at stake  
You'll see colors again  
Don't you think it's my time, anytime soon

Whenever did it all happen  
That one color after another seems to fade  
Now the sky is carved with a coal pen  
It's all gray despite the effort you made

How do you like your god now  
Now that he is you  
Does he feel dead somehow  
And where does that leave you

It's ok if you break  
You'll see colors again  
This is more than you can take  
You'll see colors again  
It's your life that's at stake  
You'll see colors again  
Don't you think it's my time, anytime soon

* * *

Gohan didn't know what to say, but when Tom hooked an arm with his he figured he really didn't have much option to decline. They were honestly inviting him...and he really wasn't in any hurry to go back to his apartment...so... "Well…I guess…sure…" **

* * *

Characters – Gohan. OC's Tom and Kris, Lian. **

**Warnings** – Yaoi, m/m, alcohol and drug abuse.

**Colors**

It wasn't all that bad. It wasn't bad at all. It was actually really nice. Kris wasn't a bad cook, no matter how Tom teased and Gohan hadn't ever had…what was it? He couldn't remember what it was called…but it was a pretty electric blue. How the hell could you make a liquid turn electric blue? He supposed it was just one of those mysteries of life.

The apartment was much like his, only a little larger and with more windows. He was parked on the couch which had been vacated by somebody only hours ago, another roommate that Kris had shaken awake and shooed away so that the guy wouldn't be late to work. It turned out that Kris and Tom shared the place with a few other guys who worked night shifts. They said it kept the apartment from feeling crowded because there was usually only two people home at any given time.

By now Gohan was beginning to think that he was buzzed enough that he could possibly go home and feel relatively neutral about it. His head lolled on the back of the couch while badly dubbed kung fu sound affects blasted the dark living room and a new glass was put in his hand. He roused himself and peered at it incredulously before turning to Tom. "What is with you and neon colors? Where the hell do you find this stuff?"

This liquid was a bright green that almost seemed to glow. Tom grinned and held up his own mostly empty glass. "What? Me? Naw. I'm good with ordinary beer. This is Kris's thing." He leaned in conspiratorially, as if Kris weren't sitting right on the other side of Gohan and couldn't hear. "Kris might seem all stiff and proper…but he's the biggest closet poofter ever!"

Tom was promptly smacked in the head with a pillow and fled for the kitchen before his roommate could find more ammunition, supposedly only to refill his glass. Gohan laughed and glanced at Kris who acted as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened at all. After a moment Kris finally returned the look.  
"So, you like it?"

Gohan smirked and gazed into the bright liquid. "Sure. It's cool. It doesn't make my tongue all numb…"

"Heh, no? But it turns it different colors." Kris laughed and stuck out his own tongue to wiggle it at Gohan. It was bright blue. He seemed to think better of the action and embarrassedly ran a hand through his black-dyed, spiky hair a second later.

Gohan laughed and reached over, not hesitating as he usually would. Hell, before the last few weeks, he wouldn't ever have tried to do such a thing, but after spending so much time around Lian and so many other relaxed people…he didn't even think twice about reaching over to touch Kris's black hair, twirling the stiff, bright blue tips between his fingers. "It matches your hair."

Kris tilted his head as if he might be able to see the hand in his hair and shrugged his shoulders, the silver studs and loops on his gothic shirt clinking with the movement and drawing Gohan's bleary attention.

"I guess you guys like heavy metal, huh?" Gohan joked, referring to the chains and collars and spikes that the two roommates seemed to favor wearing. He'd never known any Goths before. There weren't any in the circles he'd grown up in. In fact, he'd been under the impression that there was something wrong with those sorts of people. What normal person wrote poems about death and dressed in black all the time and embraced the darkest, most depressing parts of life? Now… Now he thought he could understand at least some of it and he had come to realize that he really didn't know as much as he had always thought he did.

Kris shrugged again and looked away. "I like a lot of things. But I am kind of partial to screaming metal, yeah." He smiled shyly and abruptly turned back to Gohan, reaching out to touch the demi's hair as well. "You know what color I can picture on you? I think you'd look awesome with orange tips..."

Gohan blinked and tried to imagine that, blanching slightly when he thought of what everyone would say if he were to do something like that. They'd be so shocked. It wasn't worth the hassle, having to explain that to them all. …and the looks they'd give him…he could already see it. At least now…now there wasn't any evidence of how far he was from where he was supposed to be. He didn't dare do something so noticeable. Not that he'd want to… It would be like trying to put cool on a geek. It just wouldn't go.

"Um…I don't think I'm really into colors…"

Kris slid his fingers into Gohan's hair, feeling that it was soft and malleable rather than stiff and gelled. His eyes widened and he leaned in closer. "How'd you get it to stand up like that?"

It was Gohan's turn to shrug as he tried not to shiver from the odd feeling of strange fingers sifting through his hair. "It just does. Comes naturally."

The Goth stared at his hair almost jealously and huffed, eyes going back to Gohan's and then trailing over his face as if only just now realizing that they were so close. "Um…" Kris licked his lips suddenly and leaned even closer. "Can I kiss you?"

Gohan didn't respond instantly. He didn't really understand the question. Could he…? His lips parted to speak, but no words emerged. He didn't know what to say, or how to answer. How did you give or deny permission for someone to kiss you? Or, more importantly, for another _guy_ to kiss you? How did you even process that question?! It was so much easier to just panic after having it done to him without getting the chance to think about it beforehand…because now he actually found himself thinking about it! Kami! What was wrong with him?!

It was as if someone had taken a remote control and pressed the "step" button before losing it beneath the couch. Everything slowed down as he looked at Kris, three-quarter speed so you could watch the spittle fly on the football re-play. Stumbling through this oddly jerky, slow motion moment, he cast about desperately for something…for anything to say…that didn't make him answer…  
"Wh…I…hoo…uh…wha…what about…what about Tom…?"

Kris pulled back, taking some of the pressure with him. He looked acutely embarrassed and grabbed his glass. "Oh…uh…we're not…well…sort of…I mean…not…" He sighed, obviously as tongue tied as Gohan was which was so strange. No one could be as clumsy with things like these as Gohan was…could they? Surely not. Blue-tipped spikes tipped back as Kris swallowed the last of his drink and quickly got up.  
"You want anything from the kitchen?"

Gohan watched in confusion as Kris retreated. Had he…? Did he upset him? …What… His eyes fell to his cup and he pursed his lips. He wasn't used to getting that sort of reaction from anyone. It was usually himself that ended up running away, blushing like mad or feeling stupid… Crap…aw jeez… Now he felt bad. He took a long swallow of his drink and felt it warm his throat and chest as it slid all the way down. When he opened his eyes, Tom was walking into the room with one fishnet clad arm slung around Kris's shoulders.

"Awe, look. We're missing the best part of the movie and we left our guest all alone." Tom exclaimed and dropped down beside Gohan with a grin, setting an unopened bottle of bright colored alcohol on the table. "For shame."

Kris sat down next to Gohan again, where he'd been sitting before, but he carefully avoided looking at the demi. Leaning back, he concentrated on rolling some sort of cigarette between his fingers and watching the high speed antics of the fighters in the movie. Gohan glanced at him a few times before turning his attention to the tv too.

Tom, slung his arm across the back of the couch, sprawling quite comfortably, and Gohan was suddenly struck by a strange feeling of déjà vu. He glanced from one Goth to the other and suddenly thought…that they could be sort of like him and Lian. She was so relaxed and sociable and fun-loving and he was so…not. But he was being foolish. To compare Kris with himself…that was just cruel.

Tom held up a chrome lighter when Kris started patting himself down for a light for his cigarette. Once lit, the smoke smelled so familiar. Kris had been smoking one of those the last time Gohan had been with them and that scent was a permanent fixture at Hope as well. After a long puff, it was handed to Tom who took a long drag as well, paused, and then held it up for Gohan.

The demi politely refused, holding up his hand to wave off some of the thick vapor. "I don't smoke."

Tom just shrugged. "Sure? Kay." He took another drag and handed it back to Kris who drew deeply on it and leaned back against the couch, closing his eyes with a quiet smile before sighing, smoke trailing lazily from his lips.

Gohan took another drink before noticing the odd way Tom was smirking at him. He glanced over questioningly at the Goth. "What?"

Tom grinned, the chain across his cheek glinting and glittering in the light from the tv. "Okay. Here's the thing. Since I have to do everything around here myself…"

There was a groan from Gohan's other side. "Tom…shut up…"

Tom leaned in, ignoring his roommate. "My dear buddy Kris here…likes you. So what about it? Does he have a chance?"

Both Gohan and Kris stared at Tom, jaws hanging, and Gohan's cheeks flamed up brightly. "…uh…"

Tom just looked even more amused, raccoon eyes twinkling. "And while were at it, I kinda like ya too. So…as long as we're all liking each other here… What do you think, Angel? Is that a bad thing?"

Gohan licked his lips nervously, leaning back from Tom and finding that was just pressing him against Kris who…though he wasn't looming like Tom was…he wasn't budging either. "Um…um…I uh…I…don't…know…"

Tom suddenly backed off. "Good enough. How about this? You tell us if you decide that it's a bad thing." Tom cupped Gohan's cheek and turned his wide eyed face toward Kris.  
"How about something simple to start out with?"

Gohan's breath caught as his dark eyes met Kris's blue ones and one of Kris' hands cupped his other cheek.  
"Can I kiss you?"

Good grief, he was shaking and he couldn't seem to get his lips to stay wet. "Uh…I…" He took a deep, shaky breath and swallowed nervously. "…o…okay."

And Kris did. Kiss him. Warm, moist lips pressed to Gohan's and he suddenly couldn't breathe. He felt…ungainly…and clumsy…and he hadn't even moved… He just sat there, frozen, letting Kris tilt his head back and lean in and kiss him again, letting his eyes fall closed, letting his lips part with a sigh under a third kiss, letting a quiet moan flutter up when a warm wet tongue slipped along his parted lips. His attention was so riveted by the kiss, that he didn't even notice Tom behind him until a wet tongue slid against the back of his neck and the other Goth deftly pulled his somehow magically unbuttoned shirt down off of his shoulders.

"Whoa…wow…"

It took Gohan a second to drag his mind away from Kris's lips enough to understand what Tom's amazement was stemming from. When he finally did, he realized that his shirt was gone and the other Goth was staring at his still muscular torso and scarred shoulder. Stiffening, his eyes dropped down to the couch and he cast around for his shirt or anything to cover up with. What was he doing?! He shouldn't be doing this! He shouldn't be here! He should be…anywhere but here… He should be home, wallowing in the darkness and remembering exactly why he was trapped in this hell that was his life and he shouldn't be here with these people who…made him forget…he couldn't forget. This was wrong. He shouldn't be able to feel…good about this.

"Hey…" It was Kris, bringing his chin back up with his hand so that he could see Gohan's eyes again. "It's okay…"

But even he was looking at the scar now and Gohan tried to shrink away. He didn't want them looking at it. He didn't want them to see what he was, what he _really_ was. Everything that he wanted to hide was shown so plainly in those scars. His soul was there, twisted and ugly and warped.

But Kris wouldn't let him pull away. "Really, it's okay…that's not so bad." He looks a little sheepish, but continues. "Well, it looks pretty major…but…here…look at mine. Mine's much worse than that." He quickly stripped off his long sleeved black shirt, buckles and metal loops jingling in the silence.

Gohan's eyes widened and his self loathing and panic was utterly derailed when Kris bared his pale white chest, obviously untouched by the sun for a long time. The reason why was clear. White and red washboard scars covered Kris' pale side, traveling from his right pectoral downwards where they swept around his ribs and waist, around to his back. It looked as though his flesh had been rubbed raw and stripped away by a giant cheese grater. More of the same scars stretched over his right shoulder and bicep and, now that Gohan was looking, he could see them on the back of his right hand as well.

Kris turned to the side without even a hint of self-consciousness, showing Gohan how the scars stretched to the center of his back. "Motorcycle crash. The gas tank ruptured." He shrugged. "It's no big deal. It's old news."

Gohan stilled finally and swallowed, suddenly feeling rather silly. Kris was right, his scar was much worse. He didn't mean to stare, but he couldn't help it.  
"It must have hurt…so much…"  
One question swirled in Gohan's head. How weak was he that he couldn't even handle his one shoulder while Kris' scar covered half his torso and arm?

Kris just shrugged. "Yeah. Still does sometimes. It's just part of me now."

Unthinkingly, Gohan reached out and trailed fingertips over the thickly rugged scarring. It looked like it should have been rough, but the skin was really soft and smooth and he slid his palm curiously over it.

Kris's hand covered Gohan's, causing him to look up from the Goth's chest. "See? Nobody's perfect."

Tom smirked over Gohan's shoulder and began trailing fingers along the Gohan's naked spine. "Not true! I'm perfect!"

Kris rolled his eyes yet again at his roommate. "Excuse me. Nobody is perfect except for Tom here. He's Mr. Perfect."

Gohan shivered at the touch and it seemed to him that the tension in the room just evaporated. He relaxed again and let his eyes fall shut, his hand still resting against Kris's side. "I'm sorry." He apologized quietly. "I'm kind of high strung. I didn't mean to overreact…"

Tom rested his chin on Gohan's scarred shoulder and grinned apologetically at him. "No biggy. I get too ahead of things sometimes. It's like, my ice-breaker routine, just jump in and break it. My bad."

As if by another work of magic, his shirt reappeared on his shoulders, Tom's deft hands carefully settling it back into place and reaching around to button it up before Gohan could say anything. "There. Good as new. Better? And I promise I'll lay off ya guys."

Gohan nodded sheepishly and looked up to see Kris smiling at him, the Goth looked so much more at ease than he'd been most of the evening up until now. Gohan thought he understood why because he felt a little more comfortable now too, knowing that the other man hid his own set of heavy scars. They had common ground, the sort that not many people could ever understand. He watched as Kris pulled his own shirt back on again and opened up the bottle on the table, refilling their glasses. If his mother could only see him now…or Videl…or the rest…would they be mortified? Would they be disgusted? Would they understand? No. They would never understand this. He barely understood this. But he knew one thing. He needed this. He'd only just learned…Kami, he couldn't even put to words what he was learning. But…he needed this so much.

As Kris kissed him again, he found that he knew one thing now. He may not know much, but…this wasn't a bad thing. He kissed Kris back and decided that, right here, right now, he didn't care what they all might think. They weren't here when he needed them. They didn't give him what he needed when they could have. They were the reason he didn't know anything. They didn't want him to know. There was an entire conspiracy against him in which conventionality had prevailed, strapping blinders over his eyes and leading him like a horse pulling a cart, harnessed in and loaded down so that he couldn't breathe, just living for that carrot at the end of the haul.

Now that he'd begun to learn…nothing could make him give up what he now knew. He was twenty-six years old and he was only now seeing what was really there. Everything he'd grown up with, everything he knew, it was all so meaningless. None of it was important. Things he'd thought were so imperative, so important, they were irrelevant. He couldn't let go now, not when he'd discovered that there was so much more to life.

* * *

Warm and content, comfortably pressed into the couch cushions by the weight of Kris' solid body, Gohan's eyes slowly fluttered open and fell closed again. The white light of early morning was creeping through the windows on the far wall, but it didn't worry him. He just lied there feeling hot heavy breaths soaking through his shirt to the skin beneath and listening to the light snores coming from the floor just below them where Tom lay sleeping at the foot of the couch. 

He didn't feel any of the mortified humiliation that had come with the first time he'd…well, he couldn't very well say experimented because he hadn't really had much say with that other guy. This had been totally different. Kris had asked. And Tom may have been a little too enthusiastic, but after Gohan had freaked out, Tom had backed off. They'd both eased up on him. He could still remember what Kris' lips felt like on his. It hadn't gone further than that. Well, not much. It seemed odd to use the word cuddle when referring to another guy, but that's what they'd done. And…it was…really nice. He'd liked it. And now, the morning after and slightly more sober, he took the chance to think about it as he lay with Kris pressed so intimately against him and he found that it was still really nice.

Prying his eyes open again, he looked down at Kris' peaceful face and drooping blue tipped spikes and smiled, reaching up and brushing his fingertips through the messy hair, the gel having worn partly away during the night. Kris smiled and shifted and made a content sound, eyes opening to look at Gohan. "Mmm…hi."

"Hi." Gohan rasped back and took a deep breath, yawning widely. "…I should…probably go…got work." He said quietly.

Kris nodded into his chest and climbed into an upright position, still comfortably wedged between Gohan's jean clad thighs. He smiled, looking at Gohan coyly. "You sure? Could stay…"

Gohan blushed and licked his lips, sitting up and scooting back to try and avoid the friction Kris' movements were causing. It was morning and he'd just woken up after all. He couldn't help that particular little side-affect, but he could keep it from becoming a problem. He shook his head. "I should really go to work." Kris just shrugged, seeming not to have expected any other answer, and offered to walk him home. Gohan smiled wider and couldn't help himself as he nodded and looked away shyly, like some inexperienced adolescent. Though, honestly, that was exactly what he felt like.

At the door to his apartment, he had just as much trouble looking Kris in the eyes. He was so very grateful and embarrassed when Kris cupped his cheeks and lifted his chin. "Can I kiss you goodbye, Angel?"

This time he had an answer, though. "S…sure." He blushed yet again. Even after spending an entire night with this man's body pressed against his, he still felt clumsy and all thumbs. He was happy to close his eyes and feel the press of those warm lips on his and let his body respond on its own. Things went so much smoother when he didn't let his brain get in the way. His brain felt like mush by the time Kris pulled away anyway.

"You sure you wanna go to work?"

Gohan licked his lips absently, eyes still half closed, and nodded. "Mm…gotta go to work…"

Kris grinned and shrugged. "Oh well. Maybe next time, then."

Gohan blinked, his intellect finally catching up with his body, slowed down by the blood flow that was being diverted to his cheeks and elsewhere. "Next time?"

Kris just grinned wider, a teasingly brash expression taking over his features even while he blushed himself. "Maybe next time you'll invite me in." Then he stepped back, having lost what nerve he'd worked up, retreating quickly back the way they had come. "Have fun at work, Angel." He called over his shoulder and then disappeared around the corner of the building.

Gohan stood there dazedly for a long moment before disappearing into his apartment. Inside, he threw himself onto his recliner, butterflies churning his stomach into a whirlwind. His hands were shaking, he was so…so…so what? Excited? Embarrassed? Exhilarated? Nervous? Turned on? He really didn't know. It just…it wasn't bad. Not even a little. He was so preoccupied by the feeling that he barely took notice of the slow, plowed condition he was in after drinking far too much last night, though it wasn't nearly as bad as the hangovers he'd been suffering lately. Not at all.

* * *

It seemed like only a minute later when Lian shook him awake. He frowned and groaned, curling his arm over his eyes to shut out the morning, but there was no escaping the cheerful blond. He peeked blurrily around his arm at her. "How do you keep getting into my apartment?" He asked without any real irritation. 

She laughed. "Silly! You never lock your door. Sometimes you leave it wide open. I'm surprised you still have a tv."

He groaned again and covered his eyes. "I don't want to go to work." He whined. "I think I wanna stay home today."

She giggled and curled her arms around his neck to hug him. "Oh, why so grumpy? What else are you gonna do today? 'Cause if you're just going to lay around and waste it, then you might as well go to work." She paused, a funny look crossing her features. She abruptly leaned in and gave his neck a good sniff before grinning excitedly. "Oooo! Where were _you_ last night?" She teased.

Gohan stuttered and showed his incredulous eyes. "What? What are you talking about?"

Lian crawled right into his lap with a laugh. "Awe, come on. Who was it? Huh?" She pulled at his shirt and sniffed the material, giggling triumphantly. "I know for a fact you don't wear cologne and it's all over you _and_ you're still wearing the same clothes you had on yesterday."

He blushed bright red and looked away. "What? Nothing! I mean…er…" He cringed, sure that she was about to get upset or angry or indignant or…something… Everyone else would. It stunned him when she just sighed and shrugged.

"Okay, fine, don't tell me." She grinned at him lightheartedly and jabbed him with her finger. "But, mark my words. I'll find out sooner or later. So! Are you coming to work or not?"

He blinked at her for a few seconds, remembering again why he loved her so much. He laughed and nodded. "Alright, fine. But you have to let me up so I can get a shower."

* * *


	14. Why Even Try

**Burned Out Dreams  
**I spent some time at work on the graveyard shift working on this…at about 3:30am, I realized that I was typing completely nonsensical sentences that had nothing to do with anything… laughs Hopefully I caught all of them in my proofreading. See how dedicated to this story I am?  
**Which I Can Steal**

**Default – Live A Lie**

I can't seem to find out what I feel  
Burned out dreams of others which I can steal  
Take or leave this way I seem to you, it eats right through you  
Ripped up parts of things I should do, I'll run around and tell you screaming

Oh I live a lie, oh I live a lie, oh why even try  
I've been leaving thoughts below  
Still I feel I should know

Still don't see much of me giving in  
Much too strong to live outside of these sins  
Feeling like I'm taken lightly, think you see right through me  
Words of those who still despise me, think it's eating me you're dreaming

Oh I live a lie, oh I live a lie, oh why even try  
I've been leaving thoughts below  
Still I feel I should know

When I seem to believe all that I've done wrong  
You can take all that's right I will still move on  
Taken all I can give it seems that I don't belong  
Push me further from this go on

Oh I live a lie, oh I live a lie, oh why even try  
I've been leaving thoughts below  
Still I feel I should know

* * *

"Okay, fine, don't tell me." She grinned at him lightheartedly and jabbed him with her finger. "But, mark my words. I'll find out sooner or later. So! Are you coming to work or not?" 

He blinked at her for a few seconds, remembering again why he loved her so much. He laughed and nodded. "Alright, fine. But you have to let me up so I can get a shower."

**

* * *

Characters –** Cameos by Bulma and Chichi. OC's Lian, Kris, and Tom. 

**Warnings **– Drug abuse, depression, cursing, general disharmony, and just a touch of yaoi for a splash of flavor.

**Why Even Try**

He'd been in an embarrassingly good mood earlier, but now he stared at the computer screen in bored depression, fingers clicking idly on the keyboard. He had gotten tired of feeling paranoid about what the other office staff might think every time one of them walked by his cubicle, so now his chair leaned against the far wall with his desk turned slightly askew from the corner of his little box. Now no one could see his monitor unless they actually stepped inside. There could be no accidental witnesses to the telltale blank screen that he was staring at. It wasn't that he was actually staring at the blank desktop. He really wasn't seeing it at all. He was too caught up in the melancholy reflection of his own existence.

He didn't have a clue how long he had been sitting here. It really was almost not even worth his time to be here. …not that his time was worth much anyway, but he was being paid to sit here. Well…to sit here and do work, yes, but he wasn't doing work and he had no intention of doing any work either. He didn't want to. He didn't feel like it. He didn't feel like anything. He couldn't concentrate enough anyway. He was here, wasn't that good enough? Even despite how fuzzy his head felt from staring at the screen for so long, he just didn't have the will to tear his gaze away from it. He'd even attempted to play solitaire, but he couldn't keep his mind on that either. He could concentrate well enough to deal with each hand as it was dealt, but he couldn't remember any of the cards or the games once they were done and he kept skipping cards that could have been placed. He hadn't won a single hand.

His mind kept going back to the previous night and the following morning. He didn't know what to think anymore, now that time had gone by and normal life had resumed. He could still remember the feeling of Kris' lips on his. He could still remember the taste of him. He tasted like smoke and the bitter tang of alcohol with just a hint of that sweet citrusy sauce from dinner, and there was something else that Gohan was sure was just Kris. At the time, he'd decided that he didn't care what anyone would think, but now he found himself worrying the subject incessantly. What _would_ anyone think? What would they _say_? He couldn't ever admit what happened to anyone. Never ever. Kami, just imagine what that would cause!

It was 5 o'clock already when Lian hooked her arm in his, causing him to jump with a gasp before he realized who it was that was pulling him out of his cubicle. Little good it did to put his back to the wall. He hadn't even noticed her come into his cubicle. He hadn't noticed the day go by either. Pulling up short at the water cooler, he reached into his jacket and brought out one of his pills. He had begun keeping a few loose in his pocket just so that he didn't have to dig into the loudly rattling bottle. He filled a cup and washed the pill down his throat before once again plodding slowly after Lian and out the door.

Why didn't he feel better? Why did he have to feel like this all the time now? Nothing he did ever seemed to make a difference. All the time now. The guilt. He felt so guilty! About so many things! Things that shouldn't even matter, but they did, just one more thing on top of dozens of other things which compounded his uncertainty and frustration and made everything seem so much more important that any of it really was. Why did he have to care what everybody thought? He wished he could just stop. He didn't want to care about anyone else's feelings or expectations or wants. He just wanted to stop, but that would cause so many more problems it just wasn't worth it to even think about that. The only thing that made the days tolerable was the medication. The pills caused the anxiety that had become so prevalent in his body to ease. The pills made the tension lessen, that horrible tension that twisted into his muscles and caused his shoulder and half his frame to ache so sharply. They made that nasty crawling feeling fade. He hadn't had so many nightmares since he'd taken it…and since Lian was around so much…since he'd been sleeping around other people. Not that he'd been sleeping much even then really…it was more passing out than sleeping.

* * *

"Why do you look at me like that?" Lian asked suddenly, laying on the floor with him, her head pillowed on the curve of her arm. Her eyes were so calm and clear and blue. Looking into them was like looking through perfect glass windows at the sky. 

He hadn't realized he was looking at her. He'd just been staring absently into space for who knew how long, just wallowing in this dull melancholy. He just…was. "Like what?"

Her voice was so soft, floating across the inches of space between them. "Like that. Like you're dreaming. Like you're going to wake up any second and you don't want to." How long had they been laying like this on the thickly carpeted living room floor of his small apartment? He didn't know. He didn't care.

"'Cause I don't want to wake up." He replied in an equally airy voice, blinking slowly, a tired, worn smile curving at his lips.

She made a soft noise and shook her head at him with that calm smile of hers. "You shouldn't worry so much. It isn't as hard as you think it is. You should make it easy."

"What?" His brow wrinkled in confusion.

"Make it as easy as you want it to be. You make it so hard, Angel. It doesn't have to be so hard."

He just shook his head wistfully. "……no, it's been good… Since I met you, it's been better." He smiled sadly. "I wish I didn't care. Everything would be so much easier if I could just not care. But…" He shifted and sprawled on his back, enjoying the disorienting feeling of weightlessness that rolled through his body with the sudden movement. "It doesn't matter. This is all I want. Just right now, right here. …I can deal with this."

* * *

He didn't even think about it when there came a knock at his door. He just stumbled up automatically, padded numbly over, and threw the portal open to an awakening of very real regret. There, standing on his doorstep, were his mother and Bulma. His stomach sank like a water balloon filled with hot bile and his shoulders tensed painfully. 

"Um…hi…" He didn't smile, instead he looked between the two women with something akin to wary dread.

Bulma smiled, but the way she was looking at him put Gohan on edge instantly. Why was she looking at him like that? Chichi smiled brightly and stepped in with a cry of motherly love, throwing her arms around him and hugging him tight.

"Oh, Gohan! You haven't come to see me so long! I've missed you! How could you do this to your own mother? I've called and called but you never answered any of my messages. Are you alright, Gohan?!"

He found himself ensnared in her tight grip and could do little but give a lopsided, helpless shrug as she fawned over him, hands patting his cheeks and rubbing his arms and shoulders. When he winced, Chichi yanked her hands back with a gasp and became much gentler, patting his chest and looking at his shoulder worriedly as if she could see right through his shirt to the wound that lay beneath. He took his mother's hands and held them away from himself. It felt odd having her do that. It was a contradiction that stood out prominently in his mind. He was just growing used to random people touching him and suddenly here was his mother touching him like it was a normal thing. It made him extremely uncomfortable.

"I'm fine, mom. I've just…not been feeling all that well. You know… I've been mostly working and sleeping…sorry." He answered lamely, taking a step back to gain a little room.

Of course, his mother took the movement as an invitation and stepped into the apartment past him. "Gohan! This place is a mess!"

She was starting to fuss already. That was the last thing that Gohan wanted to deal with. He'd been okay before he'd opened the door. He grimaced and wondered what had gotten into him to make him answer. Bulma stepped in after Chichi, looking around with a shrewd eye at the small apartment before turning to Gohan.

"Gohan, we need to talk. I want to know what happened." Bulma said it straight out without any preamble or preoccupation. He'd been hoping that she wouldn't have the nerve to broach the subject. But face it, Bulma had always had bigger balls than most anyone else.

He fidgeted, his expression closing instantly as he looked back at her. He didn't want to talk. He didn't want to think about it, any of it. He just wanted her to go away. Before he could figure out what to say, though, Chichi spoke up drawing his attention to her.

"Have you been eating well? You look so pale. Have you been sick? Did the doctor send you home too early, baby? I knew they couldn't be trusted to take care of you. Those smug snarky know it all doctors! Are you alright, sweety?"

He distinctly remembered his mother bitching about how she didn't want him to stay at the hospital and now she was suggesting they hadn't kept him long enough. He'd been out of the hospital for two months now, what difference did it make?! And wasn't there a time when she used to hound him about the possibility of going to medical school to become one of those smug snarky know it all doctors?! Jeez, she was so…so…He closed up at the prodding, tensing under their intent eyes, looking down at the ground and away, anywhere but at the two interfering women. "I'm fine, mom. And I don't want to talk about it." He finally grated out.

Chichi looked shocked by the tone of his voice, but Bulma just narrowed her eyes and shifted her weight to the other hip as she eyed him calculatingly. It was so unnerving when she did that. His mother spoke first. "Gohan! What is it that you can't talk to your own mother about it?"

He finally looked up with a grimace firmly in place. "I just said I don't _want_ to. What part of that is so difficult to understand?" He snapped waspishly.

Bulma's matter-of-fact, sturdy voice piped up again. "I already know, Gohan. I talked to the coroner."

His gaze snapped to her, eyes widening for an instant before narrowing again. She'd said that as if it were a threat, as if to say '_I already know, I just want to hear you say it to see if you're going to lie to me, so you better tell the truth._' Well he had nothing to say to her. He didn't have to answer to Bulma. What did she know? Nothing. She didn't know anything and it could stay that way. It was that little voice in the back of his mind that assured him of this. He didn't need to answer to her. Why should he? He shrugged noncommittally, and looked back down at the ground. "Then you don't really need to ask me, do you? So there you go. Case solved. Whatever." His guts tingled. Since when had he ever had the guts to mouth off to anyone, much less in front of these two? There was the answer. He didn't. That's why his guts were squirming, because he'd done as close to mouthing off just now as he was capable. "Is that all you wanted?"

Bulma made an annoyed face and drew up to her full less-than-impressive height and he was sure she was going to give him the dressing down he so obviously deserved. He couldn't help but flinch, looking away again. "I want to know how you knew that guy, Gohan. And what in the world were you doing at that place?"

Chichi blinked and looked between the two of them uncertainly. Obviously Bulma hadn't prepped her on the topic beforehand. His mother didn't seem to know what was up Bulma's ass on this visit. He shifted his feet nervously under both their gazes. "Nothing. I just walked him there after that whole…incident…thing." He finally said, but the blue haired billionaire didn't seem to buy it. Well, of course she didn't buy it! It was a lie. It was a flat out, straight spoken lie of the first caliber and Gohan was absolutely no good at lying. Sidestepping, he could do. Misdirection, he'd become a pro at. Telling people what they wanted to hear? He could do that in his sleep. But lying? He didn't have a prayer of her believing him and he knew it.

"Gohan! Why were you at that old house?!" Bulma demanded again, her stern voice taking over the room. "What the hell were you thinking? Do you know what goes on in places like that?"

That stalled him. She knew. She _knew_. He stared at her, feeling like a deer about to be mowed down by a car. With monumental effort, he attempted to save the direction this was going…though it was admittedly a poor attempt. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Bulma just snorted and shook her head in disbelief. "Gohan, don't play games. You've been weird ever since that skirmish at the pharmaceutical company. The whole thing at the hospital… You haven't spoken to your family or Videl in weeks. You barely even deigned to leave this musty little apartment to come to Capsule Corp the last time. You can't withdraw into your own little world just because of one little mishap. It happens, Gohan! You need to deal with it."

Gohan's shoulders hunched as she went on and on. Since that "skirmish?" It wasn't a skirmish, it was a catastrophe and it was completely and utterly his fault that it happened. One "little mishap?" Hell no, it wasn't one little mishap! It was just one more mess piled on top of the huge debacle that was his entire life! Just another failure to compare with all the previous ones he'd made whenever it counted most! "I'm not playing anything." He muttered quietly, feeling like a ten year old all over again. Why couldn't they all just leave him alone? That's all he wanted. "I just don't want to talk about it, okay?"

Unexpectedly, his mother spoke up in his defense. His miserable expression was enough to move her at least. She grasped his good arm protectively and gave it a motherly squeeze. "Bulma, stop it. Can't you see you're just upsetting him? Whatever this is about can wait. It's okay, honey. Don't you worry about it. You can take as long as you need to get back into the swing of things, mommy's here for you." He didn't know what was worse. Bulma and her knowingly accusatory gaze…or his mother's help as she briskly brushed away Bulma's tirade and simultaneously relegated him from ten to five year old status. He wasn't sure whether the one thing was worth the other.

Bulma made a frustrated sound. "Chichi! Don't you see what's going on? Gohan's been having disassociative avoidance issues. I knew something was up last time I saw Gohan and, after what Videl told me, I looked into it. It's a common symptom of people who have had to deal with stressful or debilitating injuries. He obviously needs help dealing with it. He doesn't need you babying him and telling him it's okay. It isn't okay."

Bulma turned on him with that overly serious expression that made him so uncomfortable plastered all over her face. "Gohan, I know someone who's good with these sorts of things. His name is Dr. Gavin. I already spoke to him and he's agreed to see you on Wednesday. Your family doesn't have to worry about anything, I'm going to take care of it all and you can talk to him without worrying about what he might think. He's a professional."

It took a few moments for the real meaning of what she said to sink in. He looked between Bulma and his equally surprised mother and back again as he tried to find his voice. Finally the incredulousness of the situation broke through his paralysis. "You want me to see a shrink?!"

He paused again, still not believing that Bulma would have the audacity to come into his own home and say something like this. "I don't need a damn shrink! I'm not crazy…" Again he paused, trying to find something else to say to this because…because, Kami, he just might _be_ crazy. There had so many times lately when he thought he might be going crazy, but, damn it, he wasn't crazy and she had no right to tell him he was crazy and she didn't know what the hell was going on and it wasn't any of her Kami-damned business either!! He felt…felt…shit…violated seemed like such a pansy-ass description, but it fit him well enough, didn't it? He shrugged his mother off his arm and backed away from both of them. "What is wrong with you?! Just because I want to be left alone for a while I'm suddenly crazy?! No! I'm not talking to some shrink just because you think I'm spending too much time at home! How do you know what I do with my spare time? What makes you so right about everything? Just because you decide you _are_??! ……**Fuck!!**"

The bad word came out so unexpectedly that he went silent again. His hands were shaking so much that he clenched them into fists, heedless of how that probably looked. He just wanted to make them stop shaking. How could she stand there in his doorway and tell him he needed to see a shrink? How could his mom just stand there slack jawed and let her do that? He didn't need psychiatric help! He just needed to be left alone!  
'Just leave me alone!!'

Chichi's voice finally broke the silence, but it wasn't to help back him up against Bulma's suggestion. Instead, she pointed across the room looking sheepish, a bright blush rising on her cheeks because she had just realized that they weren't alone. "Gohan, who is that?" She gestured at Lian who was now leaning up from the floor and watching them curiously. "You never said you had company…"

Bulma put off her interrogation to join Chichi in examining this new detail which they had somehow missed during their first cursory inspection of the apartment. Possibly because the idea that Gohan might have company or especially girl company was just ludicrous. His expression darkened even more as that sarcastic thought fluttered through his mind. Both older women took in, with curious doubtfulness, the rumpled mess of blankets laid out before the tv in lieu of a couch and the pretty, young blond that occupied them. Lian smiled brightly and waved at them, still laying on the ground, propped up on her elbows to witness the embarrassing little visit.

Gohan new instantly what both ladies were thinking. Why was he camping out in his living room with this strange girl and did Videl know about this? Why was it never easy? Why did everything have to be so fucking complicated and why the hell couldn't it leave him alone? 'Go complicate someone else, damn it! Don't I _deserve_ a break?! Haven't I suffered enough?!' He wilted and sighed, his momentary defiance melting away to be replaced by depressed acceptance. "That's Lian. She works with me at the office."

"Oh. Is she a friend of Videl's too?" Bulma asked sweetly, but he could hear the sharpness in her tone. It made his hackles prickle and he barely managed to restrain a glare. So he wasn't allowed to have any female friends aside from Videl then, huh? Was it a fucking crime that he talked to someone other than Videl?! Who the fuck were they to tell him that he couldn't be friends with anyone but Videl? Or was he being petty and selfish by thinking that he should have that right?

"No. She's not." He stated flatly. "I don't like any of Videl's friends. So…if you don't mind, we were watching a movie. Maybe you can drop by some other time." He tried to paste his usual old smile onto his face, but it just wouldn't settle into place like it always used to. He turned away, waving dismissively at the entire conversation and hoping they would take the hint and go away now.

"…Gohan…"

It was his mother again, speaking haltingly. Fuck, wouldn't they stop?! He rounded on her impatiently. "What?!"

She actually jumped, looking at him with wide eyed disbelief. Was he really acting so strangely? Tsk. Was it just because he wasn't going to be pushed around? Well, he wasn't! Not today. He'd been okay earlier, why did they have to show up and ruin it?

"Gohan…is this why Videl has been so upset lately?" Chichi actually sounded betrayed. She had the nerve to sound betrayed when it had nothing to do with her. It wasn't any of her business. "I know that you've been having a tough time…" The statement hung in the air, pregnant with the understanding that he'd _chosen_ to have a tough time. If he'd just listened to them, listened to mommy and taken that sensu, none of this would be happening now. Things could have gone right back to normal. It didn't have to be this way. "…it's been tough on both of you. Are you sure you want to do things this way, sweetheart?"

Gohan pressed his hands to his face in frustration and made an angrily incoherent sound, turning away from them and throwing his hands up in the air. "Do what things?! What am I doing?! I'm sitting in my damn apartment and watching a fucking movie! Am I not allowed to do that in my own place?! Shit, mom! What the hell _am_ I, five?! Do you really think a five year old would be fucking around with a girl in the living room? Because I'm not! And even if I _was_…!!"

He almost let something slip there. He almost said something he would have really regretted. He almost blurted out…well he really didn't know what it would have been, exactly, but it probably would have been something along the lines of 'It wouldn't be with a girl anyway!' and that was the last thing he needed now because he wasn't even sure about that himself and that would make them even more intent on making him see a shrink. His jaw clacked shut on the words and he took a quick, almost panicked breath while he got his tongue under control again.

"…it wouldn't be any of your business anyway!"

Both older women were staring at him like he was some stranger. Well good! It's not like they ever knew him anyway! It's about time someone realized it! Chichi was so shocked that she just stood there, hands at her mouth and tears sparkling in her wide eyes. Bulma wasn't so speechless. "Gohan! What the heck is wrong with you? Listen to yourself!"

"No, you listen!" He yelled. "I'm fine! I don't need anyone checking up on me! I don't want any checking on! Just leave me alone, okay?!" He didn't want this. Things had been fine before they had to pop up on his doorstep. A wave of nervous tension was trying to strangle his lungs and his hands were shaking and his mom was crying and he really really shouldn't have said any of that. He couldn't even imagine what he sounded like. He'd never argued before, he'd never even cussed in his mother's presence before. He rarely cussed at all...before all this. Why couldn't they just leave well enough alone? Then nobody would get hurt and everything would be okay and they could all just leave each other alone.

He was so absorbed in his upset that he didn't see it coming. He only felt the slap once it landed and it surprised him so much that he stumbled backwards and almost fell onto his ass. He caught himself, though, one hand touching his reddened cheek while wide shocked eyes stared at Bulma's irritated face. The blue haired woman eyed him sternly for a moment, waiting to make sure he wasn't about to slip right back into his angry, near hyperventilating state again. Then she crossed her arms under her breasts in a no-nonsense stance.

"Gohan. The appointment is on Wednesday at five thirty at the research wing of the hospital, room 302. All you have to do is talk. Nothing else. It's just one visit. Then you can decide if you want to continue them."

He stared at her and she stared right back until he couldn't meet her eyes anymore and his gaze fell to the floor. Finally, he nodded like a little boy who knew he'd done wrong and was now going to suck it up and take his medicine. "…okay…" The word tasted like ashes in his mouth, but what could he do? It's not like he had a choice. He never had a choice. They'd find a way to make him no matter what. He might as well just cooperate. He was so worthless. He couldn't even stand up to Bulma. He felt so defeated. And…and…maybe he really did need it…but…but…No! He didn't want to! He didn't want to go and he _didn't_ need to! …but he'd agreed now…he had to go now…

"Thank you, Gohan." Bulma smiled at him and he hated that smile. She knew she'd won. She'd gotten exactly what she wanted. She always did. Really, you couldn't expect anything less from the owner and CEO of Capsule Corp. It was her job to get things done how she wanted, when she wanted, where she wanted. She was good at it. Once again, just like any of the hundred times he'd wished it already, he wished he'd never answered Videl. He wished he hadn't let her make him show up at the Lewis building. He wished he hadn't had anything to do with any of it that day, because then Bulma wouldn't have seen him and wouldn't be butting into things now. …and maybe Gary wouldn't be dead…or maybe he wouldn't have been the one to see him go…and find him gone…at least it wouldn't have been him…

"Oh, Gohan…maybe Bulma's right. You have been acting a little bit different lately... It couldn't hurt. Maybe it'll be good for you to talk about it…if it is because of all the stress. And you know you can always talk to me."

Chichi came up and wrapped her arms around him in a motherly hug that he knew was meant to be comforting. Slowly he forced his arms to lift up and return the gesture, just like expected. He felt so empty all of a sudden. He didn't want to talk. He was an empty shell and he could feel himself cracking all over. Would he look just like his bathroom mirror when he shattered? Exploding in a pretty red flash of glitter? Would someone step on a shard of him and pick him out of their foot and watch their own blood slide along their skin? Sharing his pain. His existence. Would they think it was beautiful? ……maybe he was crazy. If he talked about all the things that went through his head, they really would think he was crazy.

"…can we please talk about this later?" He finally asked. Meekly, giving in, letting go, allowing the shackles to snap closed around him all over again. He glanced guiltily in Lian's direction. She'd already seen the whole thing. It wasn't like any of it could be salvaged. But maybe he could save himself from further humiliation.

Bulma nodded and touched Chichi's shoulder, motioning for her to leave too. Chichi squeezed him tight and kissed his cheek before regretfully heading off with the blue haired bitch who looked so very pleased with how everything had gone. "It'll be okay, sweety," she assured her little boy. "I'll call you later, maybe you can come home for dinner." She even waved uncertainly at Lian. "…um…Goodbye."

When the door clicked closed, he continued to stand there motionless, just staring at the floor. He finally looked up and found Lian watching him with a clear, encouraging smile that did not hold an ounce of condemnation. He didn't understand it. He was so embarrassed. His mother had treated him like a little child and Bulma…who could be construed as some sort of aunt figure or something…since she'd been around so long…had just set him up with a psychiatrist…and Lian had seen it all and still somehow she hadn't gotten clued into to the fact that he was a giant freak. Even after he'd just rolled over for them.

"I…" His voice sounded so very dry. "…sorry about all that. Um…I…" He looked away again and then snatched up his jacket, fingers tripping over themselves as he struggled to find a pocket. "I'm sorry…" He finally found the right one and two pills fell out into his hand.

Lian just shrugged, that smile still ready on her lips. "No worries, Angel. Really."

He grabbed a cup that was sitting on a tv tray and popped the pills onto his tongue, washing them down with a mouthful of warm flat soda. He groaned and stared at the ground for another few seconds before glancing self-consciously at Lian once more. "…I…I… I need to get some air…sorry…" Without another word, he walked out, slamming the door behind him so hard that the window next to it rattled.

* * *

He'd run away, yet again. It seemed he was getting good at running away from things. He'd had so much practice. But he never ran far and now he was sitting, miserable, on a set of stairs on the other side of the apartment complex, safely out of view of mostly everyone with his head in his hands, contemplating all the stupid things he'd said to his mom and Bulma. How could he have lost it like that? It would only make them hound him more if they knew something was wrong with him. He really was just a confused loser, wasn't he? And now they wanted him to see a shrink…after he'd gone all defensive, his mom even agreed to it. 

The sound of thudding footsteps on concrete wasn't enough to bring him out of his depressed reverie, but a familiar voice did make it through his upset. "Hi there…what's up?"

He straightened quickly and wiped at his face as if he could pretend he hadn't been all huddled and miserable a second before. A darkly concerned raccoon mask and glinting chain met him when he finally looked up. "Hey, Tom."

Tom shifted the heavy paper grocery bag he held in his arms. Instead of all black, today the Goth had thrown a splash of color into the mix with lime green fishnet spidering over his arms from beneath a black metalband shirt. "Hey, yourself. You okay, Angelman?"

Gohan shrugged and waved at him distractedly. "'M fine. Just getting some fresh air."

Tom just nodded acceptingly, his head bobbing longer than necessary as he looked Gohan over. Finally he raised his eyebrows questioningly. "Hey, if you're still lookin for more air, Kris an' I were gonna have, like, a night out. We can always use more company to stir things up. Ya think?"

Gohan looked away and shrugged again, absently rubbing at his shoulder, massaging his thumb into the flesh a little harder than necessary. His brow furrowed as he imagined that under the tight, knotted, tender muscles he could feel cold alien metal. "I'm really not the "stir things up" type."

Tom grinned then. "Heh, that's okay, that's my job anyway. I wouldn't want ya stepping on my toes now. But really, man, if you need to step out, you're welcome with us. We like having you around."

Gohan just sighed and let his head hang rather than answering. Tom nodded again as if he completely understood what he couldn't possibly know. He took a few steps closer and spoke again. "Come on, Angel."

He started up the stairs and bumped Gohan gently with his knee. "Come on. Get up." He took a few more steps up and paused again, looking down at Gohan insistently even though he made no move other than to call him again before heading on up the rest of the stairs. "Come on."

With a last sigh, Gohan obediently complied with the verbal prodding. He climbed to his feet with a tired groan and followed after the Goth, shoes thumping heavily on the steps.

Tom ushered him into the darkened apartment, the cloying smell of smoke thick in the living room where Kris lay sprawled on the couch with one of his cigarettes glowing between his fingers. A heavy beat hung loud in the warm room as dark metal rumbled out of a sound system against the wall. It was a fervent, passionate sound that could have been described as intoxicating. Or maybe Gohan was already intoxicated and it only seemed that way. Whatever the truth was, Gohan was surprised that the metal music wasn't grating and screeching and uncomfortable like the few random bits he'd accidentally heard in casual moments throughout his life while interacting with the world. This music was mellow and rich and smooth and very very dark. It sounded almost operatic.  
"Hey, man, look who came back to visit."

Kris looked up and the bright smile that lit up his face managed to touch Gohan even through his morose state. The other young man really did look happy to see him. Gohan moved numbly through the room and sank down onto the couch, Kris moving quickly to make space. "Hey, Angel." He paused, looking Gohan over. Gohan glanced up at him blandly. Was it that obvious? Judging from Kris' next question, it must be. "You okay?"

Gohan didn't answer right away, stalling as he relaxed into the cushions and glanced around the dim, warm room. It felt…cozy here. With the darkened atmosphere and Kris' scent heavy over the couch along with the thick smoke and the haunting melody that rumbled through the room. It was…tranquil. Honestly, that was never the image he used to have of Goths before he met these two. He rather liked this. "…no. Not really."

"Hm." Kris smiled sympathetically and held out his cigarette for Gohan who shook his head. He'd already told them he didn't smoke. That was…how many days ago? Was it Friday already? Huh. It just occurred to him that Lian hadn't mentioned anything about Hope tonight. He suddenly felt bad for ditching her back at his apartment, but there wasn't much to do about it. She was probably gone by now. Kris patted his knee and offered again.  
"Come on, Angel. It's not like it'll give you cancer. It'll help you relax. It helps _me_."

Gohan sighed and finally took the tightly wrapped stick, holding it awkwardly while he tried to figure out what to do with it. "This is the good stuff. Grade A government stock." Kris grinned.

Gohan frowned, not understanding that. "Government? Isn't it all like that?" He asked dumbly.

Kris just stared at him in confusion for a second and then laughed. "No, it's not. Don't tell me you've never tried weed."

Gohan blinked as the realization dawned on him and he blushed. "Oh… Okay, I won't." He looked again at the cigarette. It looked really professionally made…government? Further understanding came slowly. "…Oooooh… You mean it's medical, don't you?"

Kris grinned. "Yup. Perfectly legal. Well…mostly."

Gohan continued to eye the cigarette for another moment and then finally brought it to his lips. He'd barely gotten any smoke in before he was hacking it back out. The Goth patted him on the back and chuckled. "Hey, just take baby puffs at first till you can keep it down. When you can keep it down, then you just take a drag and hold it."

Gohan's eyes were watering, but he tried again. It wasn't long before his head was swimming too. "…wow."

A raccoon mask appeared in front of him and Gohan blinked to bring it into focus. Tom held up a red…blouse? Gohan looked at him skeptically. Was he suggesting…?

"What do you think? I think it would go nicely with your creamy complexion." He put an almost unsanitary emphasis on the word _creamy_.

Gohan just stared at him, his tongue beginning to feel very slow and heavy. "What? On me??"

Kris just looked at Tom in surprise for a moment. "He's coming with us?" Tom grinned and nodded, nose chain flashing above his brilliant white teeth. Kris glanced at Gohan and his smile broadened. "Huh…I think maybe the green one would be better?"

Tom tsked and rolled his eyes but continued grinning.

"Oh fine, ruin my fun. Green one it is."

It took a little extra concentration to get his limbs under control as the two Goths ushered him into the bedroom and flung open the closet doors to an array of…black…with a dash of color here and there among the clothing. He wavered and Kris slid an arm around his waist, leaning up against him and keeping him steady seemingly by accident. He didn't mind at all. Especially when he looked over at the other man and saw that smile. The idea of these two dressing him up like their sister's doll was very intimidating, but that smile made him warm inside. …Sure…he could try this…just once. Why not? Maybe it would be…fun.

* * *

Tom tried excruciatingly hard to get him to wear a fishnet shirt that he swore would "stretch over those sexy muscles and make everyone nuts." Gohan adamantly refused, using the excuse that he didn't want that kind of attention. He didn't want any attention, true, but more honestly, the shirt would have done nothing to hide his scarred shoulder and that was his first and foremost preoccupation. He didn't want people looking at him and he really didn't want them looking at that. Kris, on the other hand, came up with a green shirt, just like he'd suggested. Gohan took it gratefully and pulled it on in the hopes that it would end Tom's pleading. 

He looked at himself dubiously in the mirror. The shirt was some sort of soft, almost fuzzy material sort of like velvet, but not as temperamental. It fit like a tight t-shirt, molding over his chest and stomach. The green material ended at his shoulders where long, tight black sleeves stretched all the way down and half way over his hands. Kris reached over, taking Gohan's hands in his and sliding the material around until he could maneuver Gohan's thumbs through slits in the cuffs. "There, perfect."

Gohan laughed, slightly embarrassed, and looked over the rest of the clothing he now wore. Very baggy black denim jeans with silver loops and studs all through them hung low on his hips, leaving a pale gap where the shirt ended. It turned out that he seemed to have lost some weight again over the past few weeks. He hadn't expected anything the skinny Goths had would fit him. When Tom had found that he wore the same shoe size, he had strapped a pair of black Dockers onto Gohan's feet to go with the jeans. Gohan glanced at Kris and Tom uncertainly. "Are you sure about this?"

Tom just laughed. "Absolutely, man. You're gorgeous! It just needs a few last touches…" And suddenly Tom was wielding an eyeliner pencil and coming at him dangerously. Kris saved him, though. He caught Tom's wrist and wrenched the pencil out of his hand.

"No you don't. You go too nuts with this stuff." He drew Gohan over to the bed, ignoring Tom's pout and sat down. Gohan sort of stumbled after him and bounced heavily onto the mattress. It looked like those pills he'd taken were starting to work. Maybe he shouldn't have taken two of them. He'd already taken one not long before all that crap happened and, like Lian said, they really were strong.

He didn't even try to argue about the makeup. He'd decided to play along and he was going to. He was kind of curious now anyway…about what it would be like. Would it change anything? Did you become a different person when you went through all this stuff? The clothes make the man, right? So what did this make him right now? He wanted to find out. He wondered if he would be disappointed. So he sat still while Kris cupped his cheek and told him to close his eyes, the cold soft tip of the pencil sliding over his skin. It was a strange feeling. A slightly tickling, slightly stinging, almost a wet sensation that made his eyelids feel heavy. Then Kris told him to open his eyes and look up at the ceiling. He did and again the feeling came while the black tip slid along the line of his lower lashes. He couldn't help blinking, imagining what would happen if the other man slipped…just an inch, but Kris didn't say anything about the movements and he didn't slip and then it was over.

It took him a second to realize it was done and he brought his eyes down to look at Kris. The man was studying him…or was he studying his handiwork? Whichever it was, Kris smiled at him, a quiet, calm, accomplished smile. "Your eyes are really pretty. They're so black and this just makes them darker…like they'll draw you right into them…"

Gohan felt the heat rise in his cheeks as he blushed. He didn't know what to say to that, so he just looked away and didn't say anything, looking for the mirror. When he found it, he almost didn't recognize himself. It wasn't like the black outline around his eyes made a huge difference, but it was so unexpected that for a second he couldn't believe it was him…it did make him look different. Suddenly Kris appeared in the reflection, looping an inch thick leather strap around Gohan's neck. Unlike the studded collars the two young men wore, this one was just plain black leather with one single chrome loop hanging down from the middle which fluttered coolly against the hollow of his throat when he turned his head. It felt strange but…  
"Looks good on you."  
Gohan smiled. But it looked good on him.

Kris leaned in and Gohan's breath caught as Kris' nose brushed intimately against his cheek. Then lips brushed his in a light kiss that tentatively turned firmer when he did nothing to dissuade it. Gohan sighed through his nose, hesitantly returning the kiss, his eyes flickering to the mirror curiously. Was that really him? Was that person in the mirror…that young man…being kissed by a skinny Goth…could that really be him? It didn't feel like him… But he didn't really like what being him felt like. So…why not? It felt good to be that person in the mirror…why couldn't it be him?

When Kris finally relinquished his lips, he felt dizzy and his knees were weak and his stomach was fluttering and he was sure that the only things keeping him steady on his feet were Kris' arms around him. Kris rubbed noses with him and he shivered, looking down at the other's chest with an awkwardly self-conscious blush. He could feel the Goth's eyes on him. He could imagine the expression on Kris' face. And…whatever else was going on in his life…after everything else he'd dealt with and was dealing with… It was probably such a foolish thought, but…having someone look at him like this felt so very good. As long as someone was looking at him like this, he felt like he could ignore everything else.

"So…uh…where are we going?"

* * *


	15. Bleeding And Bruised

**I Recall The Light  
**I'm beginning to really get an idea of where this will eventually go. I had always had something in mind, but now it is fleshing itself out better than I ever imagined. And more complexly.  
**The Dark Smothers Me**

**Shinedown – Fake Lyrics**

This place has begun to cover me  
I recall the light, but the dark smothers me  
I prefer the feelings I know right now  
I don't worry about feeling very proud

You don't know how it feels  
To be misunderstood  
To reach for the sky  
I thought you never would  
You don't know how it feels  
To be misunderstood  
To reach for the sky  
I thought you never would

But I'm bleeding, and my hands are bruised  
From the grip that I once had on you  
And I'm open for a new way  
Because there's not much more that I can fake

It's almost seeing your soul for the first time  
And watching the mirror show you life in rewind  
Capture the ridicule of everyone  
I'm tired of trying, and they wonder why I'm gone

You don't know how it feels  
To be misunderstood  
To reach for the sky  
I thought you never would  
You don't know how it feels  
To be misunderstood  
To reach for the sky  
I thought you never would

But I'm bleeding, and my hands are bruised  
From the grip that I once had on you  
And I'm open for a new way  
Because there's not much more that I can fake

I can't fake it

* * *

It was probably such a foolish thought, but…having someone look at him like this felt so very good. As long as someone was looking at him like this, he felt like he could ignore everything else.

"So…uh…where are we going?"

**

* * *

Warnings: Drug and alcohol abuse, adult language, domestic violence, adult situations.**

**Characters**: OCs Lian, Tom, Kris, Derek, the orderly. Cameos by Videl, Bulma.

**

* * *

Bleeding and Bruised**

He woke up with a gasp, stiffening and then freezing tensely in place. He didn't even dare to breathe until he had a chance to gather his groggy wits and understand what had happened. He was laying alone in his warm soft bed, wrapped snuggly in a heavy blanket and the window across the room was bright with late afternoon sunlight. Nothing looked out of place. Nothing seemed to be wrong. Nothing out of the ordinary happened for a long moment as his eyes moved around the room. He finally started to relax again only to have a very sharp internal pain suddenly flare to life in his chest. Reflexively he sucked in another tense lungful of air and gasped again as that made the pain worsen and lance up the left side of his neck.

Slowly, oh so slowly, he tried to shift his position only to gasp in pain again. Panting shallowly to keep that stabbing sensation from slicing through him again, he stared up at the ceiling while he tried to identify the source of pain. It was radiating from his shoulder along the collar bone and halfway down his back along the spine. What did he do now? He gingerly tried to move his arm, but the sore muscles around his shoulder socket and down his bicep protested sharply. Clumsily, he dragged his arm upwards and rested it on the pillow to remove some of the weight from his shoulder. He couldn't even lift his head. "Aah…ow…"

He pushed the comforter off with his good arm and had to use the same arm to lift his head up off the pillow just so he could look himself over. Everything seemed to be in the right place. He was wearing a pair of shorts and a plain black t-shirt that he'd somehow changed into once he'd fumbled his way home from Tom and Kris' apartment. It just…oh gosh…it just hurt like hell. He tried to lay still until the pain subsided, but every time he began to relax something would set it off again. Either he would breathe too deeply or he'd try to shift just a little because he wasn't comfortable anymore. "…hahh…damn it…"

With a groan, he forced his pained frame to roll and pushed himself up onto his knees with his good arm. Just the gravity pulling down on him was enough to make him moan. Slowly, he tried to stretch cramped, screaming muscles, but they only screamed louder for being bothered. He whined and thumped back down on the bed, rolling onto his back again, his head lolling off the edge of the mattress painfully. Oddly, even with the nasty strain pulling on his shoulder, it actually felt a little better this way. He hooked his good arm behind his head and lifted slightly, just to take the weight off his neck. Gee…he was comfortable now… He glared at the ceiling. He was not going to be able to stay like this, but it was helping some. Carefully, using his good arm, he tilted his neck a bit, stretching slowly, seeing how much range of motion he could get before his spine protested.

He could still move, but it hurt when all the muscles and bones were forced to work in tandem. Great. He groaned unhappily. Something must have slipped out of where it was supposed to be. He hadn't been doing anything! Nothing that should have caused this…at least he didn't think so… A vague memory surfaced as he wracked his fuzzy mind and he remembered himself standing on the edge of a pier overlooking the starlit bay. Perhaps _standing_ was a bit too loose of a term because he really hadn't had any balance to speak of. Not that anyone else in the group had been much better off where sobriety was concerned. He remembered being jostled while the other guys were horsing around and he looked over to see Tom tip backwards as he was knocked from his precarious perch on top of the railing. Then everything blurred and suddenly he'd been half bent over the rail himself, holding onto Tom's wrist with his injured arm.

Okay. That probably explained the pain he was in now. He hadn't felt any strain at the time…but he hadn't been able to pull Tom back up on his own either. He should have been able to lift the skinny Goth right up without any problems, but he couldn't and he'd nearly been pulled over with the other man as well. Finally Kris and some of the other guys in the group had grabbed him and pulled him back up and scrambled to get a hold of Tom too. They had all been pretty wasted and it had been really very funny at the time... He definitely hadn't felt any strain then. It wasn't very funny now. Now it was agonizing.

Shit, how many fights had he been in…and lost…and gotten pummeled by…and still managed to get away from without any really terrible injuries?! But this one thing, this one stupid injury by a fucking human's weapon was constantly tearing him down time after time. What the hell was this?! Was it his punishment? Was he being punished for failing so miserably? Was that it?

He sobbed helplessly and brought up his wounded arm to help hold his head while trying to stretch the muscles at the same time. After a few minutes, his frame began to feel better and he just concentrated on breathing, calming his mind, forcing the tension out of his body so that the muscles could loosen and allow things to settle back into place where they should be. When he could breathe without pain, he sighed in relief. Soon he was only feeling twinges. It was _so_ much better and he was growing tired. Pushing up off the edge, he sat up and gasped as the pain flooded right back into him again. It wasn't better at all, the position had merely taken some of the strain away. Now that he was upright, it hurt all over again. He whined and held still, trying to will his shoulder and neck into peacefulness. He wanted to go back to sleep. Maybe if he could just go back to sleep this would go away and it would be all better by the time he woke up. That sounded like a wonderful plan.

Gingerly, he laid down again, gasping and panting quietly as he tried to ease into a position that wasn't horribly excruciating. He even managed to get the blanket back on and huddled there, tossing the pillow away because his neck felt better without the extra cushion and then pulling the pillow back and wedging it under his back so that his shoulder and arm were elevated some. There…he found just the right angle and let his eyes fall closed again, hoping that the blessed black void that was sleep would come quickly.

* * *

Groaning like an old man riddled with arthritic joints, Gohan crawled out of bed, arm tucked close against his chest and neck held as straight as possible. He shuffled into his bathroom and sank onto the toilet lid and just rested for a moment. He was in so much pain that he didn't want to move, but he couldn't bear the thought of sitting still and just enduring it either. Finally, as if the simple action cost all of his precious energy, he reached out with his good arm and slowly spun the handle for the shower faucet to Hot. Then he leaned back and waited for the steam to come. Getting the t-shirt off was one of the most difficult things he could remember ever doing in his life. How in the world did he ever get it on in the first place? He didn't have the slightest clue. If he didn't think that he would regret it, he might have tried to tear the thin shirt off, but he was sure it wouldn't be worth the effort exerted and the action would probably end up being horrendously unpleasant. Plus, at the moment, he wasn't sure if he even had the ability, he felt too weak and shaky.

By the time he wrestled his way out of his clothing, the room was thick with smoky vapor and he stepped into the shower, easing under the boiling spray with an uncomfortable hiss. The pitter pat of water on his body hurt just as much as the gravity did, but the heat was what he wanted. The heat was wonderful. It made his muscles feel like they were melting beneath his flushed, reddened skin. That was what he needed. For a moment he wished that he had a tub along with his shower so that he could sink into it and soak the heat in. Along with that thought came a whisper of the memory of Gary laying in ten inches of frigid water, but Gohan was in so much pain that the image sparked no emotion and he brushed it away like so much silt on his skin. He really couldn't be bothered to obsess about that now. It wasn't like Gary felt anything anymore. Gary wasn't in pain anymore. Gary was blissfully unaware of all this shit. Gary didn't have to deal with the ongoing farce that was existence. Gary had it easy. Gohan wanted a fucking tub so he could drown his fucking body until it shut the fuck up and left him alone. Tilting the shower head, he pressed his chest to the warm wall, his cheek resting on the smooth tiles, and just let the spray wash down his neck and shoulder and back until the hot water began to turn cool.

Shivering in the misty room, he shut off the water and stood in front of the sink, resting his back against the porcelain bowl. The mirror above the sink was still a jagged, shattered blank, but a second mirror still hung unblemished on the opposite wall. At long last, he slid his right hand over the glass, wiping wet smears through the foggy frost until a distorted reflection stared back. He frowned and leaned in closer to inspect his own pale face, made paler by the ashen circles beneath his dark eyes and the black hair stretching limp and wet down his cheeks in the front and creeping down toward his shoulders at the back. He turned the angle of his face and winced, moving more slowly as his neck muscles protested. Did his cheeks look kind of hollow? He imagined that there was more of a shadow along the bones than he remembered there being before. His gaze slid lower and he wiped off more of the smoky mirror. He hadn't really examined himself…not really. Not since he'd first torn his cast off. He had made a point of avoiding such personal scrutiny. He hadn't wanted to face it, but now his eyes slid curiously over his own flesh as if he were seeing himself for the first time.

The map of scars stood out in bright red, angry relief against his pale skin, thick and rough where the sutures and stitches had pinched his flesh back together. It was an ugly testament to his personal lacking. It was a designation of cowardice tattooed onto his body for all the world to see and understand. He had been marked and he knew he deserved every single inch of it. It was fitting.

He remembered Kris' scars, flowing like melted wax along his torso and sweeping up his spine. Did Kris deserve his scars? Did they fit him? He'd said…what had he said? He said they were just a part of him now. He owned them. They were no big deal. Old news. Did that mean that…Gohan could own his own scar? Did he even dare think such a thing? Did he want to? Could he come to terms with it just…just being a part of him? Just a part of him like his face or his hair or his ki…or his failure? That it shared in making up who and what he was? If so…what did it make him? What did he gain from it? What could he possibly have gained other than sorrow and pain and agony and guilt? Guilt for everything that he was supposed to stand for and was supposed to be made up of and was so very lacking in… Everything that this scar stood for was a complete contradiction of everything he had ever known as he grew up. He should hate it. In a way, he did. But also, in a very unimaginable, confusing way, he didn't. In some twisted and uncertain, distorted way he was grateful for it.

Reaching up with his right hand, he stroked his fingers over the scars and flesh that covered the false bone. Somehow, he could feel the difference even through his skin. He imagined he could feel what a ruse it was. How it was smoother or rougher than it should be. How the fake bone stood out slightly more prominently than the original had. How it felt cold even though his skin was still steaming from the shower. He traced his fingers over the hollows just above the collar bones, noting how they seemed to sink in further than they ever did before. His chest wasn't as chiseled as it used to be, neither were his shoulders. And now that he was looking at it, his injured shoulder had lost even more muscle bulk than the rest of his body. He could see the difference even if no one else might notice. No wonder he hadn't been able to lift Tom. He slowly raised his left arm and flexed. The muscles shivered and stuttered and strained and he let them loosen quickly before the tugging on his neck turned painful. Was he really that weak now that he couldn't even flex his arm anymore? How pathetic.

He didn't bother trying to dry himself, it would only strain his back. He padded on carefully steady feet out to the living room, stepping over hastily castoff clothing in search of his jacket. Finally he found it strewn on the television and fished out his bottle of pills, cracking it open and dryly swallowing two white tablets. A blinking red light on the answering machine drew his attention and he grimaced. At some time or other he must have shut off the sound to the message alert. With no little amount of apprehension he pressed the play button. Out poured the mechanical voice of a hospital clerk saying that he had missed a follow up appointment and asking if he would like to schedule getting re-cast. He blinked and stared at the machine dumbly, his stomach knotting as if he were a little child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Re-cast? How could they know that he'd gotten rid of his cast? Unless someone told them. Bulma would have, he was sure she would. But, as sure as he was that she would, the idea still seemed strange. It took a moment for him to realize that of course they didn't know. …_Re_-cast! They just wanted to change his old cast for a new one! How stupid of him to think anything else. He laughed at himself in sudden relief and erased the message along with the multitude of other messages he'd been ignoring for the past week.

In the bedroom, he grabbed one of his last button ups and somehow managed to get it on while only using one hand. He even got the buttons straight despite how reticent he was to move his weak arm, hugging it close to his chest like a fragile infant. His pants were more difficult, but he pulled the jeans on with minor grumbles and groans, using his tail to aid in the task. Thank goodness for extra appendages. He laughed and slumped onto his bed as he cast around for his shoes. The hardest part turned out to be tying his shoelaces. Bending down caused gravity to yank mercilessly on his muscles and once he got his shoes secured, he had to lean back and relax as much as possible just to be able to take a full breath again. He couldn't go on this way, he couldn't stand it. He had never felt anything like this pain before. It was an ache that was seated deep inside him and just lingered and throbbed and stabbed with a life all its own. He rubbed his shoulder roughly and growled at the new pain his fingers caused as they dug in impatiently. He had to do something. Anything to dull this and make it go away.

Pulling his jacket on, he slid his weak hand into the left pocket and let it rest, using his jacket like a make-shift sling. It weighed down on his shoulder and neck, but as long as he countered the weight with his right arm and let the material sit just right on his good shoulder, it was manageable. He stopped in front of his door and stared at it blankly for a long few minutes. What was he going to do? He wanted…well…he wanted…

He shuffled his feet guiltily and grimaced at himself. He wanted a really strong drink…and he wanted to just…and he felt so bad about that. Why should he feel so bad? There wasn't anything wrong with a little drinking and there wasn't anything wrong with wanting to numb this pain and if everyone else could do it then why shouldn't he be allowed to do it even if he was not around them? There wasn't any reason he shouldn't, he asserted. So he would and that was that! It wasn't going to hurt anyone if he got something to drink. He grabbed his sunglasses from the table by the door and stepped out of his apartment and headed off.

* * *

Some time later Gohan found himself in the cold, noisy atmosphere of the supermarket staring uncertainly at isles and isles of glass bottles. He was hopelessly lost among the myriad of labels and names. He didn't know what half of these liquids were, much less where to even start looking. There were two isles of…wine? Over half the words were in strange, expensive sounding languages so he moved to the next row which contained cases of smallish bottles whose contents came in fruity flavors. These looked sort of interesting, but to be honest, he was really looking for quantity…not to experiment. The beer he could understand, though there were more variants than he could possibly wrap his head around and he didn't know the difference between any of them. The next row held more bottles filled with brown or clear liquids. Curiously, he scanned the labels and actually recognized some of the names. Whiskey…Jack Daniels…Black Velvet…Rum…Vodka…

He stopped at the last group of clear bottles and stared at the different colored labels. Flavored Vodka? He distinctly remembered that flavored Vodka was really good, but he couldn't remember what flavor he had tried. Glancing around self-consciously, he pondered the bottles again, a warm blush rising on his cheeks. Was he really thinking of buying alcohol? The idea made him so uncomfortable, as if people walking buy were looking at him. As if they knew that he…that he…that he what? That he was going to drink it? That he liked it? Was there something wrong with that? It wasn't like he was underage. The store sold alcohol. People bought alcohol all the time all day long, so why should he feel guilty or embarrassed for buying a bottle of Vodka?? He shouldn't! There wasn't any good reason he should feel like this. This was all his family's fault. They were the ones that put these fool notions into his head that normal, everyday, average things could be bad. He grumbled and picked up a bottle of strawberry flavored Vodka. There was nothing wrong with him buying this. He was going to buy it and he was going to enjoy it and there wasn't anything anybody could do to stop him.

That's what he ought to talk to that shrink about. He could tell him about all the weird, conservative crap that his mom had pummeled into him since he was little. He certainly couldn't tell some psychotherapist about any of the other pummeling he'd gotten throughout his life. He growled in frustration. What the hell could he possibly tell a doctor who was trained in treating psychos anyway? That he was a half alien super hero that was really bad at his job? Anything he told the guy would just get him institutionalized. What was Bulma thinking? He rubbed the cool bottle against his temple and closed his eyes tiredly. He didn't want to think about it. He just wanted to get home again. With a last hesitant look at the shelves, he picked up another bottle, this one was green apple flavored, and headed for the checkout. Head down and eyes on the floor, he couldn't bring himself to make eye contact with anyone. He just wanted out of there and away from all those eyes that he was sure were following his stiff, guilty looking back.

* * *

The weekend passed in a slow blur as Gohan lounged in the stuffy darkness of his apartment. He didn't open any windows or answer the phone or even consider stepping outside. If there had been any knocks at the door, he certainly wasn't going to answer. He'd learned his lesson on that matter. He completely withdrew deep into his little cave to hibernate away the days just like he had when he had first come home from the hospital. He didn't move, he didn't eat, he just drowned himself in sweet Vodka and medication while he tried to forget that any of this existed. He just wanted the pain to fade, but it was his constant company hour by hour. He could even feel it in his sleep and as he wandered the gray landscape of his dreams he would constantly rub at his shoulder or cradle his arm close.

He shuffled through an uncomfortable, gray, melancholy landscape of dreams filled with strange people and places where he watched them all hang out with one another and have such a calm camaraderie and he was so very envious. He wanted to join them. He wanted to know that feeling of belonging. He wanted to be one of them. But he was stuck on the outskirts, forever just a specter sentenced to watch and yearn. In some dreams Lian would come up to him and try to draw him in with that beautiful smile of hers, but he was always too slow and so she would go off without him to join the rest. She fit in perfectly with them. He couldn't understand even in his dreams why she cared about him at all.

He even dreamed of Kris. Different dreams from the others, filled with nervous uncertainty and embarrassment. Awkward dreams that more often than not he would wake up from and lay in the dark, dizzy and thick tongued, with a sharp pang of disappointment. Whether it was himself or Kris that was disappointed depended on the dream. And then there were dark hot dreams busy with shaky fumbling, heavy breath, and husky murmurs. He didn't know what to think when he woke from those. Part of him was mortified at the things his mind was making up. Part of him wanted to go back to sleep and delve as deep into the dream as he could, but he never managed to make it to a satisfying end in those dreams. Though…he honestly wasn't sure what a satisfying end would be.

* * *

Monday finally crept its way through his drapes and with it came Lian to rouse him for work. Pulling her into a clumsy hug, he pressed his nose into her fresh shirt that smelled of detergent and soap and leather and smoke from that jacket she always wore. With a depressed sigh, he apologized for leaving her all alone on Friday. She just smiled and hugged him back, running her fingers through his messy hair, and told him that she understood that he needed some time to himself. It was okay.

He hugged her tighter. "I really…I…" He stuttered, his cheeks flushing as he clumsily tried to express himself and failed miserably, just like with so many other things. But he wanted her to know, even if she laughed, even if he just embarrassed himself. It was important that he got this out. "…I love you, Lian. You know that? You're just…you're perfect. I hope that you know you're perfect."

She did laugh at him, but it was a good kind of laugh and she continued petting his hair without any of the awkwardness he felt. "It's nice to be loved by an angel." She replied happily and her voice softened. "It'll all work out, Angel. You'll see."

He didn't have a response for that. He didn't believe it. Not one bit. But it was nice to hear her say it. Now that she was here, it meant that life had to resume once more. He had to move again. Moving made his shoulder numb and his arm ache and his heart turn to lead, but he would do it for her. When he looked up, her smile changed and she touched his cheek as she looked into his eyes.

"What?"

She grinned. "It looks good on you. I can touch it up if you like."

He blinked at her, completely confused and sure that it wasn't just because of the Vodka. "Huh?"

She giggled, sliding her thumb alongside one of his eyes. "Your eyes. It's mostly worn away, but it looks nice. You want me to touch it up?"

His eyes…his eyeliner? It was still there? He'd forgotten all about it. Cheeks flushing brightly, he shook his head and looked down with a shyly embarrassed smile. "Uh…no…I should…I should go wash it off…I forgot about it…It wasn't really my idea…"

She just continued to grin, but her expression took on a coy, knowing aspect. "Alright, but it still looks nice."

* * *

Time seemed to stutter. Sometimes it stopped altogether and sometimes it leapt past and was gone without any warning. He couldn't understand how it happened, but suddenly it was Wednesday.

Gohan sat in his cubicle, his arm propped up on the desk. His pinky and middle finger had gone numb two hours ago, but he'd found that there wasn't much he could do about that. The numbness would come and go whenever it pleased and would just get worse if he messed with his back. Of course, it was hard not to mess with it. He found himself constantly rubbing and worrying his shoulder, rolling it, flexing the muscles in his back as he tried to stretch them and only ended up making them tighter. It made him have to lean over in his chair to keep the weight off his back, which made his lower back ache some, but it was better than enduring the sharp pain in his shoulder. Maybe he should go back to the doctor…though that meant he'd have to admit to them that he had taken the cast off and then he would have to explain how he had healed so quickly and he just…didn't want to deal with that. He was sure there was some sort of physical therapy that he probably was supposed to do…not that he really wanted to do anything like that either…but it _hurt_. He was so tired of the constant hurt. He couldn't think past it.

Lian peeked into his little cubicle. "Hey, Angel. You okay?"

Gohan just huffed and looked up at her groggily. "I guess. Just…achy. It's pissing me off."

She nodded understandingly. She'd been witness to his discomfort for long enough now that she didn't need any explanation. "Yeah, I bet. So…" She looked at him questioningly for a second before continuing. "You busy tonight?"

Gohan just sat there for a minute, a grimace surfacing on his lips. Was he busy? He knew what she meant. He had an appointment in half an hour. That was another reason for his bad temper. He'd been thinking about it all day and the more he thought about it, the more certain he was that it was impossible to do what Bulma wanted. He couldn't. There wasn't anything he could talk to this shrink about. There wasn't anything he _wanted_ to talk to him about. But what did that matter? The answer was it didn't. It didn't matter. Nothing really mattered. It didn't matter what he wanted. It didn't matter what he told the shrink. It just…didn't matter, he thought helplessly. The statement was a bitterly bland assertion. So…was he busy tonight?

He glanced up at Lian for a long moment and then leaned back in his chair. "You think… Think you could make me one of those…chocolate milk…drink things…? You know the thing I'm talking about? I dunno what it was, but it was great."

She grinned and shrugged, blond curls bouncing. "Yeah, I remember. Sure, I can. It'll be my treat."

Gohan hesitated for a long minute and then nodded, a slow half smile blooming on his lips. "Alright, then. That would be great." He climbed out of his chair with an achy groan, not bothering to shut off the computer. It didn't matter. He decided he didn't have to deal with it. Any of it. "I'm not busy. Let's go."

* * *

Five thirty came and went, but not without Gohan noticing. He found himself looking for the time constantly even while trying to ignore its passage. Five thirty-five…five forty…five forty-three… He'd definitely missed his appointment. Six o'clock came and he wondered if this was the sort of doctor that would call you to let you know you forgot to show up. Ten after six, if he was that sort of doctor, then Bulma would know by now that Gohan had skipped out on her.

"Hey." At six twenty-five, Lian touched his good shoulder, bringing his gaze away from the clock.

He glanced up abruptly and blinked her, his bleak mood written clearly on his limp features. He shrugged under her concerned expression. "It's not important. Don't worry about it."

She tilted her head, blond locks swinging. She pursed her lips as she regarded him for a moment. "Will you play cards with us this time?"

Gohan hesitated and then nodded. "Yeah, sure. Why not?"  
Why not, indeed. He had the whole night. He dreaded going home afterwards. Of course, Bulma would hunt him down anywhere if she really wanted to, so it didn't matter. But nothing mattered anyway…and he should just enjoy himself and relax and maybe his shoulder would stop hurting too. That crawling feeling of numbness in his back had turned to sharp aching pains lancing down his arm. He just wanted it to stop. Through the game, holding the cards made it even more obvious that his twitching hand just wouldn't hold still so he settled it limp in his lap, holding the cards with his right hand and only using his sore arm when he really needed to. It was becoming a habit, every where he went and everything he did, his sore arm would settle somewhere out of the way where it would be bothered as little as possible.

Partway through the night he was holding a particularly good hand of cards when hands suddenly descended over his eyes, blinding him. "Guess who it is!"

It didn't take much thought to place the brightly energetic voice or the teasing tone even without being able to see the raccoon mask. "Heh…hey, Tom… You mind? I'm winning for once."

Tom laughed and slung his arm roughly around Gohan's neck, causing a slight twinge as he greeted everyone else around the table cheerfully. "Hey, everyone! You see this guy?" He pointed at Gohan with his other hand and hugged his neck. "This guy here is my guardian angel! Saved my life. Plucked me damn well right outa the sky."

Beer was strong on Tom's breath, but it didn't bother Gohan at all. He wasn't quite sober himself. Far from it. "…not…out of the sky…" He hedged, looking embarrassed under everyone's gaze and shifting uncomfortably, trying to pry Tom's grip loose with his good arm.

Tom just grinned. "Tsk. Pretty close. This guy! Best guy I ever knew! My bro, man! You're my bro! Anything you ever need…okay? Anything!" He hugged Gohan again and then waved, stumbling from the room, pausing just long enough to shout back. "Anything! Got that? Anytime!"

Gohan glanced sheepishly around the table at the bright, amused grins as the barely coherent Goth wandered off again. Lian had a wide smile on her lips and was nodding in understanding. "Ah. I see now. So that's what happened." The card game resumed again. "The arm feeling any better yet?"

"It's alright." Gohan just shrugged, only moving his right shoulder, and turned his attention back to his cards. Pretending as if Tom had never appeared and proclaimed him a hero. He wasn't. He did what anyone else would have done. No more than that. He wasn't capable of more than that. That's all anyone should ever ask for.

* * *

It wasn't until the following Friday that Gohan heard from the blue haired CEO. Bulma called him at work to berate him for missing the meeting and demanded an explanation. Gohan, still in pain and numb from achy, sleepless nights, just rested his cheek on his arm on the desk. His shoulder was protesting especially strongly today and he just couldn't pull his mind off the pain to give her the attention that she thought she was due.

"I'm sorry, Bulma. I forgot about it." He replied flatly. "I don't know what you expected me to be able to tell a shrink anyway. It's not like I could just come out and tell him I'm a crime fighter or anything. It's really not worth…"

Bulma cut him off abruptly. "Gohan, this guy is a professional and he's not a _shrink_, he's a _therapist_. I already prepped him on the fact that you're not his average patient and that everything you told him would be 100 backed up by me. You don't have to worry about any of that. He's bound by doctor/patient confidentiality anyway so he wouldn't tell a soul anything you said to him. Now…I talked to him again and he says he has time to see you today. _Today_, Gohan. You can't forget that, can you? Five thirty again, don't be late."

Gohan stuck his tongue out at the phone, making a childish face at it, then put it back to his ear and sighed. "Yeah, sure. I won't forget again. I promise." He didn't wait for her to reply before hanging up the phone. "Yeah, sure." He said to himself and rolled his eyes. He had no intention of going to this appointment either and, though he still felt guilty, it didn't feel at all as bad as it had been the first time.

This time he was the one to go and get Lian from her desk. "Ready?"

She looked up from her computer screen in surprise and then glanced at the clock. "Already? It's only four forty-one."

Gohan gave a lopsided shrug and made a face. "Nobody will notice. Half the office always leaves early anyway. Come on, it's Friday. Why not?"

Lian nodded sagely as if he'd said something inspiringly philosophical. "You're absolutely right, Angel. Let's start the weekend early." She quickly put her desk right for the night and got up, curling her arm around Gohan's waist as they walked out of the office. Comfortably he slung his right arm over her shoulders, his left resting limp in his pocket as usual.  
"Hey, are you up for something new tonight?"

"Hmm?" He glanced down at her blurrily. "Sure, I guess."

Lian smiled. "Great. There's a party over on Cedar. Derek really wants to go. His brother is in that fraternity and we're friends with the band that's playing too."

Gohan faltered for a second. "A party?"

Lian gave his waist a gentle squeeze. "Yeah. We never stay long at these things. We just show up to see the guys play and hang out for a bit." She laughed softly. "And to make the preps all a little uncomfortable."

Gohan thought for a moment and then grunted in assent. "Yeah, sure…but don't mind me if I'm a little stiff…I'm never good at these things…"

That didn't faze Lian an ounce. "Naw, there's nothing to these things and they usually have expensive beer. It'll be fine."

It was beginning to get dark when Gohan, Lian, and Derek walked up the steps of the fraternity house, only three blocks over from Hope. Festivities were already in full swing and the beat of the rock band was loud enough to deafen the entire block. It was just like all the other parties he remembered Videl dragging him to…but then again…he'd never drank at any of those. He was willing to try one more, just to see if it might make a difference. The first thing they did was make a stop at the bar and Gohan washed down his evening dose of meds along with a swallow of extra dry stout.

Interestingly enough, after a little while Gohan was just fine. He was better than fine. He was buzzing nicely, sprawled on a couch listening to Lian talk animatedly with Derek's older brother. He seemed like a nice happy guy, just as laid back as Derek, but with a hyper flair rather than Derek's slow, relaxed manner. It was actually Derek who came up and announced he'd "had enough of these rich-ass-punks" and said he was going to head out. Derek's brother just laughed and Lian got up, tugging lightly on Gohan's good arm and coaxing him onto his feet.

"Mmm…coming…I'm coming…" Gohan wavered on his feet for a second, blood flow seeming to struggle with the new taller position. Derek tugged his strong arm over his shoulders and linked Lian linked arms on Derek's opposite side and they all sort of stumbled out that way, laughing and giggling when they finally made it out to the lawn and flopped on the grass.

There was a soft _snick_ sound and Gohan glanced over at where Derek was lighting one of his homemade cigarettes that smelled so familiar. He now knew what it was thanks to Kris. Derek took a deep drag and saw him looking and offered the twisted stick with a lopsided smile. Gohan only hesitated a second before smiling back and taking it. He only took a light breath of the stuff, not wanting to embarrass himself by hacking up a lung in front of his friends. It tasted different. Or was it just the texture of the smoke? Whatever it was, it sure added a nice rush to his already buzzed and blurred brain. He wasn't sure. Lian relieved him of it and took a long heavy drag herself before handing it back to Derek with a grinning sigh, turning and laying down in the grass, head pillowed against Gohan's side. "See? Told you it wouldn't be a bad night, angel."

Derek grinned, blowing smoke rings into the still air, turning mimicking Lian's position on Gohan's left side. "Yeah. We may come to their parties, but we're still us. We bring our own atmosphere with us. They can choke on theirs all they want." It might have been a slightly bitter sounding motto, but who cared? Derek stated it as if it were merely a fact, and it probably was exactly that. This was the first time Gohan had come to one of these places and not felt the least bit tense or self-conscious.

Gohan crossed his legs and absently ran fingers through the blond locks curling over his right thigh while he rested his weak arm on Derek's bony chest. He couldn't help but smile, surrounded by the warmth of the other two pressed in on him. Like a litter of puppies sprawled exhaustedly on top of one another in a warm huddle. He didn't know what brought that image to mind, but it was a thoughtlessly comfortable picture that he was perfectly content with. More than content. "Heh, yeah. It's all good." He borrowed Lian's words and smiled tiredly. They fit. They fit and it felt pretty damn good just now.

A shadow fell across their little group, blocking the light of the street lamp a few yards away. They all squinted up at the backlit shape standing on the grass with them. Derek put up an arm to shade his eyes. "Yeah?"

Gohan barely stifled a groan when the shape snapped his name. "Gohan! What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be at counseling tonight?"

Oh gods, not now… Gohan looked away, a pained expression crossing his features. With a sigh, he spoke tiredly, refusing to answer the invasive question. Instead, he posed one of his own. "What do you want, Videl?"

The woman crossed her arms, hip cocked like a gun, her angry, self-important expression hidden by the dark. "I heard Erasa and Sharpner saw you hanging out and here I find you with a girl in your lap! So what's going on, Gohan?" She demanded sharply. "You say you need time alone and here you are out carousing with a couple tweakers at a damn frat party?!"

Gohan glared, but before he could reply Derek's shocked voice echoed over the lawn. "Dude…is Videl Hercule your girlfriend??" He actually sounded impressed. Gohan groaned.

Videl glared at Derek and pointed at the cigarette in his hand. "That's right! And you keep your shit away from him. He doesn't need that crap in his life." Then she glared at Lian who hadn't moved, but was looking up with a wide eyed, incredulous expression at Videl. "And I'd appreciate it if you got out of _my boyfriend's_ lap, thanks so much!"

Even though Derek and Lian had both staked out an amount of Gohan's lap, it seemed that Videl was only concerned with the half that was sporting female anatomy. Gohan rested his good hand on Lian's shoulder protectively. "I think you should go now, Videl."

Videl's angry gaze went to him again. "Enough is enough, Gohan. It's time you came home and we talked this all out. I'm tired of you dancing around everything and ignoring me and…whatever _this_ is!"

Gohan rolled his eyes helplessly and made a disgusted sound. "There's nothing to talk about, Videl." He looked over at Derek as if seeking some help, but the teen was still in awe over Videl's patronage so he nudged Lian and she sat up and climbed to her feet with him. She hadn't said a word to Videl and had on an air of intensely indifferent nonchalance toward the antagonistic woman. Derek quickly rolled to his feet now that he had lost his headrest. Gohan wavered, light-headed as he tried to get his balance.

"………Gohan……are you drunk???" She sounded so shocked that he almost laughed.

Instead, he just cast her a sarcastic look and hooked his arm over Lian's shoulders, turning his back on the woman. "Come on, can we get out of here?"

"Don't you walk away from me! You were supposed to go to counseling! And you went to a party to get drunk with some skanky blond instead! Shit, Gohan! You've got problems. You really do need help. Gohan, get back here!" Videl caught hold of his scarred shoulder and spun him painfully around to face her.

Gohan hissed in pain at the contact and jerked back, almost falling over Lian. He was really surprised when little Derek stepped in between and pushed Videl back with an indignant yell. "Hey! Back off! What the hell is your problem?!"

"_You_ back off, weirdo. Gohan, you're coming with me right now!" Videl snapped back.

Gohan backed up a few steps before finally standing his ground. "I already told you, Videl. I'm done with you! Don't you get it? Just leave me alone. There's nothing to talk about." That voice that had become so very useful lately piped up again, whispering its little advice in his ear once more. It said that this was the exact reason he didn't want to have to care anymore. Why should he have to care about things like this when obviously no one cared about him or anything he wanted? Why did he have to put up with things like this when anyone else could get away with putting an end to it and walking away? Well he shouldn't have to! He didn't have to! He wasn't going to!

Videl was shocked once more and stopped short. "What do you mean you're _done with me_?! Who the hell do you think you are?!"

He drew up, as well as he was able. He was going to fucking stand his ground this time! There wasn't any reason he should have to run away. He had a right to say no, damn it! "I mean I'm _done_! I don't want you, Videl. No more shit! No more! Just stay away from me and my friends, you're not welcome."

He could hear Videl fuming even if he couldn't see her face with the light behind her. "You mean leave you alone to play with your tweaker friends? Fine, then! We're through, Gohan! You're a mess and I can't deal with you! Why the hell would I want to date an emotionless zombie anyway?!"

Fuck…that whole statement was so laughably infuriating! An emotionless zombie?? Kami, if only that was the case! _If only_!! So what? As long as it was his own idea it wasn't fucking valid? But if _she_ said so…! He scoffed, which was quite a feat since he really didn't have much practice with this whole scoffing thing. "Oh sure! As long as it's _your_ idea! Tsk!"

He saw her profile bristle in the artificial light, but his reflexes were too slow to do anything but dumbly watch as she slung the heavy book bag off her shoulder, reached into it, and angrily lobbed a thick shadow at him. His vision exploded in a kaleidoscope of colors and then he was laying face down on the grass, unable to breathe and completely at a loss as to what happened. At his side, he could hear Derek cursing and Lian was tugging him upright again and asking if he was okay. In the background was Videl's scoffing voice. She was much better at scoffing than he was.

"Tsk, he's fine!"

Gohan finally managed to sit up dizzily and looked uncomprehendingly at his bloody hand. …what? Derek was suddenly in his face, looking at him anxiously. "Man…" Then the anger was back in Derek's expression and he picked up the thick college textbook and chucked it back at Videl. "You fucking bitch! Your dad's a hero, but you're just a fucking bitch! What the hell is wrong with you?!"

She snatched the book out of the air with barely an effort, ignoring Derek as she stared in surprise at Gohan's darkly glistening face. "……what? …Gohan……you're bleeding…" It had been a very long time since he'd heard Videl sound so uncertain.

Abruptly the gentle hands that were stroking his bloody face disappeared and Lian's curls flashed in the streetlight as she leapt up and stomped right up to Videl. "Of course he's bleeding, you mother fucking cunt! You broke his nose with your damn homework!" She shrieked as she shoved the surprised martial artist backwards.

Videl knocked Lian's hands away and glared. "No I didn't! That's impossible!" But she looked back at the blood still pouring down Gohan's stunned face. "Let me see…"

She started to take a step closer and Lian shoved her again. "Hell no! Yeah! I should give him to you because you take such _good care_ of your _things_, huh? Get the fuck out of here!"

Gohan stared at the two women. He'd never heard Lian like this before. She'd always was so bubbly and pleasant. He certainly could never imagine any of those cuss words coming from her lips so easily. Scarily angry blonds aside, though, the fact that the two women looked like they were about to go to blows finally made it to the forefront of his mind and he staggered onto his feet to stop it. He was suddenly very afraid that Videl might do something horrible to Lian and there wasn't a prayer in heaven that Lian could stand up to her.

Closing the distance, he threw his arms around the blond and pulled her back, wincing as she struggled to get out of his grip and back at Videl, her squirming straining his arm sharply. "Just leave it be… Please! Come on…we can just go now… Let's go…" He begged as he tried to keep hold of her. Even with the throbbing strain on his shoulder and the dizzying sharp pains in his face, his first and foremost thought was that he couldn't bear it if anything happened to the little blond.

Finally she stilled and turned around in his arms and hugged him fiercely. Gohan glared over her shoulder at Videl who couldn't seem to keep a single emotion on her face. Finally the dark haired woman spun on her heel and stalked off angrily. "Shit…whatever…"

Derek set a hand on Gohan's arm and one on Lian's back. The girl was shaking and she looked up at Gohan with angry tears in her eyes. The blond closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she let it out again it was as if every ounce of tension and rage just vanished along with that one breath and everything was fine again. As if it never happened. when she looked up at him again, it was with sober concern etched on her worried face. "Let's get you to the hospital, huh Angel?"

* * *


	16. Don't You Believe It

**This One Here I Like To Rub**  
It has been quite a long break between updates. I apologize. Life has a way of running away with me at times. I will endeavor to finish this story. I don't plan on giving up on it. Thanks to everyone who's keeping track of me and poking me at the most startling times.  
**On Dark And Stormy Nights**

**Stone Sour – Made Of Scars**

This one came from looking  
This one opened twice  
These two seem as smooth as silk, flush against my eyes  
This one needed stitches and  
This one came from rings  
This one isn't even there, but I feel it more because you don't care

Yeah, Cut right into me  
Yeah, Cause I am Made Of Scars  
Yes I am made of scars

This one had it coming  
This one found a vein  
This one was an accident, but never gave me pain  
This one was my fathers and  
This one you can't see  
This one had me scared to death,  
But I guess I should be glad I'm not dead!!

Yeah, Cut right into me  
Yeah, I am made of scars  
Yes, I am made of scars

God, Don't you believe it

And I will find a way  
Everything you are I will betray  
Oooh, I swear that I will find a way  
Everything you are's inside me

This one was the first one  
This one had a vice  
This one here I like to rub on dark and stormy nights  
This one was the last one,  
I don't remember how  
But I remember blood and rain  
AND I NEVER SAW IT COMING AGAIN

Yeah, Cut right into me  
Yeah, Cause I am made of scars  
Yes, I am made of scars

That's what I'm made of!!!

* * *

Derek set a hand on Gohan's arm and one on Lian's back. The girl was shaking and she looked up at Gohan with angry tears in her eyes. The blond closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she let it out again it was as if every ounce of tension and rage just vanished along with that one breath and everything was fine again. As if it never happened. when she looked up at him again, it was with sober concern etched on her worried face. "Let's get you to the hospital, huh Angel?"

* * *

**Warnings**: Drugs and alcohol abuse, Yaoi, male/male intimacy, adult situations.

**Characters**: OC's Lian and Derek, random medical staff, Goku, Chichi, Goten.

**Don't You Believe It**

He tried to protest, but the Lian and Derek firmly dragged him to the ER. His shirt was soaked in blood by the time they walked in and so was the wadded cloth he held over his nose. He was sure he looked gruesome, but the bleeding had nearly stopped now and he wasn't willing to give in to their constant assurances that his nose was broken. There was no possible way that Videl could have broken his nose with a _book_ of all things. Even if it was Honors Anatomy…which, come to think of it, would have been so very ironic.

Despite this certainty, however, the triage nurse informed him that his nose was broken. He just stared at the woman for a speechless moment and she called another nurse to lead him to an examination room where he sat on a paper lined gurney in stunned silence and stared at the wall. He barely paid any attention to the new nurse as his blood pressure was tested and a light was flashed in his eyes. Follow the finger…yeah, yeah, whatever…

…Videl…had broken his nose…………with a textbook. How the hell did that happen?

How the HELL did that happen???

Then he realized the nurse was asking him something. _Had_ asked something. "Huh?"

"I guess it was a wild night at that party. We've already gotten two other students from there." The nurse gave a long suffering smile at having to repeat his question. "How much have you had to drink tonight?"

Gohan blinked, feeling suddenly on the spot. "Uh…Uh…I…just a few beers… I dunno." He hedged self-consciously with a lopsided shrug.

The nurse just nodded and continued with his tests. "Alright. How are you feeling? Dizzy? Headache? Nausea?" He paused, eyeing the strange way Gohan moved when he shrugged. "Is there something wrong with your arm?"

Gohan licked his bloody lips and shrugged again. Crap. That was exactly why he didn't want to come to the hospital. He shook his head. "Uh…well…not really. I, uh, had surgery a few months ago."

"Oh yeah? What kind of surgery?"

'Jeez…just fix my nose, damn it, forget the shoulder.' "Just surgery. On my shoulder," he replied reluctantly.

"Okay. So do you know if you hit your shoulder when you fell? Does it hurt?"

This guy was all business, wasn't he? Gohan grimaced. "No…I don't think so."

"Well, we probably ought to have that checked just incase. You don't want to take any chances." Gohan thought he was finally done, but the nurse just had to ask one more question. "Have you taken any medication or drugs we should know about tonight?"

"What? …no…" The nurse looked at him a little oddly so he repeated the answer a bit more decisively. "No."

"Are you sure?"

Gohan huffed in frustration. What the hell was wrong with this guy? He had said no! That should be enough, shouldn't it? "Is someone going to fix my nose, or what?" He snapped in exasperation.

The nurse finally nodded and left. "The doctor will be over in a few minutes."

It seemed like forever before a doctor came into the room to check him over. He flipped open a chart and stood there silently reading it until deigning to give Gohan some of his hard pressed attention. "So you had recent major reconstructive surgery on your shoulder. When did you get the cast off? There isn't any record of it here."

Gohan just grimaced and sighed. "I don't know, a few weeks ago, I guess."

The doctor frowned and flipped through the papers one more time and then finally nodded. "It says here that this was an accident you had tonight, not a fight? You were hit in the face with a textbook?" He didn't wait for a reply. "Well, considering the seriousness of your recent surgery and the fall reported here, I think some x-rays are in order. Then we'll see if we can set that nose for you." Then the doctor was gone and Gohan was left waiting all over again. He groaned and slumped back on the gurney. This really was going to take forever!

* * *

Eventually they did discharge him, though at first it didn't seem like they were going to let him go at all. They said something about him being a danger to himself if he was going to blatantly cause himself harm by doing stupid things like taking his own cast off after major surgery. But he had healed so much faster than they expected that they couldn't really hold him on that reason alone. They also said that his muscles were so tensed and cramped throughout his back that it was putting an unhealthy strain on the reconstruction and causing the prosthetics to be pulled out of alignment with his spine. The explanation for the numbness in his arm was that the tension in his back was causing a nerve to be pinched. And what could they do about it? Apparently not much, according to what the doctor said. He gave Gohan the impression that pinched nerves don't get better, which made absolutely no sense to him. If his muscles loosened and stopped pinching…wouldn't that mean he wouldn't have a pinched nerve anymore? All in all, it was a completely un-encouraging experience.

They had also tried to make him stay until he sobered up, but he was not about to put up with that! It wasn't like he was underage. He was an adult. He was over twenty-one and he was _not_ going to stay here! He assured them that his _buds_ were in the waiting room and they would make sure he got home in one piece. At least, he hoped so. It had been such a long time that he wasn't sure if they would still be there.

At long last he managed to walk out of the ER into the waiting room with a bright white bandage on the bridge of his nose and a new sling cradling his arm close to his side. So maybe it wasn't all bad. His arm felt better and he had been given a bottle of muscle relaxants for his shoulder, some more pain medication, and an appointment with physical therapy to try and realign his spine again. Then he looked up and saw his dad.

"Hey, Gohan! Wow. You look almost like I did right after my fight with Vegeta the first time."

It never ceased to amaze Gohan how his father always sounded so damn cheerful. Lian leapt up from where she and Derek had been sitting next to his father and ran over, throwing her arms around him in a gentle hug. He hugged her back stiffly as his dad walked over. "Um…I think that's kind of an exaggeration, dad." He shrugged uncertainly, looking anywhere but into his father's face. He desperately didn't want to see whatever expression the older man wore.

Goku patted him on the back, giving him a good look over and seeming not to notice how Gohan refused to look back at him. "Well, maybe a little. Are you sure you're okay?"

Gohan nodded and smiled crookedly under the bandage. "Never better, dad. Really. I get smacked around with homework all the time…just usually not on the nose." He looked down at the ground as if there were something extra interesting about his shoes. He knew his dad was wondering exactly the same thing as he himself had been all night. How in the world could a _book_ break his nose? "It's alright, dad. I'm fine. It's no big deal. …Why are you here anyway?"

Goku smiled at Jared as the short student came up and gripped Gohan's good hand and congratulated him on not contracting brain damage. "Oh. Well. I guess Videl called up Bulma. Something about some appointment you missed going to, or something. And then Bulma called your mom and your mom asked me to come make sure you're okay and bring you home."

Gohan stiffened visibly. "Dad… I can take care of myself…"

His father just gave a sheepish grin and ran one large hand through his short, unruly hair. "I know that, Gohan. But your mom's worried and you know how she is about things. You gotta admit, you've been getting hurt kinda a lot recently. She's just worried."

The older man had a look on his face that said Chichi wasn't the only parent that was growing concerned. Gohan glanced at Lian and Derek who were looking between himself and his dad curiously. "Come on, dad. There's nothing to worry about. Really. I just wasn't prepared for Videl to go all homicidal on me. It was a stupid thing really. You don't need to bring me home. I mean…Lian and Derek spent their whole evening making sure I was okay. I can't just…take off like that…"

Goku looked at the two friends and smiled. "Yeah… Yeah, I guess so… We had plenty of time to get to know each other while you were in there. I guess you've got a point there." He hesitated and looked at Gohan for a moment, torn between dealing with his wife's wrath and disappointing his son and his son's friends. "…alright… Tell you what. It's pretty late anyway and you guys have had a long day. Why don't you come over tomorrow, okay, Gohan? Your mom can wait till then and we can all catch up and maybe talk about what happened."

Gohan gave a soft, rueful laugh and sighed in relief, shoulders sagging slightly as he was momentarily saved from a confrontation he was not prepared to handle and couldn't begin to imagine going through. "Thanks, dad. I will."

Goku patted his good shoulder again, giving it a very slight squeeze. "Good. And…promise you'll be a little more careful, huh, Gohan?" He leaned down to try to get a view of Gohan's eyes beneath his long, limp, shaggy bangs.

Gohan laughed dryly and nodded. "Yeah, okay, dad. I will." He couldn't put into words how happy he was that his dad hadn't pushed the issue.

"It was great to meet you, Mr. S." Derek patted Goku on the shoulder with a grin and Lian stepped up and threw her arms around Goku in a hug. "Yeah, you're such a sweetie. I wish my dad was as cool as you are."

Happy or not, he couldn't help but feel a tiny twinge as he watched his father leave. It sure was easy to dodge that bullet. His dad didn't try at all as hard to corner him as his mother or Bulma or Videl would have. Maybe that was because he knew that it was useless. Why expend the energy when it would just be wasted? It wasn't like he was capable of any better, he'd proved that so many times in front of his dad. He watched his father walk away, a heavy, guilty unhappiness weighting his gaze down to the ground. Then he looked to his two buds who really seemed so very happy to find him in one piece and tried to force a hollow smile onto his lips. "So…what time is it anyway?"

* * *

It was nearly one in the morning when they walked back up the steps of Hope, cracked open a few beers, and found a dark room with enough unused space for the three of them to collapse in. Gohan tried awkwardly to get his pill bottle open, but he couldn't will enough strength into his hand to master the childproof lid. Derek opened it for him and fished out one of the new muscle relaxants he'd gotten from the hospital's late night pharmacy. At this point, Gohan didn't care what it did to him. He just wanted something to make the sharp pain in his side ease.

"I really…hate this…" He grumbled as he tried to find a comfortable position on the couch that didn't make it feel like there were ants squirming through the flesh of his back.

Derek slid up beside him and lit up one of his homemade paper rolls before leaning in, eyebrows lifting high in questioning concern. "You want me to rub it, Angel? I'm good at that."

Gohan drew back instantly as if the very thought made the pain worse without Derek ever having to touch him. Then he caught himself and checked the reaction, shaking his head and looking away self-consciously. "No…I don't think that's a good idea. Seems like every time I touch it just makes it get worse..."

Lian patted his thigh, reaching over for a quick drag on the cigarette. "He really is good at it. It might help, you know. That's just what they'll do in therapy. A little stretching and a massage." She held up the joint for Gohan and he took it without any hesitation. Then she patted his thigh encouragingly before excusing herself saying that she had promised to meet someone and was late now.

Gohan blinked and blanched guiltily. "Oh…I'm sorry, Lian…that's my fault, huh?"

Lian just smiled and leaned in to kiss his cheek. "Naw. It's all good, Angel. It's no biggy. Getting you all fixed up was more important. Don't be sorry. I'll see you guys later." She pressed a kiss on Derek's cheek as well before jaunting from the dim room.

Gohan sighed again and took a deep drag from the joint, his lungs only trying to heave a couple times and not enough to make him choke. He managed to hold his breath for a good ten seconds and then whistled softly as he exhaled because that was really…good… Kris had been right. It did help. He looked back to Derek who was emptying his beer while he still waited for an answer. Finally he shook his head. "Nah. Maybe sometime, but not just now. I don't think I can deal with any more numb, crawly-ness. Thanks, though."

He handed back the burning stick and Derek passed him another beer and they just buzzed in the dark. "So like…what was it like to do Hercule Satan's daughter?" Derek suddenly asked out of the dark, that same hint of wonder back in his voice that had been there when Videl had first appeared earlier that evening.

It actually made Gohan laugh, though thinking about Videl brought back a menagerie of very low feelings. "Tsk. Not as great as you seem to imagine it must have been."

Derek laughed with him. "Tshyeah, but even if she's a bitch, there's gotta be something to say for the bits that don't talk." The freshmen scooted in to peer at Gohan suggestively through the dark.

Gohan grimaced, lips opening and closing as he rethought his answers a few times. One would think it wasn't that hard a question to answer. "…I dunno… Shit, Derek, I don't know a lot of things anymore." After a short pause he laughed again, more of a self depreciating laugh. "I'm starting to think that I never was really that into her and I was just too scared to tell everyone. …She's too much like my mom."

Derek chuckled and poked him playfully in the stomach. "Crap, man. I probably would be scared too if breaking up with her was gonna break my nose. And remind me to never meet your mom." Derek grins and raises his beer in salute. "But I don't mind telling you that you're dad's a hottie. I thought he was, like, your brother or something till you called him dad."

Gohan gasped as the word "hottie" entered his ears and turned to stare at Derek in horror. "Awe! No… Awe, don't say that…that's just…wrong…" He drank down the rest of his beer to try and clear that horrible suggestion from his head while Derek laughed. Swallowing, he looked up to find Derek's grinning face inches from his own.

"Definitely too old for me, though. And too tall. So…you're not into miss prissy martial artist…and you're not into our Lian…" Derek looked questioningly at him through the gloom and the quiet of the room suddenly took on a completely different aspect to Gohan. As he looked back at the teen he realized how close they were and how strongly he could smell musky smoke and liquid barley hanging in the air around them and, beneath that, the ever present scent of kitchen spices that clung to Derek like it was part of his skin.

"Think you could be into me?"

Gohan stuttered, once again put on the spot and not at all ready for it, his face flushing hotly in the gloom. "Um…uh…I mean…" Why was it that he had all these guys…doing this…to him all of a sudden?? Weeks ago, he never even considered being…attracted to…and now… What was it that had changed that had these guys suddenly being all…interested…and stuff…?? Granted, these were the sorts of guys he'd never hung out with before but still it just seemed so…normal…to them…if that was so then why hadn't he ever encountered this sort of thing before? What had changed for him that actually had him thinking about this stuff?? He finally shrugged, looking down at his hands which were twitching nervously in his lap. "…I dunno…" He chanced a quick glimpse at Derek's face.

Derek smiled shyly at him through the dark and just shrugged, echoing his movement. "Whatever. That's cool." He said accepting Gohan's uncertain, non-committal, half answer without question. Instead of pursuing it, Derek kept his shy smile and pulled another beer from the case at their feet to hand to Gohan.

Early, or rather very late into the morning, Gohan didn't know what time it was, the edges of the window began to glow gray against the gloom of the room. Gohan groaned and shifted from where he had fallen asleep sitting up on the couch. His tongue felt thick and slow with the taste of stale beer and ashes heavy on it, but at least he was numb rather than in pain. That was a blessing in itself. Fumbling weakly, he picked up one of his new pill bottles, peering blurrily at it before struggling to remove the lid. Coherent thoughts aside, the only thing in Gohan's head was that it was morning and he was pretty sure he was supposed to take another muscle relaxant…it didn't matter that he couldn't remember the specifics of the prescription. All that mattered was that at the moment his arm didn't hurt and he hoped to keep it that way. Swallowing the pill, he washed it down with the remnants of a warm beer and then slumped over onto his side, sprawling against Derek's skinny back. The smaller student murmured and blinked drowsily as the shifting weight woke him.

Gohan watched sleepily as Derek twisted and rolled until he faced him and then tucked up close, nuzzling his face up under Gohan's chin, practically cuddling up. Gohan just grunted softly and let his weak arm lay over Derek's body and fell back asleep. It wasn't until sometime later that he really woke up, consciousness easing over him with the pleasant feeling of warm, soft lips caressing his throat and sliding upwards to brush his lips. Still, it was a long time before he roused enough to open his eyes, enjoying the unobtrusive feeling of a mouth gently, chastely touching his own. Not pressing or pushing, but just a nuzzling, sleepy caress. His tongue slid lazily forth, wetting his lips and brushing lightly against those foreign ones and the slick slippery heat of another tongue met it, following it's slow journey. That was when he finally opened his eyes, but there was nothing to see besides the unfocused blur that was Derek's sleepy face.

It didn't occur to him that this was any particularly strange way to wake up. It was nice. It was soft and warm and comforting and…and…arousing…and as Derek's tongue coiled slowly with his he moaned and closed his eyes again, letting the warmth wash through him to pool in his groin. This was different from the kisses he had shared with Kris. Those were shy and experimental and sometimes uncertain kisses. Kissing Derek was like everything else with the teen: slow and calm and casual. There was no nervousness here, just a lazy diversion of exploring something new and untried.

* * *

It was after noon when Gohan slogged his way up the walkway to fumble at the door to his apartment. It took him a moment to realize that the reason he couldn't get it unlocked was because he'd never locked it in the first place. He let his forehead thump against the cheap wood and sighed numbly before turning the knob and pushing through. Continuing his slow, heavy, slogging movements, he moved to his room and began stripping off his clothes and dragging on whatever was still clean in his closet. He had showered at Hope and his skin smelled of the faintly musky soap that lent it's presence throughout the old fraternity house on the bodies of its most loyal denizens. Once he had pressed himself into a pair of slightly baggy khaki pants, he then managed to maneuver his arm into a loose plain white t-shirt with only a small groan.

Dragging on his jacket again, not caring how warm it was, he trudged to his beloved recliner and slumped into it. Once there, he fished out a single little pill and dry swallowed it, then melted into the cushions to wait for his throbbing head to clear. Or vanish. Whichever came first. He knew he was supposed to go home today. He had stretched his parents' good will far enough already without standing them up again. But at the present time he couldn't stomach the idea of flying and there wasn't any other way to get out to the wilderness up in the foothills where his old house sat. So he resolved just to not think about it just yet. He was perfectly content right here. Why should he move now?

He almost didn't feel the air change, but the disturbance tugged at his consciousness and he forced his eyes open to see his dad standing in the living room looking at him. He groaned.

"Hey, Gohan! Did I wake you up?" His father's light voice sounded so damn carefree.

Gohan's own voice was low and flat, though he tried to keep it conversational. "…no. I was just getting ready, dad. Just…gotta get my shoes…" He forced himself to sit up, leaving the warm, comforting embrace of the chair to gather up his shoes and struggle with the laces. Meanwhile, his father smiled brightly and began telling him all about the morning he had spent with Goten and Trunks. It sounded like a grand old time fishing and swimming in frigid mountain streams and beating each other up. Gohan rolled his eyes as he stared down at his laces.

"…Anyway, Chichi was getting anxious and asked me to come and see if you needed to be…um, how did she put it? …oh yeah, 'rousted out of bed'. I told her you were fine, but you know her."

Gohan nodded. He did indeed know. "Yeah, that's expected. Well, I'm ready, dad. You could just transport us, right?" He looked up at him in relief now that he wouldn't have to work out the travel logistics on his own anymore. His father was only too happy to comply, of course.

The house was just like he remembered it. He was willing to bet that his room was still the same and without even a spec of dust. But it felt strange being here. As he looked around it occurred to him that he hadn't come home since Christmas, even just to visit. That was over half a year ago, he realized with a small pang of guilt. It seemed like such a long time while at the same time it had just flashed by. And as much as this place had stayed the same, _everything else_ had changed. He had changed. He didn't fit here anymore. Kami, had he ever?

His mother appeared, presumably out of the kitchen, to throw her arms around his neck and hug him fiercely and for a moment, through the sharp pain, an oddly bland and numb curiosity slid through his mind. He wondered if she was about to break his neck, she was a strong woman after all. But the moment passed and she let go and the muscles in his neck and shoulder groaned in protest before settling into a dully tingling throb. "Hi, mom. Sorry, I'm late," he croaked out.

He turned to look at her and her happy smile turned horrified. It took him a moment to understand what the problem was, then he remembered his nose. He hadn't actually looked in the mirror that morning. It didn't hurt so much anymore, so he hadn't thought anything about it. From the look on her face, though, he was sure it must not be pretty. He reached up and touched his still slightly tender, but healing nose. "It's okay, mom, really. I hardly feel it now. It'll be fine in a couple days at the most."

His mother sniffed and eyed him as mothers do when they want to make sure their offspring know that they are not happy with them whatsoever. "At least you're here now. Come along. Lunch is going to get cold." At the mention of food, his father disappeared with an enthusiastic exclamation into the kitchen where Goten was already attempting to clear the table of anything edible. Gohan just trudged obediently along.

* * *

After a look in the bathroom mirror to see what Chichi had reacted so strongly to, he wasn't sure what the fuss was about. Sure, his eyes were shadowed with some light bruising that would have probably been two black eyes on anyone else, but it had already mostly faded away. Now, barely an hour later, he sat listening to his mother rattle on and on about anything and everything and he was struggling to stay alert and focused. He had tuned her out after the first fifteen minutes, but he was attempting to at least look like he was listening. Still, he could handle his mother's never ending chatter. Growing up with her had offered plenty of practice doing so. It was the looks that his sixteen year old brother kept sending his way that had begun to rub him raw. Finally he turned and caught Goten frowning at him again and frowned right back, keeping his voice low enough to not to disturb their mother's monologue. "What?!"

Goten just looked away, shrugging. "Nothing."

Gohan shook his head, but left it at that until he found Goten staring once again. This time there was a bit of growl in his voice. "What?! Do you mind? What the hell is your problem?"

Goten frowned harder this time and glared back, not bothering to keep his voice down. "You look like the stoners that hang out behind the bleachers at school." The teenager leaned in and sniffed at him and made a face. "You smell like them too."

Gohan tensed and glanced at their mom who was blissfully oblivious of the conversation going on behind her back. "Shut up." He snapped at his little brother. "You don't know what you're talking about."

The younger boy looked insulted and huffed, kicking back his chair and standing up to leave. "Yeah, whatever. But you know everything as usual, don't you?" He stalked away. "Dad!"

Gohan's eyes widened and his jaw dropped as he watched his little brother go in search of their father. What was he…? He… He wouldn't...! Gohan lurched to his feet, his chair scraping back as he followed Goten, forestalling his mother's confusion with some half muttered, half thought out excuse that likely didn't make any sense. He caught Goten outside, but there was no sign of their father. "Where are you going? What are you going to do?" He snapped sharply.

Goten turned to glare at him. "What? I wasn't going to do anything. Don't get all uppity. I don't know what I'm talking about, right? I never see stoners hanging out behind the bleachers. I made it all up." He retorted sarcastically.

The older Son grimaced and shrugged lopsidedly. How was he going to get his brother off of this subject? He was far too close for comfort and just the fact that Gohan found himself thinking along those lines made him that much more tense. "I didn't mean it that way, okay? I meant that it's just not like that." He forced a self-depreciating smile onto his lips. "You know…the meds they have me on kinda mess with me. …Even…" He searched around for something more to say. For something truthful that he wouldn't hang himself up on, since he was such a terrible liar. "…even Vegeta said I smell like chemicals. I just… I shouldn't have reacted like that. …Sorry."

Goten finally started to relax and turned to face him, looking a little sheepish, the resemblance to their father was uncanny. "Yeah…yeah, okay…you do smell like chemicals." He still had trouble looking directly at Gohan, though, digging the toe of his shoe into the grass with his hands clasped behind his back. "But…I know what _that_ smells like. I…tried it once..."

Gohan's heart plummeted into his stomach. What could he say to that? There wasn't anything he could say, so he just watched his little brother silently, waiting for the other shoe to drop. For him to swear he was going to tell their parents. He waited for him to become self-righteous and condescending and mocking of his nerdy, goody-two-shoes, older brother for hanging out with "stoners" and being such a weak and worthless failure. He waited for it, but it didn't happen.

Goten looked up at him guiltily and then turned his eyes back down to the ground. "Only once… Everybody else there was, so…ya know…" He shrugged again, his toe digging a hole in the lawn. "I didn't like it, though. It made me act all stupid and it felt really…" He finally looked at Gohan and grinned embarrassedly. "I already take after dad, I don't need help to look stupid…ya know?"

It still took Gohan a few moments to realize just what Goten was getting at. His brow furrowed as he realized that the teen was actually _confessing_ to him. Goten was making a confession to his big brother and looking for…what? For forgiveness? For acceptance? For support? Why did Goten think that he could get anything like that from him? Why did he want it from him? The answer to that question was relatively simple…who else could he get it from? Their parents? Not likely. No…what better person than your stiff-necked, anal retentive, straight and narrow, superhero big brother because if he smells like pot when you tell him…at least he can't look down on you. Maybe he'd understand. It was safe to tell him. He certainly wouldn't tell on you.

Gohan relaxed and finally nodded soberly. "…There's nothing wrong with that, Goten."

The younger boy looked at him with some surprise at that statement, as if he had still expected some sort of rebuke. "Yeah?"

Gohan smiled reassuringly at his little brother. "Yeah. It happens. Everyone's tried it once. There's nothing wrong with that. It's normal. The important thing is how you feel about it. You live and learn, right? You made your own decision about what's right for you. Do you feel okay about it?"

Goten looked thoughtful for a moment, his brow furrowing as he went over the question in his head and then looked back at Gohan with so much more self assurance that Gohan's smile widened. "Yeah. Yeah, I do feel good about it. I didn't like the stuff. I won't ever do it again, that's for sure."

Gohan shrugged and glanced away. Somehow Goten's answer made him feel uncomfortable. "Well… That's really all that matters. As long as you're happy it's all good."

The teen seemed so much more content now and nodded happily. "Yeah." Then his expression grew a little more sober again and he looked questioningly at Gohan. "What about you?"

Gohan's eyebrows rose in purposefully daft seeming ignorance. "Hm? What about me?"

Goten glanced back at the cottage for a second. "Mom and dad are worried about you. They don't say it, but…ya know…I can tell. And…well…you do seem kinda off…" He shuffled his toe in the grass again, looking down at his feet. "I was at Trunk's house and Videl was there…she was saying some stuff to Bulma about you…"

The older brother kept his face purposefully impartial as he carefully thought over what he was going to say. "I know. See… You know how you knew right off what was the right thing? Well you were better at it than I was. It's taken me a lot longer to figure that out and now… Now I'm finally figuring it out and…well…I know a few people are going to be upset with me. Like Videl. She's really upset with me right now. She may say some things she doesn't really mean. So don't worry, okay? Everything is going to be fine. _I'm_ fine. Just…a few things are gonna change and that's always hard for people to accept. That's all." He gave his brother another reassuring smile. "You trust me, right, Goten?"

The younger brother frowned as he listened and then slowly nodded again. "Yeah, Gohan. Of course I trust you… You're sure you're okay…?"

Gohan chuckled. "Yes. I'm…so much better. Especially knowing I can count on my awesome not-so-little brother." He patted Goten's shoulder and then pulled him into a loose hug that the teen returned instantly with a grin. "Thanks, Goten. It means a lot."

Goten clicked his tongue and smiled. "You know I'm always here for you, big bro."

Gohan pushed back, completely reassured that at least his brother was on his side if no one else was. "Yeah, yeah, I know." The brothers parted ways then, Goten to freedom and Gohan back to the house to finish his mandatory visit.

* * *


	17. All Self Inflicted

**I Feel The Emptiness**

Believe it or not, I've been working on this chapter for ages and ages. Hopefully it's not a crappy one. It has been a long time and I've had a heck of a time getting into the feel of it. Thanks to those who have left me reviews recently. Each time I saw one show up, that was another kick in the backside to try and write a few more paragraphs. I was very stuck on the plot. Hopefully it will come more smoothly now.

**Of Just Another Day In Hell**

* * *

**Smile Empty Soul – Self Inflicted  
**

You see these cuts and bruises  
Isn't this all so amusing  
I feel the emptiness of just another day in hell

My life is so confusing  
Do this to myself I'm losing  
I guess I'm only proving what every one can see but me

And I wont let myself be happy  
I cut myself just to feel the pain  
And I wont give up anything for you  
I'm going down and no one can save me

I am cold my legs are shaking  
There's no hope right now I'm begging  
Just one sign to show me someone out there really cares  
My clothes are soaked up crying  
There's no doubt I know I'm dying  
I did this to myself and that's the part I cant believe

And I wont let myself be happy  
I cut myself just to feel the pain  
And I wont give up anything for you  
I'm going down and no one can save me

These cuts and bruises are all self inflicted

And I wont let myself be happy  
I cut myself just to feel the pain  
And I wont give up anything for you  
I'm going down and no one can save me

* * *

Gohan pushed back, completely reassured that at least his brother was on his side if no one else was. "Yeah, yeah, I know." The brothers parted ways then, Goten to freedom and Gohan back to the house to finish his mandatory visit.

* * *

**Characters**: Chichi, Goku, Goten, more OC's. 

**Warnings**: Drug and alcohol abuse, language, yaoi, slight non-con/rape, dark depressiveness.

* * *

**All Self Inflicted**

He walked back into the kitchen to find Chichi sitting at the table and staring somberly down into the oily liquid in her tea cup. When she heard him enter, she looked up and gave him a motherly smile that was so incredibly strained that it stopped him in his tracks. Suddenly he was very afraid that maybe she hadn't been as oblivious as he had thought she was during the little argument he and Goten had just had.

She suddenly asked. "You would tell me if something were wrong, wouldn't you, sweetheart?" The almost pleading tone of the question rubbed him raw and he had to concentrate just to keep his expression neutral. Now he wished he were anywhere but here, maybe he should have stayed outside, he had a horrible feeling about where this was going to go. "Why would there be anything wrong, mom?"

She grimaced, lips tightening noticeably. "I don't know, Gohan, but…but there's something going on. A mother knows and I _know_ that there's something going on! Won't you tell me what's wrong?"

Gohan took a few seconds to steel himself. He could do this, he reasoned to himself. He knew the motions. They were there on the edge of his mind. Like dance steps, like a game he had spent his whole childhood manufacturing, like counting cracks in the sidewalk. The motions came to him easily, like muscle memory they took over and he shook his head. "Come on, mom, I don't know what you're talking about. Really…" He sighed, his nervousness fading as his guilty consciousness drifted away to watch from outside himself. Himself…his bland and unimaginative self… He was a shell that consisted of nothing except a disconnected emptiness as he looked out from what seemed to be an ever expanding chasm. He suddenly felt so very far away. "I don't know what you think is so weird." It was not an unpleasant sensation, just strange, as if he were looking at his mother from the far end of a very long and dark tunnel.

He could see the helpless and uncertain expression on her face and, for once, it failed to move him. He couldn't _feel_ it. That in itself was exhilarating. That in itself made him feel so very…free. A hollow smile spread across his lips, the smile that he had been having such a hard time finding lately, it spread smooth as butter this time and he found himself reaching out into the invisible current of events that was suddenly flowing so very clearly around him and skillfully diverting it. "I'm sorry I yelled at you, mom."

She was surprised by the sudden change of subject, but she smiled weakly, showing just how much their last encounter days ago really had hurt her. Gohan's calm, quiet smile tilted upwards a twitch higher on one side and he lowered his head just the right amount, eyes slowly floating to the surface of the table. "Videl left me." He said quietly, letting the words hang, turning himself into a bit of driftwood on the tide of them. Letting it sweep him away like so much flotsam and jetsam. He was just a bit of wasted debris upon it and his certainty of that only increased when his mother moved to the chair beside him and curled her dish water warm hands into his hair and drew him down until his cheek rested against her shoulder. He felt nothing as he let her try to soothe away a pain that didn't exist.

She gently stroked his unruly hair and his disconnected mind idly wondered why she never did this when he was a child. When it mattered. When he could still feel it. It might have felt nice then. "It'll be alright, sweetheart. I'm sure she didn't mean it. If you just talked to her, I know…"

He shook his head against her shoulder and pulled back, keeping his lost and morose gaze safely on the blank table. "We already talked last night…" He waited, letting the overwhelming current that was his mother's natural momentum rush around him, letting her choose her own route along the channel he had so carefully and so quietly just dug.

Chichi stared at him for a long moment, agonizing over the miserably lost look on her baby's face, her most gifted and able child, the only one of them that was so clearly destined for greatness, her baby who had always been so independent and dependable, the child that had never really needed her and who's talents she had gone to the farthest lengths to encourage. She stared at him as she tried desperately to decipher what it was that had changed to make him so forlorn that it made her want to cradle him to her chest. "Gohan…" Her voice was quiet and she reached out her kitchen callused fingers to stroke his bruised face. "Didn't this happen last night?"

He barely felt the touch, he was so far away now, so separate from everything and especially from her. His eyes merely flickered to her and away again without answering her. Letting her current cut its own path down the softening trench. It was always so much easier to step aside rather than stand in the way of his mother's bulldozing intensity, he could practically feel the air around her change as her own mind made up questions and answers and her own suggestions took root. "It's alright, mom, really…"

"_She_ did this?!?" Motherly rage rang clear and loud in her shrill shout, but he didn't flinch. Somewhere far far at the back of his dark tunnel floated a phantom of amusement at her reaction. His mother was so good at overreacting.

He shrugged lopsidedly, his smile long gone slack. It was too easy to make his expression blank and numb, it was a reflection of his mind right now. "I don't know what she told you…or Bulma…she's been talking to Bulma a lot, I think… But it's okay… It doesn't matter…"

The angry blush that spread across Chichi's face said that it was anything but okay. She was livid. "It absolutely isn't!! Don't you ever _ever_ say that! Why?? Why would she do such a thing??"

Gohan shrugged again, speaking very slowly and quietly. "I'm sure I deserved it. You know how she is. And she did warn me…I guess I should have listened. I didn't think she'd…well… I really never thought she'd act so…like that."

Chichi's mouth flapped like a floundering fish for a few brief seconds. "I don't understand. Act like what? Gohan, what in the world are you talking about??"

He pursed his lips as he chose his next words, he couldn't lie, he was terrible at lying and he knew the hesitation would probably look like something else to her searching gaze. It would fit right into whatever his mother was searching for. He'd learned a long time ago that people often thought up their own answers if you gave them room and time to do so. "…Lian… I guess Videl thought the same thing you and Bulma did. But it's not like that. She's just my friend. I tried to tell her, but things got out of hand and… I wasn't going to let Videl hurt her." A tremor shook his voice and he wasn't exactly sure why. It confounded him for a few seconds because he was sure he couldn't feel anything. He was blank. But it added marvelously to the overall effect. "After seeing her like that last night… I don't want to talk to her, mom, I'm done. It's one thing when it's just me. But not my friends…" His voice dipped lower as this last part surfaced almost on its own. Perhaps he wasn't completely blank…he actually felt a pang in these words. "…I have so few friends. They deserve better than that…"

His mother stared at him, lips parted in a horrified expression as her imagination conjured up terrible images of a conceited and self assured, always confident Videl…in contrast to the meek and wounded figure her eldest son now portrayed. Not just these last months, but increasingly over some time now. It had been a slow, subtle transformation that eluded attention at the time, but had taken a vague shape as her son grew further and further away from them. It was just a part of life, wasn't it? It was part of growing up. Like her husband, she had seen it, but what can a mother do other than watch with pride as her baby grew up so smart and independent and so full of potential? Until now… Now that he came to sit here in her kitchen staring hollowly at the table and saying that he deserved to be mangled. Her beautiful, sweet, mild mannered, obedient, unassuming little boy absolutely did not deserve any such treatment! He was finished with all that! He had finished when Buu had been beaten! He was done with that life. She had known he hated it and she had made sure it stopped. She remembered the expression on his face when he finally came home after that horrid last battle and she never wanted to see that hard blankness staring out from his eyes ever again. That's why she had pushed him so hard, it was so difficult to overcome her husband's charismatic draw toward fighting, but she had to. Gohan deserved better than that, he had never been able to just shrug it all off like Goku or Goten could. Now, the wooden way he stared at the table made her want to cry. "Has she done this before?"

That question reached through his numb shell, twisting around his insides, making his skin crawl along his spine with the first tentative coils of doubt. Was his mother, the woman who repeatedly beat his dad over the head with a frying pan when she was angry, had even knocked him unconscious once when he wasn't expecting it, was she really suggesting…? How amazingly hypocritical of her. He hadn't thought she would react like _this_. He could feel the current start to speed a little too fast now, carrying him through the trench and into a chasm, into uncertain territory. How had his mother had come to the conclusion that Videl might have…what? …abused him or something? He said nothing, he was too shocked. Did she really think so little of him? Was he that pathetic? He could fight all kinds of bad guys, he could destroy the planet if he tried hard enough, but she thought that a little human girl could hurt him, even someone as strong as Videl? On a regular basis? And that he would let her? How could she think that? And why wasn't he denying it? 'Because I really am a pussy,' was his reply to himself. Because she really _had_ hurt him this time.

That despondent thought was followed by a cascade of memories, Videl's face flashing through each one. Each time she had whacked him with random things, each time she had gotten angry or frustrated and let it out on him. Each time he had just laughed it off because she couldn't _really_ hurt him. All women were like that, weren't they? Growing up watching his parents, what else was he supposed to think? She needed to let it out. He didn't mind…really. He couldn't say he liked it, but he never argued. It was like that joke about the mood ring; When your girlfriend is happy it turns green and when she's mad it leaves a red mark on your cheek. He had been Videl's proverbial stress-ball ever since they first met, because…well…because he could take it. So what did that say about their relationship? What if he hadn't been able to take it? Like last night. Would it have been different then? That question served to depress him even more, as impossible as that seemed, and he still hadn't said anything. What was he doing? Was he really going to let his mother think…_that_?_That_ was so… He felt sullied as if his soul was tarnishing with each second that passed with his tongue stuck silently to the roof of his mouth. He couldn't look at her, really couldn't look now, but his refusal to respond merely served to cement the suggestion that had somehow materialized between them.

"Oh Gohan…"

He suddenly felt cornered again. He hadn't intended this. He hadn't meant to suggest that. But was it so bad? It might help things. It certainly would damage Videl's credibility with his mother. It might even do the same for Bulma's. Maybe…maybe it wasn't quite as atrocious as it felt if it made his mom ease up… It might give her something else to fixate on. Anything was better than having her focused squarely on him, right? Wasn't it? But it made him feel so horrible that he suddenly pushed away. He had to go, he couldn't stay and look her in the face anymore, he couldn't do it. "I need to go."

Chichi stood up with him, wide eyed worry stretching over her face. "What? No, Gohan, wait…" But he was already rushing out the door, running away yet again, trying to leave this feeling behind him. He didn't like it, he hated it, like the taste of a sore throat that leaves you so thirsty, but also with the knowledge that it will only be painful if you try to swallow. A hand closed around his arm and spun him around before he could leave the house, his mother showing the deceptive strength that hid so quietly in her tiny frame. "Don't go! It's alright, Gohan…please, can we talk some more?"

He pulled his arm away roughly, fists clenching. Why wouldn't she just let him go? Why did everyone have to try to make him do things he didn't want? Why couldn't they just accept he didn't want their help?! "No! I don't want to talk! I just want to go! Dad!" He shouted much like Goten had earlier, stepping out onto the lawn and despairing when his father was nowhere in sight. As he tried to march across the lawn she grabbed his arm again, but he wrenched free once more. "Don't touch me!! Just leave me alone!! I don't need anyone! I don't need you fussing over me! I'm fine!" He fled into the woods surrounding his childhood home as his mother shouted after him, but she didn't follow. She stopped at the edge of the trees just like he told her to. It should have made him happy that she listened to him for once, but it didn't.

He stumbled through the woods until his legs turned wooden, which wasn't very long, shambling in no particular direction, consumed by a nearly physical mental pain that made his muscles tight and his side ache. He fished into his jacket, bringing out two pills and dry swallowing them. He knew he'd be stuck out here if his father didn't find him, but he didn't care at this point. Maybe if he found a soft, thick clump of clover to collapse into things might not be so bad. He remembered how he used to do that as a child when things were so simple and the world wasn't filled with monsters and failures. Maybe he could lie down and it would all just disappear. He could sink into the clover and just…disappear… He didn't really exist in the first place. This was not existence. Why not just make things right and just cease to exist all around, that would balance things out, wouldn't it? Finally his stiff legs wouldn't listen anymore and he tripped, skidding heavily on his knees in the soft mulch until he came to a stop, kneeling and staring at the dark ground numbly. What was the use in trying to move anymore? He should just lie down and disappear.

It wasn't long before large strong hands came to rest on his slumped shoulders. He made no move to acknowledge them, he knew it was his father. Goku crouched down beside him and regarded Gohan with a slow, calm smile that didn't serve to cover the concern in his eyes. "You okay?"

Gohan didn't look at him, he just kept staring straight ahead at the scattered leaves and grass, his voice sounding quietly preoccupied. "…no…"

His father just continued to look at him for a long moment, reading him. Goku had always been said to be so good at reading people. Gohan had always thought so, at least. He wondered vaguely what his father saw now. "Dinner will be ready soon…"

Still with that same blank, unmoving, empty gaze, he didn't wait for his father to finish speaking. "…no………I'm so tired, dad…"

Goku was silent for another moment. "I'll take you back to your apartment, then." He carefully helped Gohan to his feet and held him securely, strong arms stretching around him in a momentary hugging pause. Then the second of stomach flutters that was instant transmission came and they were suddenly standing in the gloom of his stuffy, little home. When Goku slowly loosed his arm from around his shoulders, Gohan reached out to stop him and looked at Goku a little shamefacedly. "I'm not…I'm really not…" He couldn't finish the sentence. He wasn't sure what he wanted to say or if even he believed it himself. Finally he settled for something he'd been saying all his life. "I'm sorry, dad."

Goku patted him reassuringly and smiled. "I could come by tomorrow when you're feeling better. Maybe we could spend the day together, hang out."

Gohan hesitated and looked away. "Um…I…I really…think I want to be…alone…for a while. I need to…think."

His dad was quiet again, but accepted that and nodded. "Alright. Maybe later."

Gohan nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, later. I'd like that. Just…I'll let you know." His father nodded again and then shrugged. "Okay. I'll see you later then, Gohan. Try and relax, okay? Everything comes easier when you don't worry about it, right?" His father grinned helpfully and then vanished again. Gohan was left staring morosely at where he had been. Then, after a long melancholy moment, he walked out of his apartment.

* * *

Hope was bustling as it usually was on a Saturday night. Gohan had hesitated at first, because he hadn't been able to find any of his buds or anyone that was more familiar than a blurred face, but it didn't matter anymore. He didn't care right now. All he wanted was to drown himself in ten inches of cold alcohol. Throwing himself into an open spot in the living room, he set the case of beer down with a thump on the coffee table and he set two bottles down possessively by his foot, wanting to save those for himself for after the beer had cleared the path directly to his brain. He hadn't even blushed all that much when he'd bought them, though he still couldn't look the cashier in the eye. Half a dozen pale, coal-lined faces turned from the television to take in the newcomer and his thoughtful gift, black lips breaking into grins. "Dig in." Gohan invited the Goths, gesturing at the case. He'd brought plenty to share. The people he intended to share it with were nowhere to be found, but this was a sure way to gain a few instant friends in their absence.

* * *

It was a long time later when he woke up. He didn't know what time it was. He only knew that it was cheerfully bright and sunny outside and the warmth spilled in the windows onto the bustling inhabitants of Hope. It was too bustling as he shuffled zombie-like into the kitchen to scrounge up something to erase the foul taste of ashes that coated his tongue like wax. Slumping into a chair at the table, he dragged over a paper plate from the stack and began scooping a portion of whatever food was still steaming in the large silver pan sitting at the center of the table. He didn't care what it was, all he cared about was that it wouldn't taste like ash and it would make the hollow ache in his stomach fade. He certainly couldn't smell it through the throbbing headache that felt like steel wool rolling around inside his skull. He didn't even realize there was anyone else in the kitchen with him until a skinny, quiet guy slid into the seat beside him.

"Hey, man. You seen Lian around?"

Gohan slowly raised his eyes to the newcomer and didn't recognize him. He just blinked at him dully for a few seconds and then shook his head painfully, wincing as the muscles on the left side complained mightily that it was an unreasonable gesture to make. "No." He croaked out. "Haven't seen her. Sorry." He stuck a spoonful of food into his mouth and chewed mechanically.

The guy leaned back in his chair and slicked his heavily moosed hair back as if it were possible for it to be even a little out of place despite the lacquer. "Yeah. That chick. I can never keep up with her either. You're Angel, right?"

Gohan closed his eyes as he swallowed and grimaced because his neck muscles were blatantly telling him that they were absolutely not going to have all this activity. He put down the spoon and grabbed a warm can of soda from a random package set out on the table. Fishing a pill from his coat, he washed it down and looked at the guy again. "I guess so. Yeah. Sorry, I'm kinda out of it." He decided to forgo eating anymore for the moment and began trying to gently massage his shoulder instead.

The guy just grinned. "Hey, no biggy. I've seen you around a few times. I'm kinda surprised she never brought you over." He leaned his elbows onto the table as he watched Gohan, his movements giving an odd impression of smooth slinkiness, as if a sudden move could possibly send him slinking right out the door and out of sight. "My name's Jack. You know…that looks like it hurts. I betcha I could hook you up with something that'd take the edge off." Jack gestured at Gohan's pained shoulder and smirked.

Gohan grunted and glanced at Jack noncommittally. "It's always like this when I first wake up. It'll loosen up." He rested his forehead on the table with a thump, wishing his head would clear a little. He probably did look like a zombie. He sure felt like the undead. "You ever wish the world would just stop turning?" It was a random question. One that didn't really mean anything. It was just an expression of some of the frustration he felt inside and couldn't hide from now that the alcoholic haze had lifted.

"Sure, man. All the time." Jack answered with a smile clear in his voice. "You know, there's ways to make the earth stop, just like there's ways to make it move." He stood and moved away for a moment. When he returned, he set a glass in front of each of them and poured a generous helping of some brown liquid into each one. "At the very least, this ought to take the edge off too."

Eyebrows raised appreciatively and Gohan pushed the food away in favor of the drink, drawing it to himself and taking a sip. He made a face at the bitter bite and then took a larger gulp, eyes squinting and lips forming into a grimace, but that didn't stop the relieved sigh that erupted from his burning throat. That hit the spot. He looked over when Jack chuckled at him and searched for some sort of conversation to make up. "So…you're…a friend of Lian?" Not that there were many people around Hope who weren't friendly or at least knew Lian. She was one of those that flitted easily through every group. Gohan envied that about her.

Jack shrugged and nodded. "Here and there. We go way back." He smirked again when Gohan tipped his head back and drank half the glass of liquor. "Really, man. If you ever get the itch…I'm telling you. I got something that'll fix you up good."

Sighing, Gohan set the glass on the table and sank down in the chair, staring at the swirling liquid glumly. He felt… He felt… Well, he couldn't feel that numbness that was so helpful when dealing with his mother anymore. He felt…bad. More than bad. There wasn't a negative word that he could think of that described what he felt like right now. Not physically. Physically, he was fucked up. His shoulder and the entire left side of his torso ached with sharp pinching stings flowing through his muscles and bones and cartilage and fading into numbness wherever the stinging didn't penetrate. That wasn't even including the hangover, though that was starting to fade as this new infusion of alcohol flooded his veins. What he felt was an overwhelming…just…badness. Going and getting rip roaring blasted was supposed to make this go away. It didn't seem to help this time. "Yeah? Like what?" He didn't ask because he was particularly interested, though if it could possibly make this awful feeling go away then he was certainly game.

His mind kept swirling back to the last few days. He wondered where Videl was. What she was doing. If she was still angry or had already dismissed the whole thing…and if so, then when was she going to turn up and demand he roll over for her again. Whether his mom was still upset with him for running out on her. Or how badly his dad was disappointed with him this time. How he hadn't wanted to go visit them in the first place. He was a terrible boyfriend and an even worse son. He had screwed up so many things and he couldn't even start to imagine how to fix any of it. Everything had just blown apart, like a cyclone had plowed through his life and left nothing but scraps that he couldn't possibly piece back together. He didn't really want to. Not anymore. He had spent so much time building the perfect house of cards. Every piece had been exactly where it needed to be. He had worked so hard to balance his life into normalcy. Now he realized that all that he had worked for had really been empty. It had never made him happy. It wasn't what he thought he wanted. So much wasted time and energy.

Now he was left sitting in the rubble and he imagined that he could see freedom, hanging on the outskirts of the catastrophe. If he could just reach it, step out of the cage he had lived in for so long. He wanted to, but he still didn't know how. He had been learning, though. Slowly, as his world crumbled he had been learning that there was existence outside his cage that wasn't so horrifically black and white. He was slowly learning what colors were. He had made so many regrettable mistakes focusing on just those two shades. What a fool he was. And everyone who had taught him to focus on those two extremes. Did that make them fools too? Or were they just trying to keep him on the straight and narrow by pretending that nothing else existed and everything outside of that was somehow inherently bad? How laughable was that belief? How absurd was that?

Well, he wasn't convinced anymore and when he thought back on how naïve he had been such a short time ago he couldn't help but scoff at how stupidly dense he was. For example, the people he now held dear as friends, buds, he wouldn't have even considered worth talking to before. He probably would even have looked down on them. Life had taken on such a hugely different face now and everything that he had thought was so important before…now was just so much junk to be unloaded. Nothing was worth anything anymore. So, when Jack invited him to the Back Room to see what it was that could take the edge off, all he did was stare at his glass for another few seconds, drink it, and then he smiled at Jack with a lopsided shrug. "Sure."

* * *

He hadn't even known the Back Room existed. He had never noticed the little alcove that was actually a tiny hallway that gave access to the farthest corner of Hope's first floor. It was dark and dusty and the room the hallway which led past a tiny, grungy little bathroom and then opened up on a surprisingly spacious room. Not large, but it stretched longways along the end of the house and was crammed with a few old, worn couches and a couple day beds pressed to the walls and blankets and pillows strewn every which way. Throughout the whole room there was just enough walking space to slide along between the furniture and not much more. Jack led the way and threw himself down on one of the daybeds with a grin.

"This is my room. But you're welcome to drop by and keep me company whenever you like, Angel. I'm always up for company." Jack patted the mattress beside him for Gohan to sit down.

Gohan walked over slowly, edging between another couch that practically pressed right up against the mattress. As he sat, he looked around and noticed there were two individuals toward the other end of the room sleeping soundly. He lowered his voice, glancing back over at Jack who was now rummaging through the drawers of an end table noisily. "Are you sure we aren't going to bother them?"

Jack looked over at them and just laughed. "Them? No way. They're out. It's not how I'd wanna waste mine, but to each their own, right?" He went back to whatever he was doing out of sight in the drawer.

Gohan raised an eyebrow at the two sleepers, but he wasn't about to worry about it. Instead he stretched himself out on his stomach on the bed and looked over toward whatever was keeping Jack so busy. "Sure." He heard the snick of a lighter and could smell something burning for just a moment. "What are you doing?"

Jack just smirked at him and continued his fiddling inside the drawer. "Trade secrets, Angel. I never tell." But then he finished and set down to hypodermic needles on top of the end table along with a length of rubber and waggled his eyebrows at Gohan. "Which arm you want? Could do the bad one. Might be quicker."

Gohan's eyes widened when he saw the needles and he sat up, pulling back with not only a little trepidation. "Uh…I don't think… What…what is that?" He swallowed the sudden lump in his throat. He wasn't afraid of needles like his dad was. They weren't the thing that caused him to falter. It was one thing…alcohol…medication…those weren't really serious things. Everybody drank. Everyone could get it. Doctors prescribed medication all the time. But this…this was…the nicest, most harmless word he could think of was Invasive. But really, that wasn't what he was thinking.

Jack just smirked again, that shifty little expression that showed that he knew exactly what Gohan was thinking. "Like I said. It'll take the edge off. You'll be amazed." He picked up the length of rubber and looked at Gohan expectantly. "It doesn't have to be the needle, but I already went to the trouble, you know. It ain't gonna hurt. I'm real good at this. And anyway, it's a hell of a lot faster this way." Gohan still hesitated, he didn't know what to say to the offer. Jack took that in stride, though. Like he was expecting it. He just shrugged and scooted back onto the bed beside Gohan, leaning his back against the wall. "Hey, that's alright. I'll do mine first. That way you'll know there's nothing to it. Yeah?"

He pushed up his sleeve and tied the rubber around his own arm one handed, fingers moving with practiced deftness. As the blood flow was cut off and his skin paled, the thick marks on his well worn arm showed even more starkly. Gohan stared in fascination as Jack picked up one of the needles and slid the shining steel into his own arm before drawing on the plunger. There was a splash of red that swirled amidst the clear liquid within the needle's contents and then it all was disappearing into his body with a decisive press of his fingers. Jack pulled the sharp metal out and the rubber came loose with a snap. The entire mesmerizing show took only a few seconds from start to finish and then Jack relaxed with a blissful sigh against the wall, his lips quirking into that silkily sly smile. "See? Nothin to it. And shit…it's some good shit today." He raised an eyebrow at Gohan expectantly, his eyes already turning glassy. "So, you want it or not? It ain't as much fun flying solo, you know. Come on, man. You said you wanted to know if you could stop the world turning." That smirk again. "This is the only way I know how."

Stop the world from turning. Had he really said that? Yeah. He guessed he did. How many things had he already done that would have his mother screaming? How many things had he purposefully subjected himself to that would shock everyone that ever thought they knew him? How much of it had made him feel…better…more alive…more connected to the other human beings all around him that he had always yearned to be a part of? Most of it. Really…the only thing that had held him back had been the fear. The fear of what they would think, those people who were supposed to love him and care about him and be there for him. But why did it matter what they thought? He had never been able to make them happy no matter what he did…so why should this matter any more than the rest of it? If this made it better and took the edge off…just once…he could see what it was like just once.

"…yeah. Sure…Why not?" Slowly Gohan pushed up his sleeve on his left arm. Not high enough for Jack to be able to see the scar, but enough so he could tie off the vein. His heart was racing as his arm started to tingle, muscles tightening uneasily as he watched Jack's nimble fingers. In the back of his mind he could hear that tiny voice of reason shouting at him. This was stupid. This was going too far. This was wrong. As the needle sank into his skin with a slight pinch he couldn't help but count in his head all the myriad of diseases that had been scientifically proven to be caused by un-sterilized needles. But he was half Saiyan. He never got sick, never had a cold, never had to be rushed to the hospital with a fever. He'd only been to the hospital twice in his life now. Each time wasn't because he was sick so…he was safe. Wasn't he?

As if Jack read his mind, he grinned and scoffed lightly. "Ease up, man. It's clean. I told ya. I'm not some rookie. I'm good with this."

Gohan just watched the liquid flush with a droplet of his blood and then drew in a breath as it suddenly inserted itself into his body. It was still warm from whatever Jack had done to it inside the confines of the drawer. He barely felt the needle withdraw as he marveled numbly at what he had just done. Oddly, that voice had subsided now. It was too late for reason anyway. It was the snap of the rubber that snapped him from his uncertain thoughts and then, slowly, he started to feel…lightheaded. A few seconds later or maybe a minute later, he was still frowning at the air between them, trying to follow the growing feeling. He blinked and rolled his eyes, leaning back with a look of amazement.

"Oh wow…"

It was like the morphine. Oh that godsend of morphine when he was in such a dark place. It was beautiful. It was a feeling he had missed for so very long. His shiny blue umbrella with its silver handle. He sank down on the bed and a goofy smile spread across his face as it all just melted away. It melted away just the way he had been craving ever since his first few weeks in the hospital. Ever since his first taste of that euphoric heaven all those months ago with a pretty paramedic and a kind orderly with strong broad shoulders. Suddenly it was all okay. Everything was perfect now that he had his umbrella back again and he didn't care what the stuff was anymore. It was exactly what he had been searching for.

"See? I told ya." He sounded so smug, but just now Gohan definitely didn't give a damn.

* * *

"You're not just gonna pass out on me, are you, Angel?"

Gohan's eyes slid open drowsily to slowly focus on Jack stretched out beside him on the bed. He smiled dreamily at him and shook his head. "Naw. I'm wide awake."

Jack grinned sleekly, his breath warm on Gohan's face. "Good. 'Cause, like I said, it's not as much fun flying solo." Then he closed the few inches distance between them and pressed his lips to Gohan's, gently at first, but it isn't long before it grows more demanding. The contact, the kiss, only intensifies the already exhilarating euphoria and Gohan doesn't even try to think about it. He only reacts to it, craving more, searching for that promised ecstasy. There is no little voice of reason now and no fear, no restrictions or reservations. There's nothing but the pleasure of the moment and the desperate need for more. If he were capable of caring at that instant in time, it probably would have terrified him. As it was, though, he just bucked against the other body and moaned as hot heavy breaths filled the room and the press of a demanding body against his own felt so very good. It was hardly more than a dream as he lay in a fog-like haze of pleasure, his own body seeming heavy and clumsy compared to the Jack's lithe frame and dexterous hands.

Instinct and unthinking reactions did nothing to prepare him for the pain that came suddenly and his inexperience and inherent naiveté couldn't dampen the shock of it either. Tensing, he gave a breathless yelp and tried to move, but the body pressed against his back shifted again sending another sharp tearing pain through him and he shuddered, pressing his face against the mattress as his strength once again betrayed him and left him shaking under the other's weight. Jacks arms curled around him tightly, locking his arms down, and Gohan could feel hot breaths through his hair, Jack's cheek pressed against the back of his neck, heavy breaths filling up his ears, and then movement lanced him. Hot, hard flesh stretching him, invading, delving inside, painful, but sliding slick and smooth. He panted and tried to find his voice, a word, any words, but all that came out was a slightly shrill gasp and then Jack really started to move and all possible communication was cut off. The pain was sharp and hot, but that wasn't all there was. Soon there was more, a ghostly, indistinct sort of pleasure would spike and he would gasp again, fingers curling ineffectually into the sheets as Jack's body rocked against his, but it wasn't nearly enough to offset the discomfort. And then it was over. He felt something hotter splash inside his overly sensitive body and then the warmth was gone and he was left alone and aching, sprawled in a hazy daze on his stomach on the daybed against the wall.

He laid there, his breaths slowing and his body loosening again, staring at his fingers that were twisted into the sheet. He just stared thoughtlessly for a long time. It wasn't that he didn't understand what just happened and it wasn't even that he was having a hard time coming to grips with it. It wasn't as if he hadn't…wanted it…really…but it wasn't at all what he had…expected. Still, he had his umbrella and he was so blissfully disconnected from the reality of it that for the moment all that really occurred to him was a vague discontentment at the fact that he hurt differently now. And that he was still hard and really…the thought occurs to him that he shouldn't be, but he was. He rolled over onto his side with a tiny hiss as he gingerly searched for a comfortable position, his pants still around his knees. He tried to tug them up again and groaned, arching as his hands fumbled over still hot skin. He gave up and tugged a blanket strewn at the edge of the bed over himself lazily instead because there really was no problem, no reason to spaz, the drug running hot through his system was…was worth it. Really…it didn't matter... He had a sudden dim realization as he stared out fuzzily at the room that the other two in the room weren't sleeping, they were just lost in the high. He decided that they had the right idea. Vaguely he pushed Jack and all other thoughts far out of his head and for once his mind cooperated, allowing him to just drift blissfully.

* * *


End file.
